7 Girl-Getting Paradigms (Which One is Yours?) | Girls Chase

7 Girl-Getting Paradigms (Which One is Yours?)

Chase Amante

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Chase Amante's picture

girl getting paradigms
Different men approach meeting girls from wildly different paradigms. What does your paradigm say about you – and how’s it impact your success?

The other day, commenting below Alek’s fourth installment on his series about meeting girls in gay bars, a reader named BMontana remarked:

[A]s a man, I not only want to get laid but I also want a woman to chose me over other straight guys, it’s an ego thing I guess. Now I wouldn’t mind picking up a girl in a gay bar if I was 100% sure I would succeed but still knowing that I am one of the few non gay guys won’t give me the satisfaction that I would have gotten when picking up a woman in a regular bar.

It’s an interesting girl-getting paradigm: I’m most satisfied with a pickup if the girl chooses me over other men.

At first I mistook BMontana’s paradigm for: I’m most satisfied with a pickup if I vanquish other men. But I realized that is yet another paradigm. BMontana wants to feel picked by the girl over other offers, rather than to defeat other men in a battle of skills, wit, or will.

What I’d like to do today is to explore the different potential paradigms a man may have when it comes to securing new women. Some of these paradigms are more helpful than others; however, I will not present them in order of effectiveness.

Instead, we’ll talk a bit about what makes a paradigm more or less effective, and then we’ll discuss the seven (7) paradigms a man may use. Note that your paradigm will tend to be your default; when you operate from a paradigm, it is how you normally interact with the opposite sex.

The paradigm you inhabit colors your dating world: how you think about women, you interpret the signs and signals they give you, and how successful (or not) you are, in various situations, with various women.

Comments

Vibes's picture

Hey Chase, I bought your how to text girls book from Amazon a few days back and was wondering what to do in this specific situation. Ive slept with a girl already but she just wont go out to meet me again. I tried to get her to on a date for the longest time but she just teases. I cant make a call like you said in the book because I text her thru the app Kik so I dont have her number. A few days back she texted me "Boo" with a kissy emoji. I didnt reply. A few days later she created a group chat with just me and her in it but hasnt texted anything. Im pretty sure she's just trying to friendzone me or have me in her backpocket in case her other prospects dont pan out. I havent replied yet because Im tired of texting her to go out and not getting results. I think Its partly my fault because when we had sex I didnt last very long since it was my first time. I lasted probably a minute. Anyway, should I just move on, or can I still sleep with her again?

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Vibes-

I suggest you use the "ball in her court" text.

Text her something about how you like her a lot, and would really like to spend more time with her. But she seems busy, etc. And tell her to get in touch once she's got a little more time and is ready to meet up. There's a full section on this in the book with details and examples.

Then go radio silent. Don't text her. Resist any urge to follow up.

Craft a good message and the majority of girls will get back in touch with you within 2 weeks to schedule something up. Though you should move on in the meantime - you won't always get the text back, and it's just good form either way.

Chase

Sz's picture

Hey Chase,

I didn't want to ask, but I want to make sure that I'm doing the right thing when it comes to the internal side of things.

I know you don't really do inner game, but I was wondering what I could do to change the internal side of things right now to match my external?

I know it comes with success, but if people can smell it on me then I won't succeed.

Should I just force myself to act like im the man?Should I just ignore my feelings of doubt or whatever?

Fake it til I make it?, but actually if I fake it, then they can still tell. Shit.

2. I also wanted to know with how do I deal with panic mode? I'm coming to realize that since I'm older that id want to continue my legacy soon rather than too much later. I worry though because what if I don't find my young baby mother with a good track record? What if I get too old and all I have left are older crazy single moms, older crazy girls with no kids, or divorced, etc.

I'm not having a kid no time soon because I want to live my life, but it makes me worry that I don't want to lose a girl I think would be a good fit to find a girl or no girl later that's good to be a baby mother.

Author
Chase Amante's picture

SZ-

what I could do to change the internal side of things right now to match my external?

