What's It Take to Attract and Date Younger Women? | Girls Chase

What's It Take to Attract and Date Younger Women?

Chase Amante

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Chase Amante's picture

In Part I of this series on dating younger women, we addressed some of the bigger questions on the subject: do younger women actually like older men; are older men who date younger women 'dirty'; are younger women dating older men all gold diggers?

younger women

Some of the conclusions we came to include these:

  • Age is nature's proving grounds for male mate quality: a younger male is selected on the merits of his promise and potential; an older male, meanwhile, is selected on the degree of his proven, achieved success

  • There's a huge difference between exceptional older men, and ordinary older men - the former being most or all of fit, healthy, confident, charismatic, high status, and financially well-off; the latter being none or few of these

  • A woman's mating preferences are: top - proven (exceptional) older man; middle - unproven but promising younger man; bottom - unproven and unpromising younger man (creepy guy) and ordinary (unexceptional) older man (dirty old man)

  • Because most older men fall into the "ordinary older men" paradigm (ordinary is the norm, after all), most older men are not especially attractive to younger women, thus the 'dirty old man' wrap that some people are quick to label older men interested in younger women with

  • Most real-life older man / younger woman couples are actually two decent, normal, attractive people happy and comfortable with each other and reasonably proud of each other - not many are the rich guy / gold digger couples modern popular media seems so eager to paint them as

While the previous article was about answering the higher level questions - what's with the pushback in the West against older men dating younger women? Do women find older men attractive or not? Why would a woman choose an older man when she could have a younger one? - in this article, we focus on the how-to.

How to date younger women, that is.

So, grab your walking canes, gentlemen, and let's talk about the mechanics of meeting, dating, sleeping with, and having relationships with younger women when you're an older man (and a little bit about this if you're a younger man, too).

Oh, and if you haven't read it yet, do check out Part I here, as well: "Dating Younger Women: Does It Make You 'Dirty'?"

Onwards, then.

Comments

Anonymous's picture

Awesome article Chase.

I've searched round the forums a number of times but I can’t for the life of me seem to find a particular thread! In it somebody asks you whether you want to have kids someday. Could you send me a link or even better tell me your views here?

You've mentioned that you’re not really doing monogamy presently; do you think you will again at some point or do you consider it mostly pointless now? In fact do you consider monogamy, not necessarily lifetime, but monogamy nonetheless, worth it for anyone?

If you are, or were monogamous, do you ever specifically tell girls/answer if they ask you, that you’re going to be faithful or do you leave it mysterious. Or is it different for particular situations, and if so what do you do for which?

Thanks

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Anon-

As far as my personal views, I think children are more or less a necessary part of a life well-lived. I think you also sort of owe it to your predecessors; there's been an unbroken line of descent of successful reproductions from the first strand of self-replicating RNA all the way down 3.2 billion years later to you... would kind of suck to be the one to break the chain, no? (I think it's still possible to live a good life sans reproduction, but you've really got to contribute to the species in a non-insignificant way; Nikola Tesla and Isaac Newton are a couple of great examples)

On me being monogamous to a single woman, I'm not so much a fan, but when I am in monogamous / semi-monogamous situations, I prefer to keep a girl guessing... I'll answer questions or accusations with (overly emphatic) things like, "I would NEVER do that!" with a smile and a wink (figuratively speaking), or, when girls ask me if I'm going to hurt them (which I'm commonly asked), I'll answer with, "I'll try my best." Basically, no promises, though I will sometimes pay lip service to what she wants to hear while implying with my tone of voice that I don't really mean it / I am not someone to be completely trusted.

Women who doggedly pursue strongly exclusive monogamy and won't take a half answer for an answer I will either break up with, or temporarily grant full monogamy to if I really like them and don't have much need to meet more women at the moment. As soon as my disposition changes, though, so as not to break my word and hurt them as little as possible, I will inform them I can no longer do monogamy, and part ways.

Chase

Anonymous's picture

Hi Chase! Great post. Your site has been VERY helpful not just for getting better with women but for getting better at everything,no kidding.

