How to Prevent Sex Regret from Women You Sleep With | Girls Chase

How to Prevent Sex Regret from Women You Sleep With

Chase Amante

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Chase Amante's picture

regret sexSomething that's been a hot topic on the discussion boards lately has been the subject of buyer's remorse and sex regret, and also more generally women just acting weird after sex happens fast.

As you push the boundaries of what you can achieve with women and seduction, you'll find your time-to-bed reduces rather dramatically, especially once you internalize the concepts of "move faster" and "always be moving forward." What happens as time-to-bed falls, however, is that women's perceptions of you change, and their response to sex with you changes, too.

Whereas had you previously only experienced sleeping with women you'd had prolonged courtships with, and had thus only been sleeping with the women who were most interested in you and with whom you'd already established a deep emotional bond, as you move faster and faster you'll sleep with more and more women who only had a passing interest in you, who didn't develop much of a bond with you, or who even might have slept with you on a whim, but regretted it later.

This introduces a whole lot of variability in the reactions, at least until you get certain things down.

In this article, I'm going to cover why you see everything from sex regret to vanishing women to women trying to regain their celibacy and, hence, sexual power with you after the fact, and how to deal with these various situations to make women feel better, happier, and more comfortable about having shared a wonderful night with you.

Comments

Anonymous's picture

hi chase, yet another great article. I've been reading posts on you site for a long time now. I've read at least 90% of the posts you've made. I just want to know, and i'm sure a lot of your other students would lik to know; if you have an estimate on the time frame you'll need for the upcoming, heavily anticipated, "how to be cool" post? I understand it will take a while, I just want to know if you know how long we might be waiting. if you have the time let me know, thanks.

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Anon-

Really can't say. Unfortunately, this kind of article writing really isn't an on-demand type thing. With as much writing as I do, unless I'm feeling a topic and want to tackle it, it turns into a long hard slog to get through an article on something and often gets left by the wayside.

It could be something I decide I want to write next week; might be something I won't touch for months. Might be something where at some point I stumble upon a really fascinating piece of research that fits with whatever I was going to write and it makes me excited about writing it and I sit down and bang it out.

That's the creative process... it's rather anathema to too much structure or predictability, it turns out.

Chase

Danny's picture

Dear Chase,

This post is another enlightenment post. This article basically cover the same thing as the book "Mystery Method" by Mystery in the Buyer's Remorse section. The only difference is that you are wayyyy more in depth. You provide wayyyy more details than him.

I want to ask you one question: you said women are less inclined in monogamy than men and this piece of info really suprise me. Is there proof on this statement? Can you give us some reference in scientific study?

Don't get me wrong, I am not trying to attack you. In fact, I am your your fan who even bought your ebook. I mean, I am not suprise when u said women want sex more than men do. That's because there is already scientific facts prove that already. But women are "less inclined in monogamy", this I need to see proofs/facts/scientific articles before i can completely believe in you.

Thanks Chase

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Danny-

It contrasts with the traditional view in evolutionary psychology (and with what I used to think, too), but some new research is showing up lending some credence to this view.

The New York Times article "Unexcited? There May Be a Pill for That" collects a lot of that research, with findings that women lose sexual interest in their partners in monogamous relationships at a relatively steep rate on average, while males' sexual interest remains consistently higher.

Combined with the research on fertile women behaving much more sexually aggressively with attractive males, especially when they're coupled with mates they're not much sexually interested in anymore (I discussed that research here: "What's the Best Way to Pick Up Girls? Get the Ones Looking for You"), and you've got a recipe for women being less well suited to long-term monogamy than men are.

Judging by the divorce statistics in the West - 7 out of 10 marriages ended by women - this seems to be borne out quite convincingly in how relationships end. Anecdotally, I'd tell you it seems like a lot more than 7 out of 10 non-marriage relationships are ended by the woman, too, although there's the compounding factor there for women trying to find a stable long-term mate who will commit, and not all men can cut it in that role before the 2 year drop.

Chase

Nick's picture

Hey Chase,
How come women are less monogamous than men when they usually push for relationships?Is it because they have more options than most men, still get hit on throughout relationships, and are less romantic?

Does this mean that a lot of women are fine with open relationships?

Also why will a girl be monogamous with an experienced man while he is not?

Also why are men more monogamous, they used to be push for marriage a ton in early 1900's but it should change now right. Getting married seems scary nowadays, look at all the men who get kicked out of their houses that they payed for completely, at least that is what I hear.

Another question, why are most divorces geared toward helping women and taking everything from men, custody of children, assets, alimony, etc. Is it because most women are stay at home moms, and so you just have to accept as a man that women trade their time to raise your kids so you can keep building yourself up as a valuable member of society( you can usually pick yourself up financially, while she can't unless she gets another man). But why cuatody of kids always for women? Your thoughts on this?

