How to Break Up with a Girl Painlessly (Say These Words) | Girls Chase

How to Break Up with a Girl Painlessly (Say These Words)

Chase Amante

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Chase Amante's picture

how to break up with a girlA little while back, in the article on bitter women, JD asked a great question about the proper way to break up:

[G]irls easily fall in love with me, and I'm not really considerate towards their feelings. Last time I broke up with someone it almost caused everyone to hate me... Obviously that's not something I'd like to happen. So how do you break up? How do you leave women thinking; 'wow, he was awesome, too bad he's moved on'?

Breaking up is a wrenching affair much of the time, especially for the partner who's trying to hold on while the other lets go. Break ups are rarely mutual... far more often, they're one-sided, with one partner giving the other the boot, while the booted party feels hurt, shocked, injured, and helpless.

Especially if you've had a longer relationship (6+ months or so), you're usually going to be in for a bumpy road, emotionally.

How do you deal with all these emotions, and how do you figure out how to break up with a girl in a way that's fair to both people involved and doesn't leave a lot of smashed, hurt, broken feelings?

Comments

Danny's picture

Chase, this is another enlightening article...but why not just make it simple....just lie to her and say that u are gonna move far away for another job opportunity or your family now located there...etc etc

http://www.girlschase.com/content/how-get-your-girlfriend-back

This way, u don't burn bridges. Just like jobs,u NEVER wanna burn bridges. So in the future, if u want her again for flings or short term, she prob willing to.

Just like your article on How to Get your Gf back, the third type of emotion she is facing: It's too soon. LOL

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Danny-

Done properly, this technique does the opposite of burn bridges - it causes women to respect you ENORMOUSLY. They'll still have some love-hate emotions there, but that's natural any time there are strong emotions toward you and a woman wants to be with you but can't.

The problems with lying about why you need to break up with a girl are many:

  • If you are untalented at lying, this comes across unbelievable / ingenuine

  • If she's really crazy about you, she's going to tell you it's fine and she'll fly out to where you are

  • If she buys this and you stay in the same city, you'd better hope you don't ever go anywhere that she or anyone she knows ever goes, and aren't on social media where she or anyone she knows will be able to see that you aren't where you say you are... because if you do, prepare to catch hell from not just her, but any shared friends or acquaintances and possibly her social circle, too

It's basically a "tangled web" problem: the more untruths you spin, the more precautions you're going to have to build into your life to avoid having that tangled web fall down around you.

The more tangled a web you weave, particularly with people close to you, the more you end up ensnared yourself by your own threads.

Chase

Anonymous's picture

You sound like a complete retard who thinks that in this day and age of facebook and instagram she wouldn't immediately find out that you've lied and hate you a hundred times more. Are you a special needs person?

cwongucd's picture

Dear Chase,

Why so much hassle? Just suddenly disappear from her: Don't pick up her phone call, text, and don't spend any efforts finding her. Don't response her. That's it! If she comes find you in person, then just tell her you are moving to another State for new job opportunity etc..I still love you but long distance is gonna be painful blah blah

Basically, use your "action" to do the breakup, not your words, no talk.

Author
Chase Amante's picture

C Wong-

Well, imagine you've been seeing a girl for 6 months, a year, or longer.

You're crazy about this girl. She's awesome.

Much of the time you think about her, what you're really doing is planning out your future with her together.

Then, one day, out of the blue, without rhyme or reason or warning, she suddenly vanishes without a trace.

She won't answer your phone calls. She won't respond to your text messages. You feel a sinking feeling in your chest: this isn't like her. Has she been kidnapped? Has she been hurt? Is she lying in a hospital somewhere, critically injured?

Is she dead?

In a panic, you rush over to her home... only to find her sitting there watching television. "What's going on?" you ask, knowing something is clearly wrong, but not knowing what it is.

"Oh, sorry," she says. "I'm moving to another state. I can't see you anymore." You look around. No boxes are packed. She hasn't mentioned anything like this before.

