Her Ex-Boyfriend’s Still in the Picture: What to Do? | Girls Chase

Her Ex-Boyfriend’s Still in the Picture: What to Do?

Chase Amante

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Chase Amante's picture

A commenter on "Why Chasing Women Doesn’t Work" writes:

just over a two months ago i was intruduced to a girl by a couple i know, started off texting and getting to know each other. when we first met it was fantastic, got along great , we have met up every weekend since. As we have got to know each other a bit more and opened up to each other, she has a few issues with one of her ex partners who she left for stealing from her. (she was engaged to him )

she is in the process of talking to him again and getting her stuff back, but now i feel on the outer with her , hardly talks to me ect. i feel ive done somthing wrong i dunno, it all started great ,told each other how we feel , she stated she isnt ready for a relationship 'just yet', which i respect and kinda understand. I dont no if i should keep trying to talk to her or just give her a break and wait till she gets in touch with me .

Now, for this commenter's situation specifically of course, the problem's compounded by a lack of moving fast enough and attraction expiring. Those will cause the slow death of a potential relationship every time, ex-boyfriend or not.

her ex-boyfriend

But when her ex-boyfriend is in the picture, this is particularly exacerbated - because everything you have the might be good with her is less good, and everything that isn't the best gets worse.

Ex-boyfriends, in any way, shape, or form, are invariably bad news for any kind of relationship you want to get going with girls.

Comments

The-Tool's picture

Excellent Article Chase. Question. my current girlfriend before myself has only had 1 other boyfriend and she is 25 (she is the shy,inexperienced, and conservative, but beyond gorgeous mind you ;) ) And before we became offical her ex boyfriend started contacting her and talking to her online, he would always initiate. And she talks to him. He will even contact her at 3 A.M when he sees her online to start a convo and she convos back. Now we have been official for 2 months and she still talks to him. She even asked me "does it bother you that I talk to him?" to which I responded (laugh) "go ahead and talk to him, like he has a chance" to which she looked at me kissed me and said "true". Heres some info. Took him 4 months to sleep with her, and it took only 3 weeks for me so I got that well covered. Did I answere her question correctly. What exactly should I watch out for in this, I know you outlined it in the above article but I was wondering about other warning signs or things I should be worried about.

Thanks.

Cheers, The Tool

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Tool–

You may say I’m being oversensitive to social details here, but that’s sort of what happens to you after years of picking up and plunging your head deep into the world of social dynamics.

The normal advice when you get “tests” like this is to shrug it off. The past few years though, I’ve started thinking this is bad advice, and makes you look more like the “nice guy” who’s trying to squelch his own desires and be overly accommodating.

These days when you’re getting the, “Hey, does it bother you that…” my recommendation is to respond with a mildly humorous but weighty caveat. Like so:

Girl: Does it bother you that I talk to him?

You: Not unless you guys are planning secret raunchy sexual liaisons behind my back.

Said slightly tongue-in-cheek, you effectively disarm the “threat” of him as a sexual challenge by bringing out into the air the question she’s REALLY asking you – “Are you afraid I might cheat on you with him / leave you for him?” By showing you are relaxed enough about the situation to joke about it openly you tell her you don’t see the guy as a threat at all and understand exactly what she’s asking you, which kills a lot of the intrigue and allure for her (if there was any).

You’ll notice she kissed you after you said, “Like he has a chance,” which is a reassuring gesture – something she’d do with a man whose emotions she was taking care of, rather than one she saw as dominant over her in the relationship.

The main warning signs to look out for with this sort of thing are a withdrawing of emotions, a reduction in passion, and a more skeptical / dominant / rebellious attitude toward you. Generally, the more of this you see, the less she feels she “needs” you and the more she’s begun to question why she has to be with you or listen to you at all. It isn’t a sign that something is definitely happening (until it gets acute), but it is a sign you’re on the road there, once you begin seeing these things occurring more regularly.

Chase

The-Tool's picture

Thanks alot Chase, This Makes alot of sense. I apprecaite the feedback

Anonymous's picture

so I took the oputininty i had today and I almost didn't take the chance but I said to myself that if I don't take the oppurinty I might not get another one in the future.so of course I took it. welli deep dived on her so that when I asked her about prom eventually she would not think that it was a big deal for me.as the conversation progressed I found out that she was a pretty smart and intertimg girl.so the bell rang as we walked go to whgere we would go to oiut separate classes I asked her if wanted to go with me to prom and she said something about she was considering going with ex-boyfriend but she doesn't know.so to avoid her making a split decision right there(we both had class to go to)I told her to think about it and we parted ways.

now since I am a very busy guy I don't have time for thing that might not workout.my plan is going to be based on her desion.if she says yes then I would get her number and set up a date asap.if she says no I would ask her if she is single then I would say that relates to we might as well go out and see how this goes kind of thing. also since I don't know her ex if she says yes how should I react and if she says no how would I react to her possible just friends Reponse?

cheers,
anonk

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Anonk–

Normally, an “I don’t know, I [whatever],” is a polite brush off – it’s a way of her saying “no” while allowing you to save face. My response to an answer like this tends to be something like, “I understand. Well, I’m sure you’ll have a great time!” and then moving onto the next girl (I spent years leaving these windows open to see if girls giving these, “I don’t know… maybe…” responses would later come around, but they never do – she’s either interested or she isn’t).

At this point, it sounds like this girl isn’t interested enough to want to go out with you right now, so I’d suggest you focus on getting her interested – focus on getting some preselection going and run a jealousy plotline. After a little time passes and you’ve (hopefully) dialed up her interest, you can try asking her again.

Or, better yet - ask some other girls to prom instead... you might be surprised at who says yes!

Chase

Anonymous's picture

Chase I think I could argue the fact that every girl you do something with gives you an emotional "twing" I think it's more like the ones that you shared positive moments and what-not with, and some more than others ( in my case theres a girl thats been on my mind since forever) but I can also recall how theres some girls ive hooked up with that i barely remembered or girls that i had a relationship with which i dont really remember at all or dont remember positively

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Anon-

I can see how that'd be true - I suppose it depends how you view the women you share moments and relationships with.

In that light, perhaps we'd amend this post to "anyone you've been intimate or had a relationship in the past with that you've cared enough about to bother staying in contact with." There are a few occasions where you'll see someone totally reset emotions and not care in the slightest about a former lover or partner dating and sleeping with other people, but it's very rare and it takes a certain kind of person and a certain level of exposure to the former partner flirting with / dating lots of other people.

For all intents and purposes, it's safe to assume that if a girlfriend is in contact with an ex of hers in any way, she still has some feelings for him.

Chase

Anonymous's picture

Hi Chase,

Read through this article and the one about girls with current boyfriends. I'm with you on not selling your soul and going after a girl who is completely in love. But the question soon becomes- how do you know when a girl is totally in love with her boyfriend? Is there a forward way to ask (eg; "Listen, I am going to ask something. I need you to answer honestly. Are you completely in love with your boyfriend right now? I like you, (name), and I know you like me too.)

