Tactics Tuesdays: Make Her Come to You (on Dates) | Girls Chase

Tactics Tuesdays: Make Her Come to You (on Dates)

Chase Amante

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Chase Amante's picture

her come to you
When you plan out a date, it’s just easier to plan it for somewhere close to you. If you’ve been trying to meet girls “halfway”, you’ve been doing it wrong.

Short article. This won’t be anything terribly new or earth-shattering if you’re a longtime reader. But it might be a worthwhile refresher.

Was talking to one of our grizzled GC veterans whom I’d unfortunately missed a series of phone calls with. He’s a punctual guy, and I missed three calls I had scheduled with him in a row. I miss a lot of calls (I’m the worst at schedules. Punctuality is not my strong suit), but I’ve never missed three in a row with one person before, I don’t think. He felt understandably bothered/devalued by my missing scheduled calls with him. The first time was me being absentminded, but the second two missed calls were black swan woman-related chaos (I almost never have women derail my business or personal plans, and the only two days I can remember where I missed calls due to a woman were both days I had calls with the GC veteran in question).

Anyway, I felt bad, but once a call is missed, there’s little you can do. You are just that unreliable jerk who disrespects other people’s time. You are an asshole.

But it isn’t just scheduled calls I miss. I’ve long been very flakey about meeting girls for dates, too. I forget about dates, I show up an hour late, I go to the wrong place, etc. Sometimes it works out okay; I’ve had girls show up to the next date ready to go to bed after I’d stood them up on Date #1 (always by accident; I have never stood anyone up on purpose, and don’t expect I ever will). But often you’ll just never hear from her again. It’s not a reliable way to turn strangers into lovers.

So, as a result of my flakiness, I adopted the strategy I’ll review with you today: make her come to you.

Comments

SZ's picture

The closest place I can think for me is 10-15 min from my house, it's a pizza shop, and a sports bar near by me. Are those good date spots? Would I pay for those cheap dates or not?

I'm also a little confused because I have read before that it's better to go to a girls place in case she's crazy or whatever, so wouldn't that mean that it's harder to sleep with her, since the date is on her terms of where she's at? Is it worth the risk to have the date be easier for you to get paid, but she knows where you live or to go where she's at and be somewhere she's familiar with? Also, you don't know where she lives at first, so idk how a date by her would work? Anyway, what would you think would be the best out of the two options?

I just wanted to clarify on having a chick pick you up also, telling her she's driving sounds like she might be able to brush it off since you didn't fuck her or anything, is that for more advanced game or could I literally just say that right now? I feel it would make her not want to invest and in fact not even want to go on the date anymore. Plus if she picks me up she'll know that my house is close to the date spot, and wonder why I ain't drive myself. She also will see what car you drive as well.

Idk man, there have been many times where I didn't plan things out and had no idea on how to fix situations, so I'm trying to know what to do before they appear.

Author
Chase Amante's picture

They could be good spots, SZ. Check them out and see how they work for you.

Whether you pay for them, or she does, or you split down the middle will be down to the expectations you set with the girl (is this a formal date? Are you a boyfriend candidate?) and how you run things.

Going to girls' places has some big advantages for intimacy, including that she is already comfortable with the place. If it is not a logistically good option, of course, you should take her somewhere else.

If you feel like girls will flake on you if you ask them to drive, then don't ask them to drive. Save that for when you're feeling a little more confident or a little more experimental, and use this then.

Chase

Ninano's picture

Hey Chase,
Sup? I asked you a question back about Donald Trump persuasion techniques, and I mentioned debating.
If possible, do you have any good tips to winning debates? Especially mindsets and all. From what I've seen, your content does matter but the mindset wins. Does debating relate to frame control? As to the strongest frame wins the debate? An experienced debater told me it's about knowing that you're always right but that's vague. Your input would be very much appreciated. ;)

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Ninano-

Well, from a high level perspective, yes, knowing you're always right is vital. Although I think I'd frame it more as "knowing there is always a way to win." In real life, in regards to whatever it is I'm trying to do, I tend to shorten this to just "there's always a way."