Nick

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Nick-

See the comment above yours for the research and background on women being less well suited to monogamy.

If I had to guess, I'd say that most men kill women's sex drives themselves over long-term monogamy. Women simply aren't attracted to men they've "got", and the longer a monogamous relationship slogs on, the more settled most men become and the less of a challenge they are. They become less interesting, less mysterious, less sexy, and less sexually exciting. Eventually women mostly just lose interest in the majority of men.

Women push for relationships because they're on a schedule. You'll hear women tell you they don't want to "waste time" a lot sooner than men will talk like this (many men NEVER talk like this). A man has all the time in the world... he can still make women pregnant when he's 85. If a woman hasn't found the man she's going to snag and settle down to make babies with by her mid-30s, it probably doesn't happen, and that includes ALL the men she goes through before that - so even if she's 26, she still is a lot more likely than a man is to not want to waste time, because she doesn't want to be in her early 30s still making the rounds on the dating market, watching as her prospects fall a little bit more in overall quality every year.

Most men are monogamous because women hold the cards in sex and relationships. We have sexual liberation, but sexual liberation is actually best for women and for top caliber men. Women want to chase after, pursue, have drama with, and otherwise be with the top percentage of men. The top percentage men see no reason to pick one or settle down until they're good and ready, and any woman who can wants to jostle for the chance to be the one that top caliber guy picks. Many women will wait until later in life to marry these days because they're trying to snag a top guy; if they can't, they then decide to settle for one of the lower level men who's chasing after them, but ONLY if that guy is willing to do things on their terms. Thus, you have dating inequality: top men > attractive women > regular men, and there are fewer at every level, creating chasing and demand. Very few top men, so they get their pick of the litter among attractive women, and have lots of attractive women competing for them. Not so attractive women compared to regular guys, so they get their pick of the litter among the regular guys, should they fail to net a top guy. The top guy doesn't really have to offer an attractive women much (or anything) to secure her commitment; but the average guy has to give her whatever she wants, because if he won't play ball, there are 10 more average guys in line who will.

That's also why if you're a top caliber man in attractiveness to women they will tolerate things with you that they NEVER would with a normal/regular guy... because they don't have a choice. If they don't tolerate it, they can walk away, and go back to dating regular guys again. Top caliber men are so rare that most women will only date 1 or 2 in a lifetime - meeting a top guy for most girls is like hitting a jackpot. By "top" of course I mean a guy that a woman ends up with and says, "Oh my God, this is my DREAM man. I had no idea a man could be THIS perfect."

Divorce law comes from a time in the West when women did not work and would be socially ostracized if cast out by their husbands. They would lose all social value, be unwanted, be poor, and be likely to die as lonely spinsters all on their own. Divorced women had it very hard before divorce became common and lost its social stigma in the West. These days, the social consequences of divorce have disappeared as it's become so commonplace, and women are now working and frequently earning as much or more than men. But the law has not caught up.

Women are also much better at playing the "suffering victim" card, despite being the ones who normally initiate divorce, and most men are too blockheaded to end things with their wives amicably or to fight back against the victim card by going on the legal offensive. It's almost impossible to win on the defense, and that's where most men play.

Custody of children goes to women because women are the more nurturing and supportive parents. A two-parent household produces the best-adjusted children, but if the two parents are splitting up, it's probably best for most children to end up with the mother.

Chase

Anonymous's picture

Hello,

I slept with a girl 3 days ago and she started to be cold afterwards. I confronted her with this behaviour and she she told me it was a mistake to sleep with me. When I asked her why, she did not want to tell me, but I convinced her, she told me "You are nobody. I can't believe I slept with a loser like you". And I am not mad, because it is true in some ways.

In some other articles, you guys say chicks dig status. And that we should not do ladder climbing (I think this was the term). Now correct me here, but does it mean, dont climb over others? To ge to the top over others, putting them down and such?
In a lot of movies, there is this kid (a loser at start) who starts doing something cool, something nobody else does and people talk about him. I mean, is this solution? If I am a loser, what should I really do? I love to play ice hockey, I stopped 6 years ago and people are surprised when I tell them I used to play, because I am skinny nerd. Should I join school team to be visible because of this sport? Does it mean that if I do hockey, karate, play guitar, work out and draw (right now only thing I am good at) people will see me as incredible person and my status will go up? Thing is, I am 22, so I guess I need great job, even tho in our country we are at university to the age of 25. But this brings me to another question. Should I do something others are not doing just for sake of me being the only one doing it? I guess answer is yes, but only if I enjoy the thing.

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Anon-

That's right, you can improve your intrinsic value to women, primarily by improving your fundamentals. I say don't climb the social ladder because it's incredibly inefficient, not to mention petty - all ladder climbing does for you is maybe get you a temporary marginal status boost within a certain circle.

Improve your fundamentals dramatically though, and you get an automatic status boost wherever you go.