Can I assume the flirtatiousness and clear signs of interest mean that she is not? Maybe she's a tease? Or, ABOVE ALL OTHER DOUBTS ABOVE, is it best to just roll the dice, make that bold move like a kiss, and find out what happens next? Everything would become black and white then: either she we get together (and that love question is answered) or we don't see each other again.

Swimmer

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Swimmer-

Girls in love with their boyfriends won't flirt heavily, and their reservations around moving things forward with you will always be centered on their relationship. So you won't hear a protest like, "It's too fast for me!" Rather, you'll hear one like, "I can't - I love my boyfriend!" She'll also mention her boyfriend early and often - if she's really in love with him, he'll be a big, important part of her life, and she'll speak of him much and clearly hold him in high esteem.

Girls who aren't in love with their boyfriends conceal them from you or mention them only in passing, and if they do get to talking about them they'll either refer to them disdainfully or in a "he's a good little puppy" sort of way that makes it clear they're the dominant party in the relationship and they do whatever they want (including whatever they want with you).

Chase

Dale's picture

Very interesting, I've often been the ex-boyfriend she was still involved with. One time I was on the other side, I was the sexy one, but he had the money and she was a golddigger.

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Dale-

Yes - that's one of the big benefits of being the sexiest man of her life. You more or less have access to her whenever you want, pretty much for the rest of her life. At some point, moral questions enter in - where do you draw the line and risk disrupting this girl's latest serious relationship? I've had some really interesting conversations with guys who fall in the super-sexy category about this - it seems to mostly come down to the guy's own family background with relationships. If he came from a stable home, he won't touch girls in serious relationships because he doesn't want to ruin a "good thing" for her, but if he didn't, he doesn't see anything wrong with sleeping with an ex of his whether she's about to get married or already married or whatnot... she's still his, she'll always be his, even if she doesn't quite realize it. I think this is because the guy from a broken home assumes that all serious relationships break down at some point, so why deny her and himself their passions and desires for the sake of something that won't last anyway?

Gold diggers are a different animal altogether... they really have a different emotional view on relationships. Relationships are more about practical considerations than they are emotional ones - it's all about what she can get, rather than what she feels.

Chase

Nic's picture

Hey Chase,
My new friend is having trouble with chicks so I directed him to this site. He says its great but he searched around and couldn't find what he was looking for. So he wishes for a post on eliminating awkwardness. He is kinda of awkward with people in general( I get along with him well enough though) and wants to eliminate the bad vibes he gives people that make them uncomfortable and want to stay away. Anyway that would be awesome if you had the time to make a post like that for him.
Thanks,
Nick

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Nick-

I'll put it on the list. Meantime, a few posts that might be worth checking out for him:

Each of those deal with awkwardness in social situations in one way or another.

Chase

Anons's picture

Hey Chase,

So I've been with this girl for the past four months and things are going great. Last month her best friend (a guy) moved back to the same city. They'll hangout once or twice a week. Sometimes she let's me know and usually it only comes up if I ask her what she did last night. He does have a girlfriend that's 3hrs away that he doesnt see often.

This past weekend the 3 of us hung out at the bars and I noticed some strange things. As we were standing, she was arm and arm with him while at the same time holding my hand. She had her purse up to her should which she never does just to do this. I noticed and let let go of her hand. Then we decided to move inside and I took her hand. Walk us in. She said she needed to hold his hand so we don't lose him but the place wasn't packed. I let go of her hand again and could tell she was reaching for me. After awhile inside we decided to move back outside. Once again she held his hand while I was holding her hand and leading the way. I had to shake her hand off this time as she was trying to hold on. I felt really uncomfortable during this whole hand holding thing. She finally realized and was all over me for the rest of the night. When we dropped him off she got out of the car since she was driving and gave him the longest hug. Looking back at the night when we picked him up, she was pointing to something to pickup in the car and she called him babe. At dinner she was flirty with him and playfully stuffed this candy in his mouth because she thought it was funny. The night after I asked her what she was doing and she said she was having dinner with him.

I keep doing a reality check to make sure I'm not being insecure and I've shared this with my friends for feedback and they all agree it was strange and something to bring up with her. I don't think I'm being insecure so I'm checking with you.

What are you thoughts? Am I overreacting and should not say anything. If I do say something I dont want to come off jealous, insecure, not dominate, controlling etc. What should I actually say?
She did just found out that he's moving again out of state. Or am I making excuses again.

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Anons-

That's kind of a hard situation because you don't actually know to what extent she's gone with the guy or to what extent she thinks she might go. He could be a former lover, he could be a guy she has something going on with now, or he could just be some guy she's close with whom she enjoys flirting with and gets a rush out of knowing he finds her attractive.

This is a "red flag" behavior for me, simply because it means you're going to have to devote a lot of your time, emotion, and mental cycles paying rapt attention to every little thing she does and trying to interpret it and figure out what it all means. And unless you hire a P.I. to follow her around, you'll probably never know for sure what the whole deal is.

Tell this story to a girl, and you'll get girls saying, "Oh, come on - I'm the same way with my guy friends!" You'll also, if you have some very honest female friends, here a few, "I do this with my guy friends - and sometimes when we're both a little drunk we hook up, whether I have a boyfriend or not." But not all - some girls get off on taking things right up to the line but not going over - it makes them feel powerful, like they hold great sway over these men who are almost there with them, but don't quite get there (until a guy who knows what he's doing comes along... I talk about seducing one of these girls in "Walk the Line").

Regardless, there's always some element of sexual tension and attraction among close opposite sex friends (no point asking them about it though; they'll deny it all day long) - the bigger questions are how high are the friends' resistances to acting on that attraction and how often do they put themselves in situations where something can "just happen."

In my experience, the women who are very chummy with other men in front of their boyfriends are usually open to doing things with those men given the right circumstances. I've had girls who'd hold my hand and flirt with me in front of their boyfriends get drunk and start kissing me in front of their boyfriends (back when I was still running social circle game and not moving as fast).

It's really just not a good situation to be around. You'll never be able to be absolutely certain of a girl's fidelity in any relationship, no matter who she is - there are always things that can happen without you having the slightest idea of it. All you can really go for are likelihoods and chances.

As far as what to say... there's really nothing to say that does you any good. If something's going on, she'll be annoyed at you for bringing it up and not knowing your place. If nothing's going on, she'll be annoyed at you for being weak enough to think she prefers other men to you, and it might even suggest to her that she SHOULD prefer other men to you - if even YOU doubt your own staying power, why should SHE believe in it? Your actions need to serve you - you can start letting her see you flirt with other women in front of her, but then you risk turning things into a competition and having it really get ugly.