The thing to keep in mind with logic is that it is infinite. It is possible to argue for or against anything, infinitely. A good debater can pick any side and find a way to argue his way out of any rhetorical position an opponent puts him into. e.g., he can argue forever about why pink ink is the best ink to write with, better than black ink or blue ink or what have you (if I was tasked with this position in a debate, I think I'd start by specifying we mean DARK pink ink, because light pink is almost unreadable on paper and clearly would not be superior to black/blue. You need to be able to argue in ways that make intuitive sense). Or he can argue why anyone insisting the sky is really blue is delusional (good starting point might be that the sky only looks blue because of the way sunlight refracts in our atmosphere... but there are all kinds of directions you might take things from there).

So a kind of mental persistence/doggedness is vital here. Basically no matter what kind of rhetorical trap an opponent sets for you, if you're a good debater there is always a way to escape it and win.

Another major tip is to be aware of logical fallacies and avoid making them at all costs. You can use them to cream less experienced debaters, but they'll shred your credibility against debaters who are able to recognize them and call them out when you use them, and they'll shake your confidence (until you reach Advanced Debater and can shrug off even your own flimsy / accidentally fallacious arguments - "Okay, that was probably a poor comparison. The accurate comparison however is this:"). It's also helpful to know these to be able to recognize when opponents use them on you, to more easily sidestep them. Fallacies are great at tripping up less experienced debaters or taking you down the garden path in a debate.

One final suggestion (already covered in the Trump article, more or less) is to always be on the attack. If you must defend yourself, defend, then attack. If you do not attack, and only defend, then the only way you win is by tiring out your opponent, rather than crushing him. Which is still doable, but it often leads to more ambiguous victories, where he never delivers a killing blow against you, but you never deliver one against him either.

(for the readers, you'll note how often my recommendation on Girls Chase is "go and test this stuff out"; that's because it'd be totally possible for me to infinitely argue Seduction Strategy X is the best way to accomplish Y with girls, even if in fact Seduction Strategy Z would end up working a lot better for you and your particular style. So test stuff out, figure out what works for you, set aside the stuff that doesn't, and hold onto the stuff that does. People often aren't aware of the limitations of their own perspective, myself included. Vital to always test)

Chase

Jack Mitchell's picture

Having girls come to me dramatically increased my first date closing percentage.

I always do my best to live or stay in a centrally located cool part of the city. She has no reason to object to meeting there. If she objects, she’s most likely wrestling for control which is defiance, not compliance.

To minimize the chance of that, see Chase’s Oct 9, 2013 “Success and Over-Dominance Via Text” in the comments section of his “Being Happy with an Unconventional Life” article. Chase gives a great example of a simple meeting place text that builds consensus and achieves buy-in thereby minimizing the chance of blowback from the girl.

If she still insists you come to her or pushes for dinner, she probably sees you as a chump who’ll pay her way at some hot new place she’s heard of. Don’t waste your time and money. You were probably never going to get her anyway.

Jack

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Cheers, Jack.

For anyone comment-browsing, here's the link to the comment Jack mentions:

http://www.girlschase.com/comment/14922#comment-14922

Chase

Anonymous 's picture

Random question, but I have been looking at the sites and on the boards, and have stumbled upon education. I see that a stem major is the way to go, unfortunately I am beyond out of this world terrible with all kinds of maths, I don't even want to elaborate, it's that bad, I have gotten so lucky, but now, I have to really find a good major. I really have something wrong with me when it comes to math, seriously, I checked it out. I even tried to fight it and study my ass off, I'm not even close to a D, it's terrible. I googled and it said I should get a liberal arts or english degree, but you say different. I think I'll take your word over some random article. I literally don't know what I want to study or what I can that will make me decent money.

Chase, do you have any majors that you could name off the top of your head for folks like me that can't do math and get paid well? I'm not trying to get a degree that won't help me, but I feel even with my math problem I should still be able to get a degree I could to use to establish a good living. Im more of a creator art person, but i heard those dont make money either. Ill take what ever choices you give me and look into them. Thank You.

