Tactics Tuesdays: Destroy Your Own Learned Helplessness | Girls Chase

Tactics Tuesdays: Destroy Your Own Learned Helplessness

Chase Amante

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Chase Amante's picture

learned helplessness
Our society trains men to be helpless, for several of its own reasons. But it’s important you know helplessness is learned... not inborn.

Learned helplessness is the behavior shift that occurs when an animal or individual decides its situation is impossible to change. At this point, the individual decides he is helpless to affect the outcome, and simply gives up trying.

Some of the most tragic stories of crushed spirits come when you discuss learned helplessness. Animals who’ve been caged so long they won’t try to leave even if you leave their cage doors open. Prisoners who aren’t able to operate outside the penal system, so commit crimes to go back to the familiar comfort of the prison yard. And men who’ve been unsuccessful with women so long they don’t even try to meet them.

In a recent popular thread on our Beginners’ Forum, a forum member starts off by asking why women like dominant men and men who take the lead. But it quickly becomes clear his real issue is not a philosophical question of why women prefer dominant men, but an exploration of his desire for women, yet lack of motivation to take steps to meet, date, and sleep with them.

This article will not be about why girls desire dominance and leadership, per se. If you’d like more on those topics, see these articles:

Rather, this article will be about the phenomenon of learned helplessness in the modern male – where it comes from, who’s responsible for it, and what you can do to shake it off.

Comments

LostGuy's picture

Hey, Chase, wonderful article, yet I have one question, which partially relates to your question:
I call it a sugar dilemma. I'll explain why: Let's say you're sitting there in restaurant with your friends, yet you don't know where is sugar, where is salt. People around you pick these sugar and salt bowls, somehow knowing which is which. You sit there clueless HOW they know it. You decide to ask, yet... you're afraid they will call you out in a way "You don't know that shit??? Every child knows it."
I have the same trouble with many areas, like driving a bike and even with some basic tasks because loving parents did most of household stuff for me and I'm left with total basics. I can prepare some food for myself, but everyone around me knows it better. I'm always with some family members who prepare food, I'm significantly over 20 now and can't start dating because of this.

My question isn't about motivation, I know I need to learn some stuff and I learn as much as possible. My question is about socially savvy way to tell people "I am 25 and I don't know how to ride a bicycle yet" or some similar things. When I do tell they either laugh, or tell, but most of the time they laugh, because I usually hang out with pretty sarcastic (... passive aggressive maybe?) people, who can tell shit because they love to see me failing as it gives them feeling of power advantage.
It's bizzare. How to handle those sugar problems? It's like not being able to tell colleagues that I work for a long time and still don't know how to use kitchen equipment to prepare basic food, because I didn't do it yet there and at home stuff is different... It feels more and more scary to ask.
What are the ways to deal with it? Yeah, yeah, I know, I'm just a worker trapped in a scarcity mindset.
One way that works sometimes is "not a big deal way" question, yet blush or similar uncontrollable signals betray me more often than not. How to get it just right once and for all?

Anyway, I really think you should have more articles on concrete stuff. You talk mindsets and abstracts, because they are appliable in many situations but isn't this "victim mentality" stuff overdiscused? Why doesn't this site cover basics like "How to go to cafe with a girl", "How to open a girl in cafeteria", "How to pick the best dating place in your town"... More on earth things, like these. The people who wanted to read on it, already had.
More specific stuff would be useful. Of course those specifics need to explained with underlying reasons why they are that way, but after reading your site for a while I feel armed with mindsets, which work wonders through social media connections, yet in reality settings I don't know when it's right time to interrupt people talking, when it isn't and similar.

Author
Chase Amante's picture

LostGuy-

I suppose the best recommendation is "Just ask." And realize that you'll look a little silly the first few times, but then it's okay.

Often, if you tell people, "Hey, would you mind teaching me X? I know it sounds really silly, but believe it or not I never learned," they'll be surprised and excited, then happy to teach you. Lots and lots of people really enjoy teaching - it's fun, and they see it as doing a good turn and building the relationship.

I'm not sure why not knowing how to cook stops you from dating (maybe it's a cultural thing? Although I'm not aware of any cultures where men who can't cook can't date). But unless it's the signifier of manhood in your society, you can either tell your family members, "Hey, I realized I never learned to cook, and I need to. Is it okay if I help you prepare meals and you can show me how you do it?"