Really, you can't change a girl's behavior - she is the way she is the way she is. All you can do is watch it, gauge it, and decide if it's acceptable for you or not - and if you can accept it, you stay with her, and if you can't accept it, you find a different girl who's just as good as her but who behaves herself more in accord with what you're looking for in a mate.

Chase

Solvus's picture

Hi Chase, thanks for the article, it was very enlightening and hit home quite a lot.

I'm currently in a situation where-by my current girlfriend is best friends with her ex boyfriend of 8 years. They both play music together and meet up on a regular basis. She says there is no chance of them being together again, and that he has been her guide/guru and see's him more of a father figure. For latter part of their relationship I know they weren't having sex which lead to an amicable break-up but they have remained close partly due to what they invested in terms of music but mostly I think because of a inherent dependence on one another. Its true that if you ever bring up their relationship she turn's on you faster than you can imagine. I've been seeing my gf for almost 6 months now and while a do trust her fully, I know that she will never be able to relinquish the control that she allows her ex-bf to have on her. For that reason I think we will inevitably break-up, half so I can have some sense of dignity back and to be in a relationship that were both committed fully to, secondly just out of plain curiosity to find out what happens next with them! I do wish things could be different as she's an amazing girl, its just a shame that some people are unable to let go of the past! If you have any extra advice it would be greatly appreciated.
cheers

 Bob's picture

Am I a total dumnass for believing they are just friends?

FunkyMunky's picture

Hey Chase,

I have an interesting, tornado of a situation and I want to see if you can assess it. I never actually checked out these dating advice sites until this girl came into my life and gave me a head/heart ache. I'll give you a brief background about myself, as this girl really took me out of my norm. I'm a descent looking guy, fit and I have a stable well-off job. In my high-school and uni days, I was never really great with girls, because I lacked confidence. However, as I started building my "portfolio" with women, I became somewhat of a player (I would be seeing 2 - 3 girls at once) and I found that I was being chased (so I'm pretty good at picking-up/sealing the deal now)! However,  I realized I'm not really into that kind of life style, i wanted to find someone special and I wanted to stop hurting others.

Last summer I met this girl (call her Girl X) through sports, in the beginning I did not think much of her. Few weeks later I found out that she lived two doors down from my apartment and that is when we began talking (she moved back home soon after though). I also met her bf (when she was not around and not knowing they were going out) who lived in an apartment close by. He added me on social media, we exchanged numbers, etc., but I did not develop a relationship with the guy.

Me and the girl began texting everyday and we hung out once in while for lunch/dinner. I later found out that she had a bf or a bf she was on a "break" with, so I confronted her and asked her if she was still going out with the guy, and she said no. We hung out more and I began developing feelings for the girl, so I cut off all contact with the guy and deleted him from my life because I felt guilty. The issue was that they were fresh out of a break-up and she told me CLEARLY she was NOT READY. Furthermore, she made a point saying that she wanted to remain friends with him and they would talk/txt everyday. I guess this is where my ego complex came in and made me want this girl even more, lol. So I stupidly started investing more and more into this girl, we ended up hooking-up pretty quick, but I put so much of myself out there that I became very emotionally involved. And that's when shit started hitting the fan, we would be in a consistent tug of war of hooking up, enjoying each others company then her running away or me pushing her away resulting in not talking for a week or two weeks. I was seeing other girls during those breaks, but I couldn't get over this girl and EVERYTIME me and her met-up we would end up hooking-up. So the girl was getting the best of two worlds. The comfort, the support, the love from her ex-bf and the physical and sense of pursuit from me (I was used for sex, lol). We did this break-up get hook-up thing for about 3-4 months with her ex always in the picture, but I finally said I'm done and we stopped talking to each other for several months (they hung out at times, he went to her birthday, took her to dinners, etc. during the whole time I saw her). (the story continues)

So after I stopped talking to this girl I start doing my own thing, I was devastated, but once I got back on my feet I started seeing other girls and I dated these two wonderful girls. I wasn't ready and I told these girls I wasn't ready, so I was seeing them at the same time, and I was happy that I had my freedom to chase and I had girls on the side when I needed. 

This is when the story turns a 180 again. So side fact that I forgot to mention, I became very close friends with the guy friends of Girl-X. I find out through one of the new girls that I was seeing that Girl-X was checking up on me because she was asking if I was dating the new girl. I didn't think much of it as I thought she was still with her bf and I haven't seen her in months. But a couple of weeks later I go to this party and I see her there... We act normal, have light chit-chat and she tells me she has broken up with her bf for good now and she hasn't been with him for two months (so calculations they got back together for a month and broke off again). We end up at this club together as a group, but me and her ended up breaking off and being alone for the rest of the night. We don't end up going home together as I was scared of being hurt again.

She texts me a couple of days later and friendly me, starts talking to her again (light chit-chat), but I confronted her and was like hey Girl-X, I'm seeing other people right now and I want to make it work, so I just wanted to make it clear if we talk I just want to be just friends with you. Long-story short, we end up hooking up again lol. I don't know why, but I really like this girl gahhh. I was still seeing the other girls at the time, but I noticed myself pushing them further and further away for Girl-X. I confronted Girl-X and said I don't want drama again and she reassures me this time is different as she just doesn't care about her ex anymore. I asked her to take down some intimate photos of her and her ex and she ended up doing it after a small fight (I know it made me look insecure, but it bothered me).

So currently me and Girl-X are pretty good. I have been steadily making her invest more and more into me, but at times I feel like she is holding back. Also I have a feeling she still talks to her ex from time to time (that weasel made sure he dug himself into her friend circle). I see her liking his photos once in a while on social media, and him doing the same to her, I don't like to creep, but I see it (social media is the worst!). She says that he and her are over and he is ok with it, but I know from a guys perspective that he would take her back in a heart beat if he could (not to be vain but the guy is ugly, but he does have alot of family money, makes me feel poor lol)... BUTTT  Apart from that, there isn't any other red flags, which would make me hesitate in jumping into a relationship with this girl (sounds dumb I know haha). We both like each others company and we started holding hands and hanging out with her friends (don't hate I like holding hands!). I feel like this time is different from last summer and I feel like I should give her a shot. It's been a month and a half since we started seeing each other again and I want to ask her to be my girl. I told her my best girlfriend is coming to town and she was really up for meeting her.

I have never had a girlfriend before lol (lots of brocken relationships), and I do want to make it work with this girl. So do you think I should take the plunge and ask her to be my girl and give her a chance (I know I would have to live with some baggage) or should I just keep at where I am right now, hanging out, but keeping my emotions at arms length. Thanks Chase for reading, I know its helluv long, but this girl crushed my big ego once haha and I honestly don't know how to move on past the I'm seeing you and f***ing you phase of the relationship to something more lol

NYC Hops's picture

Hey Chase, thanks for the article.

I've been seeing this girl for about 2 months who is constantly contacting me to hangout with her. We have been seeing each other quite a bit and she slept over one weekend and stayed till the next evening. She came back on Sunday and spent 6 hours with me.

