Tactics Tuesdays: How to Turn Around a Girl in Auto-Rejection | Girls Chase

Tactics Tuesdays: How to Turn Around a Girl in Auto-Rejection

Chase Amante

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Chase Amante's picture

dating turnaround
A girl who’s in auto-rejection gets cold and snubs you. To turn it around and effect a recovery, you must use this 4-step formula.

This is a firefighting post.

I say that because if you do things right you won’t have to fix anything. But we all make mistakes.

On my article about screening girls for same-day lays, a reader asks:

About that girl giving massive iois and i didnt approach due to exams coming up.. Its difficult to go into social mode when you have your head in books all day since over a month. And to top it all off, she has gone cold.. typical auto rejection, which is my main sticking point for sometime now. She gave me massive blatant in my face AIs but i failed to take action. Price paid. Very frustrating. I have read all your articles on auto rejection.

[...]

Please come up with some technique to turn around auto rejection as its seems impossible once girls go in that territory. You advised value boosts and preselection to turn around auto rejections but would not those make us seem more unattainable and worsening auto rejection as she sees me with other girls and thinks she wasnt good enough? Thoughts?

I was reading your old forum posts and you said not to accept responisbility for her reactions as it make you seem weak. What in this situation when her ego is hurt? Will accepting responsibility that i wanted to come talk to her earlier but could not due to exams better the situation or worsen it? Or should i blame it all on her that its difficult to approach you as you have a lot of security around? ;) (Her parents or brothers are chaperoning her mostly). How about opening with i know i should have come earlier but.. ‘launching into reasons’? This seems like obsessing but i just want to get your take on it.

Is it better to go in as soon as you sense a girl is auto rejecting or give a time gap and re-engage later? And is it possible to turn around their opinions of yourself after ghosting for a while or once its set they see you that way whole life no matter what.. even years later?

Why doesn’t chasing work when the girl is AR? Shouldn’t her hurt ego feel relieved as being chased is an ego boost?

Auto-rejection. If you’ve just tuned in, that’s when a girl feels like she can’t get you... So rejects you before you reject her. It’s a response that lets her shield her ego from a guy she thinks doesn’t like or respect her.

It’s also one of the hardest issues to fix. Particularly if you’ve just met.

Yet, there’s opportunity there too. Because if you can fix the mistake, her passion for you goes through the roof.

Comments

Tennant's picture

What are the main differences that separate rejection and auto rejection?

Kaelos's picture

This is my question as well!

How do you know if she's rejecting you or if she's in auto-rejection?

aks's picture

Rejection - its girl declining your offer. Example - you open to her and she says hi etc, than may be she notices something in you and makes an exit after giving a polite excuse.

Auto-rejection - As the name suggests,happens automatically, when you do nothing. Actually it happens when you do nothing, and she wanted you to do something.

By the way awesome post, Chase!

Author
Chase Amante's picture

That's it!

Chase

Kaelos's picture

If you happen to run into a girl in the near future that rejected you vs a girl that went into autorejection, is there a difference in her vibe and the way she interacts with you, depending on whether it was rejection/autorejection?

Basically how to know which one she went into, if you happen to run into her again.

For example: polite or nervous or cold or upset or bored

Moggs's picture

But what happens when say you're setting up a date say online, she's agreed, the time etc and it's her turn to reply to you, it's say Thursday evening and your slated to meet her Saturday evening for the first time. She doesn't then reply and neither do you, you don't chase her. The date falls through and she blocks you online and goes into autorejection.

You let it go. You notice her in another dating site two months later, so you think hey she looks hot, why not shoot her a message. You send her a message, just a Hi....pay her a compliment about her profile photo and ask her how's things. She doesn't reply, hides her profile. Looks like she's permenantly in autorejection? Low self esteem?
This is highly intelligent woman, average to good looking....

john smithy's picture

i got this girl in auto reject that's not only told me to get away from her, but was also mean.and tried to hurt you.
i gave her a gift, that i now want to get back (and deserve, long story, but it ain't like chipping)
would you say that's proving to a girl that your not even slightly trying to chase/proving enything, will get your value back up?

cheers

Author
Chase Amante's picture

John-

Yes, I've seen that a few times - "Give me back my X" can make a girl change her mind about you sometimes. Depends on the situation, of course. But if you make it come across as "I gave that to you because I really liked you, but if this is how you treat me, I just want it back", that can often reset attraction.