Or you just find a cute girl and say, "This is going to sound crazy, because I know in our society men are supposed to be the cooks... But I actually never learned. Are you any good as a cook? Could you cook with me sometime and show me how to do it?" Then you've got a teaching date, and you've got some cute girl who's excited to come teach you how to cook. Just like asking girls to teach you their language gets them excited (and gets you laid), asking them to teach you anything else can do this too. I've slept with girls on "teach me to cook X dish" dates before. You learn something new (or not... maybe you weren't paying much attention to the food), and take a new girl to bed as well.

We have TONS of articles here on concrete topics! The only reason we don't do more of them is we've covered so many of them it's hard to know what else to write about. If you have specific topics you'd like to see, please post; I'd be happy to add them to the article queue (or link you up the article if it's already posted).

Noted on the opening in cafeterias article. I love the "find the best place for a date in your town" idea; needed a topic for a podcast I want to add to our email Mini Course, and will make that this I think. I think the cafe one refers to taking a girl there for an instant date (e.g., just after you've met). Ricardus has this article, though I can probably go deeper into the subject. If that's not what you meant, let me know what you did mean, and I'll add it to the queue.

Chase

Mr.B's picture

This brought a tear to my eye!

Apparently, I'm depressed. Off to read that article.

I will add, I'd rather be depressed than a victim though (obviously a man of action being the greater choice)

Anyway, thanks for this... Such eery timing, too. Today, I sat in my car and drove rideshare with my elbow on the center console, hunched over barely keeping myself ALIVE. I had accepted no success. I was ready to be a zombie for good.

What steps, article-wise, do you recommend to move upward?

Forever grateful,

Mr. B

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Mr. B-

Yeah, you don't want to be a zombie. Real people have all the fun ;)

I'm not sure where you're starting out at, so I guess it will depend.

Perhaps start with this one:

... or this one:

If you need more or deeper help, I recommend either:

Or all of the above!

Chase

Rodrigo's picture

I felt an obligation to come here and tell you that this article of yours gave me fuel to stick to nofap this time... one of your best imo. I'm sure that you being a successful guy in many ways, with all your life and depression experience mixed together with your great expressive capability makes for something uniquely inspiring and possibly life changing to a lot of guys going through the same you went.

Cheers :)

someguy's picture

Thanks. This was very motivating. It´s good to hear this phenomenon of exhaustion is something you know and have found a way to deal with. Also not aiming for 100% on all times is a great one.
This article is well suited as it picks me up where I am, connecting with much I already knew and expanding on it.

Sam2's picture

Chase,

Thank you for another great article.

Do the ways to get over general helplessnessness, which you illustrate here, apply also to specific plateaus in a man's erotic journey?

I almost feel helpless in getting the last 25% of my erotic goals met. While I have long ago achieved general abundance with women in my country, the women I really want seem still elusive. I breath action in and out, I take risks like no one in my circle, I truly believe it is my responsibility to materialise my goals, and yet my dream women seem to remain out of reach.

To do something about it, I traveled abroad to Poland last week (I will write a detailed FR in the forum with my conclusions).

With only 12 approaches in 3 days, I almost had sex with a 19-year old model-type brunette whom I approached under broad daylight in a shopping mall. The girl was extremely close to my dream girl.

Why do you think I didn't get that close to my goals in my own city, but went so close with only 3 days abroad, in Eastern Europe? Is it some kind of placebo effect or are there real obstacles, in your opinion? If the obstacles are real, how can I overcome them?

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Sam-

Absolutely. Same basic mentality of knowing you won't always be on and using those tools to get past the humps.

I've noticed it's easy to get blinders on once you've been in a city for a while. After more than three months or so, most people stop searching out new places, go to the same ones over and over again, and become fixtures in those places and among those circles. They start to curtail too-outgoing behavior because they don't want to harm their reputations in their familiar places, and they become less excited about going out because they feel like they've tasted the best of what their place has to offer (that is within realistic reach for them, anyway), and they stop looking for it.

Go to a new city, though, and it has unlimited potential. Everywhere is new. It feels like there are infinite women, and each one is hotter than the next. You are completely anonymous and can operate with impunity. You're free.

The easiest way I've found to replicate this in a same-city experience is to continually explore new venues in a city and only to repeatedly frequent places you know you can get laid a lot. That way the only familiar places are ones you feel great about, and everywhere else remains relatively new and strange. If you didn't have a great time in a certain part of town or at a certain venue, for instance, after that first time, don't go there again for two or three months. By the time you return, your "new place" optimism should be back and you try it out with abandon again. If you get good results, now it can be one of your reliable places; if not, shelve it and try again 2 or 3 months later.