"You're MOVING? Where? What state? I mean - what?"

"Yeah, um, I'm moving to Minnesota," she says. "I get a job offer."

A long conversation ensues as you try to find out why she didn't tell you; what this new job is; how often she's going to come back to see you; when she's moving. Her answers are weird and fuzzy; you can tell she's trying to hide something. But she maintains her composure and doesn't show her cards - she's leaving in two days and won't have time to see you anymore. She doesn't think it's healthy to try and maintain a long-distance relationship - so this is it. It's been fun. See ya. So long.

You drag yourself home, crushed. It doesn't make any sense! This person, whom you've just invested so much of your life, time, emotion, and energy into, for a good long stretch of time, is suddenly... just leaving? What?!

A few weeks go by, and then it happens: your friend tells you he ran into your ex-girlfriend downtown, partying and having fun. You call her up: voicemail. You leave a nasty one for her. "What the fuck?" you scream. "What the FUCK?! Are you insane? Or are you just a coward? What the fuck is going on in your fucked up head?" you ask.

You never hear back.

Your next relationship, this new girl seems very sincere... but you don't trust her. You know that at any moment, she could suddenly just drop, disappear, and cut all contact with you, with no reason or explanation. She says she loves you; and maybe you'd like to say that too.

But you've learned not to trust anyone, because the world is full of broken, cowardly people.

The reason why you don't pull stunts like this - and I've known a few guys who used this as their preferred way of slinking out of relationships - is several-fold. First, it tanks whatever respect people have for you - you won't see it at first (guy friends will laugh at how crazy it sounds), but gradually over time they start to exit from your life. It also shows for all to see that you have zero loyalty or consideration for those who've invested their lives and energies into you - and is a clear sign to anyone paying attention not to invest anything in you themselves. It messes people up, more or less permanently, and leaves them with deep emotional scars and baggage, and very often turns them into manipulative people themselves, in an attempt to prevent themselves from being fooled and hurt like that again.

One guy I knew who did this to a girlfriend - got annoyed at her, and then just cut contact without saying anything - she spent months waiting for him to come back, took up drinking, and went and got picked up at a bar by the first nice guy friend of hers willing to hear her sob story and ended up pregnant with his baby... behavior entirely aberrant for her.

When you're dealing with an emotional force as powerful as breaking up a relationship, it's worth a little extra hassle to avoid deeply and permanently scarring someone else who's put her emotions and sanity in your hands in order to be with you. You may not see the impact yourself, if you're not there with her, but make no mistake - you have one.

Chase

Magick's picture

Thank you Chase. "It will leave you breathless or with a nasty scar."

Steven1's picture

Hi Chase,

Thanks for your response earlier to my post about the friend request. I'd like to purchase spellbinding and just had a few questions about it.

Is it continuously updated? ie, will the material reflect perhaps newer stuff or would it be from years ago?

also, how long ago was the material updated?

also, would it be stuff i can use for normal relationships, ie, professional networking too?

thanks chase! your posts have left me wanting more and I hope to find more stuff to learn in spellbinding!

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Steven-

I published Spellbinding in late 2011. No updates, but then, the things I teach on conversation now are by and large the same as what I was teaching in 2011 - the core principles of something like conversation are the same now as they were 2,000 or even 20,000 years ago, and the core principles, plus some specific technique, are what's focused on there.

Most of the program is applicable to any kind of conversation - romantic, professional, friends, etc.; things like identifying bad topics, thread cutting and amplifying, bating, and bridges and gaps apply everywhere. The stuff on chase framing of course is going to be more or less wholly for romantic conversations.

Depending on your learning style and whether you've read the book and/or much of the blog, you may find the video great and insightful and making you think about things in ways you hadn't before, or you may find it covering familiar territory or things you already have a handle on - I've heard both. Hopefully, though, if you do grab Spellbinding, your experience is more in line with the former!

Chase

Franco Lombardi's picture

This was an article I was looking forward to seeing. There is a lot of clarity here behind the rationale for your approach toward breaking things off.