For instance, take one guy who's not very cool and kind of a douche but he's constantly trying to throw people under the bus to ladder climb up over them socially. Now take another man who's worked hard on his fundamentals to become attractive, powerful, sexual, cool, and suave, and doesn't need to go around using other people as rungs, and introduce him to the former guy's social circle. After a month in that circle together, who do you think is regarded by everyone in the circle as higher status - Mr. Uncool Ladder Climber, or the powerful guy everybody likes? Focus on ladder climbing and you've focused your attentions on the wrong arena.

On improving fundamentals, see this article for a good overview of what these are: How to Attract Women: The Guide.

Getting a skill: yes, these CAN help, but skills are generally only attractive when you've mastered them, and when you see them. I train in martial arts, and while my martial arts instructors are very, very good at beating the stuffing out of people with a few swift kicks and punches, they don't usually have the most attractive mates. Maybe if a lot of pretty girls went to martial arts competitions that might be different, though. The best thing learning a skill to a high degree does for you is give you more confidence in your own abilities and allow you to say, "You know what? I am really, really good at X."

If you want women to think well of you, focus on improving yourself - skill building is certainly part of this - but overall, level up your fundamentals... they're what other people use to form their opinions of you.

As for the girl telling you you're a "nobody" and a "loser," that sounds like auto-rejection in a big way, which probably means there's something you did between the sex and now that made her feel like you rejected her or disrespected her hard.

Chase

Nuncle's picture

Hi Chase

Do girls give different IOIs depending on whether they bracket you as a lover or provider?

I generally get a fair amount of IOIs (provided they aren't in my company for too long lol) and suspect that I generally come across as more of a provider candidate (while actually more interested in the lover side of things).

That said the IOIs often seem quite sexual - wide smiles, upward glances, direct stares, laughing and touching.

Is there a way to tell from their non verbal signals what they want from you?

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Nuncle-

Yes - the biggest differences being that women who want you as a provider will be girlier and more demure, while women who are interested in you sexually tend to be more crass and a fair bit more aggressive.

Women who want you as a boyfriend will be suggestive of dates: "You can call me... if you want," "We should get drinks sometime," while women who want you in bed with them now will drop not-so-subtle hints to get them out of there pronto: "How far away do you live?" "I'm tired." "This place is lame."

Physical touching isn't as reliable an indicator - some women who like you a lot as boyfriend or lover candidates will not touch you at all because they're not comfortable with it, and some women who are big teases will touch you heavily because they've learned that touch is good for keeping men around and feeding them attention. Touch is more an indicator of how comfortable with men in general the woman is than how much she likes you in particular... although if you get her touching you, that's of course a GOOD thing, assuming you're doing everything else right too!

Nonverbally, women who want you sexually will sometimes sit and just stare at you and say nothing (usually when they're waiting for you to pull) - they don't really want you to talk to them, because they want you to do something else to them. This can be true for women who want you as a lover right away, or women who want you as a boyfriend once enough time has passed and they've become sexually receptive to you.

Chase

Nuncle's picture

Just to clarify, I mean when you first meet them, not after sex.

Thanks

Anonymous's picture

Hi Chase. Are fundamentals ever enough by themselves to pickup a girl, take her home and have a good time?

Could you walk into a bar with super hot fundamentals and find a girl who's going to be willing to move with you and follow your lead straight away without you having to say much etc?

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Anon-

Sure - see this article:

She Doesn't Even Need to Know Your Name

Chase

Anonymous's picture

What about a 24 year old dating or sleeping with 17 year old girls ?

What would you say, is it disgusting, repulsive or simply nothing out of the ordinary and totally normal ??

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Sounds perfectly normal to me.

Just make sure that 17 is legal in whatever municipality you happen to be in, assuming you're the 24-year-old.

Chase

J.J. Jones's picture

Excellent article! Right now, I'm trying to figure out which box this girl I slept with recently goes in.

So, I meet this girl through a friend at a party. I get her number as she's leaving, arrange for a dinner date for early that next week. Go to dinner (date lasts about 90 minutes), then invite her over to my place. She readily accepts. Put in a movie and kiss her on my couch about 5-10 minutes into it. Push / pull type seduction over the next 45-60 minutes. End up in my bed, have sex one time, as we both have work in the morning. Although, it does last a good 30-40 minutes (I've read something like most men last on average 2-5 minutes!!). She tells me I got her off "a bunch of times". We lay and I hold her and caress her body, and she tells me some things she likes to do sexually (she says she loves to give head, etcetera, stuff like that). She seems pretty comfortable telling me about that. After she leaves, I think I better solidify to her that it wasn't a cheap lay, so I send her a text along the lines of "Hey [name], thanks for coming out with me tonight! You're a lot of fun to talk to and be with. A real awesome gal ;)" and she doesn't respond to it, but texts me good morning the next day. I schedule another dinner date with her. A couple days later she sends me a couple sexy pics of her wearing lingerie on her bed and I reward her for doing that and we have a short text exchange. Then, the day of the date (couple days later) I send her a text and she responds "I'm surprised you remember! But yes, we're still on. What time?" I say I'm good anytime after 5 and she texts back "Ok, lets do 530 because I have a conference at 745". To this, I say "Why don't we reschedule so you don't have to just eat and run? What were you going to say if I said 7? Haha :)" and then she says "I would have said raincheck lol" and then agrees to reschedule, but goes cold after that.