The problem is, she says she remains friends with all of her exes (which is true) but the problem is, the most recent ex has been contacting her (they broke up only 4 weeks back) and they have hung out a few times. She tells me whenever they hangout and when I tried to tell her that I don't want to be a rebound, she assured me that I'm not.

However, whenever I try to bring up the fact that I want to make it official, she says "I haven't decided yet." She hasn't told her ex about me because she said he is her best friend (they dated 3 years) and he will leave her life if he finds out, and that she doesn't know if me (who she's been seeing for 2 months) is worth sacrificing someone she dated 3 years.

She *said* she doesn't have feelings for the ex anymore but I have a hard time trusting her. I don't know what she wants as we act like a regular couple but she just doesn't want to call it that yet.

What should I do? I am already seeing other women on the side but she doesn't know this. Do I explicitly tell her that I will start seeing other women until she makes up her mind?

Anonymous's picture

I have a problem with my ex-girlfriend who has my child. I still love her dearly and she was the one that wanted to take some time off. Could this be that she lost interest in me? Is she planning to meet someone else? I live in a secluded town where her first love lives. Is it a sign that she may go back with him?
We were doing alright relationship wise before the baby, and after having the baby she has gotten more stressed and frustrated. It wouldn't take her long to get annoyed and it seemed like our intimacy towards each other lost its strength. We used to say I love you to each other but it seems more difficult for her to say it back. Am I losing her?
Please give some insight, I been stressing a lot more since the break happened.

Anonymous's picture

Find out what's bugging her. She won't admit it's her ex, though, so don't ask (it will raise red flags). Ask if there's something you could do better. She may throw a smokescreen but it may give a clue to what's bugging her. Before doing that, though - maybe she's just having that post-delivery depression, thinking you don't think she's pretty anymore after giving birth, so try to re-affirm her, that's she's still beautiful in your eyes and desirable. If that doesn't work, talk to her.

Anonymous's picture

Powerful article. Love it fully.

Quick Question.

I have a girl i am flirting with and went out with a couple of times, and made a move to kiss on the FIRST DATE, which she rejected.

She said it`s all too fast and she just came out of a 2.5 years relationship.

Now i still keep in touch via phone and facebook, but i am worried of the following.

I see her constantly adding or being added by Men on facebook, and she constantly likes pictures, statuses, songs and even comments sometimes.

There are a couple men she makes that all to often.

Now what does that tell you about this girl ?

I need a bit help on this one.

I really like her, but she had an accident with her now ex-boy, and i know they are both attached in some way.

I am going to use this article for further process, but i need a way out of this whole facebook situation.

I tried framing her, that i had once a girl that was mad at me for liking and commenting on other girls pictures, but i still see this girl doing those likes and comments on men on facebook.

Thanks.
Regards.

Anonymous's picture

If she's still talking to him, like this article said, she's still thinking about him, might "do the deed" with him again, has him as a backup/security blanket, will compare you to him, etc. If he's so bad to leave, she won't keep talking to him. That's what you say to a girl if you find out she's still got an ex hanging around. She will either stop and drop him and be devoted to you, or stop talking to you (and may go to him), but at least then you know she wasn't worth it, anyway, since she wasn't ready to commit to you. Ultamatums are great for this kind of thing - gets her thinking she might lose you and what she's doing is hurting you and re-asserts your relationship control - tell her she can't have her cake and eat it, too - a reverse on what a lot of girls say to guys that are chasing skirts while having a gf - she will be pissed but realize you are right and cut out being the hypocrite - since most girls say cheating is their pet peeve if their guy does it, but won't see the ex as her cheating til you call her out on it.

Anonymous's picture

Shane,

ive been dating this girl for about two months now, but have known her for over a year. We met in our place of business so the saying 'don't sh*t where you eat' applies, lol.

She has a long time male friend that she has known since about 12 years old or something (shes 20 now). I know him myself, again through work. shes always talking about him and and he recently got dumped by his girlfriend of 4 years so now they're really talking. she recently revealed to me that he and her have had a number of romantic moments and sexual tension (they traveled the globe together for work numerous times) but never pursued it. according to both of them, they have never touched each other or had and sexual contact.

then there is her ex-boyfriend whom she is still in contact with. a week after the first time we hooked up he was in town for a music festival and they spent the weekend together. this was before her and i began dating but still after we hooked up.

im wondering what your advice on the situation is Shane? she really likes me from what i can tell but it bothers me how infatuated she is with her friend and how she still talks to her ex.

maybe im jealous and over thinking this whole this and hes just a good old friend, but ive been screwed before so my senses have been heightened.

thanks in advance

-guy

Ruined man. 's picture

Thank a lot for this article, it's gold.

This website is excellent too, wish I had a resource like this 15 years ago, I wouldn't have wasted my youth away and become the mess I am today.

I'm in this situation now and have been before and I don't want to be in it but when you aren't a guy drowning with options, you take what you can get.

I'll keep what you have written in mind and try not to get attached, maybe I'll even have the strength to stop seeing my girl.

Thanks again.

T. Tony 's picture

Hi Chase! Thanks for the great job. I started dating this babe 3 months ago and she relocated with me in the state due to the job I got her. There's this particular ex of her she date for some months during her NYSC due to heartbrake by her boyfirend she dated for 10 years. Even as we live together she's still in touch with the recent guy she was dating before I met her. Of which I'm not happy with and confronted her but she keep saying she doesn't have anything to do with him and that she doesn't have intension to cheat on me. I couldn't take it at a point and I had to call the guy in question with her phone telling him to stop calling d babe. She was furious about this and that did not stop their conversation but rather gave her got to disrespect me. As I was leaving home this morning I wrote 2 short notes at the entranc efor her quoting one of ur points saying. 1. "I've nnever seen a lady committed to a man and still leave a special dial for her ex, you can dwell in ur past or working ur future but u just have to pick one" 2. Sorry to inform you, if I can't be your all in all, then there's no point. Pls do u think this act will make any difference, am I acting too fast and do u think I have a chance to claiming this babe forever without her looking else where. Pls help