Chase

Lawliet's picture

Hey Chase,

Great article. I thought you wanted to save it for the book though ;)
Great reference list and new additions, what led to the new implementations?
As for a question, I'm all out!

You've answered all my questions :) ...
As a matter of fact, I realized I haven't commented for the past couple articles.
[Insert shocking moment face]

You probably answered this somewhere but any updates on the girl and follower series?

EDIT: Just thought of a question! :D

Re: Travelling to new places and thinking ahead
Where would you go in a new country?
You said you meet locals and gfs. And they provide lots of help later on as you make it around in the country, including translating.
Then let's say you haven't been to a place before, what's your tactic to seed this in and put yourself in the best position to make these strong contacts there?
I can imagine you won't hang out at the tourist places where all tourist hangs out.

Re: Time
That was how to find them. But most importantly, is creating these strong contacts in a quick amount of time (and KEEPING in touch). I personally worked at a place now for three months, and it's until now where people start to connect "feel closer".

When We travel however, it's unlikely we'll stick around for 3 months.
And after we leave? What happens to the contacts? They dissipate, forget about you if not kept in touch. The seed dies off.

Also, in an environment you're completely new at, what kinds of value can you upfront to attract friends?
I mean, you don't know fun events, good places to hang out (social opportunities), and may even have trouble conversation (conversational value)due to language barrier.
There goes deep diving.

Yet bro, you manage to come out as a winner.
How do you do that?

Re: Communicating nonverbally
How do you respond to her if she's speaking in another language?
How do you know what she's saying and respond (ex. objections)?
In the article of nonverbal attraction, you lead and if she follows, you're good.
But this sounds like a few minute upon meeting her and then pulling her to follow you home,
in case I missed something in the big picture, what about in between?

Thanks,
Lawliet

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Lawliet-

Well, that was the plan. But there's so much new content in the course it seemed unnecessary. So now it's an article instead!

I'll do the leader/follower articles at some point. Just haven't been in the mood to write them recently.

New countries, try to link up with someone who's been there a while and have him show you around. If you know guys who're good with girls, they'll already have done the groundwork there and you get a 3-month head start. Otherwise, research online, find the city center, and go explore. Nothing wrong with tourists if you want to pick up tourists (can make for some easy lays). Depends what you're after.

You should be able to create a strong enough contact to keep in touch after. If you're not there yet, work on it. If you are, then keep in touch after and let the connection grow with time.

When you're new, people show you around, not the reverse. If you bring value (you're cool, fun, sociable, etc.), people will want to invite you places and guide you around. That's another one where if people aren't doing that for you, bring more value. Better fundamentals, better social skills, etc.

I'm not sure how to communicate nonverbally understanding someone who speaks another language. Not sure how much you've traveled, but go somewhere with girls who don't speak your language and try it out. You'll see. You pick up on things. You just need to be more expressive/playful to get your message across.

Re: running into a girl who auto-rejected, but now she isn't in auto-rejecting anymore... Time heals all wounds. Be excited to see her, treat her warmly, and try not to put her into auto-rejection again this time ;)

Chase

Lawliet's picture

Guess questions were just late ;)
Can't believe it's been a year since I've been here.

Re: AR
Speaking of AR, I remember this girl who I met at school. Every time I saw her, she would hold eye contact with me, and glare at me and I would hold it with a warm and silly smile like I was about to burst out laughing. But the best part is whenever I'm in her vincinity, she would just stare at me despite of being mad and saying she has a bf. It was hilarious! I wonder if I could have done more than that. Anyways.

Re: Done and Done
Let's say she's in auto rejection too long and is over with you.
And it's cold approach, so you two won't be seeing each other (no proximity)

Then some day, you two bump into each other again and since you two haven't seen each other for awhile, she doesn't recognize you and likes you again (AI).

Is there a way to start anew here?
Like give a fake name ;) jokes

Lawliet

BMontana's picture

Hey Chase,

thanks for your advice. Here is my problem and I hope you can help me on this since I am guy who only got sexual experience but lack of real commitment experience:

I met a girl last year who moved into my city and who I really got a crush on. Because of various reasons we never managed (or I never managed) to go on a date because both of her cousins, who I already knew, were always around whenever we met and we are also connected through our families. We went out in groups a lot and there were situations when I felt like she was interested in me too. She glanced at me from the distance, she played with her hairs and somtimes she looked jealous when I was talking to or about other girls. But don't get me wrong, she is a stunning beautiful woman and gets all the attention from males. She basicly can get any guy she wants and she is also very open talking to other guys. I have seen her going to strangers at Bars and talk to them infront of me. I never ran after her so I talked to different girls too. She also gave me a lot of mixed signals, sometimes she was warm and asked questions about my life, other times she barely said "hi" or "bye" to me, which got me confused a lot. I managed to hug her a couple of times whenever I saw an opportunity and it didn't seem to bother her.