Basically i was always a beta guy who still attracted girls etc, but with your help it's now much easier and quite frankly much more fun and relaxed. I used to suffer from social anxiety but ever since i read your opinions on life and women, that it's better to not wait for things but get them and be relaxed,dominant and constantly take action, life's much better. So thanks!

Anyway, i wanted to request:
1) A post about hairstyles

2)A post about mixed signals. I know you've already done this but another one more detailed and with more examples would be great.

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Anon-

Thrilled to hear it! Amazing how a few tweaks can more or less change the thrust of your life, ain't it?

Hairstyles - duly noted. It's high up on my list of articles to-do - long overdue at this point, I realize.

On mixed signals - could you be a bit more specific on what specifically the other article didn't cover that you'd like to see covered? Here's that one again if you've forgotten:

Mixed Signals from a Girl: What These Mean

Chase

James1's picture

Great article chase. Just want to say that this site has lifted me up quite a bit from a guy who could get a good amount of decent looking girls to a guy who can get a large amount of exceptional looking women. My question is whether you think as an older male its harder to stay out of boyfriend zone. I'm only 30 so not that old, but find that I'm having a harder time getting back to a woman's place on the first date. (The fact that I don't have a place of my own in the place I'm dating doesn't help either). I'll walk a girl home but have a hard time getting past making out outside her apartment on a first date. It definitely happens, but not with the frequency I'd like. :). I feel like anytime I try to disqualify myself as a boyfriend I also add separation that makes a girl think all I want to do is sleep with her. Anyway any advice is much appreciated.

-James

Author
Chase Amante's picture

James-

It is more difficult for older men, yes. Much of it's simply because you're going to be higher value by default, and (presumably) much closer to an age you'd want to settle down at than a younger man is.

Some things that help can be being divorced (communicates you're probably not best-suited for long-term commitment), having children (women go kind of nutty for guys who've successfully managed to reproduce... it's an easy form of preselection), or from out of the country and not staying, or a frequent traveler who isn't around much. Being married or in a relationship already can do the trick too (if you're already attached, you're not good for much more than a quick fling). If you don't have any of these going on, it's a good bit harder... you're basically a single, eligible bachelor with no real reason she shouldn't boyfriend-zone him.

You might be better off lying and saying you're in a relationship right now... you can always tell her you're single later, and that that's just a fib you tell girls so they won't get too attached (she'll love this, because women lie to men about having boyfriends all the time too).

You can also just be really vague about your relationship status, and refer to female "friends" of yours you were hanging out with one-on-one in offhand remarks here and there, so that she wonders if you're attached or not. Done right, this can work to keep you out of boyfriend territory too.

Chase

Anonymous's picture

I know its off topic but i have a problem that needs solving..

Sorry for being it long though.

I have been dating a girl for a week or so making out in the process, went out with her sister and her sisters boy and afterwards came back to my place.

Within the first 5 minutes, i started kissing and tried escalating and got rejected 4 times, with her asking "Don`t you think its to fast?" with me replying " the speed is right, or are you smiling for some other reason?"

After the 4th attempt of mine she stood up and decided to leave but not after 5 or so minutes after we continued making out just a bit more.

She then left and i knew something went sideways.

The next day i called her and i knew she was pissed.. She told me she usually goes cold on guys like that, who move that fast.
I tried persuading her to calm down and to reconsider, with her stating she was still a VIRGIN.

Three days later we talked and i tried to make her reconsider me, by telling her what she means to me, offering high value without pumping it also telling her that i am not a bad guy ( really i am not a bad guy )

We then decided to leave things cool off for a while and after 4-5 days later i tried calling her, she did not respond.

2 hours later i receive a text with her saying that it is best for us to stay as friends, that she does not want to lie to me, that she has been in contact with her ex for 2 days and does not know what will happen. At the end of the text she says "we`ll see each other".

Now at the time i tried calming things down, stating that i was underrated in her eyes and that she used me just to get back to her ex ( implying i am vulnurable ).

2 days later i sent a text to her sister in an attempt to let them know that i won`t give up on her and that going back to her ex means no good for her and that i only want whats best for her.