the man's picture

WOW, what an intense article, I will add to this, few things, I will always remember ,what my mom used to say to me when I was a little kid, "You are a man, and there's nothing wrong with a man", and she repeated that so many times, now at 35, I just understood that. As men, we really underestimate ourselves, and idealize to the point of idolizing women. The fact is, they know that they are not perfect, so what's In it for you to know this fact , she has an ex boyfriend, and he's around, (big deal) , you should be always a better a man than he is, (easy) the way at one point she talked to you about his flaws(shouting, possessiveness of her, he was married, getting really insecure, hurting her verbally or physically) "that was the issue with my girl's ex, I picked the most immoral one "him being married", and nailed him with it, I screwed up her mind, say stuff indirectly, like you don't know , like I mentioned to her, that I have a red line, "married women", they are a total forbidden territory for me. (This way , I pointed out his flaws, showed the value that I have,"being a better man" , I screwed up her mind about him, it will be hell tell she will get back to him), I'm a good dancer, everyone says it, few salsa dance classes and i'm way ahead of so many guys on the dance floor ( that's how I picked her up,to begin with) , women, by nature, love competition, we were at a party last week, it was doll, at the beginning, then she opened her phone, and I saw her face changed, from not happy to really excited, (found out later, that he text her, that has quit his job and transferred to my town, from another country), (there's no coincidence in here, the guy want her back) when I saw her like that, I knew (gut feeling) I have to show her, that other women are interested in me, so beware, (and there) I did it, went to the dance floor , asked the dj, to put few of my favourite songs, and I was dancing with other women, like it's the last day in my life , a woman approached (I know she's kinda way hot than mine, but married) she said , " if I wasn't married, I'd have taken you home", I went back, after couple of songs, and made myself comfy, and said, to her exactly what the woman said, she asked which woman was it, I told her, she's probably married, so why should I be somebody's second opinion when I can be someone's first choice" (screwed her mind up, again, her joy,of him coming back just vanished) the sex since then is so amazing, even when she had a flue, and coughing, she's making love to me, she kisses like I'm the only man , says , how lucky she is to have me, ans how sexy I'm, (I'm a good looking guy, my measure is other gay guys, for one fact ,the would hit on a hot guy as we "straight men" would hit on a hot chick, and I have few girls who happens to be friends, who show their interests in me , so I'm good looking dancer) he ex stands no chance here, but I believe, their meeting is inevitable and so imminent, I know it would happen, so far nothing suspicious, I knew about him, on my own way, and they had pretty 7months of intense relationship, full of drama and he ditched her, (the guy is secure, he has a wife and doesn't need another one) simple as that , his disapproval of her, will always annoy her, since we met she initiated contact only once(his birthday) and he initiated it twice, and in both, she never ends the conversation, she just keep the last word for him, my guess she moved on, but the guy now, is back in the picture, to claim back what's his, and his doing it smartly and taking his time. She showed no interest in him ever since she met me 15months ago, I'm sure it's his male ego, wanting to dig back her pain, my only worry, that I she comes and tells me about him, which in my theory would tell me, she . Would pretty much want to include him in our life, and she stell cares about his feelings, if it's the way around , and she tells him about me first, it would show to me she cares more about me. (It's just a theory), I'm like everyone single man of you, we just can't stand the existence of another a man whom she had sex and feelings for not around her and especially not around us. (Call it male ego) , my advice, to you guys, be a better man than him, take her out, travel with her, create memories with her,(my suspicions started when I saw her keeping pictures of him and her on her new notepad"she bought it after 5months into our relationship") I decided to create a permanent mark of me, brought a digital photo frame, and loaded all our pictures together and the places we went to, if you moved in together, just do it, (mine refused to put our pictures on her FB wall) and i'm guessing it's out her care not hurt her ex, I say, let be , May the best man wins, if she gets back to that trash, I won't make it easy for either of them, I refuse to die without a fight, because (in her thoughts, that they might workout again, and it might be the same) , through, I've never and I will not show her, that I have insecurities about him, I will remain a man, and there's nothing wrong with me being a man. And always be a better man to myself first, and to her more than he will ever be.

I'm already involved's picture

You've done a pretty good job, I never thought of ex issue this way until that very incident I narrated. Thank God for my curiousity to search for a solution of which Chase's article has been of tremendous help.

After my research, I discovered that the issue is not perculiar to anyone. So I devised a solution strategies aand made her realize the guy is not a threat to me. We revisited the issue again and there were able to resolve the differencies.

My strategy is simply being her best man. First thing I did after reconciliation was that I opened line of coommunication to my ex that I've been avoiding because of her before and also for some neutral girl friends that wants me beyond a friend. She got jealous and felt she's about to loose me.

Secondly, I tried analyze her complains of me and decided to change as much as I could. Created more intimacy and call her often, we spend more time together, get her small but surprise gifts frequently including pop corn and coke on my way from to create a relaxation mood for romance. After a while we got back the passion and our sex life improved.

She along the line confessed she love everything about me. She said she was intending to go back to someone who gave up of her for another lady. I got to know that they actually didn't date for more than 3 months.

I think the best we could do as a MAN is to be of positive thought towards your partner. I just decided not to allow a third party to ruin our relationshi, she might be considering her ex due to certain differences btw him and you but it requires wisdom thayt u don't let that borther you.

Trully speaking, "how I see it's" strategy is what I just used and now am happy. You become a king when you show a woman that you have a choice and that u are an hot cake needed to be grapped or she lost you but don't overdo it. This is not done by boasting but strategically. Tell her about your ex and show her their pix especially if they are as pretty or more pretty thann she is. Then stop being d good boy by closing line of communication to your ex or prospect girl friend eesp in this kind of situation.

But above all, genuinely love your babe and let it be obvious in all ur reactions to her no matter what if you really love and care about her. Thanks to Chase and everybody that have contributed on dis forum. You've healed myu wounds and now I feeling so much loved, my babe can't do without holding inside and outside the house. Mind you, she's so pretty and many ppl thinks I don't deserve but this love spell works than magic

the man's picture

Sorry for the autocorrect errors, you are doing a good job, don't ever "ever" say that you are not good enough for her, look, women, see us as men , as perfect creatures, as just as we view them that way, she's pretty , hot etc, you are a man, act like one, I really felt sorry for the brother, whom his girl spend sometimes alone with her ex, NO, Never ever do that, share them that time, she's yours, until proven otherwise, to everyone,stuff you should do right now, is stop showing that you are insecure about him, JUST STOP,the moment you do that, you lost her to him, (back off now) , as far as you know, you are the one who is banging her in bed, act as that, the minute she given into sex, just bang her like a porn star, dirty, filthy, so many positions sex, she's comparing you to him, "be better a man,end of", at the same time , be outside the bed, as gentleman as you can be, something else, you should stop doing, "stop being needy" , text once or twice a day, call ok once or twice a day, don't over do it, she will notice that,again screw her mind, the most powerful organ in a woman is her mind, screw it up, create your own drama, they really feed on that, simple stuff, like ok, you slept with her let's say at her or your place, while she's sleeping, leave the bed , go sleep o n the sofa, do it several times, she will notice and might start a fight, act as it's normal, you just needed to sleep alone that night, I mean, create your own drama, nothing that would directly hurt her or be abusive, something that got to do with you, that involves her, screw her mind, and you will see the change, as for mine, this is,"since we met 15 month ago" the first weekened we had sex 3 times now, and she got orgasms at least 5times I know of, . And we went to this party tonight, she left on the dance floor, "she doesn't want any pain,like last weekend", she whispered to me, "I have cramps in my pelvic muscles", as I have screwed up her mind, and never showed her insecurities about any other man, she "in her thoughts" thinks, I'm the MAN, at this point, i care less if he even ever existed in her life, I'm the man she's under, and by now, every man, will be measured to me in her life, if it goes wrong, I will be the EX, the one she will never resists to sleep with or be friends with. "You are a man, and nothing is wrong with a man".

