What is Masculinity? (or: Are You Man Enough) | Girls Chase

What is Masculinity? (or: Are You Man Enough)

Chase Amante

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Chase Amante's picture

masculinity
What is masculinity? Who defines it – who makes the rules? Is it intrinsic, or culturally determined? And is it even “real”?

Sometime back, I came across an intriguing double bind.

I found it in the comments section of some feminist website, on an article written by a man about his enjoyment of pegging (i.e., when a man lets a woman shag him with a strap-on). Some male commenter had insulted this writer, and called him less than a man.

But then, the feminist readers of the website piled onto this commenter. And they all had the same attack line for him:

“What’s the matter, are you not man enough to take it up the butt?”

It’s a fascinating rhetorical device. Either you agree to receptive anal sex, which has profound effects on the male psyche (anecdotally, men who receive anal sex become more feminine, moodier, and bitchier), effectively making you no longer a full ‘man’... Or you don’t agree to receptive anal sex, in which case you are ‘not man enough’.

This double bind got me thinking: what is masculinity, anyway? How do we define what is or isn’t masculine? Who in our society holds the right to craft these definitions, women or men? Is masculinity decided by the society, by the man, or by something else?

The answers will intrigue you, I think.

And don’t worry – in the end, we’ll address that feminist double bind attack too, and show how a firm concept of masculinity makes attacks like these run off you like water.

Comments

R's picture

Hey Chase first of all great article. I think you gave a perfect explanation for such an illusive and subjective idea of masculinity. However comments like "In inner city black American society, you’re not a man until you’ve done time in prison; this is not valued as a signal of masculinity in any other segment of American society, but is so here" kind of piss me off.

Black Americans, inner city or otherwise may be more accepting and forgiving of ex-convicts. Due police targeting them and most of the charges being non-violent drug offenses. However no one is actively rooting for, think it's manly or cool, or will give you shit for not going to jail. I think you may be referring to gang culture which extended way further beyond "Black America" and race in general but they still don't get any cool points for simply going to jail. You're only considered a man for what you do for the gang in those case. For example if your leader instructions you to murder, smuggle guns, sell drugs whatever and you do it then in gang culture you're considering more competent, ruthless, fearless ect thus more manly or gangster. Getting caught and going to jail is seen as being careless with the only positives that can come form it is not snitching and or taking the blame for someone else. Jail is a place of suffering and you only get cool points for barring your cross and going through it. It's not the goal, getting money, being feared, having women, luxury goods, "street soldiers" and other forms of status pieces is usually a the goal of gangsters. From the mob, to the Crips, to the cartels that's what they're aiming for.

Author
Chase Amante's picture

R-

Sorry to generalize ;)

I can only speak from my experience, and what I've heard as well. I spent a lot of time around inner city black men in a job I used to hold, and one of the first questions I'd get as soon as one of them wanted to question my masculinity was an incredulous "You ever been to prison?" coupled with a skeptical look. This'd often be followed with either suggestions of how I would not be able to surive in prison, or discussions of the time the guy himself had done. Never happened because anyone had been saying anything about prison; the topic always popped up out of the blue in a "questioning your masculinity" kind of context.

This was in the Philadelphia area though, so may be different where you're from. I have heard this said of other areas as well, however.

There's a Guardian article that discusses this as well, with regards to Los Angeles inner city culture (exact quote: "It was like a rite of passage. You needed to go to jail so you could have that badge of honour"). So at least L.A. and Philadelphia that has been the case (or maybe used to be; my experiences go back about 16 or 17 years, and the Guardian article talks about the past as well; might've changed since).

Chase

Jimbo's picture

The narrator from Goodfellas --which was based on a true story-- told of how he was given a sort of graduation party when he got out of the joint. And if I remember correctly one of the guys exclaimed that he became a man.

Going to jail is more respected in crime-ridden cultures than you might think.

player's picture

Man great article. Deep Stuff. i felt like reading Marcus Aurelius."Waste no more time arguing about what a good man should be. Be one."