I had asked Franco about her over on the boards, and we kind of came to the conclusion (or maybe just I did?) that me asking her out for dinner re-framed everything and put me in BF land. What do you think?

-NJ

Author
Chase Amante's picture

NJ-

A lot of women, especially if they like you a lot, become super sensitive to rejection after sex (if they've had bad experiences with men rejecting them / disappearing after sex, they get even more hypersensitive to this). They also become super sensitive to whether they make pains to see you again or not. This one seems borderline between you rejecting her meet and her rejecting you for what you want.

The dinner date feels a lot like going backwards to me. If I'm a girl, it doesn't seem to make sense, really... we already had sex. Just invite me over. If you're asking me to a dinner date, it feels like you feel like you messed up and are now trying to rebuild things.

I think I once, when very inexperienced, invited a girl I'd slept with before to come over and go get ice cream outside with me. Then we went back and slept together. I just always invited girls over to my place to come see me after that. Occasionally, a less experienced girl will get weird and say something like, "I'm not that kind of girl! I never have sex this fast and this is too much for me!" but that's easy enough to calm down, and then she comes over, you sleep together, and she's smiling ear-to-ear.

On the night of, when you got a tiny window for the date with this girl, I'd have dropped the texting and just called. There's way too much information to be conveyed here for text:

  • I genuinely am into you
  • I really want to see you again
  • I don't want to do a short dinner date where you're running out the door
  • C'mon... do you really want to do a short, time-constrained date with me?
  • What are you doing after - I'd really like to see you

(also, the context of the dinner date probably led her to schedule something after... as in, okay, well, if he feels he needs to wine and dine me, I'd better be unavailable after to take us back to him-chasing-sex-me-holding-out-for-relationship games)

It's in kind of a weird place now where you've expressed that you're chasing after her (for sex), in a situation where normally she'd be chasing after you (for a relationship), so I'd probably just ditch the text messaging and give her a call to try and sort this out over the phone and get her over to sleep with her again.

Skip the dinner dates with women you've already slept with, at least until you've been seeing them for a couple of months.

If you want to take a girl you've newly started seeing out to dinner, have her come over, have sex with her first, then go out to dinner. Girls get really excited and turned on about this... you can sit there and nudge them in the ribs and go, "Bet none of these people know we were just having sex 15 minutes ago." You'll have some great follow-up sex after you get back from dinner, too.

Chase

Nuncle's picture

Thanks very much Chase.

I really am going to have to get my head round this "Women like sex" thing.

I had a date recently where the woman did exactly what you say - literally just sat there and stared at me across the table. I didn't know what the hell she was doing. I thought she was mental or something.

Nothing happened.

Mark's picture

Chase,

Do you have any tips about learning to last longer? Or is there a post on the way? Especially during things like rough, hard sex. Thanks for all your great insight, it's been incredibly helpful in turning my life around.

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Mark-

Yes, I have it down for an upcoming post.

Premature ejaculation happens when you're thinking about ejaculating - whether you're thinking, "Boy, ejaculation sure would feel good," or, "Oh man, I'd better make sure I don't prematurely ejaculate!" Either one will do it.

The solution is, quite simply, training yourself not to think about it until you're ready to climax.

But more on that in an upcoming article.

Chase

Miguel Antonio Cortés Muñoz's picture

Hello Chase,

As much as I love to visit this site, it seems a better option for me to be able to come here regularly without feeling I am eating out server bandwith without giving anything in return. As I am cashless at the moment, here is my question:

Is there any way for me to get free access to stuff (unlimited site acceess plus other materials) in exchange for my skills/knowledge in different areas (marketing and stuff)?.

Thanks.

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Miguel-

I can't make any promises - I'm at bandwidth as a manager and can't train anyone new right now, so you'd have to have a solid skill set in place and be ready to tear into action as-is - but if that sounds like you, shoot us a message using the contact form letting us know what you can do and what your skills and abilities look like and Genaro will forward your note along to me to scan through.

Chase

The M's picture

Hey Chase,

Which of my fundamentals most clearly convey whether or not I'm sexually experienced? Can I (and would I want to) improve those fundamentals to "very experienced levels" even if I'm very inexperienced? I think it would make me feel a bit imposter-like...