Anonymous1234's picture

Hey Chase, or anyone out there, would really appreciate some advice!

I'm in my final year of highschool and I've been dating this girl for the last 7 months. I'd definitely consider her a keeper thats for sure. We've got plans to go to the same University next year and everything. However theres a few problems unfortunately! The main one being her ex boyfriend.
My girlfriend has a bit of a history with guys screwing her over, and her last boyfriend was definitely the worst, she went out with him for about 18 months and she eventually broke it off with him after he started getting properly abusive (hit her a few times). He wasn't the first to get into bed with her, but she said that he was her 'first love' and her longest relationship by far. I'd probably say I fit into the 'nice' guy category, I don't try to be dominant, and I try to treat her really well, especially after the way other guys have treated her really badly. Well between breaking up with said Ex-bf and going out with me she had a break of about 4 months, and she said she was over him but apparently not. Shes had no contact with him for almost a year and he has a new gf who he is still with, but recently he called her and she answered. She was truthful and told me she had a long 2 hour phone call with him, but it just all seems a bit odd to me. He treated her so badly and yet she still wants to talk to him, and potentially become friends if he's willing. She said that she wants to talk to him as it will help "resolve her feelings, and bring her closure on their relationship, because they broke up on bad terms". Is this bull? Or is she behaving in an acceptable manner? I know that I feel pretty upset about it all, and when I told her that talking to her boyfriend would annoy me she just got really angry with me and said that I'm a control freak.
Thoughts and advice?

Cheers

Anonymoushelp's picture

Chase,

Quick question for you and I appreciate your article. I started to see someone that had been best friends with their ex-boyfriend before they dated. They had history together before and then dated and was in a relationship for about 15 months. He had met the children and still is a part of their lives today but as she describes only in a "friend" capacity. She had gone through some extensive surgeries during the 15 months and he was their for her. She was upfront and said this person was still part of her and her children's life just not in that capacity. Obviously this is someone I have great chemistry with but the fact that at one point she was intimate with him and he is still around regardless has some concern even if they were best friends from before they dated and had relationship. She mentioned that she broke it off however from a guys perspective it's never a mutual breakup and if he was let go and they are still friends what precludes him from trying to sabotage any of her future relationships for his gain? I would be curious to hear your perspective on this and how to approach. Not the jealous type but if you were to flip the scenario I can't think of ANY women that would be comfortable in the role reversal especially knowing that you were intimate with person at one time.

Anonymous (J)'s picture

Hello,

I met this girl on an online dating site as I am very busy. I contacted her and we hit it off pretty smooth from the beginning, she was messaging me and later texting me so we then went out. Everything was great. She had asked me to contact her again because she had a great time and that's exactly what I did. So she initiated constant phone calls (every night) and text messages came in on the daily along with pictures of herself (no not the freaky stuff). She has old school values and had only been in 1 relationship that lasted a year, 8 months prior to this (this is the only man she slept with, or so she says). She is 23 and I'm 27. A few weeks in, after trying to see her on numerous occasions, I resalize that she isn't taking the time or doesn't want to actually see me.... But she kept calling and webcamming relentlissly! Next thing I know, I get the "let's be friends first" speech. She didn't even give me a shot. Around this time, I checked her profile on facebook while we were camming (or else she deactivates it, this deactivation of her account came around the same time as her telling me to be friends), I knew she still spoke to her ex, so I snooped around, his profile picture is her and him together and he is "in a relationship". After confrontation, she swore that it wasn't her, that it was another girl who he was in a relationship with.... It's now two months since the first phone call and I've only seen her once, but she still called me every single day... (Friday nights, Saturday mornings, Saturday nights, you name it). We were finally supposed to see each other this friday night because I told her that I could no longer harbour this kind of relationship and she felt it was the time to see me again rather than lose me... Guess what, flakey as she was in the past, she booked a vacation during the week and guess when she's leaving, Thursdsay (today). What the hell have I gotten myself into? Yes gents, I am attached and was looking for a good and serious girl with good values. Normally you would tell me to just leave, and I probably should, but I don't understand how someone doesn't want to see someone else but would want to hear from them every single day... Is she back with her ex and have I become the plan B? The attention giver? The guy who picks up the ex's slack? Or is she telling me the truth, that they aren't together and nothing's happening between them? I haven't answered any texts or reached out to her since she told me she was going on her trip.Should I wish her bon voyage? Or should I learn how to take distance and ignore calls? (by the way, I'm very humble but I am much better looking than her ex boyfriend who had cheated on her on numerous occasions).Thanks in advance....

P.S. Great article Chase!

Anonymous's picture

Thanks for a good read, but I have to ask about my situation, since I didn't feel it was covered in the article.

Basically I met this girl last year, and at the time she had a boyfriend (I think they were togheter for about 4 years, it's been her only boyfriend). One night we got drunk and kissed, but we said it didn't mean anything and she told her boyfriend the next day. A couple of months passed and she broke up with her boyfriend, and we started sleeping with each other.

After about two months she tells me she has really bad conscience about the two of us, and told me she couldn't be with me. I interpreted it as she might have been ready for a relationship with me, if it wasn't for the whole kissing thing while she was with her ex. Now I wonder, is there anyway to get her (she knows how I feel, and I know she likes me too.)

Thank you,

Achillies's picture

I've had some really interesting conversations with guys who fall in the super-sexy category about this - it seems to mostly come down to the guy's own family background with relationships. If he came from a stable home, he won't touch girls in serious relationships because he doesn't want to ruin a "good thing" for her, but if he didn't, he doesn't see anything wrong with sleeping with an ex of his whether she's about to get married or already married or whatnot... she's still his, she'll always be his, even if she doesn't quite realize it. I think this is because the guy from a broken home assumes that all serious relationships break down at some point, so why deny her and himself their passions and desires for the sake of something that won't last anyway?

referring to the above comment.

