How to Get Anything from Anyone: The Law of Social Exchange | Girls Chase

How to Get Anything from Anyone: The Law of Social Exchange

Chase Amante

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get anything from anyone
You can get anything to give you whatever you want. But to do it, you must obey the Law of Social Exchange (and all its small wrinkles).

We have a small group of guys on the Girls Chase forums whose deepest wish is to live the ‘cool guy life’ they see in the movies. You know... the fly guy with the babes hanging off his arm, who’s always on the invite list to all the hottest parties, forever in-demand.

Sometimes other forum members criticize this wish. And those critical members do have a point. Who cares how popular you are if you can go out and get top quality girls and top quality friends? Who needs the superficial trappings of being The Guy? It’s like chasing money for the sake of being rich. Not because you actually need that money to accomplish anything. You just want the image and the feeling of wealth.

I agree with the critical members this ‘popularity for the sake of popularity’ is not a worthy end goal. But I think it’s also worth recognizing that if you’ve never had this – if you’ve always been the outsider, rejected, never really a part of things – it can be a monkey on your back until you get it and achieve it. Some guys just need to experience the spotlight first before they can move on to worthier things.

So, if you find yourself wishing and wondering and hoping for more... to be more included, to have more babes on your arm, to go to more cool parties... to be The Guy everyone knows, talks about, and admires... this article is the one you’ve waited all your life for.

In it, I’m going to introduce you to a new social law, like the Law of Least Effort. But rather than the appearance of social power, this law governs the construction and maintenance of social ties. This law I call the Law of Social Exchange.

Chase AmanteAbout the Author: Chase Amante

Chase woke up one day in 2004 tired of being alone. So, he set to work and read every book he could find, studied every teacher he could meet, and talked to every girl he could talk to to figure out dating. After four years, scads of lays, and many great girlfriends (plus plenty of failures along the way), he launched this website. He will teach you everything he knows about girls in one single program in his Mastery Package.

GET CHASE’S MASTERY PACKAGE

Comments

Alexander Abraham's picture

Why do some people want to hang out with me while others avoid me? Or even the third group that're just 'meh' and could go either way?

Re-reading your eliciting values article definitely helps, but I still feel like things are a little fuzzy for me.

Like, what about groups? How do you find out what certain groups value and what they don't without already having the intuition for it? For example, I've always been okay when one-on-one with someone because I'm a naturally curious person. But when it comes to groups I feel pretty lost and awkward which usually leaves me in the corner just people watching. Probably not the best impression to give off :P

I guess I just want more about social currency because I find it potentially life changing and myself rather hopeless with it.

As another example; with some people that are trying to do certain things in their life I've tried offering my help to them in those areas because I've reached a certain amount of skill in those areas. Might not be the best, but I am free because I want to give back. But that help is rejected and it seems like they want something else from me instead. At this point I could just be spinning my wheels though...

What should I do?

Alexander Abraham's picture

I guess all of my questions could be summed up in this: how to be a great sigma male that people respect, admire and find valuable?

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Alexander-

Why do some people want to hang out with me while others avoid me? Or even the third group that're just 'meh' and could go either way?

You can use the same formula for interpersonal attraction you would for standard attraction: VAC. How valuable do you seem to a person/group, how attainable, and how invested in you (compliant) is he / are they?

Value is basic perceived value. Does this person believe you have value to offer him? Different people may have very different impressions of you. And different people may value things differently. Even among people with the same basic values, one of them might see value in you the other does not see.

Attainability is how accessible your value is. If you're otherwise valuable but way too eager to hang out with someone, for instance, you move into the "no challenge" category and that person values you much less. On the other hand, if you seem out of reach (e.g., you're rude and dismissive), he will instead auto-reject you to preserve his own ego (or face; can't let other people see you reject him).

And compliance is just if someone is in the habit of hanging out with you, doing things for you, complying with you, etc., he will tend to continue to do that.

Like, what about groups? How do you find out what certain groups value and what they don't without already having the intuition for it? For example, I've always been okay when one-on-one with someone because I'm a naturally curious person. But when it comes to groups I feel pretty lost and awkward which usually leaves me in the corner just people watching. Probably not the best impression to give off :P

Best advice I can give you here is get more reference points. The more experience you have with more different sorts of groups, the better able you are to read what various groups you encounter will value.

