Be the Lightbringer: Dating and the Sublime Benefits of Positivity | Girls Chase

Be the Lightbringer: Dating and the Sublime Benefits of Positivity

Chase Amante

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Chase Amante's picture

dating positivity
Jadedness and cynicism can go hand-in-hand with the playboy lifestyle. But they don’t need to; it’s more effective to bring light.

Sometimes I encounter a funny problem with guys.

Their fundamentals are in good shape. They have reams of passive value and are all around attractive men, if you go by appearances.

And they’re great on the technical / social aspect of meeting women. Their game is tight, they move confidently through the seduction process, and they have great technique.

Yet they have this nagging issue where they consistently fail to get results they want.

Maybe they get laid, but not with the girls they want. Or they get the girls they want, but they won’t hang around. Or maybe they do everything right, they think, but women reject them far too much.

It’s bizarre, because everything looks good on paper with the guy. But he just isn’t doing all that great.

Then you get to know the guy a bit better and you figure it out: oh. He’s negative.

It’s just a little mindset difference. Negative vs. positive. Wouldn’t think it’d have much impact on your dating success, right? But it does – it has a large influence.

Today we’re going to examine why.

Comments

kristian's picture

Thank you for such an impactful article.

10's picture

This article is a game changer, Chase. I knew lot of things passively and was trying hard to put them in the practice, but right now I understand the concept much more. Thanks for your effort and all the best man!

Marlon Brando's picture

Hey Chase,

Awesome article and very inspiring. I'm interested in your thoughts in how this relates to being an edgy bad boy, and in your post on Byronic flaws you wrote how deep cynicism and jadedness were an attractive flaw, so how can balance be struck?

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Marlon-

That is a wonderful question!

Have you ever seen The Saint, with Val Kilmer? I like to refer guys to this film a lot for an idea of how everything I write about sort of comes together. More discussion of it / clip from it here:

But the basic gist is, you are the guy who believes in her and encourages her and eggs her on to great things, yet nevertheless has his own dark past or secretive side or semi-destructive habits (I mean, don't cultivate destructive habits if you don't have them, but if you do, you may use them here).

Jadedness/cynicism are an attractive flaw, but attractive the way my cynical friend discussed in this article makes them attractive. They more attract women who are jaded or cynical themselves, and lead to problematic relationships. So, whlie they can be leveraged, ideally you will find other attractive qualities to use that are as effective as these, but somewhat sunnier!

Chase

Anonymous 's picture

So this question has been nagging me for a while. Do you think it's possible to learn to fully leverage 'darkness' (by which I mean destroying, dominating or effectively ham-stringing) against men and women, without first being a jaded, cynical and dark man? Can I learn to... 'harness dark powers' (boy that sounded dramatic) while still remaining a light-bringer, even if I wasn't a dark power previously?

I've found that even as I've become a stronger, calmer, more socially dominant man, I've always felt lacking in my capability to destroy (or at least effectively brute-force my problems) when the situation calls for it.

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Anon-

Yes. Actually, in my opinion, the most dangerous dark side practioners are the ones who are really light side. i.e., they use the tactics purely from a functional perspective, and not because these dark powers just emanate out of them.

For instance, Alexander the Great was a guy who basically wanted to unite the entire world, but he used the sword to do it, and could out-nasty any opponent. As soon as a fight was over though he'd get everyone on the same page again as fast as he could, because he was at core a light side guy.

While I usually avoid giving guys dark side tech, there are articles on here that deal with using dark tech defensively to beat dark side attacks, like these:

I will say I think the best place to learn to be able to wield dark power is around dark power individuals. I had a couple of close dark power friends and a devoted dark power girlfriend for a number of years; I specifically sought them out because I knew they could do things I couldn't. I watched how they fought battles and learned.

The advisory warning, of course, is that when you play with dark power, you will get burned. And when you spend time around dark power people, sooner or later they will turn their power on you. Oftentimes they will do so repeatedly. Worth learning, in my opinion, though it isn't for the timid.

Chase

Anonymous's picture

Chase,

As ever, thank you for sharing. I'll be sure to keep one eye open while I learn these particular skill-sets.

Jack Mitchell's picture

Ahh Chase.. your understanding of social psychology is so much better than any sociology or psychology professor I ever had back in college.

I have seen hundreds of game articles about banishing needy thoughts to keep neediness from leaking out and killing attraction, but other than yours I don’t recall any about banishing negative thoughts to avoid negativity leaking out.

It seems there are two sides to this..

1. Free yourself from negative emotions and radiate warmth naturally (addressed here and Deep Diving).
2. For those of us leopards who can’t change our spots, at least learn how to keep from voicing negative or critical thoughts we may feel inside.

The old adage “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all” sounds simple but when a girl wants to know you better and starts asking your opinion on things it’s easy to let negative or judgmental statements slip and sour the interaction. Is there any chance you could write more on conversational tactics for dodging topics or questions riddled with landmines of negativity? I know you’ve touched on this in your writings about mirroring, thread cutting, reframing conversations, and answering questions like a politician, but anything more you can conjure up on the topic would be really helpful.

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Jack-

You will find if you are able to free yourself from enough negative emotions, your spots do change... somewhat. Not totally. You'll still have your default reactions, but you learn to mollify them somewhat / be skeptical of them, especially when they are overly negative.

One thing you can do with negative opinions is get good at twisting them into positive ones.