I never support infidelity in true/serious relationships. But as you said a girl truly comited to her boyfriend wld never flirt heavly with other guys or show igns of interest .Question is it okay to game women who openly flirts with other guys even staying in a relationship.With setting clear expectations from the beginning.?I am not proud of it but still it boosts the confidence .I am pretty confused Please help

Jinx's picture

Hi Chase,

Nice article and responses to the various queries here. Very very insightful. I hope you can lend me some advice on what can I do in the situation I am in. I have been dating this girl from the last 9 months and we fell in love and got engaged last month. We are getting married in two weeks time. Yesterday, she pings me and tells me one of her ex boyfriends(she's had 6 prior to me) emails her apparently a long one and says he wants to keep in touch with her. So she asks me "is that good bad or bad bad." " I mean he sounds ok right now "" but is it OK to reconnect with him now? " I, am usually relaxed about such things and told her it's ok to reconnect as long as he doesn't bother you badly. Because there's been a lot to find history of her ex boyfriends troubling her a lot. And also I didn't want to be dominant and was pretty cool about this latest thing. I also joked around that if he tries to hit at you again he will get it from me. So she said ok.. I will see and if I feel he's getting crazy I will stop all contact with him. Coincidentally my ex also contacted me yesterday on office communicator and I am usually a person who doesn't speak to my ex girlfriends. But she is on my Facebook because I never bothered who's there and who's not there. It's not a big deal for me. So when I told my fiance that my ex also contacted me we got talking about it and I told her the ex gets crazy and I prefer to stay away from her. She was all ok initially and later on sent a message, a threatening one that our relationship after marriage will be one of I can meet any guy ex or not and you can do the same. And if we ever like anybody else we should be honest with each other and break off. I was flabbergasted as they where this came from. Then I called her and we talked for two long hours. I was the one who was supposed to be worried cuz she wanted to be in touch with her ex and I never ever talked to my ex except that she is on FB. But never talked. Instead my fiance took it out on me that I say bas things about my ex and still keep her on FB. Which means I enjoy her attention. Guys like attention. I had to hear a lot. I told her pleaded with her that it's just an FB profile it's got nothing to do with anything in real life. She wouldn't agree. When I asked her why did she want to be in touch with her ex she said since I was in touch with my ex so why can't she. Just being in FB is keeping in touch. I mean I haven't even spoken to my ex in years now. She's out of my life completely. Didn't bother about FB cuz it doesn't matter to me FB and it's been ages anyways since I logged in. But she wouldn't listen and say the same thing. She says it's her principle in life that she removes her ex boyfriends from every aspect of her life. And obviously my belief is different so we both are different. Let it be like that let's continue the am we are but nobody will stop the other from meeting exs and if we fall for someone else we'll be honest and break off. And not just this about 6 months back when we were still dating she went and even met one of her American ex boyfriends as he was in town with his new girlfriend and wanted to meet her. I don't understand this. On one hand she says it's her principle to take out exes from all aspects of life. On the other she goes and meets one too. And I, am a culprit for just having an ex on FB and not even talking r meeting. With two weeks to go for the wedding this threat of hers is really bothering me and killing me. I mean why should we marry on a assumption that we might fall for someone else? Can you suggest how can I handle this situation best.?

ROTHIRON's picture

my ex and I broke up on Christmas Day. we stopped talking for 3 months, then in April she contacted me and we start talking again, she made me aware that she had a boyfriend but soon after every time he went away we were having sex. She actually told me that I was bigger than her boyfriend and she love the way my hands felt on her. I even had sex with her while she was sexting her BF. That was the craziest! She would tell me to do things to her and then type it to him as he was doing it!
I became one of those ex boyfriends that hung around only because I knew we were having sex, but she wasn't telling her best girlfriends,It made me look crazy to her current boyfriend and everybody else that I was still hanging around.

We have stopped talking as of now. I really want to tell her current boyfriend that I was sleeping with her every time he went away. Should I?

ROTHIRON

Twisted's picture

Hi Chase, loved your comments re X Boyfriends hanging around, have been in a relationship like this for over a year, A terrible situation to be in, Mainly because of all the mind games ie friends of X joining in to it saying it was only jealoussy on my behalf, have said goodbye to her and her friends as well , feel much much better, it is strange how a person can have a lapse of common sence for over a year , Thanks again for being so straight to the point on the subject,

tonny nnimi's picture

Whats the meaning of your girlfriend admitting her ex boyfriend having been hotter than you, but she claims she loves you more.

Mitul's picture

Hey Chase.
First of all, I'd like to acknowledge that your articles help me immensely. I'm an on and off reader as I don't get much time but when I do, I always find something new to learn from you.You're the Buddha of dating!

My situation goes something like this.
I recently met a girl online and we hit it off immediately. She's pretty, smart, funny and most of all, she gets me. So, we had a few chats and then I asked her out. She agreed and we had an amazing time. Probably one of the best dates of my life so far.
Then the next day, I found out that she's still hanging out with her ex.
Now, I consider myself a pretty cool guy. I look good, I'm the frontman of a rock band, I workout consistently, so I have a great body too, so, I didn't see that guy as a threat.
But I guess I screwed up. We were having a chat(which she initiated) and she playfully said something she didn't like about my picture and I playfully replied that I don't say anything when she hangs out with her ex, so she can come to terms with my picture at least. She took it seriously and she got upset about how she'd been in a really long relationship with him and it's hard for her to quit talking to him but this relationship is not healthy for her, so, she really wants to move on. And she asked me help her.
I, of course, told her that she shouldn't date me if her ex is such a big deal for her and go out with her instead. I was letting her go but she got more upset about it, so, I changed the topic and then she went off to sleep.
Now, she really wants to go out with me. She immediately agreed for the second date and is excited for even more.
This is a girl I really like and she's told she likes me as well. But I don't want to get tangled up in a mess.
I'd be really grateful for your advice.
Thanks!

Cheers,
Mitul

Joseph woods's picture

Every girl has an ex boyfriend somewhere. I'm just glad you didn't suggest dating a woman with no exes! From my experience, if she's really into you, she won't bring up an ex, or acknowledge it. If she's not or lukewarm, she'll start dropping hints that he's nearby, and that's when you need to be planning to replace her, quickly. At the end of the day, it's all about actions. Traps like these are good reason to not fall in love and get your emotions involved.

Bruno Carvalheiro's picture

Hello,
First, very nice post.
I have a very complicated relationship with a girl that no matter what I cannot find answers for it. Let's say it was very unusual compared to what I've seen on the internet.