Everything on the "Mindsets" page:

http://www.girlschase.com/pages/mindsets

If you want to know where to start, start with the articles in the "Most Popular" column, and start working your way through 'em. You'll get your internals straightened out.

I also wanted to know with how do I deal with panic mode? I'm coming to realize that since I'm older that id want to continue my legacy soon rather than too much later. I worry though because what if I don't find my young baby mother with a good track record? What if I get too old and all I have left are older crazy single moms, older crazy girls with no kids, or divorced, etc.

I'm not having a kid no time soon because I want to live my life, but it makes me worry that I don't want to lose a girl I think would be a good fit to find a girl or no girl later that's good to be a baby mother.

Yes, that's scarcity. There's no cure for it aside from abundance.

Without abundance, you can try to tell yourself you'll be fine all you want, but your amygdala isn't going to buy it. There are only two ways out of scarcity: hit abundance, or overcome desire.

Short of one of those milestones, scarcity will always be there, gnawing away at you. It is a driving motivator in human life.

Chase

a-jay's picture

A little story inspired by this article..

I can see, save from a few exceptions, that I've mostly operated from a "she must get me" kind of paradigm because I believe(d) I am/was that awesome. And when girls realized this awesomeness in me and started to pursue me, whether for a dancefloor makeout or hot bed gymnastics, how could I not return the favor? (Even though I just happened to be at the right place at the right time mostly, and only a handful was physically attractive to me)

When I thought it didn't work out quite well anymore, that's when I'd find GC. I wanted a change in my women life, but not sure what change - I didn't know I was being passive. I just saw I could meet strangers anywhere with a lot different techniques and mindsets, and that kind of freaked me out and overwhelmed me. I decided to give it a try anyway because back then, the pain of not being able to make a move was scarier than the thought of meeting new women. But I see now that changing to a more active role instead of a passive one is a lot harder to accomplish than I initially thought. Here I am, 3 years down the road: better than I was back then, but still not fully committed to changing at all. I suspect my ego plays a huge role here:

- it can't handle rejections that well
- it doesn't want me to change because of my perceived "success" with passive game
- it doesn't want me to believe that I suck that badly with women

I just realized the last one recently. I seriously suck with women. I still see myself as a prize to them, but my game to make them see this suck. "Why can't they just see it?? Why should I improve that??", goes the thinking. But a prize doesn't care whether somebody takes it or not - so judging from this line of thought, I might not fully believe it anymore. Or what...?

I went out most of May and primo June to improve day game. But I still freeze. "Let me go meet her! ... Whoops, now she's too far away.." Meeting strangers still seem so unnatural that I can't just talk to somebody haha. When my last exam is over in a couple of days, it's picking up from where I left and getting my ass out there again.

I want to think from "I will pick her" and choose girls from a place of abundance. Why?

- Because I see I could have settled down with a couple of women I didn't want to settle with long term.
- And I don't want to live in fear of meeting and sexing women. I'll regret it later down the road if I don't do any substantial change.

It has come down to a battle between me and my ego. I can't take it easy and keep looking for pleasure for the sake of pleasure. I can keep thinking I'm the prize, but how does it support me in my journey when I do not use it as motivation to evolve myself? Well, better change that..

Sometimes I want to say "Thanks for making my life harder, Chase!" ;) But as somebody who already made his life hard by doing his best in whatever situation before finding GC, I know it will be worth it.

Author
Chase Amante's picture

You're welcome, A-Jay ;)

Yes, definitely hard overcoming ingrained habits. And you may be naturally inclined toward a more passive role too. Seems like a lot of men are - it's much more effective in small communities than it is in big, anonymous, urban environments. In a small community, women get to know you over time, and if they like you, they will signal you, and make a bunch of initial first moves.

In the urban environment, you're a complete stranger, and they never get to know you well enough to do this. Thus passivity becomes much more of a handicap than it would otherwise be.

Anyway, stick with it. Once you get past approach anxiety, one of the biggest humps is past. You can start to build a lot of momentum after this.