We cooled of a bit and a week later i re-engaged with SMS and later on via Facebook. She started smiling again and everything was okay, she even gave me a green light for me to call her.

But here is what bugs me.

She tells me to call her from monday to thursday ( and those days she is on vacation with her sister and 2 girlfriends ).

Now i was thinking at first "does this mean that if i call her on friday or saturday that she will be with her ex and it could mean trouble if i call then?"

Or simply because she might be busy with her family agricultural work ??

I thought what the heck i`ll call and build some rapport.

And so did, i called today and she told me they come back from vacation on Friday morning or afternoon, which is as i expected.

Now at the end of the call i told her i will call her from monday onwards as i am going on a vacation myself on Thursdray.

She did say OKAY, but what does this mean exactly ?

Is she trying to get back with her ex and simultaniously trying to make me pay for what i did?

Or did things die down with her ex, so now she chooses me ?

Or is it possible that she uses "getting back to her ex" to try and see my intents and whether i will let go or keep fighting for her ?

Now usually i won`t go this far, but this girl means a lot to me and i do want to turn things around.

At this point i am rather desperate, especially for this girl that i want in my life.

She is 18, a virgin, but that does not mean a lot to me.

Also is it a good idea to tell her something liek this: "The fact that you are a virgin does not mean much for me, i value you for other reasons ( intelligence, beauty etc ) ??

Is it a good idea telling her that her virginity means nothing to me ??

This site has helped me a lot, and i am forever grateful and thankful, i just need this help on this situation.

Sorry for the long comment but i need help here and i need it fast ....

Regards.

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Anon-

She rebuffed your advances and shut you down, and sounds as though she's rotated you into the friend zone (see the article on second dates - specifically the part about failed escalations - to understand why this happened).

The best thing you can do here is have one (1) normal "rebuilding rapport" phone call and then call or text her to meet... if she says "no," it's not going anywhere.

Usually when you try escalating to sex and fail, it's done. Maybe 15% of the time you can eventually sleep with the girl, but only if you handled things very well and very low effort at the end as she was leaving. She needs to leave with a good feeling, not one where she goes cold.

Because you're chasing now, and you're calling while she's telling you she wants to be just friends, I'd recommend having a read through these articles to get refreshed on the situation:

Chase

Anonymous's picture

Yes Chase i read those articles even before i escalated and failed.

The thing is though, she tries to get back with her ex, so what i was wondering why is she keeping me in play ?

I sent a rather unique text to her sister telling her that she will make a mistake if she goes back to her ex, and that i do not want her to lose me.

Could it mean that this text worked, and now she turns her attention towards me ?

Anyway can you answer this for me.

Is it a good idea to tell her that her virginity means less/nothing to me, that i value her for other reasons ( naming those reasons ) ???

Thanks again, really glad to have this site.
I enjoy reading your work.
Keep it up.

Anonymous's picture

You mentioned three kinds of older men that get women. A sort of spunky one, a smooth one, and a brooding one. Can we younger men use these as well?

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Anon-

Yes, absolutely! Types are ageless... just referring specifically to older men I've seen make these types work, for the folks reading the article thinking, "Bah, *I* don't think a guy with X kind of personality can make this work with younger girls!"

Chase

Anonymous's picture

Hey Chase great article.

Was hoping you could answer a few questions I have.

Is having money the most important factor when it comes to dating younger women? Can you do it without money?

When it comes to relateability do you believe that it is possible to find much younger women (late teens early twenties) who you can relate to as an older man and connect with? Or is it just the case that they are too young and have no life experience to be able to relate to you with?

When it comes to girlfriends how do you keep them interested after a long time together? Is it just that once that honeymoon period and spark has passed it won't be comming back?

Finally I was reading your article on male scent and found it very interested that as you become a sexier man and find dealing with girls stress free it's more efficient not to wear deodrant or cologne. I believe it is the testosterone/pheromones in male sweat that girls are attracted too. However what is an acceptable ammont of time to go without showering etc before talking to girls? I workout every morning and work a sweat which I'm sure has its effect on women, but as the hours in the day go by does that musk start to lose its effect?

