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Girls use double binds on their mates more often than you might
realize. But it isn’t always easy to defeat these – and lots of guys
try and fail.
It was a wild night. A girlfriend of mine came over after work and we had incredible sex – multiple hard sessions, one over 60 minutes – until early in the weekday morning. “That was sooooo amazing, I loved it!” she said as she fell asleep on me, spent and exhausted. The lights were on, and we didn’t even get up to brush our teeth.
The next morning, we went at it again, and after some cuddling I woke up and began to meditate as usual – my morning routine. My girl got up to shower and get ready as I did this. She had to leave for work before me, so I carried on with my meditation, taking time to achieve the right mind state, beginning what would later be an awesome, productive day.
As I was on the ground, my eyes closed, delving into the depths of my breathing and vision, I heard her come out rustling her clothes and jacket on. I could tell she was about to leave, but I wasn’t done meditating. She circled around me but I paid no attention. After a few minutes, she walked toward the door.
“I’m leaving! Kiss me!” She said aloud hoping to get my attention. She was already by the door. But I was still on the ground meditating.
Contents
4. Common Double Bind Situations
7. How NOT to Approach Double Binds
I wasn’t done, and she was interrupting me.
“I hate you!” she said aloud, noticing that I didn’t acknowledge her.
I opened my eyes and looked at her.
She said it again. “I HATE YOU!” She said this with a stern face as I looked at her still sitting on the ground.
I was coming out of my meditative state, and I gave her a blank look, holding eye contact. She frowned a little bit more and looked at me sternly, disappointingly, waiting for me to get up and see her out the door. I held my eye contact, and then turned my blank face into a devilish smile.
She abruptly broke her stern frame, transforming into a most subtle smile, then yelled out again, “I hate you…” more gently and calmly.
We paused, still holding eye contact. Then I blew her a kiss, smiling. She blew me a kiss, her face transformed into a huge smile. She grabbed the door handle, opened it, and left.
I was still sitting on the ground. I closed my eyes again and went right back to my meditation.
She texted me later in the day: “Sorry that I kind of messed up your meditation this morning,” followed by “Although I had a great night last night!”
I passed another Double Bind. One of many I’ve seen with this girl... and with others.
Comments
Varoon!
Hey, it's the interviewer from the podcasts with the sexy voice!
Have you done an article on sexy voice, warm voice, or speaking with clarity without shouting podcast or article?
Be fantastic!
Nice to see you're posting too bro!
Lawliet
Hey!
Thanks, man! Glad you like the voice, and some new podcasts should be coming soon.
I will consider doing an article on voice; I am still developing mine. What would you like to see?
VR
The Gray Area / Girls Inciting Drama
Very interesting read.
So basically to keep your girl both happy and desirous of you you have keep yourself in the gray area between giving her what she wants and doing whatever you want -- "I'll give you what you want, but because *I* want it!"
This reminds of something an Egyptian-born dude I worked with told me. He said they had a saying in the military that went, "When you get raped, take it consensually." I mean you get woken up at five in the rainy morning in the middle of the winter to go out and do some training in the mud with some dude yelling at you. A situation so crappy that if someone else did that to you outside of the barracks you'd kill him; but in the military, you'll comply, you'll get out of bed, put on your sweaters like a good boy, get out in the cold, get yelled at, jump, wallow in the mud while wondering how did you end up here -- there's just no way around it. So as a some sort of a psychological coping mechanism, you build some fake consent around it; you tell yourself "nah I wanted to do it anyway!" If they were gonna wake you up at 5 for example, you get up at 4.30.. because that's how you want it! So yeah, if you're gonna get raped take it with consent.
I know the situation with a girl isn't anywhere near that because, for one that thing, contrary to mandatory conscription you do have a choice. But yeah it just reminded me of that story.
Anyway, regarding this part:
... you're totally right, some girls do provoke these because they feel validated when you react to them the way they'd want you. Meaning it's not even because she genuinely wanted you to give her the thing she was explicitly asking you to. There was this girl on that forum who more or less admitted togetting her boyfriends to lash out at her or mistreat her just so that she can feel validated (whatever that means exactly). Though from other posts it appears that particular broad might have some self-esteem issues because of guys dumping her for hotter chicks.
The Gray Area / Girls Inciting Drama
"So basically to keep your girl both happy and desirous of you you have keep yourself in the gray area between giving her what she wants and doing whatever you want -- 'I'll give you what you want, but because *I* want it!'"
I would say that if you create wins for both parties in any situation, then whatever you have is inherently stronger. This applies both in relationship as well as in pick up and on dates. For example, you may find a girl attractive and want to fuck her, and if you can create a dynamic with her where she ALSO feels that way about you, her thinking "he's SUCH a sexy, cool guy! I wonder what he's like in bed...I bet he's damn good...I want that," then effectively both parties, the man and the woman, got what they want.
I don't think any situation where only one side is "winning" things is ever sustainable - the other party eventually feels regret, remorse, hate, or other emotions that don't move things forward together. Even if it's the girl constantly "winning" and the man supplicating, she'll just get bored and probably lash out.
----
" A girl may associate double binds with feeling love, attraction, and attention from a man. This happens to me a lot, and it happens to proportional to how much I reward her tests by giving her the emotion she seeks (...)
Ultimately, girls really want to feel different emotions in life, so providing too much of the same emotion will just cause boredom. “Drama” is sometimes a healthy thing – but never too much!
... you're totally right, some girls do provoke these because they feel validated when you react to them the way they'd want you. Meaning it's not even because she genuinely wanted you to give her the thing she was explicitly asking you to. There was this girl on that forum who more or less admitted togetting her boyfriends to lash out at her or mistreat her just so that she can feel validated (whatever that means exactly). Though from other posts it appears that particular broad might have some self-esteem issues because of guys dumping her for hotter chicks."
Yeah, this happens. I consider it bad behavior, so you don't want to reward bad behavior. Sometimes when I suspect this coming on with a girl I'm seeing, I will simply ignore her frame whenever she tries to do that, at least until she figures out it's not working and she's not being validated. Consequently, you always want to validate and reinforce GOOD behavior.
Girls just don't want to be bored. So even if everything is "perfect" to their vision, that too will become boring (too much of the same gets boring), and she'll create a situation to "mess it up" JUST so she can feel different emotions! I've even seen this in an aunt and uncle who've been married over 40 years in A very happy marriage - aunt likes to "mess things up" with my uncle in a very innocent and cute way, that doesn't actually harm the relationship dynamic. Thus, the key here is to provide women with variable emotions. This is exactly why a lot of women LOVE bad boys (even though they'll rarely admit it), because so many are amazing at providing "hot and cold" emotional dynamics with a woman.
On the money! Thanks for
On the money! Thanks for responding.
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