A question that I have: is it possible to take a girl that you've been seeing casually before she becomes your girlfriend and communicate to her that you would be open to continue to see her casually so that you can see other women? Maybe she's absolutely amazing and a prospect for a girlfriend/wife in the future, but you consider yourself too young as well as too busy with your career development to "commit" to something that is life-long at the moment. Is there some way to present this arrangement to her in a way that she's willing to try on her own accord (and possibly accept)?

Good stuff, Chase.

- Franco

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Franco-

Yes, absolutely it's possible. In that case, you generally want to wait for her to bring up the "where do you see this going?" conversation, and attack it with a, "Well, here's the thing: I really dig you and care about you and think you're probably the most amazing woman I've been with... but I'm not in a place right now where I can offer commitment, and I don't know if that's something you can handle in a lover and partner, or if it's something you even want to handle in a lover and partner, or not. I can offer you an amazing relationship, and I can offer you that I will absolutely care about you... I don't know that I can offer you commitment right now though, and I don't know how much of a deal breaker or not that is for you. It might be one."

Then, let her talk. She'll probably say that she wants to be able to see other guys too; you'll say "okay", but let's both agree that we'll be safe and use protection, and if any mistakes happen we'll let the other know and won't be mad at each other and we'll go get tested together.

Most women, if they're really crazy about you, will only try dating around in the beginning, before falling into a more or less settled and monogamous relationship with you, or may plan to date around but never even get to it. It's very hard to maintain a non-monogamous lifestyle when you've got a partner you're crazy about who's meeting all of your needs (and you're not otherwise a sexaholic or big time novelty seeker).

Chase

Elliot's picture

Took a break from my girl of 7 seven months right before reading this article and got on the website to find what I was looking for all day.. The long distance relationship was getting to hard for her and it did'nt help that's it's her freshman year in college 3 hours away and I'm still in high school. Gave her the choice of staying and working things out together or leaving, she chose to take a break. Told her to we'd stay faithful and that we weren't talk until she texts or calls. She's a good girl, soft but beautiful beyond description, want to to work things out but after the month I'll cut my loseses and begin dating different girls. Nessasry but hurts like shit. What's your advice about taking breaks and what happens isf wants to continue the relationship?

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Elliot-

My advice on breaks is, don't waste your time - either stay together, or break up. All a "break" really is is time for at least one of the partners (if not you, then the other one) to go try other people on for size, with the safety and security of knowing that if it doesn't work out with those new partners, she can always go back to her guy from before.

Breaks are normally very one-sided in favor of women - many more men "wait" on breaks than women do (maybe because most of the men who aren't going to wait don't want to bother going to the trouble of trying to hang onto the girl), and if a woman wants to get back at any point after starting a break, she usually can; but if a man wants to get back after starting a break, if the woman hasn't run her course dating new people, or she has a new boyfriend / partner / lover she's enjoying quite a bit, she's going to say, "No - I need more time; I'm not ready yet."

If you both decide to continue the relationship, it's essentially the same as a break up / get back together scenario - you've both tried being independent, played the field or at least considered it, and ultimately decided that while you would've liked something better (otherwise, the break never would've happened), your old partner really is about the best you can get - so you might as well settle.

These relationships always have a different feel the second time around, because instead of being with someone you're crazy about, you're with someone you're settling for because you couldn't find anything better / the better options didn't want to give you what you wanted (e.g., she dated a hotter guy, but he broke her heart or wouldn't give her a relationship - and she goes back to her comforting, familiar, less-hot-but-at-least-he's-there ex).

Better to start fresh with someone new who can be excited to be with you, instead of settling for you because you're the best she can do, in my opinion. Just a nicer overall feel to the relationship, and healthier for your self-esteem.

Chase

Harry251's picture

Hey Chase can we have a post on keeping momentum .When u have a GF.Like u said most guys stop approaching but their girl still gets approached so how can a guy not lose that inner fire to get a girl after a break up?