That's my general approach - it lets you gradually accrue a selection of reliable venues you can pull from, and over time you can end up flipping venues that were duds the first few times into the reliable category after you've approached them with a fresh perspective later on down the line.

Chase

Lawliet's picture

Hey Chase,

Your article is very comprehensive and complete! Thanks!

Question about arguments, what do you do when someone keeps on the offence?
Your article on moral superiority, to instead of defending yourself, you beat fire with fire.
But how do you win when they keep throwing the same fire at you, like a broken music box?

Me: I have to go home first though. I'm in a hurry.
Friend 1: I'll go first and you can come back and pick me up.
Friend 2: Ok
Friend 1 leaves.
Friend 2 (drives off): We waited the whole day as you shopped and you can't wait for us for a few minutes?
Me: You're right. Let's wait and leave together.
... he keeps driving
Me: let's go back, wait together
...yet keeps driving
Me: Why aren't you turning back? I said you have a good point.
Him: we're already out too far, now you suggest to turn back? Come on.
Me: I said it immediately after you complained. What's the point of you complaining if it wasn't intended to fix the situation
Him: I'm saying, because I now know what kind of person you are.
Me: Let's go back.
Him: I can't believe you're such a one way street.
Me: I suggested to stay the moment you complained. You continued going, it's not my fault.
Him: I just know what kind of person you are now.
Me: You're stubborn and making a fuzz just to prove a point. We could be back there waiting.
Him: We waited for you yet you wouldn't wait for us!

Dafaq...

My transcript sounds jumpy, but when he said it, it somehow worked and flowed.
He just keeps attacking despite of me pointing out how I already agreed and suggest to go back, but he didn't.
He just keeps repeating or rephrasing his same point of attack.
From that point on, it feels who ever stops talking, is the losing party, undominant.

This makes me wonder, if a woman does the same thing, continues complaining the same thing no matter what logical response you give or point out flaws in their argument. It's as if your efforts are wasted and they... just keep firing the same thing at you. I'm stumped by this one.

Interesting, have you came across anything similar or related type of situation?
Please share your stories since they're always informative and enjoyable :)
and also how you dealt / and would deal with this one.

Fire to beat fire, but when their fire remains on the offence, what can we do then without arguing for a millennium?

p.s. I sound super formal, as if we just met. Weird. Too mind f*** from the incident I guess!

Thanks,
Lawliet

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Lawliet-

Well, you were the 'difficult one' here - made them wait for you to arrive, and then had to book early. So he has the de facto moral authority. However, he's just being whiney and bitchy about it, while you tackled it fairly effectively, up to a point. When he said "Now I know what kind of person you are", that's the point where you seize moral authority and say, "Oh really? What kind of person is that?"

Then he'll say something and you'll say, "That's ridiculous. Because I am in a hurry today I am a bad person ALL of the time. Dude, quit being such a nag. Go back and we'll wait for Friend 1, I already said my bad for rushing you. Or don't go back but quit riding my nuts so hard."

After that he just went full womanly. The only way to deal with womanly behavior is either to shag the heck out of the other person and make her happy or, in the event it isn't someone you want to shag (like a buddy, for instance), you just yell at her. "Oh my GOD dude, you are such a woman right now! What the hell! Are you having your period or WHAT is going on? Did Diana put her strap-on in you this afternoon? What the heck is your deal right now?" Same deal as in the blame game article. Just lay the pressure on until the real issue comes out.

Chase

Daniels's picture

The reality is that innate qualities determine what results you get from taking action.For example, a guy with severe social anxiety can force himself to talk to strangers untill the cows come home, but theyre not going to ever become comfortable, and theyre not ever going to get good at conversation.No matter how many girls they approach, they will always be awkward and clumsy.This is a result of both genetic factors, as well as deep seated emotional traumas that simply cannot be healed with therapies, or adjustments to thought patterns.The reality is that you cannot reverse the effects of childhood conditioning, the effects of early childhood experiences are irreversible and lifelong.If you actually talk to a trained phsychologist, they will tell you there is no cure for social anxiety.It is a chronic condition that can be managed at best.Someone who "manages" their social anxiety is never going to attract women.And if your not good looking? Forget about it.Ive consistently proven overs years, decades, of experiments that women steer well clear of less attractive looking men, no matter what other attributes they may posess.Women are in fact far more fussy than men when it comes to looks, which is at odds with the garbage that pick up artists peddle.

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Pseudoscientific mumbo jumbo. I am a walking contradiction of your belief set. As are a great many of the students and readers of this site.