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Anon-

Yes, liberal arts degrees are mostly garbage if you intend to work anywhere other than academia.

My primary suggestion would be to compare the pay for different sorts of jobs here:

These are U.S. salaries, but they should translate fairly evenly to your region. Once you find a few good-paying careers that appeal to you, then it's time to figure out which majors will best help you secure those jobs.

More thoughts on picking a profession (and, by extension, the major that goes along with it) here:

Chase

Lawliet's picture

Hey Chase,

Nice latest look ! I've been used to seeing your short hair. It's really refreshing to see your updated suave look :)

Re: Dating and her location
I remember there is an article about this, how to go to her place...
From my experience, it's asking where abouts she lives nearby, go meet her there for date...
then same closing statement as if you are inviting her to your home "Night is still early..." etc., except with "But my place is too far... what say we hang out at your place". Correct me if I'm wrong.. It's been awhile since I read that article.

Re: Are we dating or is it a friend thing?
As more dates accumulated for me, I realize... girls sometime really see it as a friend hangout.
Even though it's just two people. Even though it's sometimes at night.
It's sorta "Friends first...if we hit it off.. maybe more" mentality from them...

I've actually tried holding arms (since I'm not too much of a fan for hand holding, too coupley), and lots of incidental touch (because friends don't touch thaaaaaat much) but it is still unclear at moments.
And if during these moments of uncertainty, making a move that's too strong can really blow it off..even if she did like you. Namely, your "Why it felt off for her" article - unsmooth and uncalibrated escalation.

I'm not saying not make a move..no no. I'm referring to... a middle step between "meeting up" and "making a romantic/sexual move that solidifies 'This is not a friend thing'. Essentially, escalation.
Now what exactly do I mean? in layman people, some choose to express their feelings for that middle step.
Some ask the girl "Will you be my girlfriend?" for that middle step.

Now we both know that... confessing feelings...isn't smooth. It also puts lots of pressure on women... and when they are pressured, they will pick the choice you least likely prefer. But that's the transition point I'm referring.
In what ways, will you do in part of the escalation between "solidifying 'it is not friend thing'" but also not clumsily express feelings as "I like you" or a commitment request of "Will you be mine?"

Side note: From what I read from this site, the two scenarios in my illustration are NOT recommended...
but I can't remember where I read it, so if those two are actually good, let me know. :)
But very cliche whatsoever...

Lawliet

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Lawliet-

I would not recommend you say your place is 'too far'; it creates the feeling of 'ruling things out', which makes it sound like you don't want the seduction to happen, or at least aren't being helpful about it.

Our two articles on going to her place are here - have a look!:

Meeting up with girls and having them regard it as "we are two people who could be cool friends" is something that will happen sometimes, yes, even if you open direct and are sexually explicit. Some girls are just in their own worlds where even if a guy says, "I'm going to shag you on a rooftop the next time we meet," they are thinking oh! He seems like he might be a nice, harmless friend!

However, in general, the better you get down a sexual presence and the clearer you make your interest, the less of this you run into, and the less severe it is when you do run into it.

As far as what to actually do on this date to get things moving in the right direction, here's the article for that:

Chase

Robinhood's picture

Hey Chase! Can you do an article (in the same vein as recent article of colt on early vs late 20s girls) on girls who were good looking from the beginning.. since high school vs girls who grew beautiful with time (used to be a bit healthy and later on lost weight and learned to make themselves beautiful.. by applying the right makeup.. using the right products.. learning to dress well, doing up their hair and even becoming more feminine in demeanor).

What are the main differences in their mindsets, how they see themselves in sexual market, in relationships and how they relate to men? And how we as men have to be consicous of these differences and act accordingly?