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Harry-

Sure - that'd make for an interesting topic, and I know some fun research on testosterone levels in committed relationships I'd include with that one, too.

Chase

Wolf's picture

Chase, one quick question about me, is it bad that I don't have enough relationship experience? Most of the girls I had wanted one, but gave me sex without us being monogamous. I don't even have a handful of relationships under my belt. Do I need to get into more relationships?

Now my question for you is, how did you sleep with so many girls and have so many girlfriends? Did you cheat on them? Tell them and they were fine with it? What did you do?

Thanks

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Wolf-

Relationship experience is very worth having, yes - it's a different skill set from meeting girls and getting to sex, though there is some overlap. Once you're good at dealing with major drama from women in relationships, most of the little tests you run into during pickups quit phasing you... and you also get a lot more accustomed to and feel much more natural about commanding and leading women and having them do as you like (assuming you run your relationships with a fairly firm and dominant hand).

As for me, I used to tell girls directly that I was not a "one-girl guy" and they would fight this and tell me we were not having a relationship and I would shrug and say no problem, but keep inviting them over and continue giving them good sex and they would keep seeing me and end up as de facto girlfriends nevertheless (with occasional outbursts of high drama telling me I needed to be exclusive and it wasn't right and whatnot).

These days I mainly just tell women I'm a bad man and not well-suited to relationships and women get hurt around me and I could be gone tomorrow. That's fine for a while, but eventually at some point you lose enough of your original mystique (even the President of the United States gets his balls busted and treated like just another guy by the First Lady) that the girl won't settle for anything less than a concerete "yes, I'll be exclusive" or "no, I will not be exclusive" - and then you've got to decide if you're willing to come out and say you're not a one-girl guy flat-out, and have to deal with all that drama, or you're going to grant her monogamy. That choice very much depends on where you're at in life and what you want at any given point in time and with any given girl.

Chase

Mohammed's picture

Hello Chase

This is an excellent article, my question is what to do when you have a 10 month daughter and been with her for 2 years?

Thanks

Mohammed

Anonymous's picture

Hi Chase,

Another great, insightful article on navigating a hard part of relationships, while managing destructive emotions. Thanks again. I don't know what we'd do without your help.

I've been wondering, do you have any pieces on developing a sense of humor planned? I've recently kicked depression into a more manageable state, and while I'm much improved socially (I owe my day to day social circle to GC advice), I find I'm often overly serious, and not really sure how to laugh at things/myself.

I've read GC's articles on teasing, being playful and on the wrong kind of funny, and while they seem pretty great, they seem moot without already having a sense of humor.

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Anon-

I do have that in the works, yeah - it's one of these topics I've been intending to write on for quite some time, but I want to give it a proper treatment, and that's probably going to be a pretty long article, and somewhat painful to write. It'll go up sooner or later - it's one of my top "have to write this one" pieces.

Chase

Anonymous's picture

I know this girl we have been friends a long while. I started to get attracted to her but i was deep in the friend zone & i dont want to ruin are friendship if i get rejected because then the friendship would get awkward. Can you explain how to get out of the friendzone, or tell me how i could seal the deal in the friendzone?

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Anon-

See this article by Ricardus - it's just what you're looking for:

"How to Get Out of the Friend Zone: A Man's Survival Guide"

Chase

Anonymous's picture

Hi Chase, great article but I have a particular sticking point. Once I know a girl likes me, I automatically withdraw in some way because I am scared of what to do next.
Any advice?
Thanks.

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Anon-

Set goals for yourself. It's a lot easier to do what you need to do when you know the next goal to be accomplished on your list is, "Invite two girls home," and you can say to yourself, "Well, gotta do it - otherwise, my goals don't get checked off. Here goes!"

Chase

Anonymous's picture

For some reason gays, ugly women, and loose women (hos) always hit on me. Very seldom does a attractive girl hit on me. I don't get why, but can you explain why this might happen?

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Anon-

You can use that for bragging rights - tell a girl that gay men hit on you, and she'll always say, "Well, that's a good thing! Gay guys have good taste."