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Anon-

On money, I wouldn't say it's the most important factor - solid fundamentals has this beat easily. There are plenty of portly, awkward older men with loads of money who couldn't get anything under 30 other than a gold digger to save their lives, and plenty of debonair older men who may not be as well-to-do but are able to do more than all right with younger women. However, you do need SOME kind of confidence coming from success, and money / business success is one of the most common of these. You might also have achieved a high rank in the military, or launched a popular restaurant or bar (even if it hasn't made you rich), or published a few books (even if you didn't make as much as J.K. Rowling)... anything that confers some prestige of accomplishment.

On how well you match... I've seen a few older guy / girl in her teens or early 20s matches where they relate fairly well, but these tend to be where the man himself is very young at heart (almost a Peter Pan) and the girl is very old at heart - usually from poverty and a rough childhood. In these cases though, the woman very commonly ends up breaking the man's heart eventually.

On relationship maintenance - self-expansion helps. If you want to avoid the 2 year drop, you've usually got to have children by then, or sometimes earlier, depending on how into you she is (the less strongly, the sooner). There's also the alternative of selecting a low sex-drive woman - the lower a woman's sex drive is, the less demanding she is in the relationship and the more easygoing. Women who repress their emotions are also likely to last longer without children / solid progress, but they aren't necessarily happy about it, and they're liable to explode if it goes on too long.

On musk - really depends on how strong your scent is. I have a pretty light scent, for instance, so I can go days without showering and it's fine. Some men have very strong scents, and these can become overpowering if they go a day or more without washing during the summer / when they've worked out. The best thing you can do here is test - test going certain amounts of time without showering, and pay attention to how well (or not) women respond to you. For me personally, my worst responses come right after I've just showered.

Chase

Wolf's picture

Can you please explain to me chase why my mother and I always argue with each other? I love her to death and she knows I do and I know she loves me to death also. We've always had each others backs and talk about everything in life, but for some reason we argue a lot and sometimes she just annoys me for no reason. I wanted to know why we argue, how can it stop, and does this have an affect with women in my life?

Thank you good sir

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Wolf-

Arguments invariably stem from communication breakdowns. When two sides are flying past each other in what they're communicate, they'll fight. Basically, she wants you to do one thing; you want to do something else. If you really understood WHY she wants you to do the thing she wants you to do, and she really understood why you DON'T want to do that thing and instead want to do something ELSE - REALLY understood it, from an "I get your motivation and feel it and it makes sense and I totally agree why you want this" perspective, and you both need to do this - the argument gets solved.

I'd recommend reading Dale Carnegie's How to Win Friends and Influence People - you'll never look at arguing the same way again.

Chase

Matt's picture

Before I carry on and read this, will this article be useful for someone in their early 20s who wants younger women (late teens) or is this more directed to the middle aged guys?

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Matt-

Skim down near the end to the sub-section entitled "Notes on Dating Younger Women as a Younger Man."

Chase

Anonymous's picture

Why do older men like younger women anyway? (I'm in my 20's so I can't empathize with them) but say for example that a man is 50...why is he more attracted to a 27 year old vs a 35 year old or 40 year old? Is it because the younger women more susceptible to his charms than their older counterparts? Easier targets? Or is because of physical beauty (women who are 27 tend to look more youthful and more attractive than their older counterparts?)

From my point of view (and I'm open to other POVs), being in my late twenties, I always liked older women than me...maybe 2 to 10 years older. Usually I wouldn't know they were older until after I started talking to them and was already attracted to who these women were as people. One reason for the attraction was because I'm an inquisitive chap, I felt like I could relate to/learn from/teach an older, more accomplished woman (who also due to her age didn't play the kind of mind games that younger girls tend to play). Another reason was that when I'd find out she was older than me, my attraction would go in to overdrive because of the sense of accomplishment of potentially bagging a sexy, older, accomplished chick. An ego boost. Also, an older woman tended to be more mature (to me) in terms of her physical looks, body, dress, style than younger girls, which added fuel to the fire. Finally, it was always an interesting challenge to see if an older woman would become submissive to me, a younger dominant man. These kind of things are just sexy to me for reasons I cannot explain. My heart simply palpitates and inspires me to try.