I have noticed i seem to attract more girls of the latter category (it might be because they are more like me in the sense that i used to be a "nice guy" but learned game, made my fundamentals better and improved myself by working on it). As far as my observation goes.. these girls have low self esteem and haven't caught upto their good looks most of the time. They need constant reassurances, auto reject much earlier and get hurt on minimal neglect by me. Moreover, some of them try to make up for thier lost years as unattractive by trying to get as much of an attention as they can get (both depth and breadth of attention). Breadth in the sense by getting as many men to notice them as they can. This type is also much more proactive when it comes to their love life and throw a lot of iois around.

And for a personal situation.. how much of a red flag is it if your girl makes decisions without consulting you?

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Robinhood-

Sure, I can do something on that. I've been planning to do a "recognizing natural vs. madeup beauty" article for a while; I could either incorporate mindset/personality discussions into that piece, or write one specifically on this (maybe make it a series).

Your girl making decisions on her own... depends what kind of decisions those are. If they affect you or the relationship in any way, you will often want to rein that in unless it is for things you don't care about.

I, for one, tend to plan out my schedule to a certain extent. So if I have a girl who springs something on me, like, "I booked us reservations at that restaurant I told you about for tonight!" I'll typically get annoyed right away and either tell her to move the reservations, or make it very clear that I will go tonight, but I don't want her surprise-booking me on anything again, and she needs to always check with me on things like this in the future, and if she surprise-books me for anything again, the next time I won't go, even if she's paid for something and can't refund it, etc. Tends to change that behavior fairly fast.

If she makes a decision without you along the lines of "I'm going to go party at X wild destination with my girlfriends for a week", on the other hand, that's a huge red flag if you were thinking of her as a girlfriend. If she's doing that, she's effectively just announced she is your friend-with-benefits, not a girlfriend.

Chase

Anonymous 's picture

This article makes perfect sense for easy dates. And speaking of dates, I read your article on not paying for dates, Chase, and I agree with not doing it. People always bad mouth men for not paying; I just saw a video today where a lady got up and left a guy because she "tested" him, asking if he wanted to spilt the bill for drinks, which was 20 bucks, he said yeah, then she left right then and there. Then, a lady says in the audience, "if he wants to go half on 20 bucks, he wants to go half on a mortgage". Does that make any sense?

Anyway, if the show was real or not, you can't say women aren't entitled. With that being said I read your article on not paying for dates, but I never seen a scenario for when the bill comes, or if the waitress ask if you want to split it or whatever. I know girls that like you won't mind too much, but there are girls that will use that against you because they feel entitled, maybe you're the first to say no. This is hard on a guy who doesn't go on dates like that, I really wouldn't know how to handle it. Total beginner when it comes to being on dates and conversations on dates.

I don't plan on going on dates to restaurants or anything fancy like that. I would think of more if a coffee shop, ice cream, or pizza, can't think of others. I know I've read that you said the beach, drinks and something else, i would do drinks too. Man, I even told some girls we were going Dutch if they asked me or I asked them to go out, they would say no, so I'm kinda lost with not paying, or at least not paying and still having sex because I don't believe in having to pay for for sex, even though good. Girls even said pizza and ice cream are for kids, and they want a grown fancy dinner, I have been told this by many girls. You have any more easy to lay date ideas?

Anyway I wanted to know how I can avoid the feeling of paying the bill?

What do I do in those situations with the bill being left on the table or the waitress asking if she wants to spilt the bill?

For places like pizza, ice cream, and coffee, should I pay for cheap stuff like that?
If it's up to me, i won't even pay for anything, I'll have her pay for both of us, but I don't know if you have to be at a certain level yet, do You? How would I even pull that off?

I absolutely do not want to pay because I don't believe that I have to, and if it works better that way, say no more!

I think some scenarios/ examples, would be good for me, so I can imagine it better, like, what I'm going to do, what I'm going to say, etc. To be honest I'm worried this isn't going to work, but I trust what you say, so if you could give me some scenarios of going on cheap dates like that or the bill, etc. Id love to see how I should handle that and come out on top if you know what I mean ;)

P.s. I also have your book, i bought it while ago and took a break, so I was wondering, will I be still fine to use it? I know as time goes on, and things change, so I wanted to know if I'm good.