The people who hit on you are always going to be lower than what you can get. If you CAN get beauty queens, beauty queens won't hit on you themselves, but regular girls will. If you're so disgustingly attractive to women that you can get ANY woman with astounding ease, that's the only time you get really beautiful girls hitting on you somewhat regularly... and even when really beautiful girls hit on you, it's often in more subtle ways that, depending on your level of social attunedness, you may or may not pick up on.

Chase

Troy's picture

Hey Chase, Another good article ive been waiting on. Thanks man! While reading this article and your reply to"hassle", I got this idea in my head. It's how do i reconnect with my ex-girlfriends and how do i not make it seem like im trying to get her back but id love to remain good friends with her. They are my ex-girls and i dont want to have relationships and then we are no longer anything to each other when it's over.It's nice when my girls still call, text and go with me after we have taken time off from that after breaking-up. You said take at least 6 months off from talking to her but how do we get back to being good talking friends and us going out just for good fun or maybe even a friends with benefit relationship. I want to remain friendships without losing respect and burning bridges plus it makes me feel good to still enjoy the company of my ex-girls... please put this on your article list. thanks Chase!
Cheers, Troy!

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Troy-

It's now on the list!

Chase

danny's picture

Hi Chase, I regularly read you're articles and this website has helped me very much. The fundamentals which I practice make girls in my high-school and age-group flock to me, but I am for some reason unable to take charge and kiss-close of bed any of them even when it seems too obvious what they are asking for.
Any help would be appreciated .

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Danny-

I don't have experience taking girls in high school, so I'm not much use here, but I do know that most of the guys I know who pulled in high school focused on women on the periphery of their social circles (girls in other schools, etc.) like what we talked about here: "The Secret to Hooking Up with Friends", or meeting girls in malls and department stores (there are a few active posters on the discussion boards who are either in high school or recently graduated who use this method to meet women).

My guess would be that if you're relying on girls IN your high school, the social consequences for getting together are very, very high, and a a girl's going to move very, very slowly with you to make sure there's absolutely zero risk to reputation / status damage to her before anything happens... which is probably hard to do.

All the pretty girls I remember from high school either dated guys at least two grades older than them, who were probably such massive status boosts to them that even if the guy broke up with them they'd still be better off, or guys from other schools, who posed no great status risk to them in their high school. I remember all the pretty girls senior year of high school dating guys from other schools, and the middle-tier girls more foolishly dating guys from school and everyone gossiping about it or teasing them about it... prettier girls in high school seem to be smart and avoid this by dating outside of school.

Chase

Anonymous's picture

Are large adamsapples considered sexy or weird?

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Anon-

I honestly have never heard women talk about this before, and mine's not prominent enough that I've ever had comments on it, but a quick Google search for "Adam's apple sexy" shows a bunch of girls / women on Yahoo answers saying that they LOVE large Adam's apples, don't care about them, or sometimes saying they dislike them or find them a little dorky. There also appear to be women with Adam's apple fetishes, who find large Adam's apples a major turn-on. I did not even know such a thing existed...

Anyway, it appears that the answer to the question is, "Depends on the girl." Probably one of those things like chest hair or bald heads; I'd imagine it has a lot to do with her prior experiences with men (did all the guys she knew with large Adam's apples act kind of dorky? Or did she have a studly boyfriend before with a large Adam's apple who did crazy naughty things to her in the bedroom?).

Chase

Tyler's picture

Hey Chase,

I am recently out of a 2 year relationship and handled the break-up well.

I met a new girl and have already been intimate with her recentley. We fooled around on the first 2 times and finally closed within the 3rd time all at her place. My problem now is that I actually like this girl a lot. She has a boyfriend that she is having problems with but she very rarely brings him up. I never talk about him or talk about it when she brings him up. He lives 4 states down. She is just outside my social circle of people that I work with and sometimes hang out with and we both have been quiet because we hate drama.