I have one other question. Let's sort men into three groups, A) those who only pursue LTRs, B) those who pursue some LTRs and some one-night stands, and C) those who pursue only one-night stands. So at the far end of the spectrum C) is the party guys, and you mentioned that high-quality women will quickly screen these guys out for relationships. My question is, are there women who will screen you out if you're in B), so only date you if you're in A)?

You're a high-quality guy, and your article on not dating women who go clubbing basically said that you'll only date women in group A) (please correct me if I'm wrong). So why wouldn't a high-quality woman screen in the same way? And if that's the case, shouldn't I be avoiding clubs and one night stands like the plague if I want to keep my LTR value as high as possible?

Best,
The M

Author
Chase Amante's picture

M-

The most important fundamentals for seeming sexually experienced are power, dominance, confidence, and calm. All these you can work at "faking it before you make it," although someone who's very good at reading people / is already where you're trying to be will be able to tell how legitimate or not you are on each of these measures. However, they'll help nevertheless, especially with women around your skill / experience level, until you actually get there for real.

Women who don't party tend not to like party guys, that's right. As far as whether they'll screen you out entirely... well, this is why you don't show up on Date #1 and announce, "Hey there! Don't know if you know this about me, but I LOVE bars and nightclubs! How about you?" With women as with men, it's hard to screen out someone once you already know him pretty well, find him very attractive, and like a lot of things about him if he has a few things about him you don't like so much. e.g., the women I date know that I go to nightclubs now and again, but I don't make it a big deal, and I don't mention it unless they do, and if they do, I only talk the minimum about it. "Sure, I go to clubs occasionally," or, "Clubs are cool, but the people you meet there are kind of all the same."

Not going to nightclubs at ALL rather lowers your appeal as a high value guy though, because one of the things women value most in men is a large breadth of experience. A woman may not go to nightclubs herself, but if her man doesn't either, at some point she's going to meet an attractive, high caliber man who does, and then she'll be asking him, "Oh. So you're smart and educated and successful, and you GO to nightclubs? I thought only losers went to nightclubs... so what's it like in a nightclub? Have you ever met a girl there? Do you drink a lot? How often do you go?" If the guy plays it down and says, "Nah, I don't go too much... clubs are cool, but [blah blah]," now he seems like a strong, relaxed, powerful guy with experience in an arena that is just as alien and confusing for you as it is for her. The more such "No Man's Land" areas you can erase from your life, the more your woman will respect you as a worldly man in-the-know. You obviously can't do it with EVERYTHING - if you're in the military, you'll probably never be in combat, for instance - but the more experience, the better, generally.

Nighttime venues also push your social skills to the limit and force you to get good at finessing things socially (which usually isn't fun to do, but is great to know HOW to do). This tends to translate into better social skills everywhere else in life, too. Even if a woman doesn't logically like that a man goes to nightclubs, she's attracted to and appreciates the social skill he has because of them.

Just don't act like a super club party guy who lives for the club, is all, if you don't want to be written off as unrelatable. Play down experiences she can't relate to, play up experiences she can... that's how you build relatability.

Chase

The M's picture

This is really reassuring and eye-opening - thanks a bunch, Chase!

M

Anonymous's picture

Theres a girl i like she never looks me in the eye ever. Do you think she is nervous around me? She also has slow response times whenever im around trying to start up a conversation.... Chase do are some girls even afraid of people they like? Like are they more scared if they like me alot or vise versa? Thanks Chase.

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Anon-

Could be. Could be she likes you and is nervous. Could be she feels awkward (if you stare at her a lot) and wants to discourage staring.

Best thing to do? Go ask her out, and find out for sure.

Chase

Danny's picture

Dear Chase,

Thank you very much! After all your references and facts, I just can't not believe in you anymore. I have one last question regarding to your article:

This is a question regarding to the Chase Frame. From what I know so far (PLEASE CORRECT ME IF I AM WRONG), Chase Frame is basically reversing the role. For ex): Disqualify her, put her into friend zone, accuse her for groping you or checking you out, tell her that u need more trust and comfort with her first because u don't want to get hurt....etc. Basically, act like you are on the pedestal instead of her.

My question is:
Should I tell her that I don't want to "waste time"? (Most men NEVER said this, like what u have mentioned above) Is this a good one? I am afraid that this might be a mistake...that's because if u say this, she might think u want long term relationship and thus will think of u as a provider instead of lover. Like what u mentioned in the ebook, if she think of u as a provider, it's BAD because she wanna slow things down so u can't move fast.

So is it good to tell her u don't wanna waste time?

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Danny-

You hit the nail on the head on chase framing - that's what it does. It's very funny for women (especially experienced women... but it works well on almost all of them), because it's exactly what they do to men all the time.

On wasting time... only use this one if you're clearly being very humorous about this. Like, said in an overly dramatic way with dramatic expressions: "I don't want to waste time, you know. I've only got so much time left on my clock. I'm only looking for SERIOUS women."