So in my mind (as a late-twenties chap), younger girls just weren't on my radar. Not even 27-year olds...as you mentioned in your article (although I don't think I'd have any qualms about trying a thing and seeing what happened with younger women.) In fact 9 times out 10, the woman who caught my eye due to her looks, smarts, insights, accomplishments, appreciation of culture and travel, ability to hold deep conversation about various things, personality, and so on, tended to be older than me. Just how things played out...it's not like I asked them their age at the onset of the conversation...sometimes I didn't even ask them their age at all until way after things led to other things.

But a long time ago when I cared more about the outcome and I debated who to target (older-vs-younger) I remember what I felt at the time -- disgust -- from speaking to younger women than me that had all these super high standards of what they want in a man, even though the most (though not all) of the ones that I met didn't measure up to half the standards they held dear to their chest. So it felt to me at the time like I'd be the one providing more value to them than they were to me -- a one-sided transaction -- in return for sex. And let's be real sex isn't that hard to get, so for me I had no compelling reason to try to seduce younger girls than me... even though I could tell some were quite attracted to me. If I had to do it again, I think I'd try to override my emotions and try hard to can the snob attitude and add more reference points with younger women.

But anyway since I was not as attracted to younger women (vs older ones) for reasons mentioned above, I'd like some insight into why many men in the older-generation like younger girls in the first place. Girls young enough to be their daughters. I spoken to enough women to hear them complain about older men all the time...I've even mentioned what if he's in shape, and accomplished, and to that I almost always hear the same answer "ewww he's old enough to be my father!!" But maybe it's true what you said about social status/reputation/societal ramifications...who knows what those women who bash older men in public are really thinking in private??

And since you touched on younger women and what to do with them if you're older, how about providing some insights on the opposite -- how to approach an older/mature woman/m.i.l.f. if you are a younger man? What are the taboos involved? Do mature/established single women really consider younger men as long term prospects? Say she's 35 and he's 26? I've had older women tease me about being young enough to be their cub and I simply tease them right back and tell them they're just afraid that I'll wear them out...younger guys don't need Cialis. When I say these kind of bold things to them then all the BS/awkwardness goes right out the window. I guess they realize I'm not into to walking on eggshells/playing games and those that are open for anything with me simply smile and start flirting heavily/shit-testing to see if I'm full of shit or if I can maintain, and the others who aren't interested still smile but politely excuse themselves/encourage me to find a woman more open to my charms. But the way I've been rejected by older women has usually been very low-key, very social savvy, and rejection like that is easy... no hard feelings at all. I just smile and ask why couldn't all rejection be as easy as this?

As always,
Thanks for your insights.

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Anon-

It's part lack of baggage, part pure base human physiology. Younger women can reproduce; older women cannot. Younger women also produce a higher percentage of healthy eggs, are more likely to carry a fetus to term and not miscarriage, have lower incidences of birth defects in their offspring, and are more easily impregnated than, say, pre-menopausal women in their mid- to late-30s. The younger she is, the more years of fertility she has left on her clock.

Baggage-wise, younger women simply don't have all the accumulated years of broken promises and unmet expectations that older women drag behind them into new relationships. They have an optimism and lack of cynicism that can be quite refreshing to a man who's been around too many cynical older women who've been single for far too long.

Your mentioning of disgust with younger women is auto-rejection; it's the mind's way of protecting itself from presumed impending rejection by preemptively becoming the rejecter. Your brain seems to have come to believe that younger women will reject you as "not good enough," so you've become disgusted with them, and enamored with older women, who tend to be significantly easier to take to bed for most men than younger women are, and, as you note, are more socially refined and, thus, better at taking care of your emotions than clumsier younger women are.

Normally, most men forge through the seeming abuse, figure out that it's just blunt / unrefined younger women, and laugh it off and take the girl to bed and then it's all water under the bridge. It sounds like there were available older women around when you were learning women though who acted as an escape valve; rather than have to learn how to get women your age, you were able to escape to an easier-to-get demographic of women (this can also happen with, say, white men who learn to get Asian women or black women before white women, who are frequently harder for white men to get than black or Asian women; they end up being permanently bitter toward white women, because they never learned how to get them, and having a permanent affection for black/Asian/whatever women, because those women 'saved' them from loneliness).