Anyways after sex we haven't had sex. It's been 3 weeks I have been persistent, not chasing. I don't text back and forth with stupid witty things, or trying to be funny. We both have our own lives and been real busy. A lot of things have just happened with our own lives where it has been difficult to hang out. She has recently been testing me, a lot, and I know how to respond to tests. There has been a lot of last minute resistance.

I can only persist so much without being needy and I can't get her back to my place or go to her place. I've been smooth, suave, confident, and have very rarely ever had this problem. To get to the point, her boyfriend is coming up soon and she asked me if I wanted to hangout with her and him when he's up which is in 10 days. We were supposed to have dinner last week at her place and a movie and she had to cancel last minute and has made no effort to bring that back up. She only brought that up after I texted her back saying "I'm not really that interested, it was fun while it lasted". She then replies with "ok, me too, thanks. I hope we can be friends. I would still love to hang out and I owe you dinner :-)"

I haven't talked to her for 2 days. Today on her Facebook she had some unhappy posting about love and trust and other stuff which I feel is directed towards me. Honestly I feel bad for not being graceful but I feel that we had a connection, and that she knows now and certain, and I did everything to not be in friend zone, and I feel that she did not value me as a lover but as a way to make her man jealous as a test. She told a few weeks ago that she didn't care if he found out.

So, my question is, can I ever get back with this girl? Is it worth it even if i have to endure all the tests as she is feeling me out? Would telling her how disrespected I felt by her comment draw her in. I honestly think that she is going to break it off with her boyfriend, but she tried putting me through every test even if it meant disrespting me. I want to be her lover, not her friend. I want more with this girl and if I had the opportunity I know that I wouldn't be that guy that would make her feel that she would need to cheat.

I know this post is about breaking up, I ended the fling but I still want this girl. Can I recover after not being gracious about it?

-John

Author
Chase Amante's picture

John-

It's a weird situation, but it looks like you played things incorrectly after sex and she realized she could now string you along and keep you in reserve in the event she decided to break up with her boyfriend. And it worked! You've become more and more attached to her as you've pursued her more and more without getting additional satisfaction.

You might be able to turn it around, but there's already a lot of bad precedent set by the efforts to get back to sex after already having been there, but not getting there again. It's good that you pulled the plug when you did without letting it get worse, although you pulled the plug a little too hard - instead of saying, "I don't want to do this - but if you want ME, here are the conditions you need to meet," you just slammed the door shut and walked away, which limits your options quite a bit.

At this point, you can either take back what you said and chase after her hard - in which case, you're even more wrapped around her little finger and are snug as snug can be on the back burner until she figures out what she wants to do with her current partner or if she wants someone else (someone sexier, and harder to control) altogether... or not.

Or, you can try to make her jealous and get some preselection going on - get pictures up on social media of you and other girls, let it get back to her that you're hitting the dating pool, and try to get her to give chase.

At this point, because no openings were left when you walked away, ONE of you is going to have to break and chase if there's to be any reconciliation - if that's you, there's a 5 or 10% chance she eventually takes you back, and 90 to 95% chance she uses you for security or validation, and sticks with her boyfriend because he seems manlier / less needy, or picks someone else; if that's her, you can probably take her back, but there's a chance she doesn't chase. I'd put your odds of having her chase as maybe 30 or 35% if you can get some preselection going on and aren't either too big a jerk or too much of a pushover whenever the next time she contact you is - so, good chance it doesn't happen, but a not impossible chance it does.

Next time, with these kinds of things: be firmer in having her meet you on your terms to re-escalate to sex a separate time, and cut things off sooner if she won't go along with it, while leaving an opening for her to come back again later, like, "I really enjoy spending time with you, and I thought we had something amazing and special, but it feels like that's passed us by and you're more interested in the guy you've got now... I don't want to be an interruption to that, so I'll just step aside and let you get back to it." (side note: don't do that now, because you've already shut the window, and you'll look very weak coming back and changing your tune at this point after previously having given her the boot)

Chase

Wolf's picture

I always seem to make things seem way bigger than they are, I always blow things way out of proportion. I also have exaggerated actions, movement, and personality.
How do I stop?

