Why Her Past Matters If You Want Something Serious | Page 2 | Girls Chase

Why Her Past Matters If You Want Something Serious

Chase Amante

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Chase Amante's picture

Back in late 2006 and early 2007, I was on an invitation-only social networking site called Late Night Shots. It was a site that allowed those on the Washington, D.C. social scene to “see and be seen” by others – set up profiles, find out where everyone was gathering at, and the like. Sort of a private Facebook for the D.C. socialite crowd.

One of the more interesting features of LNS then was an anonymous message board where people could ask all sorts of dicey questions and give all manner of unbiased, unfiltered replies, since their answers were in no way tied to their profiles or real world identities.

I wasn’t terribly interested in the gossip section of those boards (”Who’s dating whom in the scene?” “What new girl has rocketed to the top of the scene the fastest?”), although it did make for good occasional reading on how different people evaluated social status competitors in the scene (and worked to build up their and others’ reputations, or tear others down through rumors). What interested me more were the various relationship topics that got posed and debated to death.

One of the most frequent of these was the question of “Do women’s pasts matter?”

woman's past

While nearly all of the female commenters seemed to argue quite vehemently that they didn’t matter one bit, the male commenters were divided right down the middle in their positions: half that they did, half that they didn’t.

Among the half arguing that they didn’t, there was a further divide: the men who didn’t care about women’s pasts because they had no intention of ever ending up in any form of committed long-term relationship... and the men who didn’t care because they legitimately thought a woman’s past had no bearing on her future.

I’d argue that the past matters even in a fling, hookup, or a casual or open relationship... simply because crazy girls can wreck your life in all kinds of terrible ways even when you’re keeping things arms-length with them, and a one-night stand with the wrong kind of girl can quickly turn down Bad News Lane if she fixates on you or brings other bad stuff into your sphere. But what about commitment? How much a woman’s past matter if you want something serious?

Comments

Anonymous's picture

Hey, I really need your help! I have seeing this girl for a couple months now that I met at a nighclub. Our relationship started out great but as I got to get to know more about her past I started to feel wary about whether or not to have a long term commuted relationship to her. She told me she was raped as a little girl by two different men and in highschool was easily taken advantaged of by the popular teens due to her lack of self esteem and need for validaion. Then throughtout college she slept with 20+ guys for the sole purpose of chasing orgasms. She does not have a religious background at all and does not for the time being believe in marriage due to seeing her own parents' failed relationship and abusive father.

Admittedly, she told me she was not with me for sex, but for my company which of course took a blow to my ego. She tells me that she has real feelings for me and what we have together means more to her than sex. Our relationship is starting to get serious as she tries to get me to invest more into the relationship but I'm unsure if I should really keep things moving forward.

I need your help! Is it worth investing more into this relationship or should I go back to the drawing board and change her role in my life?

Jimbo's picture

Stay with her if you like her, but don't invest too much in the relationship (emotionally and financially) because there's a probability it will go south.

Jimbo's picture

*high probability

Anonymous's picture

I am a girl. I haven't read any of your other articles, but this one intrigued me and I read the whole thing, not being able to decide if I should be amused, offended

Mike's picture

Had to comment here. I've been using this site for a while now and have had amazing results! This article holds a special place with me because I didn't pay it much attention and I wish I would have. I'm 42 and engaged to a 26 year old woman. I've been picking up and sleeping with younger girls for at least 2 years always just putting them in rotation and not keeping it serious Then.....the unthinkable happened. I started spending more and more time with one of them. I got complacent and ended up emotionally invested. The fact is that she could be the woman you're talking about in this article. Religious to not religious....... cheated on a previous boyfriend......sex young.......sex with friends......LOTS of partners that seem to constantly "check in". I didn't screen properly and now I have a relationship where I don't feel I can trust her......is there anything I can do at this point?

sydney_sider91's picture

I serial cheated on my ex! I probably won't be revealing that fact to her until I've been sleeping with my next girlfriend for several months.. but then how will I question her without answering the same question myself

Vana's picture

You can't. So just don't ask if you don't want to answer the same.. It's about time men are questioned about what they do when they question women.

Jimbo's picture

Pretty much all of my relationships (four) have been open ones, some explicitly, some implicitly so. I've "cheated," some I know she "cheated," others I don't know. "Don't ask, don't tell" has usually been a good policy in my relations when it came extra partners.