On dating older women, see this article: "Younger Men and Older Women."

Some older men are open to considering younger men as long-term prospects, but it's normally a relatively small segment of them. If you can give them a great and rewarding relationship, they'll often be guarded, but open. The main fear is abandonment - it's fine when she's in her mid-30s and you're in your mid-20s, but a woman's looks fade fast between 35 and 40, and when she hits 40 she'll be fast on the decline in her attractiveness, while you'll be just coming into your own as a much more attractive and in-demand 30-year-old man. Most older women are aware of this - probably more aware of it than you are just yet.

Chase

Anonymous's picture

"Your mentioning of disgust with younger women is auto-rejection; it's the mind's way of protecting itself from presumed impending rejection by preemptively becoming the rejecter."

It wasn't a fear of rejection that caused it. Fear of rejection is always there at all times to varying degrees because any woman at any time can reject you regardless of her age, race, or origin. The only way to deal with it is to try, persist, and if you fail try again and again with other people. You've mentioned time and time again that women you took as your girlfriends had advanced degrees, were strong willed, and so on. Somehow they appealed to you more so than other women. Would you say that you "auto-rejected" the demographic of women that you failed to take as your gfs because you feared that they'd reject you?

To me the younger girls were easier to get than the older women with advanced degrees/careers, etc. The younger girls were more attracted to older men than themselves vs men of equal age or younger. But what I came to learn very quickly was that I wasn't nearly as passionate toward nor stimulated by the younger demographic vs the older demographic. It wasn't just about the sex or upping my numbers. If it was just about sex then I'd be indifferent to age. It was was about the experience, the emotions, the insight, the knowledge, the culture, the connection, the conversation, the charm. And almost universally, younger women that I'd meet I felt like "yeah, she's cool, but she isn't going to last more than a few days/weeks. Maybe we can just be friends or something." And so it got to the point where I wanted to stop feeling that way toward women. Instead, I wanted to meet some that I wanted to keep around because I had strong feelings for them. And for me, the older demographic tended to be more alluring and appealing. Not because of their age, but because of how the person that they were made me feel. If younger women made me feel that way I'd have no qualms about age...but 9 times out of 10, they did not.

This all so interesting to me.

Anonymous's picture

Chase can you do a post on building a harem?

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Anon-

I imagine you mean an actual harem, where you have multiple female lovers living with you in a family unit, and not just having a lot of girlfriends like what Ricardus discussed here, correct?

If so... so far, my attempts at this have failed (though I got really close! Lost it in the 9th inning), so it'd be mostly speculation. While I do still want to try it, I'm pretty convinced that a harem-structure doesn't work long-term in the West because there is simply too much social pressure against it. When I've tried it with women in the past, they'd be happy when with me, but the instant they'd leave and go off to work or to see their friends they'd start getting bombarded with people telling them how wrong it was, and they'd become miserable until I could raise their spirits again. They start out telling you they're happy with you and don't care what anyone thinks, but eventually society beats them down and they start demanding from you what everyone else tells them to demand from you.

The only way a harem probably works is if you build it in a country where the society recognizes and supports polygyny... which the West certainly does not.

Chase

Matt's picture

Hey Chase,
Since this article was made for older men, I just wanted to ask you about writing an article for younger men in the future. I'm pretty sure you already thought about that, I just wanted to know whether you're planning one or not. I'm a teenager myself and your site already changed a lot of my way of thinking and general behaviour, I'd love to see an article about getting girls with no experience at all, social life in the high school years and similiar stuff in general.

Looking forwards to it!

Matt

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Matt-

Everything here you can use when you have no experience, certainly - we have a good number of guys on the discussion boards who came in with zero experience with women and now have girlfriends and lovers.