I suppose you're new here, and may not realize what you've stumbled across. To help catch you up to speed:

Chase

Don's picture

I'm also a living contradiction of what you assume Chase. I smoke weed every day, play video games, and masterbate and guess what, I still fuck hot girls, alot. You give alot of good information to us guys but here your repeating the same lies our feminist society is about human behavior. A man who's life's derailed because of pleasurable things like weed or even sex was never a real man all along. Your just giving weak men excuses and false hope. If marijuana lowers your IQ then explain to me why Carl Sagan, Mark Twain, Steve Jobs and Benjamin Franklin were all considered genius's. Your Bro science FAILS here. SMV is all that matters. If weed and video games effects that, then your just weak. Excuse me now while I get my dick sucked in the girls dorm while playing GTA V.

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Not sure if you're the author of the comment I just responded to.

If so, moving the goal posts / special pleading. "I play weed and girls still suck my dick" has nothing to do with the original argument, which you did not address.

If not, you need a great deal more time in both logic and rhetoric class. "If marijuana lowers your IQ, how do you explain genius marijuana smokers?" is no different from "If HIV is a terminal illness, how do you explain living people with HIV?" I half suspect you were stoned when you wrote this.

The rest of your comment is Internet bravado mixed with "this stuff doesn't work."

To the bravado, I'm not impressed. Accusations of me being a feminist, after you just told our readers, effectively, to just be themselves and if it's meant to be it will be, are classic feminist Saul Alinsky tactics: accuse the enemy what you yourself are guilty of.

To the "this stuff doesn't work" part, go test it yourself. And report back.

If you apply yourself, your entire "people can't change their results" mindset is going to die - and something way better will take its place.

And if you don't? I'm not here to help everybody.

Just the ones who want it.

For the ones who don't, there's always Tumblr and Buzzfeed.

Chase

BothRight's picture

Guys, Chase... You're kinda right. I don't know how much of these expressive comments are real, and how much are just trolling, but the stuff Daniel/Don describes - happens.
Chase, they're not that bad at logic, but more or less they use slightly different logical approach.
For example that "I play weed and girls still suck my dick" has to do the thing with original comment, because you tell men should give up porn, should give up addictions and man up, but these commenters are still immersed in these addictions, and... they get results with girls.
If they're not trolls (even if they are), I can see that their wild rebellious minds is the thing that really get them hook ups even when they spend other time playing video games and smoking weed, they don't do it because of depression (like "weak" guys), but because they chill out this way. They get results and they don't care that much about "how to talk to a girl" when they're already banging them. They're not playing "I'm helpless man" game.
Which is part of what you teach, Chase - being unpredictable, mysterious guy who is courageous enough to take action... and they do it. They go to hunt girls, when they want some, and they get them, because of doing the stuff you talk about - not investing too much in a one special girl, going out and actually trying to attract them. There's not much in their comments that collides here with what you teach.
Now about the core argument - can people unlearn helplessness, which Chase says you can, and Daniel - you can't.
Well, from my observation it's that you can, but you should let yourself believe that you can, which is catch-22 for people who think they're helpless. Once you emulate actions and reactions that successful people do often enough, you might see that you don't differ that much from the ones who are "naturals" at it. Yet you might still revert back to awkward you on the situations you didn't learn to handle (yet), especially - if you don't believe that you're worth being awesome.
Dudes who get out of awkwardness get into social environments where they place themselves with people who believe in a personal improvement and that the awkwardness is just a learned state, then they can unlearn it.
Dudes who don't (most of the world, sadly) - run into the same and same people every day and when these same people "know" they are awkward, these guys just can't get out of their shells, because they've been seen awkward and that's the auto response their brain creates around these people - especially when push comes to shove and this way they become awkward again, than you have nothing else, but think that this is just part of your being, which is why most people stay in shells forever.
It's possible to deal with it too even when people around you are saying "you will stay shit forever", but it takes significantly more awareness, than just becoming part of the team, where awkwardness is not even a choice and soon you even forget that you had one, until you play with being "cool" enough that this becomes your nature.

Deep seated emotional beliefs are hard to reverse, just like forgetting a girl you put a lot of thought in - you can't just let it go that easily - but it IS possible to revert them. If some weak guy places himself in social situations that constantly approve him that he is a weak guy, he won't even think it's possible to think the other way, and when he sees successful people he still thinks "they are not like me at all", which could be him, had he done the right things.