Reason's picture

Chase,

Please use easier words,

Renounce instead of Eschew
Loyalty instead of Fealty
Challenge instead of Impugn
Insults instead of Invective

Thanks

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Reason-

I'll do my best.

Though different words have different meanings, and different weights. "Loyalty" is a lesser degree of the emotion it conveys than "fealty" is; "challenge" is somewhat friendly, while "impugn" is a grave offense; "insult" is bad, while "invective" is worse; "renounce" is to swear off (often verbally), while "eschew" is to avoid or do without (often non-verbally).

I guess that's the challenge. Easier to read but less nuanced writing, or more nuanced but higher reading level. Hemingway does still rate this one as Grade 6 overall, which is not ideal (ideal is Grade 4 or below), but still not too horrible ;)

Chase

Someguy's picture

Maybe in a perfect world you could do both. Kind of level the expected audience to 3 groups and have articles of 3 levels as well. General idea - Advanced - Pros.

So people who for whatever reason prefer less complexity get what they want in two dimensions at once: A "general idea" artcle will be in rather simple english. In a way that almost noone has to refer to a dictionary for unknown words.
A "Pros" article will make free use of whatever professionel terms the writer himself feels most comfortable with and will often require to look up something if you don`t happen to have similar education or background.

This would not just be about inttelligence, rather also about levels of investment. A new reader, flooded with strange concepts, provided from people he can not judge regarding credebility will very likely not be bothered to go so far as looking up unknown words. Me on the other hand enjoy this. Most concepts are at least a bit familiar from earlier articles and I have a good idea of the value that is to be expected. Also I tend to combine purposes, so wha not improve my English as a sideeffect.

:-)

Vermin's picture

Why in the hell would Chase/anyone write the exact same article 2 or 3 times? But in the other articles he would just use simpler words. What a waste of time that would be! It'd be hard enough being a writer and writing new material all the time but to waste even more time writing the same thing(just in different words), massive time sink.

Someguy's picture

That wouldn`t make sense of course. I meant that when he writes an article that explains a basic concept - new readers on the site would like look up first - he could slightly tone down the use of lesser known words.
On the other hand articles that are more advanced, will have another target audience and a more nuanced writing would very likely be appreciated by everyone.
I kind of rushed the last answer. Thanks for taking the time to reply.

Hector Castillo's picture

I remember this guy, I think. Was in a different article criticizing Chase's use of American slang, since he's British. I'm also assuming he's a big fan of Orwell's Politics and the English Language, which advocates using smaller words, more concise phrasings, and uncommon aphorisms.

Reason is obviously not writer, however. Non-academic writing is about conveying an idea clearly, yes,, but also about making said ideas entrancing. Be simple, but also have fun. This isn't some academic journal; it's education, marketing/SEO, and elegance/attractiveness all in one.

Apparently Reason understood these words enough to suggest synonyms, except, as Chase pointed out, there is a distinction between denotation and connotation. Except, even with one of your examples, Reason, the denotative definition was NOT the same. Loyalty =/= Fealty. Not only is fealty denotatively different than loyalty, it's connotatively distinct. Fealty is, obviously, loyalty towards a lord; there's an extra layer there. I can be loyal to someone lower than me, but I don't swear fealty to someone lower than me - it's a bottom-to-top form of loyalty. In the context that Chase used it, he was referring to women challenging men's "fealty" to rules. That connotation/denotation suggests that these women are challenging these men, because it's apparent that these men view rules are their master/lord, rather than than as guides, or the rules serving them. Submission to rules = submission to society = weakness, at least in this context.

And to get even more meta-social while we're at it, Chase perfectly demonstrates his character and power here in hs response. He's the king, but gracious (but he's not acting this way for the sake of appearing that way; he's genuinely like that as a person - powerful but kind. Which, of course, makes it even more powerful; law of least effort).