As far as high school, yeah - I've made a note that when we get a guy who can talk intelligently about this, it's something some guys have expressed interest in reading about. As for me personally, I spent high school in a weird kind of pseudo-celebrity social phobia persona who got plenty of attention, invites to parties, and girls asking him out on dates by being unique and telling stories and cracking jokes, but never went on any of those dates or to any of those parties or accepted the people who asked him to be friends, so my advice there would not be from experience, and I'm loathe to speculate and give inaccurate advice.

But I do have it on the queue - we have some new writers coming aboard; I'll see if any of them can talk intelligently about high school stuff.

Chase

Danny's picture

Dear Chase,

I am really thankful that I noticed your blog in my learning journey of seduction. Your teaching is not only about banging women and having causal sex, it is also about lessons on how to make us (guys) improve into a man which possess status and resource (what women desire).

Good job!

Flames's picture

Hello,

Another great post, I did a reply to your other one too but I guess you missed that, Nevermind.

I've noticed a lot of things you've mentioned in this post, especially the experience part, as an older man you absolutely have to have the experience they expect otherwise it seems to throw them off, my experience with women is probably less than what youd expect for my age. At the moment I've gained a huge amount of pre-selection which is helping smooth off a bit of my rough edges, nothing I can't handle. At the same time I think it creating a bit of a strange situation where girls are seeing the pre-selection and being dragged into it to a certain extent and probably wondering what I have? I quite often see girls staring at me with confused expressions, until such a point when I do something and then it's like they go 'Oh yeah I get it now' and once that happens they suddenly start acting like everyone else.

Not sure if that makes a lot of sense, it's about the 'best fit' for the way girls are acting around me.

Anyway to my main question. How would you define success exactly? I'm not in a great job, I provide a service, a very useful one but the pay in itself isnt amazing. I have had better and worse jobs, but this is more or less where I'm probably going to remain till I retire now (and I'm relatively happy here). I do have a lot of things o my own, house, car etc and I make what I have go a long way, by spending and investing wisely. I've also no major debts (other than a mortgage).

How would you say that goes success-wise?

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Flames-

Just a lithe slow in responding to comments, is all ;)

I think I copy on the preselection - women are seeing you and wondering what's this guy getting all this attention for, until you bust out something impressive and they go, "Oh - THAT's why girls dig him. Hmm!" Yeah - that's preselection for you! Creator of mystery and intrigue.

Success is about as relative a term as there is. It's going to be relative for you, and relative for her. If you have a decent-but-not-great job and no real other stand-out life accomplishments, if your fundamentals are otherwise in good shape you'll still be reasonably attractive to a chunk of women. While you might not be Prince Charming for a girl studying to pass the bar (although you COULD be!), anyone from a regular girl working a regular job like yours on down to that sexy Latina working the counter at the taco shop could find you sufficiently successful for them with where you're at for right now at 36 (I thought that was your age, if I recall correctly).

Chase

Anonymous's picture

How can you fit a dark, manly and brooding vibe without seeming too down and negative? You mention in many posts to seem upbeat and sort of out for adventure, how does that fit into the brooding sort of lost and dark vibe?

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Anon-

This is the "dark" vibe of a guy who's going through a tumultuous life, and when he smiles, it almost feels like he's doing it more for the sake of social convention than because he's genuinely happy or amused. In film, Christian Bale is a master of this mood; Brad Pitt is another actor you will see do it in certain films.

It's on my list to get a proper article up on, but in the meantime, this one should help somewhat: How to Be Vulnerable, Enchanting, and Alluring to Women.

Maybe think of a brooding guy as someone who just ratchets up the tension around him everywhere he goes. Some women despise it and keep their distances, but other women are drawn to it almost reflexively because that's their "type."

Chase

youngbyron's picture

Can you do a post or something on the boards that explains how to give off those three vibes and make them attractive. Also how to choose which one?

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Byron-

It's already on my list!

Chase

Marty's picture

Hi Chase:

Several of your recent articles have been extremely topical for me, coincidentally touching directly on what I have most recently been wondering about. This one is no exception; the one on Approach Indicators was another great example.