For instance, the first time I went to Tokyo, I had a few bad experiences and decided I didn't like Tokyo and everyone who liked Tokyo (which is almost everyone who goes there) was nuts. But I also knew this was an irrational reaction based on a few outlier experiences and I'd likely change my mind once I spent more time in the city. So instead of me complain about Tokyo to people when the city came up, I'd tell a funny story about something I didn't like ("Yeah, you know, everyone says Roppongi is great, but as soon as you walk through there you've got African guys following you around trying to you into every empty bar or strip club on the street, and you're getting accosted constantly by 40-year-old washed up hookers!") just to get my own negative emotion out, then I'd go into positive stuff I legitimately thought was positive about the city and the people.

The funny thing that happened was the more I discussed the city this way (one funny story about something I didn't like, and then a discussion of the positives of the place that I'd noticed), the more my opinion on the city changed, until it eventually became, "You know what? Tokyo's a pretty cool place." (and now I like Tokyo, of course; it's a wonderful town)

The article request for avoiding negative topics is noted down. I'll see what I can do.

Meantime, one other tactic is to do the "Oh, that's a terrible topic, I don't want to talk about that!" thing. 90% of the time, that's all you need. It looks like this:

Her: What's your opinion on [touchy political topic]?

You: I don't even want to talk about that. Who cares about that. I'm at the bar with a cute woman with blonde hair and a sexy dress, I'd rather talk about her. I mean unless you get Bill Maher down here with the cameras or something, then I'll talk about it.

Her: [laughs] Okay!

You: Okay, good. Where'd you get that [topic change]

Chase

Anonymous's picture

Ok, I'm a very positive person, but I'm sick of all this contradictory stuff about game. What happened to not placing the girl on a pedestal, her getting bored if she knows the end of the movie, and not outright letting her know you like her. And now you say girls like guys the more the guy likes them? What about all that stuff about them wanting a challenge, friendzoning any guys who like them, and liking guys who ignore or don't show interest in them, and how guys always seem to attract girls they aren't interested in? And what about a girl not seeing you as high status unless you imply that somehow she's not ideal for you, despite liking something about her? I'm tired off all this advice that directly contradicts itself.

Mr. Shark's picture

Hello,

The answer to your question is ... Balance is the key. With everything. If you dont show her you like her, she will not get those two thoughts about you pop up in her head in the evening (read: Invest in you = like you more later because of it). If you go to the other extreme and make her think she is the queen, all mighty star of everything, the goose is cooked of course.

You have to strike the right balance, which means calibrate to the particular girl. And you get that with enough reference points under your belt.

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Pardon the limitations of the English language. Or, perhaps, my use of it.

Don't place girls on pedestals, yes. Don't show her the end of the movie - don't let her know you've already made up your mind and you want her no matter what and your hers, etc. She will get bored.

However, you MUST show women you like them as people, respect them as friends, and the courtship is real. This is the crux of attainability. If she thinks you do not like her, she will dislike you back (auto-rejection), and you will have lost her.

Attainability is usually the hardest concept for guys to wrap their heads around. Think of it like Goldilocks: too much is bad, too little is bad. As Mr. Shark notes in the comment above, you want it just right. When it comes to 'liking', you want her to feel you like her as a person as much as possible; meanwhile, you want to keep her in suspense about exactly how much you like her as a prospective mate.

Chase

Tbe's picture

Chase, what do you do when having a discussion with a person and he gets angry, starts yelling and acting stubborn/petulant? I told my gamer friend that illegally downloading games affects developers profits and hurts small indie developers the most. He got angry and yelled that that was BS and that people download games they were never going to purchase in the first place. I kept trying to have a discussion but he would just continue his incredulity. His behavior was kind of dumb considering we were only having a minor discussion.

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Tbe-

Depends on the situation.

If it's random anger like your friend, often it's best to just go, "Wow, what set YOU off?"

He'll respond by telling you he's just pissed because you [whatever you did], at which point you'll respond with, "Yeah, I know. I mean, that was the TRIGGER. But the anger was way out of proportion. So I take it you were already in a foul mood and the whole software pirating thing was the last straw. What had you in such a sour mood already?"

Then he'll tell you what he's actually pissed about and you can separate it from the issue you were trying to discuss with him.

The other thing you can do, if you don't really care about the subject of the argument (like, you're probably not going to beat this guy up if he keeps pirating stuff, I reckon), is just to beg off it, while reinforcing the inappropriateness of the anger. Like, "Geez man, never mind. Forget it. But flipping out because someone said you shouldn't pirate shit is way out of proportion to what was being said. Learn how to discuss things with people without flipping your lid."

Chase

Sicyo's picture

Chase, why are some people so judgmental? My mom is light skin and im darker skin and shes in her 50s im in my 20s. Everytime I go out with my mom I see people staring at us and I see some laughing while looking at me. My brother, whos also dark skin, told me that hes noticed that too when he goes out with her. People think that we're a couple and we've been asked if we were one before. I find it funny that in our society many people consider themselves to be liberal yet they're inherently judgemental.

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Sicyo-

Yeah, it's no fun. People just are.

Judgmentalism serves a variety of social functions. It allows one to build up one's own sense of confidence and self-superiority (every time you think "Look at those fools!" what you're really thinking is "I am better than they are"), as well as to signal this to others (if you're laughing at someone, you're telling everyone who's watching that you are better and more powerful than that someone).

Judgmentalism can also be a way to compel people to do what you want, whether that's close family members, or others in your society.

It's a useful emotion, if not a particularly pleasant one, either for the judge or the judged.

Chase

DanStone's picture

"I used to be a darksider till I took an arrow in the knee"

Great article Chase. This site has changed my life. Thankyou from Wales

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