It's way too hard to try to mechanically learn what value myriad groups are after. You'd need an experienced social circle guy to collect and record all that info, and then you'd need to memorize it... and you still wouldn't be nearly as good as the guy who just spent enough time mingling with different groups, figuring it out.

Doesn't mean you need to stop being a sigma male / nomad. Just means you need to participate enough, with enough different kinds of groups, to be able to recognize similar groups when you encounter them, and have an instinct for what they want.

with some people that are trying to do certain things in their life I've tried offering my help to them in those areas because I've reached a certain amount of skill in those areas. Might not be the best, but I am free because I want to give back. But that help is rejected and it seems like they want something else from me instead. At this point I could just be spinning my wheels though...

There's an art to offering help. People don't know how skilled a guy is or whether his advice will gel with their style or if he'll be overly pushy. So they're often loathe to commit themselves to anything too involved. So often you want to start by offering some small, juicy piece of assistance that won't take much time and doesn't require them to change much or anything.

Like, if someone is a tennis player, and you used to coach tennis, you might say, "Oh hey. You know, I coached tennis for about three years. I'm pretty good at it. We could play some time and if I notice anything you can do to improve your serve, I could give you a few tips." Very low commitment, easy to say yes to, and not pushy. Then if that goes well, you can offer to provide more help/tips after. But usually you want to start small, very light commitment, and simple.

Chase

John Greco's picture

Hey Chase,

Your law are always a mind-blowing addition to how we see things, thanks man..!

I have a fear about cold appoaching and I believe it's common among the people and maybe you could write an article if you've experienced it too.

So the fear is:

When I see a girl I'd like to approach, or even while I'm talking to her I very often feel insecure and question myself if I "don't get it". And by that I mean, I don't want to be the guy who talks to a girl and flirts with her and DOESN'T GET that she isn't interested, just nice or polite. It happens with girls whom I deem neutral towards me. I often question myself that she may think : "Wow, THAT guy is trying to flirt with me? Ha, how cute/ Ha, nice try."

It probably stems from past-insecurities where I wasn't very popular, but you know...the past matters ;)

I think it would be very helpful to write an article about how to minimize the probability a girl think that(maybe be very sexy and elegant), EVEN THOUGH she may not be very interested, for various reasons.

Thanks again,
John.

Author
Chase Amante's picture

John-

Yes, that's totally common. Bunch of other fears like that guys will have:

  • What if I walk up, but she has a boyfriend?
  • What if her boyfriend is nearby and gets aggressive?
  • What if she rejects me in a harsh way and everybody sees it?
  • What if I freeze up and make myself look like a doofus?
  • What if I go to approach her, but when I get close I realize she's ugly?
  • What if she gets into it, but I realize I don't like her that much?
  • What if when I walk over to her, she just turns and walks off?
  • What if I ask her out and she actually says YES? But I totally suck at dates?
  • What if someone I know walks by and sees me talking to this girl?

All these sorts of fears/doubts we roll up into the term 'approach anxiety'. I have an article on getting past it here:

Two more from Colt and Hector:

It actually doesn't matter what the reason that goes through your head is. And you shouldn't worry about trying to logically address it. You could 'logically' address any of these doubts with, "I'll worry about that after I go talk to her."

The real key is identifying doubts, and brushing them aside with action. Once you have that part solved, the specifics of the what ifs don't much matter.

Chase

Anonym's picture

Hi Chase,

an interesting article again, it reminded me some situations from my life. But I have a few points about your concept of fairness:

1) You wrote ” There is nothing fair about wanting others to bend to your will when you have done nothing to earn their attention, camaraderie, or sex. But there is everything fair in the world about busting your butt to become the kind of man these people want to be around.”
In other words, what you mean here is that it is fair to bend my will to what other people want (or what I believe they want) if I want something from them?

2) You wrote: “In the real world, high value people only are high value because they’ve worked their tails off to get there. You may not know it or realize it or have internalized it yet if you haven’t done much self-improvement or haven’t been around a lot of high value people. I have, and I’ve never met a single one of them who hadn’t spent years obsessing over how to raise his value to achieve the life he now has.”