However we kind of flirted a little here and there and she asked me about girls that I met. We messaged through whatsapp every 4-5 days but not for too long since I didn't want to chase her or come off as her manly girlfriend. Usually it was me messaging her first. I started giving her a nick-name and I think she liked it. Like I said we were never alone and always surrounded by different people all the time. I didn#t know about moving a girl at that time and I also was stucked in not getting in trouble with her cousins (who are not around anymore).

On new years eve we went to a party and for some reason she acted really cold towards me. We were drinking a lot and I don't think I was flirting to any women at taht point. At midnight I wanted to hug her and wish her a happy new year but she barely looked at me and didn#t say anything, instead she went talking to guy (he had a girl friend, but I think she knew). She seemed pissed at me. I was confused and got mad so I went and flirted to two fifferent girls. One of them was hot as hell and I also touched her a lot. "My" girl and other people saw me doing this and I can tell she wasn't too excited about it. Anyway we kind of broke contact after and I didn't message her of for like a week until I congratulated her for passing some of her courses at university. She messaged me back instantly while using a nick name (it was like the opposite of the nick-name I gave her). Things started to get warmer again between us until I probaly made a mistake when I didn't attend a party where she went too, even though she didn't invite me. I guess she might have been mad at me for not attending after we had avoided each other for weeks. However I might be on wrong on this.

Two weeks later I sent her a message saying I was sorry for her brother leaving (he had visited her) the city. We messaged a little bit and I offered her help whenever she needed anything, since she was still new in town. I also made a joke about smthng. It was the first time she messaged me back at midnight after hours, which she never had done before (she usually messaged me back within 10 minutes). I didn't reply.

At Valentine's Day she messaged me "Happy Valentine's Day "Nick-Name"" and I got again confused but kind of excited too. Since our history and since we barely knew each other I didn't take it as a friendly gesture, more a romantic one, so I messaged her the same back. I saw she immediately read it. The next day I was busy doing some stuff and I messaged and congratulated her for passing her classes so I thought it would be a good idea to aks her out. I congratulated her on her exams and said I was sorry for not texting her sooner. She said it was ok as long as it had nothing to do with other girls. I felt like she was jealous but kind of liked it, so that's why I thought things were going well and I was confident as hell. But it went downhill. I asked her about her schedule and she said she wasn't doing anything in the evening, so I asked her out (but I made a huge mistake for not suggesting any place to go, I felt like she should pick up a place, I know huge mistake). All of the sudden she said she was meeting up with her friends (which turned out to be true) and she suggested to meet up another day (smiley). That confused me and I wasn't sure whether she was leading me on or was just pissed. Then things went downhill again, since I made a joke about her traveling attitude. She accused me of being a big partier and so on. Whenever this girl gets pissed at me she shortens her words, using "U r" insteady of "you are" so that's why I knew. I totaly ignored her when she was telling me she was going out with her friends so I kind of asked/trying to force her again to make a decision and whether she even really wanted to meet up with me at all. I really thought we were just playing around for entertainment. But she never replied...and I didn't either. We are still "friends" on facebook and we still got our phone numbers but we don't talk anymore.

I know I fucked up on many things. I am guy who usually avoids getting into relationships, I am just not boyfriend material. But this girl has gotten me. I have never chased her and except for our last messaging desaster, I didn't think I came off as too needy.

I know it might be way too late since we haven't talked for months but I just want to know what I can do or what I could have done better. I am still not sure whether she was playing me or whether I got her in auto-rejection.

Player's picture

Quick question:

Can this be adapted to when a girl goes cold from a missed escalation window? i.e. you didn't do xyz she wanted you to do but she'll never admit it so can't address it.
Is it even possible?

Thanks

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Player-

It sure can.

It does demand a little more of a delicate touch, though.

e.g., if you walk up and say, "Hey, I know you wanted me to kiss you earlier, and I didn't. And..." She's going to reject that and tell you no she didn't. Even if she very much did.

Instead, you do better with a line like this: "Hey, sorry if I didn't pay enough attention to you earlier. I got caught up in some things. My bad. How's [whatever]?"