Don't use it if she might mistake your meaning, though - when women use this one seriously, it's meant to communicate that they want commitment, and nothing else. If you use it in a serious way, she'll think she needs to batten down the hatches and act conservative and traditional and put the brakes on things.

Be clearly over-the-top humorous with it though, and you ought to be fine.

Chase

Anonymous's picture

This girl i knew liked me and one day i gave her a seductive look (i smiled flirtariously at her). She looked at me back with a look that is really hard to describe but it was a mix of a surprised look and a anxious look, but anyways after that she avoided me and then a month later she showed intrest in me again . Why would she avoid me?

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Anon-

Sounds like she'd prefer to keep you in an orbiter role. If you're a fixed presence in her social circle, this could be why - dating you is not worth the social/drama risk, particularly if she isn't absolutely nuts over you.

See this article: The Secret to Hooking Up with Friends.

Chase

Anonymous's picture

Chase im a inexperienced young man at getting women and i basically became over obsessed with a girl. I cant ask her out because i never really got alone with her. I keep wanting her more and more and more. Every time i see her with a guy i get jealous sometimes idk why i get jealous sometimes. I feel like she could get any guy she wants. She is beautiful and has a wonderful personality and it drives me crazy that she knows so many guys.. I know she has intrest in me i could tell but she really never tried to get things moving with me sometimes she would avoid me... Sometimes i feel that shes out of my league. Can you help me understand this situation? By the way i have another question. If a girl has her sights on 1 guy and is afraid to lose him, well lets just say if a handsome guy asks her out would she say no because she has her sights on another guy & that guy only? Thanks Chase!

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Anon-

This article's the one you want on this situation:

Can't Stop Thinking About Her? Here's Why You Need to Meet More Girls

Chase

Anonymous's picture

I was chasing this girl it was like cat and freaking mouse. She showed intrest & it got me hooked. She never let me escalate because once the iron was hot she avoided me and attraction died down a bit.. I know shes a shy excited girl and sometimes i think theres too much tension and she flees.. I got fed up with the games and i never looked at her or responded to her flirts to show her im tired of the bullshit.. Do you think by pretending to not care and act like ive moved on will get her chasing me, because she wont wanna lose me?

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Anon-

This happens sometimes, but it depends on how much the girl likes you and how unique the value you provided to her life was before.

Difficult to turn around though if you don't know what you're doing, because your natural instinct, once she's started chasing, will be to stop acting aloof, and then she'll know she has you and will go back to being the aloof one and you'll return to chasing.

It's usually best just to cut contact and move on.

Chase

Anonymous's picture

Hi Chase, I'd really like to see an article about losing your virginity.

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Anon-

Well, the normal approach to getting to sex applies whether you're at 300 lovers or 0 - was there anything specific about the first time having sex you have questions about?

Chase

Tomas's picture

Hi Chase,
I have a question, it seems very important to me.

You always put focus on moving quickly and going for sex on the first date. But there is a contradiction. If you do that, the woman may have sex with you too quickly... for example, she never ever had sex after just 3 hours of knowing a man, but you are so sexy and irresistible that she will do that with you. And she will regret it hard later and auto-reject you.

So the problem is - isn't it better (at least in some cases) to delay sex to the second date to prevent the auto-rejection?

Chase, which risk is higher? The one that she will regret sex on the 1st date or the one that there could be no sex at all if it doesn't happen on the 1st date? How should I approach this issue?

Thank you for the great article,
Tomas

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Tomas-

There is some risk associated with sex happening too fast, but it's normally not anything you can't handle just by being nice to her after sex, and being nice and considerate with her in your follow-up. Even when girls get upset, this isn't too challenging to turn around - here's one example I posted on the forums of a turnaround when the girl started feeling like things happened too fast: "Buyer's Remorse Turnaround (2010)."

When you wait for the second date, you risk having scheduling conflicts, her interest cooling off, someone else coming along and beating you to the punch, or life intervening in one of a million other ways.

I guess the way to think about it is this way: if you sleep with her fast and she feels it was too fast after the fact, this is almost always correctable, so long as you're willing to be nice with her and show you there's more to you than just being a guy who whisks girls off their feet and into his bed.

If you sleep with her more slowly and she grows cold or life intervenes, this is almost never correctable - sometimes you can rekindle her interest, but the majority of the time, once it's dead and you haven't slept together yet, it's dead forever.

If you have a chance to make things happen with her quickly, opt for that, then just make sure you make her feel great afterwards and are warm and considerate and nice, and follow up with her well and be genuine in wanting to see her again, and you'll have little (or no) problems, and will avoid the risk of never getting together that comes with pushing things out into the unpromised future.

Chase

Tomas's picture

Thank you Chase,

I just want to add and you would agree with me for sure...