You write that the only source of high value is work, but what about naturals or naturally beautiful women? Whatever you see as a high value, when people want to develop it, they often have different starting position. Moreover, some valuable things develop as a side effect of other efforts or activities, not as a conscious strategy to get better at it. Other things are inborn or are shaped by your background (family, culture etc.) – you can see differences in coolness or leadership skills when you observe group of children (and they are spontaneous, they do not work on developing skills). So if a woman has good genetics, she can be attractive without much work. If you are raised up in a certain way, you develop some cool traits without deliberate effort to develop it. Those things are usually not enough to be at the top of coolness rank, but they might be sufficient for many social settings.

3) Think about it. When is a game fair? A game is fair when everyone agrees with the rules and when everyone has equal starting position.
Sport is in many ways fair, because you can choose the one that has rules you like. If you are short and have disadvantage in basketball, you still can be a good soccer player. Or a runner. But in real life you do not choose the rules: you (generally) have no influence on laws or culture of your country, principles how market and economy works or what the opposite sex is attracted to and how sexual market works. Although most people are around average in most things, they are not same and have different starting position in different fields. Some people have cumulated advantage, others have cumulated disadvantage.

To use an extreme example to illustrate my point, there are two young men (or boys):
Man A is born in a upper middle class, well respected and well off family. His parents treat him well so he develops secure attachment style, is emotionally healthy and is confident. He is a naturally outgoing extravert and he has high testosteron level. He is quite tall, easily get muscles and has naturally attractive face features.
Then there is man B, who is born in a poor low social status family. Maybe his family is broken, because his father had alcohol issues and his mother was depressed. He was emotionally neglected, maybe abused and as a child bullied by other kids. Ha has fearful-avoidant attachment style, is an introvert and has a low testosteron level. He is short with slow metabolism (get easily more weight) and unattractive face features.

All those things are independent on how much both man work to improve themselves, it is their starting position.
Which one is cooler? Which one is more attractive for women? What happens if both of them decide for the first time to hang out with cool people or to get laid? If it does not work for the first time, how much they need to improve to succeed? Do you think it is fair?

Of course, man B can do many things to improve himself, but even if he works harder on himself than man A, he still might be less cool and get rejected more because of the big initial difference.

4) The problem often is that you do not know what the other people value. If you approach a girl and she rejects you, usually you do not know what kind of value you lacked. Even if you ask her, how often the answer is sufficient for you? The same applies for the cool guys.

5) You wrote „If you are the hot girl, born with good genetics from a long line of ancestors who carefully chose attractive partners… is it fair if some guy whose ancestors weren’t as discerning in the mates they selected or who hasn’t labored to make something of himself forces you into sex with him, instead of you being free to choose a man you are attracted to?“

Of course, women should choose the man they want and vice versa. And they have to reject a lot of men if there are too many who are interested in them, whatever their quality is. But having good genetics is no merit and i tis not necessarily result of careful choices by her ancestors. If you compare naturally beautiful girl with good genetics and a girl who does not have it (she certainly can improve herself, but in a limited extent, it is not possible to change everything on your body, even if you include plastic surgery), then the former just happenned to be born as such. The difference has big impact on later life of both of them. Can you say it is fair?

I found one interesting discussion on Quora, where one woman wrote:
„I'm not breathtakingly beautiful, but I'm definitely above average...During my college days I had heard many "I love you"...People naturally talk to me. I never had to put in efforts to make friends or to get dates.”

https://www.quora.com/What-does-it-feel-like-to-be-a-woman-that-men-alwa...

If you read this discussion, can you say those women worked hard for years to be that attractive? I doubt it.

Thank you for your answers.

Anonym

P.S. It is not meant as complaining about my situation – I had cumulated advantages in some fields and cumulated disadvantages in others.

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Anonym-

In other words, what you mean here is that it is fair to bend my will to what other people want (or what I believe they want) if I want something from them?

Well, think of it like this. Michael wants $20 from you. You, a moment ago, did not know Michael existed or pay much attention to him. Should Michael offer you something you want in exchange for that $20? Or should Michael complain about how cruel and greedy you are for not giving him $20 in his time of need? Which would be more fair to you?

