Your gut usually knows what the right thing to do on a date is.
The challenge for many guys is learning to be in tune with that gut
sense.
A few weeks ago, I found myself grabbing drinks with a girl I met on a dating app. She was pretty cute, a career girl through and through. While texting beforehand, she mentioned she had been working weekends and late nights, but she still made time to meet me on a Sunday evening after another 8-hour day in an 80-hour work week.
I arranged for her to meet me in my area at a lounge just a five-minute walk from my place.
I ran a great game over drinks. We were laughing and vibing at a high energy level the whole time; we talked about Fifty Shades of Grey and sex for a bit, I shared some adventurous stories, and we developed a passionate energy. Forty minutes into it, we got a second round of drinks and I started holding her hand. She was gripping back firmly, and we held hands periodically for twenty minutes. Effectively, she was complying and submitting, and I was firmly in control.
After an hour or so, I suggested we bounce and go grab a snack nearby. She agreed but also said she had to be at a friend’s house in an hour and a half; apparently there was some drama she wanted to clear up. We soon left the lounge holding hands and walking really close.
Comments
Looking Forward to the Next One!
I can definitely relate to this. While reading through this article I had a flashback to a time where a girl that I was seeing was inviting me over to another friend's house (another friend that I knew was into me but had a boyfriend).
I'm pretty sure a threesome was in the cards that night but I over analyzed and not only did it not happen, but I never even went over there like I should have. Oh well, live and learn I suppose :P
Hey Alexander,
Hey Alexander,
Definitely sounds like a threesome was something they were open to, or at least curious to set up the framework of. I've had tons of experiences like this, and I think every guy has. The missed opportunities are the ones we learn the most from, unfortunately - because they teach us to see the light and what that light is.
One thing I've realized in my own journey is to just say "yes" to a woman no matter what, as long as what I'm saying "yes" to falls within my own principles and boundaries. I have trained myself, which immense difficulty actually, to just trust in women and accept what the have to offer. By and large 95% of the time a woman's intentions are really great if she respects you and finds you attractive and trustworthy. So first I make a mental note of how she probably feels about me, and if it's GOOD or I have zero reason to doubt it being good, and what she's asking isn't making me weak, then I'll say yes.
Now, I'm not saying you should be a doormat either! Boundaries are sexy to women and they always test for that, too. So as men, we've gotta self evaluate and figure out where we draw our lines - and then stick to those. Say no when a boundary appears, and stick to it with conviction. Beyond that, feel free to say "yes" next time a girl invites you over to another friend's house ;).
Sounds like a good rule
Sounds like a pretty good rule to live by. Thanks!
Sexual tension balance; not escalating too much & second dates
Great article Varoon, the more experience I get the more I learn to trust my intuition. Intuitive game is the best and has always been my go to!
You mentioned the girl you were with didn't reply following your date, despite there being high levels of sexual tension. A theory I've been testing out recently is avoiding going in for the kiss if I know I can't close the deal on the same night but I always aim to keep the sexual tension high so I know I can close the deal on the next date. It's interesting that she didn't reply with the high levels of sexual tension I thought she would've been interested in a second date.
What are your thoughts on that? Did the sexual tension just pass a point where if you didn't do it that night, she would've auto-rejected. Though I don't see the reasoning for auto-rejection, since clearly there's a very sexual, fun vibe there. I'm thinking it's more to do with her expectations, where she was in life, other factors out of our control perhaps. I can see how it would be missed escalation window but usually girls who like you will text back. Would be interesting to hear your thoughts on this concept in general.
Cheers
Jason
Hey Jason,
Hey Jason,
Glad you enjoyed the article. Intuition is the shit!
You're spot on that the sexual tension passed the point where she would have auto-rejected, because after that point I looked like a weak man for NOT closing the deal. I went from being a strong Lover to a Provider, which was incongruent to her, and also not what she wanted.
So with this girl, I actually pumped her buying temperature all the way to sex and then failed to deliver on my promise. This girl worked 80 hour weeks and wasn't looking for a boyfriend type figure - she was looking for fast sex right there and then. By spiking the sexual tension and then not going for the close in that moment, I not only disappointed her - which is the WRONG frame to end a date - but I also switched my own frame from that of a lover to that of a provider. Thus, her attraction to me dropped there as well - because in that moment she wasn't looking for that. Finally, by not closing out the deal, I actually made myself look weak and inept, unable to lead her to sex when she was giving the obvious signs.
The girl was probably thinking "here I am and I'm ready to go, and you can't see it! I need someone that's more assertive and dominant and can bring me to his place and make me cum." Thus, she lost interest. I happen to live in a huge city where women have tons and tons of options with men, so it's easy for them to move on and find someone else who'll give them what they really want!
If you can't close on the same night, what you said might have some merit. However, I definitely could have closed on this night, I just didn't and fell for the trap that I didn't think I could. One mindset that's been incredibly useful for me since this experience is to always go for the kill. I treat my first dates - even my approaches - like that is the only time I'll see her, so I don't play safe anymore. If I'm going to lose a girl anyway, might as well see how far I can push it in that moment while still playing a strong game. If she likes me, she'll let me know if she thinks things are going to fast, and then I'll calibrate back.
If I were to do this date again, I would have said we're going to get crepes down the street, then walk right past my house and make some excuse about going upstairs to grab something, or that I want to show her something in my house real quick (an interesting book, something unique to me, etc). Some kind of plausible deniability.
Awesome, great analysis,
Awesome, great analysis, something I will keep in mind from now on as well!
Thanks,
Jason
So this girl on the date
So this girl on the date mentioned blocked off contact with you, simply because you didn't take her home for the sex?
Strange, women are really sex-lovin like that huh?
Women LOVE sex! If you're the
Women LOVE sex! If you're the "lover" in her eyes, she wants great sex. It's the only thing a woman can't get elsewhere except from a man who's her lover.
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