It's been my experience that with a missed escalation window you can't just jump into compliance, like the normal AR formula (i.e., the olive branch). Instead, you have to get her talking again, then wait for a new escalation window. Then jump in. If you try to take initiative without waiting for a new escalation window, if often won't work. So that's the biggest twist.

Chase

c861's picture

Any tips on getting to a new escalation window? I went on a date with a girl who I think I could have slept with that night, but I made mistakes and let the date stagnate. She's went cold on me now, and as you said I can't just say "Hey sorry for not making a move". I see her at lunch most days, so there is a chance to talk.

Bob's picture

Hello, this is a great page with useful info! I have recently been dating a girl for a few months. Good side is that she comes across as keen but con is that we stopped dating for a couple of weeks because she said wasn't sure I was interested; as a person, I am more reserved than she is. We then restarted dating. No intimacy yet (she does not want it until she is sure). Last week I asked if she wanted to be in a relationship but my starting sentence was perhaps badly phrased; she says she has had problems with guys pretending to be more keen than they actually are, so I started with "I am not passionate about you yet but I enjoy your company.." as I thought honesty would be appreciated. She said she would think about it. She then phoned me a few days later and said it would be best to go back to being friends as we both deserve passion and it if passion hasn't developed by now it is unlikely to. I'd value a second opinion- is this auto-rejection from my bad phrasing or are we a bad match?

attinu's picture

Im confused by what caused this girl to completely ghost after an awesome date where she was very keen.

Quick story, matched on Tinder - she said I was cute, however she was terrible at replying. Nevertheless I persisted and she offered her number without me asking. Again took long time to reply but I set up a date on Friday. She even searched me out on facebook and added me on her own accord.
Met, had good banter, she was asking me lots. Moved venue, she was hinting about it being a date and touching me as we played pool, and wanted to continue date. I suggested movie and wine, said she couldn't as her sister was meeting her by midnight to make sure she was fine and not with a crazy. However said definitely next time and even pinky-promised... We have a fun time rest of evening and a couple hugs.
Walk her halfway to where she is meeting sis, and she was bubbling saying shed love to do this again and looking forward to it, I said me too so I go for the kiss. Nice kiss on lips and after she says "one more" I oblige, and we part ways her saying text me when you get home, I joke thats what im supposed to say, but yes as long as you do. Wink and leave thinking great.
Text her saying I was back and could still taste her lips wink, 35 mins later she texts "Im home X" However I didnt reply as I saw that as a simple reply to mine. Decide Ill call her Sunday as I was going to friends house on Sat. However Sat eve get a one word text that says "Rude" I send a ? then a "What do you mean rude?" Nothing. Call sun, no answer, leave voicemail saying I had good time and love to do again. Nothing, I think autorejection, but do you thinks its because of not texting her by next day so she thought unobtainable OR by not esculating (tho no logistics)
She was super keen on date and I assumed maybe not texting I was glad she was home pissed her off. I tried one more text with trying to placate the rude comment a couple days later with "I guess you took it quite hard me not texting, and I guess you thought I didnt give a toss. That wasnt it at all. Youre a fun girl and I like hanging out with you. Cmon ill buy you an icecream"
SILENCE
Its now Tuesday so I guess all I can do is wait and see, just seems strange.

Did i fuck it? And if she was as keen as she acted can I turn it back? I didn't want to seem too keen, backfired?

TLDR
Great date, seemed annoyed after for not much reason called me rude, radio silence. Want that day 2. Now what?

Nolimits's picture

Hi chase, It s probably too late but i ll try. Girlfriend i was monogamous with caught ne going on a date with her schoolmate. Her schoolmate /friend told her the day after.

Tonight She said, " even if u didn t fuck her, u invited her home The Day after with a text (she showed me! ). U betrayed me"

Let s face it, she s right

But i did that to keep my abundance mentality!

Now, my mistake was to wanted her monogamous (i really liked her and will have to work hard to replace her well now), while she would have been ok with casual.

- my reaction when she said that to me was, with tears to my eyes and hers too, that my intention was Not to Hurt hEr but to keep my abundance mentality. That i flirt and talk to a Lot of women but that i stop myself before fucking them and that i ve fucked no girls since i met her. I told her , this is done so i Can be a better man and she has a better man too.

And i denied The fact that i kissed her friend though i did , Very Bill Clinton Style, saying : it s Not True and if it was : what Kind of friend is that? !

Can i do something to maKe it up or is it over?

She was a love At first sight for me and it would e great to keep her , though i think it s almost impossibile - i Can t meet her randomly.