Annnnd that's all folks (*goes back to juggling or sleeping with chambermaids*)

Hector

Jehova's picture

Hi Chase,

I've been following you from the 2 years back, bought your product, apply and it's surprisingly work in my life. I have a girlfriend that I have deep feelings with and so do her. To sum it up, I'd really want to thank you for what you've done, to my self I always enjoy your article and I hope to see more from your content in this site. (I'd really enjoy them, you can say you are my role model now)

Also I have a question if you don't mind answering this. the reason I give the subject is Out of topic because yes it's a different topic with masculinity. I want to ask you what do you think about girl who have a 'gay' friend, plenty of male friends (or orbiter what you called it) and their impact in relationship. As for now my girlfriend is really submissive to me and I've made her follow for what I want which is limit the interaction between her friends. I've also read your article which the main point to prevent cheating is to give her the best sex, orgasm, be a man with rules, who can lead and so on. And I think I've got in there but I want to learn more from you.

If you in my position, what did you do or think when you see your girlfriend has a plenty of male friend in her chatting social media(even though she said she do it just for college stuff) have one 'gay' friend whos she know for a long time?

Before you answer I'd really want to say thank you again and please pardon my bad english if you spot one, I hope you can understand my message and question.

For your health and prosperity,
Jehova

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Jehova-

Thank you for the business, and I'm happy to have been able to make a difference! Sounds like you're doing really well.

Girls with lots of male friends are typically more easygoing, because they think more like men and understand men better than the girly girls who have entirely female friend groups. Now, the thing to remember is for 95% of guys, if he's friends with a girl, it's because he wants to shag her, and he also wouldn't continue to hang around unless he thought he had a chance to shag her. Which usually means she's flirty enough / gives him enough hints that he feels like he has a shot to do so. If she has 10 male friends, 1 or 2 of them might be totally platonic and view her as a sister with no sexual interest in her whatsoever; it's possible. But the other 8 or 9 all want to be in her.

What I look for with a girl with lots of male friends is a.) how much time to they spend either together or in contact, and b.) does she distance herself from these guys once we're together. I've had girlfriends who had more male friends than girlfriends going into the relationship, but over time they more or less dropped all these male friends (or the male friends saw them with me too much and gave up).

Not sure how long you and this girl have been together. If it's only a month or two, just stay relaxed, be the manliest guy she's ever met, give her lots of orgasms, have your mission you're pursuing, and odds are she'll get bored of flirting with all these less-manly men when she's got herself a REAL man in her relationship. At that point, these guys all sense her interest in them drying up and drift away.

The gay male friend is a potential red flag. Just something to pay attention to. Gay men are probably the biggest wild party animals out there, and if this friend is like that, he probably drags her along at least some of the time. Not every girl does crazy stuff at the gay club, but some of them do. I've had lots of gay men brag to me about getting drunk and shagging their 'fag hags' (girls who hang out with gay guys). Gay men are hedonists. They just like pleasure. If the guy's a top (i.e., the 'man' gay - the one doing the pitching), something to watch out for. If he's a bottom (i.e., the 'female' gay - the one doing the catching), you're probably okay and she likely just treats him as a girlfriend.

Personally, I view gay friends as just a weird wild card I'd rather not have to deal with in a girlfriend. But if she's an otherwise amazing catch, maybe it's worth taking the time to check the guy out and clear him as not a risk factor.

Chase

Sadeqh's picture

Hi chase!

Awesome article, though it had some sentences one would rather not read (like those stimulation things!), I had twe questions to ask;

Today I approached a cute energetic polite girl(she's 19 years old) and after I delivered the opener and talking a little she suggested us to walk..we sat in a cafe she qualified herself a lot to me and to even the investment I had to talk about things I do too. she was playful while we walked out because she said you are killing my time with a smile as we were walking back to depart she was saying kinda you are moving too fast and I explained myself of why I am this way and she used it to shame me and I were nowhere to fix it..which I am not proud of. We shaked hands and said goodbye. I do not know what to do now because she didn't respond to my ice break text message?
Should I let her go for a week?