There are cases when a woman regrets fast sex with you quite much and she rejects you later and you cannot do anything about it.
But I think those are women who didn't have much sexual interest in you or didn't want to have sex for some reason (having some other guy, wanting just to chat over coffee...). You had sex with them only because you were able to make them feel sexy, seduce them, move them, escalate... during the first date. There would probably never be a similar chance on some next date.
Am I right?

Sincerely, Tomas

Anonymous's picture

Hi,
I had a first date from an online dating site. I took it as an informal date. It was ok, the woman was quite interested and even told me she would pay for the date and I would pay for the next one (I paid at the end). Before the end, I kissed her and she kissed me back quite passionately. I wanted to drive her home, but as soon we got into my car, we kissed and she became very aroused. To make it short - we ended having sex in my car. It was not too comfortable in there, but still ok (in my opinion).
After that, I drove her back to the town. She was very quiet, suddenly she told me to stop and left the car, I think without saying a word. Later, she messaged me. She never did such a thing, disappointed herself very much with her behavior and was afraid of a next date with me, good-bye, so she wrote.

Guys, would you give me a clue? What happened? Should I have waited for the 2nd date? What did I do wrong? She was the one who initiated sex... not me.

David

Mark's picture

Hi Chase. First of all – you are AWESOME, this site is an eye opener, altought i have red maybe 40 articles so far. Second sorry for my english, its not my first language, if i made some mistakes.
Before i found your site, i was making quite enough mistakes with girls, and after reading your articles most of these mistakes disapear ( not all of them off cource, but on the other hand you cant master something over night ).
I have so many questions for you, but i will ask only 2, i am shure you have better things to do, than typing all day long.LOL Those 2 question originates from my problem , and those question bugs me because i cant figure them out ( i have red some posts on this topic, but in my mind there are still some ilogical issues here )
My problem is that i am sloted into boyfriend/husband category almost 90% of the time with girls, only because my education, my job and my behaviour – i am 31 year old doctor ( M.D.), tall, body in shape, and some would say fairly handsome.As for my behaviour- i am pretty much confident guy ( with girls even more after i find this site ), so i am faaaar from a wuss with no backbone, but i am not some arogant jerk – bad boy,i am friendly and warm person who likes other people and like to help others whenever i can.
Few days ago i overheard some females in bar talking about relationships, and one of them make a statement that good guys are for serious relationships, and bad boys are for great casual sex.Her female friends comments : yeah totally !!! By my logic that is as if she was saying that good guys cant give her great sex, only bad boys can rock her world in bed, but in return for his lacking in sex department good guy will give her some great relationship in return. Why on earth do they think this way???!! So based on their thoughts, just because i am doctor, who is respected in his community, and friendly, and have manners, i must be bed in sack, i am lousy lover ??! Lets be honest and logical here. If you have two guys, first is short overweight men, drink to much, smoke to much, doesent take care of himself, and second guy is strong, muscular, sporty guy, it is safe to presume that second have more strenght, endurance and experience and will be far better.
But in situation where you have ordinary looking normal guy, and ordinary , how can she tell bad boy will f.ck my brain out, and this good, normal guy is lousy in bed.?!Howcan she presume that ?
In a last year i begin to aply some of your rules ( thums up, you are awesome ), and they give me much more succes with girls then before, but there are still some great, good quallity girls which want to play some hard to get, i am prude little angel games with me.
Same girls had quite a few first date sex, or one night stands, but guess what - NOT WITH ME, with me she is good princess. Few years ago they would fool me around, but after your advices no more LOL !!! If i don’t bed her by the third date maximum, her and i are over, that is my policy now.
My second question is about these “little angels”. They try playing hard to get, and then after third date with no sex, i don’t want to waste my time any more, she gets angry with me.”Why don i try little harder, why i give up so easily?” And then when i explained to them that i don’t want to be some logical choise for her, some second best consolation prize, future husband etc, but i want to be lover first, and if that grows into relationship great, if not its not the end of the world, they are angry even more !!!.I also want to be a guy she has no problem sleeping with after first date, and when she clearly showed me i am not one of those in her mind, i want to stop waste my time and move on to some other girl. I wish you could see their look in that moment .As if they think – “how this sweet nice guy exibit this bad boy behaviour and attitude – how dare he ?!”
Whats up with that? Please try to explaine female psychology behind these 2 questions, because i cant understand it at all. Thanks in advance P.S. keep up great work !!!

Jimbo's picture

They think bad boys will give them great sex because bad boys tend to be less considerate and do whatever the fuck they want, which usually leads to great sex.

Consider this:

One woman in her late 30s, for instance, who has been in a peer marriage for 10 years, said during couples therapy that when she asked her husband to be more forceful, “rougher,” in bed, the result was comical.

“He was trying to do what I wanted,” she explained, but he was so... careful. I don’t want him to ask, ‘Are you O.K.?’ I want him not to care if I’m O.K., to just, you know, not be the good husband and take charge.”