One thing is sure: i will do my Best Not to chase her!

Hope u Can help!

Thx

ItsPossible's picture

These guidelines works!
Put in some serious thought, a strong believe, and see it from her perspective!

Maybe Ill make a post on the forum!

CheersChase!

mastercain's picture

I somehow keep seeming to run into autorejectio . For one reason or other, when inviting a gal home, there almost INEVITABLY seems to be another influence that sways her to go home or, at least, not go with me...

I feel I may be taking too long to press for a take home invite (only in hindsight as we always seem to be having our own little fun sitting off to the side just the two of us...)

The factors influencing her are typically out of my control. Example: her friends show up for a late night birthday party. Unbeknownst to me she was supposed to be watching the kids at night... And hired a sitter in her place. The friends get a little miffed and she ends up going home. She comes back out later that night but then seems to spend more time with them then with me although she indicated she wanted to see me. At the end of the night she goes home with the friends. It is important to note she did try to include me in their group conversations...

Next day we set up a meet and a different friend was there and insisted that this gal needed to go home to do homework. Almost immediately she starts texting me and we start talking - she blew off her homework but was apparently at home thinking of us... I did try to push for some sext escalation - I think this is where I went wrong?

Anyhow, the point of this story is that I started running into this Auto rejection where she starts give me the 'I just need to be me' and the 'last guy I was with made me date him exclusively too soon' ... I use this Auto rejection piece and it's wonderful.

She is now hitting me up again and I'm kind of brushing her off cuz I don't really know where to go from here.

USE THIS PIECE IT IS GREAT!

Robinhood's picture

Hi Chase. Funny and depressing that i googled this article as a girl i really liked at work has auto rejected(story of my life). And was searching how to turn it this around. I remembered that Chase had written an article on it. I read the comment/question you started the article with. I thought hmmm that sounds familiar and turns out that was me who asked this question. It’s 5 years ago!! And i am still making the same mistakes. :(

This keeps happening and not just with girls. People keep auto rejecting with me in life in general. I used to have no clue why people were acting so hurtful when I didn’t do anything and infact thought their reactions were exaggerated and unwarranted. My response being pile up my value even higher and do jealousy plots which just worsens auto rejection.
I got some useful knowledge when i read your book and your articles on auto rejection back in the day. Also i met some extreme personalities who put me in auto rejection and thats when I realized what i was doing.

But i still keep doing the same thing. I am not sure but i think i like it and derive pleasure from hurting people. Maybe i like girls chasing after me more than actually getting with them. But once they auto reject then i regret not taking escalation windows and feel bad about hurting them, it is such a depressing situation when both people like and want each other and still don’t get together and it’s my fault and responsibility. Maybe i like making my life difficult. I like challenges. One point relevant was as you said above that if you can turn AR around then attraction can be through the roof.
A mento recently commented that you are very hard working and you have a loud and upfront personality, you should be more forgiving of other people’s weakness and don’t call them out always. He knows i put people in auto rejection.
I am not sure what the question is here. Just some of my ramblings on it, if you can kindly comment or provide any insight. I also think i may benefit from some coaching as i have same issues for years.

Re. the current girl in AR at work; she gave me some iois, lots of eye contact a few times, which i had started and she reciprocated. Only spoke to her once regarding some work related stuff and she started walking the same direction as me. I should have talked more there but i missed it. I didn’t initiate contact when she would give me eye contact/iois when I should have. Another issue is my brain is very one directional and if I haven’t planned and it’s abrupt I don’t think on my feet and be flexible. Like when she started walking with me, i was engrossed in work stuff and didn’t change my train of thought. It passed my mind that her walking with me is a signal but I didn’t act on it. Any idea how to be more flexible in this regard? Work can always wait but cute girls don’t :D

Re. above brilliant article: i have slight confusion about bad points 1 and 7 and good option number 3. I also read in one of your above comments you said to apologise and say you got stuck with some stuff. Is that not blaming the situation?
Like if i say to this girl: “ Hey i know you’re angry sorry I should have talked to you earlier. Sometimes i get too engrossed in this stupid work. Anyhow, how’s your day going?”
Is that any good?

Proximity is not an option as we work on different floors in different sections of workplace and rarely come across each other, also work different shifts which rarely align up.

Another bad thing about AR is, girls in AR have given me some of the nastiest rejections of my life which is to be expected so it makes me a bit scared of girls in AR now. Especially at workplace. In this day and age. :D

Dale's picture

When I started out, could not tell the difference.

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