Thanks Chase.

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Wolf-

Practice makes perfect - you must consciously work to slow down and control your movements and behavior. See these articles:

Chase

v's picture

Hey chase, I always seem to do dumb and clumsy things. How can I stop? Thank you!!!

Author
Chase Amante's picture

V-

Train yourself to slow down and take a moment before you do anything. In that moment, think about what you're about to do, and imagine what the likely effects of that action are.

If it still seems like the right thing to do, do it. If you do it and it doesn't work out, have a think on why. If it doesn't seem like the right thing to do, don't do it.

Chase

Gallaway's picture

Hey Chase,

Iv been dating a girl for 3 years, we have been staying together for 2years now but things aren't the same. She has started to drift and show less interest. Should I break up with her and if so how especially since we stay together? I'm still interested in the relationship but if things don't change then I don't want to continue. Thank you.

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Gallaway,

This is very common in long term relationships - it most normally happens around the 2-year mark, though can happen earlier - see this article on why it occurs: "The 2 Year Drop."

You can try some of the strategies in this article: "Self-Expansion and Growth in Relationships" to try and reinvigorate things. And bringing better sex into the relationship (see: "How to Be a Good Lover (and Give a Girl Orgasms)", "Make Her Orgasm Hard from Sex in 8 Minutes or Less", and "3 Steps to Help Her to Orgasm from Sex") can help, although this is more of a Band-Aid than a cure.

In most relationships over 2 years, the only real solution to the fading of interest seems to be having children; and if it's already past the drop, even this doesn't turn things around completely (if you don't want a drop off, it seems to be best to have these prior to the drop).

Once a relationship has hit the drop, you can try to turn things around... but it's nearly always fighting a losing battle. The best bet here may be sitting her down for a conversation, telling her it feels like neither of you are really all that into the relationship anymore, and letting her go - when the woman stops being into the relationship, it's usually a sign she's ceased respecting you as a man, and a lot of this subconsciously in long-term relationships is tied to having been with her for multiple years without having impregnating her, whether she knows / thinks she wants this consciously or not. This is not something you can really turn around with good talk or better sex - it's a fertility-related subconscious judgment by her animal brain. Short of having children - the thing that sexual relationships are designed to ultimately accomplish - you'll either need to cut things off yourself cleanly and abruptly, or let them gradually decline into a drawn out slow death... the quick death, in my opinion, being the preferable way out, with minimal damage to either party and a minimum of time wasted in a now-unfulfilling relationship.

Chase

Anonymous's picture

I started having doubts about my 1.5-year relationship with my girl about a month ago, and the urge to date other women kept growing. I started reading articles on this website and realized I could have any girl I want, and that finally made me decide to break up with her. We're both freshman in college doing kind of long distance (1.5 hrs apart) and my desire to date other women was becoming too strong.

I broke up with her over the phone, and basically she was begging me for just a little more time together, but I told her I didn't want to drag it out. This was extremely difficult, because I knew I was causing huge emotional damage to my best friend (her). I almost wanted to stay with her, but knew deep down my feelings for other women would return. So I left her and she was sobbing in despair.

I then read this article and realized I did everything wrong, and left her feeling as if she was not good enough to be with me. So I answered her call when she called me later, and I told her that I was the one not suitable for the relationship, and she's better off with someone who will be totally committed to her. I told her the relationship was great, but I wasn't the right guy for her any more. I couldn't accept her offer on the "let's try one more month" anymore, because I had already strongly said no, but at least at the end of that call, she was not crying anymore, already believing that I was really not that great if I wasn't commitment material anymore. The previous call I had also told her we would not be able to be friends anymore, and now I told her that we could be friends whenever she wanted, and that maybe we could even give it another shot someday, when there's better circumstances.

I thank you so much for putting up this article; I truly believe I ended the relationship in a much better way because of it, and she won't be nearly as devastated now and will get over me much sooner.