The thing is that... I'm kind of special when it comes to relationships, in that I can't ever be truly in one, like, invested emotionally. I've never really loved, and probably never will. And I've entered relationships pretty much for the sole reason to secure sex without having to do pickup each time (though weirdly enough I still picked up once in a while while in relationships).

I also do enjoy the intimacy and the female companionship. But that's it.

The rest of the time I do my thing and just don't care. And I think the mai reason my exes have stuck around the whiles they did was because they liked the challenge of trying to get me to fall for them or feel something for them, be more available, stuff like that. And also because I mess around with them a lot, tease them, kind of like I used to do with my sister (tousle her hair, hit her (not hard), she hits me back, throw stuff, shit like that) plus the sex, so we're never really bored the few times we're together, even though I'm not always very present.

So yeah, in that light I never really cared about exclusivity.

Similarly, marriage for me will be a contract. To me the whole purpose of marriage is something to have children within. I'm into having many many children, Duggar-style. And I need to find a woman with some good traits I have in mind to bear those children and spread said traits, and also mine. I'm very eugenic-oriented socially, and I think I have some great traits that I have to spread far and wide for the greater good. I also believe people on welfare and poor people should be sterilized temporarily, and other categories permanently, but I'm not getting into that right now.

So basically the deal of my marriage will be: she does most of the rearing, day-to-day stuff, keep the house tidy, iron my shirts; I supply the funds, take care of the major external things, and make sure the kids stay in school. Don't care about sexual exclusivity, only that the children I'll be providing for will be mine. We may even sleep in seperate beds or rooms. And I probably won't even be around that regularly. So yeah, two things will be a must: a solid prenup, and paternity test for each child (which itself will be included in the prenup).

But this marriage isn't gonna be until three or four years, until I make more money than now. And I'll have to find a woman with good traits who likes to have kids.

vana's picture

If men feel they can judge a woman based on her sexual past, what make men exempt from the same judgment? We all know men as well as women can be sexually reckless. A sexually reckless man can wreak havoc in a good woman's life as well. Baby mama drama, child support payments as well as proclivity for sexual perversion and propensity to cheat are a turn off. Risky sexual behavior shouldn't be tolerated in a man as well. Judge not lest you be judged!

Tony Moroni's picture

Hi Chase. FIrst of all, i really love your work. When i have a doubt about women i always check this blog. There is plenty of wisdom here.

I'm in one year relationship with someone pretty weird. She's exactly as me in personality. But her past torments me and i just break up with her. The reasons are:

She had her first intercourse at 15 then started a monogamous realtionship with her first time guy. 5 years later (never cheated) he cheats on her and break up with her. She tried a serious relationship again with an older man but it doesn't work. She tried again with a player who used her for one year promising a serious relationship at first but offering a open relationship after he sleeped with her. She dated other guys but no sex. She accepted the "open" due to falling in love. She tried again a serious relationship two times: With a older guy again and a controlling man. Two relationships fail and she came back to the casual guy for another two years convinced that love doesn't exist and that serious relationship can't work. She has dovorced parents btw.

Then i appear. At first she leaved him for me but the guy insisted that "love doesn't exists", "commited relationships doesn't work" so she said me that she couldn't be monogamous so i just walked out from her life. 5 months passed and she came back. Things with this guy didn't work out and she was thinking trying a serious relationship and asked me for a chance. I didn't gave her at first then we made a exclusivity thing going on but i often repeated we won't work out. She one night go to party ("i have the right to party" she said) and drunkenly kissed another guy.

I break up. She falls in crisis. Look for a psychologist and came back asking a opportunity. Her line: "I really tought serious realtionships couldn't work but i really want to try it now in the good way. I can do it, i always dreamed about doing it but i tought it was worthless to try". I gave it her to her.

Results after one year? No cheating. I've scanned her fb and WA periodically without her knowing and nothing. She rejects every approach a guy does. No more partyng or drinking. Only me, work, family and a couple a friends (women and men) who i know and i actually like pass time with them. This guy was just blocked from phone and her life.

She says she found again that desire to have a formal relationship with me and that she now knows it can happens.

But her past torments me. It really does including the fact that she decided to stay in this open relationship with him instead of trying something serious with me. I'm a very serious man about relationships but i have a promiscuous past in my early 20s as well. I'm in my early 30s and she is in the middle 20s.

She wants a tatto with never have done one.

What do you think? Is she a serious relationship material?

Thanks in advance for your time.

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