Chase

Troy's picture

Hey Chase

I purchased your book on texting girls on Amazon. I have not finished reading the book so i have a quick question, im not sure you have ever wrote on this, how to end text conversations.

Most of the texting apps whether it be sms or whatsapp, or facebook, even though the goal i go after is setting up dates, sometimes if a girl has fallen off my radar for a while i will text her short and spicy conversations 1 or 2 days then ask her then ask her out.

Some times i will just go for the kill and ask her out in the same conversation. What i would like to know is how do i end text conversations smoothly?

2. If i just asked out a girl, how do i end, let her be the last one to reply or i reply last? does it matter?

3. Is it a power struggle issue i should think about? i find usually i aim to make it 60% i let the girl send the last text and 40% i send the last text and allow her to read my message and not reply. Is this good or not?

4. Saying things like "bye", "good night sleep well", or "good morning dear", are they manly things to say, things women will go wow for or could they be a turn off?

5. Could saying "i am going to sleep now so talk tomorrow" a bad idea? or "im going to get dinner, talk later".

6. Is ending a conversation knowing the girl will see my message (there is no way to prevent read receipts) abrubly make her lose attraction and think of me as a jerk?

A good breakdown of these texting nuances would be really helpful. Chase you and the team did a good job putting the texting book on amazon reader. Id love seeing How to Make Girls Chase and your other books on Amazon also, i love having everything on my Kindle Paperwhite.

Troy

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Troy-

Good questions! I do not believe I discussed ending text conversations in-depth in the book, so let me give you some details here.

Let's say you've asked her out, she said okay, and you set up some details. You'll usually have a wind-down like this:

You: Perfect. See you in two days then :)

Her: See you then =)

... and you're done. You end by telling her when you expect to see her next. She'll usually reply ("See you!"), but if she doesn't, that's fine too - it can end on your message.

If it was a longer, chat-like conversation where you were going back and forth for 30 minutes or an hour in an informal chat, and finally reached the ask out, you will usually want more of an excuse for leaving. So something more like this:

You: Perfect.

You: All right Megs.

You: Gotta hop off now. Just reached the gym. Time to lift heavy weights.

Her: Okay!

You: So, have a wonderful night!

Her: You too!

You: And I will see you in a couple of days :)

Her: Have a good work out!

Her: See you Sunday =)

Telling her you're going to sleep is fine too. "All righty, going to hit the hay. Having trouble keeping my eyes open," or something like this is great. "Time for me to hit the sack. They've got me getting into the office at the same time the roosters are all waking up tomorrow." Etc.

6. Is ending a conversation knowing the girl will see my message (there is no way to prevent read receipts) abrubly make her lose attraction and think of me as a jerk?

Not certain I understand the question. I think you mean ending the conversation, then logging out before she replies, so you do not receive her last message and it sits there unread?

Proper etiquette is to give her a good 30 seconds to a minute to respond after your last message before you sign out. If it takes her two minutes to respond, and you aren't online, she'll understand and that's normal. Actually, if it takes her two minutes, and then you read it, and don't respond with anything after, it may be kinda weird (especially if you said you had to leave, but were still online reading two minutes later). Not super weird, but a little bit. However, if she belts out a response 15 seconds after you said goodnight, and you are no longer online and do not read the message, it'll likely feel socially uncalibrated to her. Right around a minute or so is the sweet spot to hop off after your last message. Anything before that it's fine to read without replying to.

And, we will get more books up on Amazon! Have a few in production at the moment. Just need to find time to work on them...!

Chase

Sadeqh's picture

Hey Chase!

Hope you always rock on your way of attractiveness for men
I am currently away from all this precious facts because I do not live in a free country I still am In Iran,
you really never know how hard it is to be in middle of some people who know nothing of real freedom and moralities..
I am recruited for military just to get to europe and hopefully america in few years ahead and build a buisness for myself and the future that I know a part of is because of you.
plus that you remind me of the lord henry in the picture of Dorian Grey novel ;)

Be well, Sadeqh

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Sadeqh-

Hadn't read Dorian Gray, but just read the character summary for Lord Henry on Wikipedia. Interesting comparison!