Whichever it is, that is the approach you should take toward other people, too.

You write that the only source of high value is work, but what about naturals or naturally beautiful women? Whatever you see as a high value, when people want to develop it, they often have different starting position. Moreover, some valuable things develop as a side effect of other efforts or activities, not as a conscious strategy to get better at it. Other things are inborn or are shaped by your background (family, culture etc.) – you can see differences in coolness or leadership skills when you observe group of children (and they are spontaneous, they do not work on developing skills). So if a woman has good genetics, she can be attractive without much work. If you are raised up in a certain way, you develop some cool traits without deliberate effort to develop it. Those things are usually not enough to be at the top of coolness rank, but they might be sufficient for many social settings.

If a woman is beautiful and high value, that took hard work. A beautiful woman by default has a lot of people who want a piece of her. If she just goes with whomever or chases thrills or what have you, her value degrades. I've met plenty of beautiful women who date trashy men and whose lives are disasters. They're high value I suppose in their trashy circles, but I doubt any high value guy I know would date them. I've turned beautiful girls down for sex whose lives were too messy a few times when I looked at the girl and said, "This girl is hot, but she is way too high risk. I have no idea what kind of terrible crap might befall me if I let her into my life even a bit."

Not to mention, too, the beautiful women who don't show it off, and aren't considered particularly high value by most. I've talked about how the women regarded by many men as the highest value often aren't, in fact, the most beautiful / the unicorn-caliber girls: "You're Passing Up the Hottest, Coolest Girls." Value is subjective.

Naturals work hard for their skill sets, but often not the same way other men have. They chase sex from an early age often, and dedicate large swaths of their time and energy to understanding, seducing, and bedding women. Your average triple notch count natural has given over a big chunk of his life energy to women - not just enjoying their fruits, but figuring out how to get them. He does not accidentally stumble into bed with one girl after another :)

Since value is subjective though, I suppose you could technically have a guy who has never worked hard, yet is considered high value by people. I'm struggling to come up with a clear idea though. Even the sleazy social climber trust fund baby devotes a lot of time to creating and maintaining his hoity-toity reputation among the 'in' crowd and those who follow them.

Even someone like a Kim Kardashian has worked to endlessly promote herself. She may not have much objective value removed from media promotion, but she puts a lot of work into making sure she is always in the press to keep that image up and maintain the social capital of being 'high value'.

But having good genetics is no merit and i tis not necessarily result of careful choices by her ancestors. If you compare naturally beautiful girl with good genetics and a girl who does not have it (she certainly can improve herself, but in a limited extent, it is not possible to change everything on your body, even if you include plastic surgery), then the former just happenned to be born as such. The difference has big impact on later life of both of them. Can you say it is fair?

There is a bizarre trend in modern society to view the individual as divorced from ancestry. Virtually no historical society I've read of viewed man this way. I'm not sure if the strange modern view is the result of Boasian anthropology and the Frankfurt School, or if this is a more general trend in modern super-urban societies with their derth of community, history, and family ties.

The only way I can see genetics as being 'random' or unfair is if we strip an individual's ancestors of agency, and turn them into beings of pure chance, who selected mates at random. Or if we create a scenario in which no genetic inheritance passes from forebear to offspring... or a Boasian anthropological world where genes are an afterthought and have no real influence on people.

Otherwise, your son will have the genes you select for him (in terms of your mate), plus your genes, which each of your ancestors selected for. There were limitations on the gene selections available to them, versus those available to other humans, but of course the reason for those limitations one can boil down to the lifetime choices of the individual, plus the compounded choices of the ancestors that came before him.

Humans devote an enormous amount of energy to mate competition and mate selection. Chance plays a role in the outcome. But I think we can safely say for most people, most of the time, the outcome they get is more the result of agency than randomness. There is a randomness aspect in which specific mate an individual ends up with, of course. But if you watch people over a long enough period of time, you'll notice they date the same kinds of mates again and again. John may end up with Hannah instead of Sally, but whichever one he ultimately married and made babies with, both girls were much more similar than all the other girls John did not go for and would not likely have dated.