I've met this girl on 31/11/16. We slept together in the first night. After that we kept seeing each other almost every weekend. She is 24 and she has a 3 years old daughter. I am in an exchange program, so I am foreign and she is local. Our relationship was like a part time relationship. She works a lot and she has the kid to look after, so we only could see each other when she did not have the kid with her. I really started to like her, even though I did not want to fall in love with anyone. I wanted to mess around and **** as many girls as I could. Anyway, She was with me and I always felt that she was with one foot in one foot out. But I never cared about that because I really liked her and I was busy studying. Months passed, she started to get a bit intense saying the she really liked me and she wanted me to move to her country permanently. But I had still not met her daughter nor have we started seeing each other more often. In April, she told me she was going camping with her best friend. She went there for the weekend, but she didn't say bye or confirmed that she was going there to my. She messaged me saying that she was having bad reception and she just talked to me again when she came back. She asked me to come over and then broke up with me for no reason. That was alright I was really sad. But I got over it after a month. Then she started messaging me again asked me to come hang out with her. We got back together and I felt that she's had changed. I started to see her more, met her daughter, met her family and friends for the first time near June. In August after she suggested I moved into her house. We started living together and it was alright but I still had that feeling that she was not 100% committed. In October, I went through her iPad and found she talking about a guy and that she was in love with him to her best girlfriend. This conversation was back in March. But I could not find any conversations with that guy. When she came home after work I asked her to see her phone. And I found a couple of messages from the same guy. And that guy was her ex. ( We were talking about getting married weeks after so I could stay in the country with her and live my life with her). Well, it turns out that she was talking to the guy since February when she messaged him asking to get in touch. And in the 23rd of October she had a 40 min conversation on the phone with the guy. The guy did not know I was with her neither did I know she was talking to him. Anyways, she said that they were just friends and they just used to talk sometimes because he has many problems. I could see anything because she had deleted. From both of her devices. We have had a massive fight, I was going to leave her. She cried and said I was the love of her life. As I was living with her it was a very difficult situation. But the guy don't live in the same city. I asked her if she was seeing him and she promised she has never seen him in like years.
But I was very confused, I asked her to delete everything that had that guy on. She had a box full of pictures and stuff I asked her to get rid of it. I asked her to not talk to him anymore whatsoever. But I was still confused as I could not see the messages and the extent to what they were involved. But I knew there was something wrong as she had deleted all the messages constantly to hide from me. Besides, she always called him from work or when I'm not home.

She managed to recover his messages on her ipad. but it had huge missing gaps. She said that was it. And she did not know why there was those gaps. I asked her to spot lying to me and tell me everything. She was like there nothing more to tell. We are just friends, and I don't know why I still talking to him. I wanted to stop that why I deleted the messages.

We tried to recover the messages on my computer but it was unsuccessful. After two weeks I was playing with some software to recover messages and I had a backup of her phone on my computer. Then I manged to recover everything. It turns out that the day she said she was camping she traveled to him city to see him. And then when she got back she broke up with me. She asked him to get in touch again in February. They were having 3 hours conversations on the phone since that time until April when she went to see him. She lied to me and to her family so her mom would watch her daughter so she could see him. After April the guy seemed to not want anything serious with her she was pissed at with. And after one phone call they had, she went to talk to me in the next day. They were still talking a lot on the phone and by messages, but not as much.

So what happened was she kept me as a back up this whole time. When she felt like the guy wanted to be with her she dumped me. Then, the guy didn't want to be with her anymore. Then she came back to me. But she's had involved to much with me, she pushed too far. And her little daughter loves me now.

I don't know what is wrong with her. She says that I'm the love of her life still. And she did almost everything that I ask her to.

But this guy still messaging her, even though she is not answering him now. He tried to call her the other day and left a message asking to her call him back.

Now the situation it's very messed up. And I just don't know what to do anymore. I still believe that she loves him. But doesn't let me go. And she doesn't admit that she loves him at all.

By the way the guy was her boyfriend when she was 16 until 20. He is not the father of her daughter.

My issue is that she would still be doing this and waiting for him if I haven't asked her to stop talking to him. This is just not fair with me. And after all the lies and things that she has done to hide I believe she is capable of doing this consciously and use me. However, I can prove whether she is doing or not. I just want to figure this out, it's just making me crazy.

Sorry for the long text. If you guys need more details let me know. Any help is welcome.

joelc's picture

The topic becomes more difficult when the girl hides her communications with the ex and convinces you that you are safe from him returning. My girl convinced me of this. She had left me for him several months ago but regretted doing so and came back to me. We spent the month together and she assured me that she loved me and that we were together. But I noticed his name on her phone log with recent logs. I also saw her texting him at the theater. I figured that it would not be a good idea to press her about it. On my last day with her, she was unusually bitchy and grew annoyed with my presence. A later call to her resulted in her hanging up on me about dinner that night. I never saw her again after that day. She had left town for a funeral and was distraught with family issues. On Monday, she had a doctor's appointment in the afternoon. She started ignoring my calls when I thought that she would be home. Out of curiosity, I rode past her house. The ex was back and spent the evening with her. She ignored my text asking if they were back together. This was an obviously stupid question. A phone text war began ending with me unfriending her on Facebook. She was absolutely disdainful about it. My point was that she blatantly lied to me about her involvement with him and tried to make me into the bad guy for complaining about it. She started to paint me as unstable and predatory and is spreading rumors. But, I am thankful that it is over with her.

J's picture

It really just comes down to your own boundaries. I dont like to date women with an ex in the picture. I'll fuck girls with an ex, but I wont consider dating one. If you just want to fuck around and hook up, then go for it. But if you're looking for more than just a fuck buddy, don't go for the girls with an ex. Let her know that once the ex is out of the picture to give you a call and then go no contact and ignore whatever irrational bs she texts you after you dump her.

swordfish's picture

So this is what happened. I started dating this girl one year ago. She is 30, I am 35. At the beginning, it was exciting, she was classy, elegant, fun, spicy, etc. In the first months we had great sex and she was seeing the whole thing as fuck buddies kind of thing but I somehow pushed it for more. At some point we were seeing each other almost every day, and also some shit started to appear. Sometimes she was acting narcissistic, selfish, arrogant, looking me down without no reason, etc. Eventually, after some months, I discover that she was not over her ex. They were together for 3 years but they were still meeting from time to time, but by the time I discover that, she told me this kind things only happened “at the beginning of the relationship”. In that time, she was pretty much happy and attached to me, so I thought, “well, even if it was not only at the beginning, whatever, she is with me now. Maybe she is lying but she still wants to save the situation with me and she probably thinks this thing with the ex is now finished”.

And therefore for the next months everything was super fine, we traveled together, we spend a lot of time together, etc. However, the ex appeared again (probably he was not never completely out of the equation), and after one month or two she decided to go with him and finish with me. She said she didn’t mean to play but that she has to see how would it be with that guy after all. That with me she feels alive, passionate and romantic but that don’t have a clear future ahead. That was around one month ago. Obviously I was devastated and acting needy for some weeks, but nevertheless we are still seeing each other mostly to have sex, going to dinner, concerts, etc. Even if I was stupidly after her, she felt for it. We kind of drive each other crazy. So, if she decided for the other guy (who maybe played it all good without being needy, makes her think about the old good times, gives her some kind of safety feeling, etc), why is she still fall to have sex with me? What should I do? I would like to have her back? Of course. I think she is still more attached to me physically and emotionally. So, why would she choose this other guy? And why she still wants me on her bed?

hosein's picture

hi chase.I amazed again that I see you're doing this perfect and covering everything that's needed. I'm really glad I found this site, everything has been easier since in my seductions and relationships! I wanted to ask you to write article about friendships too. there's some problems I have and don't know what to do, that's everyfriend I like and enjoy hanging out with has some other friends(i.e. orbiters) that I can't get rid of! they make hanging out with those friends not so enjoyable. I have tried befriending them and I did but I simply can't tolerate them cause of some traits they have. so I'm stuck here with this, wanted to know your opinion and advice.

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