Well, serve with honor while in the military. Although how does serving with the Iranian military get you to Europe? Or does that simply enable you to travel abroad (is it an ordinary citizen vs. military veteran thing - veterans have an easier time getting overseas)?

I'm sure you will get your passport stamps in time. It's a big world out there... travel, and the ability to get outside one's own home culture, is one of the greatest freedoms there is.

Chase

Sadeqh's picture

-Chase

It's a must for every male citizen over here to spend a sweet nothing two years of military service in order to have that passport enabled otherwise we can't have free access to the outside world and it's way different than what people experience in military in US or Europe .

Can't wait to travel your parts of the world ;)

Always

Jimbo's picture

The 'fighting over a girl' isn't arousing because they're fighting over her (although the masculine aspect of the fight itself can turn her on), but rather the fact that the woman is having no choice and no control, she is about to be taken by whoever asserts himself as more dominant; kill the dude and take his female, that's the baseline of female sexuality, because that's how things operated in most of our primitive history (and even medieval and modern, with tribal conflicts and all). They find it sexy for the same reason they find rape and abduction sexy, and for the same reason the like a man taking action/charge.

Agree about your last mental model being the most efficient.

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Jimbo-

Yes, very good clarification! I did not make that clear in the article. Was thinking it...! Didn't make it in though. I think I filed it away under "talk about this when you do that Emmanuelle article."

But absolutely right - it's usually all about, "I have lost control, these guys are hopped up on testosterone, they're battling over me, and now the winner is going to take me. And he'll be in total savage mode and there's basically nothing I can really do to resist."

The invading army / willing women thing is huge as well. Absolutely huge. Totally excluded from most Western history books because the behavior undermines many of the behavioral pillars of modern feminism. But lots of examples in recent recorded history - and most fascinatingly, often the native women claim to have been raped en masse once their men kick the invaders out, while the invading men claim the women were all willing... I suspect there are many more willing women than there are unwilling. And as more genetic evidence turns up, we are finding more and more examples of migrant male - native female pairings that lead to new regional races (Europe was invaded by men 5,000 years ago who mated with the local women to produce today's Europeans; India was invaded by Aryan males four millennia ago who mated with native females to produce today's Indians - interestingly, they thought they'd disproved the "Aryan Indians" thing, until they decided to look at Indian Y-chromosomes instead of just matrilineal DNA. Shocking results ensued!).

Nice find digging up that old LR from MonsterSlimJim, too - just linked it up in the article (and thanked you there!).

Chase

Jimbo's picture

Yep it would be really interesting to read the account of the invaders, on how willing the women were. It's well-known that millions of rapes occured during the Soviet occupation of Germany after 1945, resulting in an estimated 100,000 births in Berlin alone*. It's hard to imagine this many soldiers took part if the women hadn't shown some willingness in the process. Some could argue that even a perceived willingness would be nothing more than a practical resignation to "the new boss", that there wasn't much they could've done anyway. But something tells me some of that instinctive reaction was sexual as well, if one goes by what turns women on: power, strength, authority, dominance, assertiveness, taking charge, mystery/intrigue... all of those traits are available in a soldier of the new dominant tribe in town taking you and having his way with you.

*http://books.google.com/books?id=fVO1b9-KvdYC&pg=PA91&dq=Berlin+%22mass+...

Jimbo's picture

This is probably the board you were looking for: http://www.girlschase.com/boards/viewtopic.php?f=5&t=604

Alessandro's picture

Hey Chase,
Alessandro 33-year-old doctor from Italy here.

I’ve read your amazing book and I’d like to understand better your point of view about flakes.

Even though medicine makes me work very hard and I don’t have much time to meet girls, I am now in contact with 5 beautiful girls. I like one of them (we will call her Giusy) better than the others.