--------------

Yeah you don't want to waste time. Escalate fast, exhibit sexual interest/vibe, be a bit of an asshole, dress edgier, and that should dispel the whole husband-material vibe you're giving off when you're looking for faster lays.

Kudos on not taking more of their crap on the third date, but the very fact that it's taking three dates means you're not escalating enough on the first and second dates, you're not trying to go for a kiss when there's a good moment between you, you're not inviting them home, etc., all of which you should be doing on the first date. In other words, you're being too "good," and you should stop that.

Jimbo's picture

Sorry, had trouble putting through the link at "this". Here it is: http://www.nytimes.com/2014/02/09/magazine/does-a-more-equal-marriage-me...

Anonymous's picture

Hmm a fascinating article..

I'm a woman, there are only two scenarios in which I'd be ok with sex on a first date, and not regret it after (the commenter above could take note perhaps) -

1. It’s emotionally safe. He's not intelligent/interesting enough for me, not particularly skilled or talented, but he's gorgeous to look at and lusts after me in a way that’s not emotional (no relationship prospect so no regrets). Very rare, involves being sex starved based on holding out for months on end because of not finding suitable relationship material!

2. I find him lovely in every way and it develops into a relationship (this did happen to me and we were together 8 years in one of the best relationships of my life)

But, you're spot on re other post sex regrets. Recently I finally got together with a guy who's been flirting with me for years (he’d asked me out on a couple of dates and we would have got together and had sex before no doubt, but I moved to a different city)

So I visited him to see an event in his city which we both attended. We got together and the sex was mind blowing. He told me he'd wanted me from the moment we met (a crucial fact - he told me that after we'd had sex three times and before we slept!). Next morning was more of the same

I was in a post sex pleasure haze and would have loved to do it again, but he didn't text or contact me until a week later, and only after I messaged 'how's it going, thanks for a lovely time', he didn’t reply until the next day. He then told me it had been - 'the most incredible awesome awesome sex, to say the least' and that he'd 'not forget the day/night soon' - 'the chemistry was outrageous' it was 'spectacular' and so on .

I've cut him off. Though I did at least explain why - no courtesy or communication afterwards, and the unflattering fact that he won't forget about me 'soon' (thanks!). I explained he didn't appear to be either a friend or lover, therefore it was regrettable but that we live and learn.

Also though I didn’t mention this to him, there was no offer to meet up again, or a wish expressed for that to happen. No questions to indicate the wish to keep communicating. Just that he’d be following my work projects online (?!)

We have loads of friends in common. We've been exchanging messages for over a year. So there were expectations of courtesy and follow-up based on a friendship, a friendship circle, and his previous flirting and considerable warmth. So it's awkward, regrettable, hurtful! I misjudged it badly and have to cut him off because I don't want to see his face on social media reminding me of my mistake, also because, based on the mind blowing sex, I might be tempted again if he sweet talked me over time. (I think he would have, after a while of a ‘cooling off period’ to lower my expectations no doubt. Not nice). I can’t block him completely though because then it’s obvious to everyone that something’s happened. Social involvements make a very troublesome issue – I attend about 3 social events per year where he’ll be there

Funny this article mentions making her feel like a plastic doll, that's what I felt like ultimately and it left a very nasty taste in my mouth that I won’t forget about soon,if ever, and now he’ll feel troubled too I imagine.

Señor Spamdump's picture

Hey Chase,

thanks for another great article. I've been reading some other posts on the site, and find the work is spot on, accurate, and significantly higher quality than the overwhelming majority of "dating & relationship" advice out there.

Unfortunately, this came too late for me, and I committed a fundamental error in not following up appropriately, and blew a good thing. Still re-adjusting to dating after a long absence, but always follow up the next day was a cardinal rule. It gives the option, but not obligation, to see the girl again. If you want to.

Keep up the good work, this is a sensational resource.

Jimbo's picture

Interesting breakdown.

I would add that how guilty she feels also depends on whether she secured a Provider, i.e. got the emotional and financial security covered. Because if you look at those who have those aspects of their lives covered (i.e. a good provider + one who gives her everything she needs and is loyal), when those cheat they feel almost zero guilt or hesitation. They may feel bad for the guy, but not having had sex, for having "given it up", there's no 'walk of shame', regardless of how the sex was or did you treat her afterwards. And that's because they already got their other biological urge/imperative (security) covered. And that's also why you'll usually have less of that with older women.

Coco's picture

Hey Chase, I finally had sex with a girl who flaked on me many times before. The sex was amazing, we did it three times, and I believe I made her cum quite a few times.
But after the sex she told me she got scared that I might use her for sex. I tried to convince her it wasn’t the case but there was nothing I could do.
I think that despite the great sex, she wasn’t all that into me and there didn’t seem to be much I could have done.
I’m kinda sad it ends like this and she’s putting the blame on me.

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