What I would actually see as the core problem to why people who approach a lot of people, but remain awkward and scared, is that they think, that the one who mastered social arts is no longer afraid of ANYTHING. The one who leads, never fails...?
Hell, no...
It isn't like that, social arts master is still afraid of some stuff, leaders do bad decisions on times, yet they usually are the ones who possess the best tools and knowledge how to spring back from these failures and win again.
It's impossible to count how many guys never approach girls, because they think the guys who succeed are perfect at it - yet they aren't, they're just better at fighting these failures, they just don't care about rejections too much and are busy with getting new results.

SZ's picture

I am glad you explained what a mission was to me.

I thought a mission was just trying to do something big like, try to save the world, or something super hard to achieve and that's it.

So I guess I have some missions? let me know if these would count.

I have been obsessed lately trying to build my body better.

1. I am working on building the best body of my life in the next 6 months.

2. I will have my own business before the end of next year. I will be my own boss and work when I want before the end of next year.

3. I will sleep with over 200-300 girls within a few years.

I didn't know missions could be small, achievable goals.

So those 3 can help me with my life and the vibe with women?

My next question is an important one.

How do you develop the confidence that you will not waste your time when trying to achieve a mission?

You know what everyone has big dreams for themselves, some try their hardest, but fail, some just quit.

So Chase, did you know you were going to succeed with this from the start? or did you have many doubts and fought them any way?

How did you know that you wouldn't waste time?

I ask because I know everyone wants to be something, but only a few make it, how do I Development the confidence and mentality that I will make it?

I'm a very risk-free person, but have tried to take more risk everyday.

Shit, I took a risk along time ago and moved away to an area where I'm still struggling at, but I'm glad I took that risk because I enjoy my life, and met many amazing people, and this great website. I don't think I would have ever found this website if I didn't move.

My biggest problem right now with starting a business, are my doubts.

I am afraid to waste time on a risk that might not work, where I can be focusing on a plain job and moving up.

I'm worried if I embark on having my own business, I will waste time and not grow in life.

I feel I'm not smart enough, I am almost done with college, but I don't feel that gives me an advantage.

I would just like to know what your thought process was for when you went to create your business and what I could do as well and not fear of wasting time.

Thanks Chase!

Author
Chase Amante's picture

SZ-

I suggest you pick ONE (1) mission and make that your focus. If you're super committed to an Adonis-like body, business and women will take a backseat. If you're super committed to great business success, exercise and woemn will take a backseat. If you're super committed to hundreds of lays, exercise and business will take a backseat. You can still do the things you want to do, but you won't be exceptional at all of them, all at once. It will take huge amounts of effort and most of your focus to become great at one.

Any of those certainly counts as a mission though. If you're obsessed with building a better body right now, I'd keep that as my primary focus and understand that the others are secondary / tertiary, so don't get too upset about them. Once your body is in crazy shape, you can rotate that mission down and move another one up into obsessive focus.

Knowing you'll succeed - yeah, there's a certain amount of faith. And then there are doubts too, but you try not to let those get in the way. The real thing to me though is embracing the limitations of your own expeirence, having a series of steps you are following, and just following them.

For me with anything I take on it's, "Okay. It looks like if you do A, B, and C you get victory. So I'm going to go do A, B, and C. And then we'll see where my results are at the end." You get the moments of doubt before you've accomplished A, B, and C where you say, "Man, I don't know if this is going to work," but you shelve it and say, "Well, there's no way I can know until I've finished A, B, and C. So let's stay the course and we'll see where we end up."

Most people are too sure of themselves. "Well, it feels like I'll never get there so I guess I'll never get there." There's a very large ego in that sentiment, in which this guy feels like he KNOWS, even though he has not experienced.

The most successful men, in my experience, are the ones who study a lot, map out a probable path to victory, and then just follow that path until they reach the end and find out if it got them where they hoped it would or if it took them somewhere different. The unsuccessful are the ones who give up midway through because they haven't experienced success before, can't imagine it, and aren't able to conceive of the limitations of their own lack of experience.

As for wasting time on business, if that's your fear you're probably not ready for it yet. Go study business more, and when you get that feeling of, "Yes! This is what I have to do!" or at least, "Okay, yes. It's time now," then it will be time to make that your focus.

Also, suggestion: don't look for jobs or businesses. Look for a FIELD. Get great at the field, and you can do anything you want in it. (and before you ask "Chase, what fields should I..." --> go check out my forum posts on finding work, I've linked them to you a bunch of times already ;)

Chase

Henry's picture

ya me personally I've always resented masculinity with a huge passion

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