I met Giusy 5 months ago, via Facebook. She was single and seemed interested. We had long conversations that lasted a couple weeks (I didn’t invite her out because I was very busy), but, at some point, she removed me from her friend list. I asked her the reasons: she told me that she had restarted a relationship with her ex. 2-3 weeks later, she added me on FB again, telling me she had understood there was nothing wrong with talking with me as a friend. I was focused on my life, objectives and other girls, so I accepted her conditions with a nonchalance attitude. Even though she had a boyfriend, we chatted very often. I’ve read your article about girls with a boyfriend: I don’t think she is a teaser, because she invited me to go out with her more than I did (also, I’m not the kind of guy who is put in the friend zone, usually).

The problem is, she flakes out on me frequently: sometimes, she blocks the possibility for me to send her FB messages (because she is afraid that her boyfriend may discover our conversation); other times (2 in total) she invites me out and then we don’t meet.

5 days ago, during a FB dialogue, she said: “Hey, we should meet this Saturday, because I’m going to Vomero with a friend (Vomero is where I live)”. Yesterday, she sent me a message: “I’m in Vomero, having dinner with a female friend. What are you doing?” Me: “I met some friends during the afternoon and now I’m having dinner at home. Let’s drink something together later. Ok?”. She read the message without replying. Two hours passed and then she replied: “We left the pub 2 minutes ago, but we are tired and want to return home. Let’s organize something tomorrow”. Me: “Oh, you probably gourged yourself! No problem: I have done other things. Yes, we could meet, if organization will be less approximate”.

Chase, the point is this, in my opinion: she feels guilty to meet me, so she needs an excuse for herself: if I had said “I’m with my friends, you and your friend could join us”, she would have told her friend “Let’s meet this group” and it would have been easy; instead, since I was alone, it would have been difficult for her (since she has a boyfriend) to justify my presence to her female friend, so she flaked.

Now, I’m a very well-mannered guy: I never flake out on people; I’m always respectful with everybody and their feelings; If a friend invites me, I reply soon, because I know that I would damage his time management if I replied late.

I don’t know how American girls are (even though I had a relationship with an American girl and it was amazing), but here in Italy good and ambitious girls are often ill-mannered. If I decided to eliminate ill-mannered people, I would have no friends. Giusy is not a bad person, and probably she would be a nice girlfriend, but I don’t like these manners, and, by teasing her, I try to communicate this.

I have options, but since she seems genuinely interested, since I like her better than the others, since I appreciate the fact she works very hard as a lawyer and since I continue meeting other girls and being productive in my life, I haven’t cut her from my life yet.

How should I frame the situation? Grazie.

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Alessandro-

While I've seen a few guys pull it off from time to time, pointing out girls' flakiness (whether by teasing them, lecturing them, or any other way) usually does not work until you've had sex with her on at least 2 or 3 separate occasions. Before that point, you have no leverage over her so it's wasted effort.

My general recommendation with girls texting isn't working out with is phone calls... for all the details outlined here:

I'd try it with this chick and see if that helps you get things back on track. If not:

Chase

Alessandro's picture

Thank you, Chase. I agree with you.

Good news: the day after I wrote you the previous message, she invited me out and we had a coffee (but she was with a girlfriend and I was with a male friend). She told me the relationship with her boyfriend was over (for her choice) and, while she was trying to be nice, it was clear her mood was not very good (I noticed crossed arms when I got closer). Now it's difficult to find a balance: If I call and invite her everyday, I risk to smother a girl who is not so ready for something new; if I give her too much space, somebody else could get her.

What should I do? Tonight I am having my first phone conversation with her. My instinct says that I should invite her out (me and her alone) next week, even though I risk rejection or a rebound role.

Grazie.

Dale's picture

A very interesting article. When I was dating, I would have said #1 (but with no idea how); however, I behaved more like a combination of #7 and #2. In a group of women, I would pick out one to approach and realize now that I was responding to IOIs. Unfortunately, I had no idea how to land the woman.

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