2.there is this smart and super beautiful caring about me girl(18 years old)which came to date me once 4 weeks ago, after that she didn't respond my text back and after a week she texted me..everything was in control but when she said she had an accident and couldn't walk pretty well I empathized with her, I sounded a little needy in texting and she doesn't text me back anymore or calling me which she used to but now doesn't.
I left her a voicemail criticizing this not answering behavior and letting her know I wanted to meet up with her again plus 4text messages which she didn't answer to.
What's the best thing I could do?

Thank you, Sadeqh

Jake H.'s picture

Hey Chase,

Recently I’ve had 4 dates with a particularly conservative christian girl. Normally, I called her a day after the date to arrange the next one. Each time, she would not answer and then call me back about 2 hours later. About two days ago, after the 4th date ended, I didn’t want a cookie cutter approach and so messaged her a day later saying how I enjoyed my time with her and to wish her luck on her interviews the next two days. She then responded back to me:

“Hey I had a really great time with you too, thanks for a good time! :) Wish me luck on my interviews today and tomorrow and hope your week isn’t too crazy!”

I DIDN’T respond back to this (this was at 9 pm, and instead waited for today to call her)

Today I called her at around 6 pm, and didn’t get any response back from her. Do you see any reason for why she didn’t call back? Did she go into auto-rejection because I didn’t respond back to her text (I didn’t see a need to respond to it) or because I waited 2 days to call her instead of my normal routine of 1 day? Thanks Chase!

Alchemist's picture

"This is not to say there aren’t rule-based women... But even the most dedicated rule-based women, you will find, break their rules a whole lot more often than rule-based men do"

Incredible . . . I was just thinking about this EXACT concept in the shower a couple of days ago. Women tell me they have a rule of not kissing on the first date, or going home or dating men outside their social circle, but shortly after they break their rule with me. I consider women's statements as "time-based truths", so she may very well not kiss strangers, but 15 minutes later, it doesn't apply anymore because you're a different man and the rule is outdated. Of course we men aren't perfect at this, we get back together with exes (after making a rule not to), make impulsive decisions and even flake on dates or other obligations, but not nearly to the same degree as women do, not even close.

Felix's picture

This is a serious question. It's not that I haven't any idea, it's just that I never read or listened to an answer to a similar question

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Felix-

Why do people want to be people? Why not be a turnip sandwich?

Masculinity is an identity. There are certain roles and perks within society that come with that identity. If someone views himself in a certain identity, he feels entitled to enjoy those roles and perks.

Not every man wants to be masculine. Some men long to identify as women, and become transsexuals. These men, for whatever reason, desire the identity of a woman. They want to wear dresses and flout their body parts and act girly and delicate and flirtatious. They'd like to be able to talk with women about womanly things and be just another one of the girls, and they want to feel desired by men, taken care of, and protected. And vice versa for women who decide they want to identify as women.

There's even a woman who thinks she's a cat:

Generally speaking though, in human society, it is most beneficial for men to identify as men and women as women. There are always exceptions though (like transsexuals, or the cat woman).

Chase

Someguy's picture

Maskulinity is sexually attractive to women. Just consider what turns you on about women. Most of that are likely feminine attributes. Being sexually attractive widenes the mating opportunities and has a tendency to improve overall social status with additional nonsexual benefits.

Felix's picture

People don't see it in this way. They want to be inherently masculine/feminine/whatever.
Even when men adopt a "machiavellian" view they still come up with the concept of masculinity. They still need to consider themselves 'masculine' (or alpha or else). This goes beyond the reasons you wrote. Those are the evolutionary reasons.
For me this need to be a man is simply nonsense.
P.S. Sorry for my english, I'm not a native english speaker

Jimbo's picture

For example, masculinity in virtually every culture includes: (...)

You mentioned five points, but I'd add a couple others that also seem to be viewed as masculine pretty much everywhere:
- resource-acquisition / ownership (having/acquiring resources and owning stuff)
- authority

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