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Anon-

Then, a lady says in the audience, "if he wants to go half on 20 bucks, he wants to go half on a mortgage". Does that make any sense?

Haha... what? That makes about as much sense as saying if she won't put out on your first date, she won't put out on your 10th wedding anniversary either. Sounds like it contains some kind of Byzantine wisdom, yet actually means nothing whatsoever.

Gotta remember, men paying for them is an ego thing for women. It is a way for a woman to flaunt her status. If men won't pay for her, she's low status. Even when women pay for me on dates, they insist that the rest of the time men always pay for them. And I have little doubt men usually do pay for them. I'm not sure I'd call it entitlement so much as I would 'status maintenance'. It's basically impossible for girly-girls to admit to ever going Dutch with men and not feel like garbage; a girl's more or less got to be a tomboy to say she goes Dutch. And a girl telling you she pays for men - forget it. Her value's in the gutter if she admits to that. So she won't, even if she has done it for a few sexy lover guys.

If it's up to me, i won't even pay for anything, I'll have her pay for both of us, but I don't know if you have to be at a certain level yet, do You? How would I even pull that off?

To a certain extent, yes, it's about what level you're at, in terms of what value you bring to the date. Are you super sexy? Are you providing her an experience unlike anything she typically has with other men? If so, she will typically feel pressure to pay for the date to make up some of the value imbalance.

For me, it reached a point where if there is a clear value imbalance with a girl, and we don't have a great flirtation going on, and she doesn't offer to pay for my share, I will end the date after we've paid the bill. If there isn't much flirtation and she isn't respecting the value imbalance, it's a sign she'll be closed to escalation at that point. If there's a wonderful flirtation and she wants to go Dutch, that's fine. Or if there's a clear value imbalance and she pays my share, that's fine too. Otherwise, I know from enough experiences that investing any time in the date beyond the point where she doesn't correct the value imbalance is a bad use of time.

However, before that point, I suggest you just split the check most of the time, yes. Easier if you can split on items; e.g., you take her to a pizza bar and tell her, "I'll get the pizza if you'll get the beer." Or you take her to an ice cream shop and tell her, "I'll get the ice cream if you've got the beverages." When you split this way I find it's usually best for you to grab the more expensive item and let her get the less expensive item. Since you are the one suggesting the split, it's better for you to leave the cheaper part of the split to her. Splitting this way (on items, rather than splitting the bill in half or each person accounts for the things he/she ate/drank) is simpler, too, and girls tend to appreciate this.

As for my book... wow, that was ages ago, huh? Over five years ago you picked up a copy! Nice to see you still drop by from time to time. Yes, everything in there works the same as ever - that's the benefit of writing a book about principles rather than trends; you get something that ages a whole lot better.

I'll likely revise it at some point... But that would just be to expand on some sections, add a few more techniques or examples in here or there... That's about it. Overall I'm pretty happy with how HTMGC has stood up to time.

Chase

c.note11's picture

Hi Chase,

I had a date few days ago and girl asked in the middle of the conversation 'what's your plans for tonight?'. It was kind of weird as she stated earlier that she has to drive her mother somewhere. I have escalated quickly in the beginning on date and she kissed me before she left. Few hours after she sent me text message ' I had a great time. Thank you so much.'
Its been 3 days of radio silent since my last text message to ask her out again. Any suggestions to make her respond and be prepared to answer above question?

Author
Chase Amante's picture

C.Note-

Good standard response to 'plans' questions is, "I never plan more than 2 hours in advance," followed by a sly grin. Of course, adapt to the girl. If there's a strong sexual vibe, you might just want to pull her in, stare into her eyes, and purr out a, "Why... what do you think we should do?"

Or if it's not as sexual, but you're feeling bold, you can throw something at her. Like, "I plan to take you down to the seashore, find an abandoned stretch of the beach, and lay out on the sand on a towel with you." Even if she protests that no, she has plans, you can retort with, "Next time then," and you've seeded it in her head.

As for when girls aren't responding to texts, best bet, typically, is:

Chase

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