TL; DR: I broke up with my girl terribly and made her feel like she wasn't good enough, and after reading this article I talked to her again and ended things in a MUCH better way, so thanks.

IX's picture

Hi Chase,

My first comment on the site. I am fairly new to your blog, it is absolutely genius, lots of wisdom in it, I am big fan and frequent reader already.

Thanks for the read, fully agree. I want to ask about the reverse situation for the break up cause - when she makes an intolerable mistake and more so when she is from a wrong type (described below)

Bit of Background: very recently I dated & was crazy about this girl, who was very commitment-fearful/freedom-loving and the whole time was a crazy push-pull roller-coaster - whenever I was on top of my ballgame she was like dragged to a magnet, whenever I showed any weakness for any reason she crushed it HARD and detached – the whirlwind of chaos type of relationship you describe in the party girls article (which is one of the best articles by the way)

Frankly I loved the challenge, as by managing her, I was basically being the best me, yet was very energy draining experience, tough to maintain 24/7 and yes, quite destructive to my focus/mojo/etc. (not to mention she was many things you suggest to be cautious, like she was a party girl, very flirty with others, mix signal type, very dominant/adventurous (strong/experienced which I might be too), super hot/high social status/wealthy/intelligent/high flyer etc, etc and a master in game – and maybe that is what kept me as she was a constant challenge for me)

Anyhow, once she crossed the line & made me look like fool infront of friends by playing her detachment games, which was way too much and I just went to her and said piss off (using the F version)…I don’t regret it as she took me way too much for granted, who will move the world for her (previously did and tried it all, even won her back after she detached verbally once), yet enough was enough, can’t chase her forever…call it a day, heal your wounds, learn a lesson and make better mistakes tmr.

Even so, I think, I didn’t act so it was a good lesson for her, I definitely left her with no choice, didn’t even give her chance to explain herself and I’m not sure she even understood that her behavior was intolerable…I just burned the bridge within a second, I was tired of it, yet acted weak and lose-lose.

So what are your tips to break up in such situations / especially with such wrong type of girls (I know probably best is avoid doing it, not leave negative precedent,keep it positive & learn the fundamentals of the blog, yet while learning I am sure I will have many more situations like it).

Also how do you generally deal with such girls, do you play along (which is tiring), do you open up (which gives them even more power subconsciously as they feel chased) and what is the most win/win way to get to that subconscious respect of hers if she is of that type?

Thanks! Appreciate the time for the long read

Anonymous's picture

I write to you ask, whether lifestyle influences/factors establish moral grounds to part ways from a female perspective. I am within the military and my partner has once endured a relationship separation due to a deployment.

The toll resulted in her sustaining many emotional issues, I have healed those wounds overtime and I don't want her to suffer again. Another deployment is about to occur and I am not okay with maintaining a relationship with my partner. Would the truth suffice? Or, would it be wiser to lie and utilise the 'magic gone, or 'lust for women' choice? I would appreciate any advice.

Thanks friend...

gib's picture

hi chase, very good article.

I got here from a link from your cluster b article.

I know you say here in relation to keeping in contact
"if a woman hasn't committed an unpardonable offense against you, and you nevertheless aren't willing to keep her on in any capacity"
then you can't understand why you want to cut her out completely.

does this still apply to cluster bs?
she hasn't really committed a terrible offences, more like 100s of very small and some less small ones over time.

I do really feel bad about wanting to break up with someone who is very nice a lot, even most of the time, so I am trying to minimise her pain, but most advice on cluster bs semms more like "moive asll your stuff out while she's not there and changer your phone number " !

thoughts appreciated.
gib

Ali_1's picture

I've been waiting for an article that details how to properly break up with a girl. Thank you, Chase. This is extremely helpful.

Squat Endorphin's picture

Woah, I was going to take humongous hits of medical weed from my dispensary to give me the imagination and the opportunity to read as many articles or books as I can to break up seamlessly and not leaving with the biggest emotional scar headache posssible.
Thanks Chase, I’m in the game until I die.

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