I found one interesting discussion on Quora, where one woman wrote:
„I'm not breathtakingly beautiful, but I'm definitely above average...During my college days I had heard many "I love you"...People naturally talk to me. I never had to put in efforts to make friends or to get dates.”

Find me a woman who hasn't had many men tell her they love her, and I'll show you a woman with a particularly mean scowl, or otherwise off-putting personality. Especially if she goes to school for engineering (like the one in this Quora answer did); she's one of three women in a class of 40 men.

She could look like Quasimodo and she'd still think, based on the attention she got, she was above average in looks :)

Nothing unfair about that, though - she was born with a vagina, and opted to choose a major where she'd be around nothing but boys.

Well, I guess the set of genitals one gets is down to chance. So maybe that's 'fair' or 'unfair'. Assuming you'd be happy with either set, of course.

But then, each set comes with its perks and drawbacks.

Chase

Anonym's picture

Hi chase,

I have some points here to reply:

1) You wrote” If a woman is beautiful and high value, that took hard work. A beautiful woman by default has a lot of people who want a piece of her. If she just goes with whomever or chases thrills or what have you, her value degrades. I've met plenty of beautiful women who date trashy men and whose lives are disasters.”

Here you mention as example of the hard work of the beautiful high value girl that she has to be selective, but I am not sure whether it is that hard work. It seem mostly like finding standard that she want from others and rejecting the other ones. However I wrote that those natural advantages like natural beauty are not enough for someone to be the highest value, but they can without much work make a difference between low and medium value. Think of it like this:
There are two girls. One is naturally beautiful, the other is naturally unattractive (Note: I know that attractivity is subjective, but there are general trends, f.e. most men find more attractive Salma Hayek or Uma Thurman rather than Andrea Dworkin). Both of them are otherwise same, and they work on themselves equally hard and smart (it does not matter how much). Which one is higher value and more attractive? The former one. She may not be super high value, but she is still higher value than many other girls, although she may not work harder than they do. It is like what you wrote in your article on attraction, that there are many factors and causes of attraction. Some of them are in your control, others are not. It is not only your work what matters here. This applies for naturals as well.

2) You wrote: “Humans devote an enormous amount of energy to mate competition and mate selection. Chance plays a role in the outcome. But I think we can safely say for most people, most of the time, the outcome they get is more the result of agency than randomness. There is a randomness aspect in which specific mate an individual ends up with, of course. But if you watch people over a long enough period of time, you'll notice they date the same kinds of mates again and again.”
I agree that genetics matters and that people devote energy to mate selection, of course. That is evolutionary biology. But while you may carefully choose your mate with the best genetics you can get (many children are not result of that careful mate selection), there is some level of randomness in the gene recombination that your child have from you and your mate. F.e. if your parents have blue and green eyes and parents of your mate have blue and brown eyes, than your child may have blue, green or brown eyes. The exact colour is randomness. So what people do is trying to reduce probability of the bad outcome.
Yes, people often tend to date the same kind of mates again. It depends also on many factors, but from your perspective it in some extent random, what exactly you are attracted to. As well from your perspective it is random what genetics you have. For example I am taller than my father (my sister is as tall as my mother), but I have probably naturally significantly lower testosteron level than he has. Since you have no control over your genetics, it is a random for you what you got. You can enjoy benefits of having good ancestors (if you have ones), but that is nothing you earned. Whatever you got, it does not make you better (or worse) person. So people are not genetically divorced from ancestors (obviously), but socially it is a more complicated issue.
Thanks

Anonym

IamAnon's picture

Hats off to you Sir for perpetuating this nihilistic Darwinistic worldview in an already reprobate world. You are just the kind of charlatan self styled guru we need to make matters worse :(

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Ah, yes, of course. We needn't reveal the rules of socialization. Let's leave those society has left behind in the darkness. We must abandon those wretched souls to rot in the dust - only the highborn must be saved, correct?

And he spake this parable unto certain which trusted in themselves that they were righteous, and despised others: Two men went up into the temple to pray; the one a Pharisee, and the other a publican. The Pharisee stood and prayed thus with himself, God, I thank thee, that I am not as other men are, extortioners, unjust, adulterers, or even as this publican. I fast twice in the week, I give tithes of all that I possess. And the publican, standing afar off, would not lift up so much as his eyes unto heaven, but smote upon his breast, saying, God be merciful to me a sinner. I tell you, this man went down to his house justified rather than the other: for every one that exalteth himself shall be abased; and he that humbleth himself shall be exalted.

Chase

mordy 's picture

Thanks alot Chase. ..i don't know how to put this but I feel like I really needed this post in my life now. ...this post changed me.. .its like a simple trick to this great puzzle called life. ..keep blessing us with your words man

Jimbo's picture

Exactly! It's the same principle of free-market economics, except applied on the social level. And instead of having money as currency, you barter services/values. Good old-fashioned capitalism, voluntary transactions whereby both parties end up better off. And guess what, it's the best system overall because it incentivizes people to produce and provide things (material and immaterial) other people need or desire. And so society as a whole ends up with more fulfilled needs and desires.

Of course, just like with economic capitalism, those who don't want to put in the effort of providing value, or looking for ways to provide value in exchange of getting some themselves, will cry foul and rail against these damn top 1% in popularity and attractiveness and connections, on how they wouldn't just spread the wealth with them!

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Jimbo-

Excellent analogy, yes.

It's basically just "what do people do naturally when no one uses force to make them do otherwise."

And yeah, the ones who don't put the effort in... There was an article out recently on 92% of Berlin left-wing activists still living with their parents.

Though everything has a function. People use the 'unfair' argument when they suspect it will be easier to pressure others into giving them what they want then it will be for them to go out and get it themselves. Which, depending on the state of the market, it may just be. Economic systems often get gummed up over time as those in power construct increasingly Byzantine webs of rules and regulations to remain in power in spite of market forces. And I suppose we see this in social systems too; "Do X and you're out of the group. Do Y and you're out of the group. Do Z and you're out of the group," etc.

Economics, I suppose, is ultimately a social system; it just governs a different form of value traded among people. One is material/financial, another immaterial/relational.

Chase

Dale's picture

It is not necessary to give the value most people want; you can give the value you have to the people who want that value.

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Dale-

Yes, absolutely.

If most people want to be around a guy with a great sense of humor, and you don't have a great sense of humor but you do know a great deal about chess, while that might not be interesting to most people, there will be a group of people who'd love to hang out with you and pick your brain on chess or learn chess from you or play against you.

So long as you're happy with the sort of people your value attracts (and you have enough value to attract the quantity of people you want, as well as the quality of people you want), you don't need to change a thing.

Chase

Robinhood's picture

Hey Chase! Whats better? Following law of least effort or showing that u have worked for something. Working for something also displays a lot of qualities such as discipline, work ethic, skill etc. F.e if someone is getting money and someone/a girl asks you whats the deal, is it better to say u worked to earn it or show that u got family money? The latter follows the law of least effort but makes u look a like a trust fund baby who is dependent on his parents and has to be still fed by them. Maybe some girls go for that. Can this be used to screen girls? Like to find girls who are more attracted to hard work than trust fund babies. Your thoughts?

How to deal with a girl whos into you but when you try to talk to her about something important or question her about something, she cant be pinned down and deflects with humour. She can talk about things important to her but when i question her she uses humor adeptly. And further talking about that topic makes me look stupid or chasing for answers :/ in short, a typical case of girls hiding things, keeping their cards close and not revealing too much. She does tell really personal things but only strategically, on her own schedule and when it suits and benefits her. How to circumvent this? Thank you.

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Robinhood-

Depends what you're going for. Worked hard for it = more attainable. Gets it effortlessly = more value. I've not tried using this as a screening tool, but if you're dealing with a lot of gold diggers or social climbers, it's probably worth testing out.

Best way to deal with someone who's dodging a line of questioning is to point out you know what they're doing and ask them straight. e.g., "Hey, be straight with me. No jokes. We need to talk about this without the bullshit," and ask your question. If that person still won't be straight, you may need to escalate it to an argument to get a straight answer.

Chase

Mr. B's picture

You could publish this as an ebook and sell it for $150.

This is gold, man.

Thank you!

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