As far as providing "reasons" for your activities goes, am I right in thinking that these reasons need only address a woman's "feminine" requirement to check off the "logic" box, as you described in another article some time ago, so that she can get back to following her emotions, as opposed to conforming to a rigorous "masculine" concept of reasoning? That is to say, so long as it sounds plausible and mildly impressive, it need not be strictly connected with where you are and what you are doing?

Also, I wanted to convey my appreciation of your counsel not to take it face value when a woman rejects you ostensibly on grounds of your age. I suspected as much but it is good to have confirmation that this is usually due to controllable factors, i.e. things you have done wrong that can be corrected. I had this happen to me recently after a date with a girl resulting from a cold approach (out running in the early morning: I caught up, said hello, memorized her number and ran off ahead). She told me on our lunch date that she had been admitted to the bar three years previously, and considering that this requires four years' undergrad study and another three years of law school, she must be 27-28 at least (although, being a redheaded cutie with soft creamy-white skin and wide, ultramarine doe eyes, she could probably pass for a 19-year-old). I am only in my late thirties. So imagine my surprise when, on the following morning, I revived this (unsolicited) text:

"I'm uncomfortable with our age gap. Hope you understand."

Patently an excuse for something else, I thought at the time, as there cannot possibly be more than ten years between us, as described above, and judging by our relative running paces, I'm in rather better physical shape at that. Probably I set too much of a "boyfriend" vibe: ironically, as that is actually impossible in view of my marital status. I think I may have overdone the humility too and had it verge on self-deprecation... not a good place to be with an ambitious young attorney. Anyway, thank you for reinforcing my intuitive conclusions.

-Marty

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Marty-

Yes, that's right - the main idea here is to check off her logic requirement. It only has to make sense enough; doesn't have to be perfect. Like, when I meet someone who tells me that they may be gone tomorrow from whatever city and they don't even know how long they'll be in town, for me all kinds of logic questions come up: wait, what do you do? I don't understand how that makes you have to leave suddenly. So WHY do you have to leave suddenly? Is there some OTHER reason? But when you tell most women this, it's logical enough, and then they're happy to indulge in the romance and mystery of it: here is this intriguing, vexing man with a life of adventure and unpredictability.

And that girl… yeah, I think everyone's had sudden messages like that about whatever excuse is most handy when you've made a mistake or missed an escalation window somewhere along the line. When it's unprompted and out-of-the-blue, it's almost always auto-rejection, with her feeling like you didn't like her and/or didn't/weren't going to give her what she wanted from you, so she writes you off preemptively to spite you and make you realize she doesn't need you. In a way, it's both an indication you've got some attainability work to do, and kind of a compliment (that she viewed you as high status enough she auto-rejected hard after you didn't do whatever it was she thought you were going to or supposed to do to move things forward with her or make her comfortable).

Chase

Anonymous's picture

Chase,

Thank you for writing this blog, I wish I had read this sooner! I just got done reading your other blog post "How to Ask a Girl Out" and found the contents to be very helpful, but I was wondering if you could give me a little extra advice. I seem to have found myself in what I assume is a common situation, but one that I haven't found a lot of info about. Here's the deal:

I just started going back to school, and I met a girl back in January that I was really interested in. We hit it off quickly, and I asked her out a few weeks later for Valentine's Day. I got a "Maybe, I'll let you know." that turned into a "I'm sorry, but I'm too busy to go out with you Thursday night." I just assumed she wasn't interested, and focused on making sure things weren't awkward and growing the friendship.

Since February, we've become great friends. I go over her house often, have had dinner with her family on several occasions, and we get along swimmingly. Most recently, (In the past two weeks or so.) after not hanging out with her, or speaking to her much for a few weeks we met up again randomly. Since then she's been texting me a lot more often, and has invited me to do lots of stuff with her, a fair degree more than our relationship has entailed thus far. I'm getting a feeling that she may be interested in me, but I could also be overly optimistic about the situation and miss-reading it entirely. These are mostly minor things like her making my friends know we've been spending time together, and some comments from her family about how we're the "Perfect Team".

I would like to ask her out again, but I am very concerned about the possibility of ruining our friendship over it. Especially after I had previously asked her out and gotten what amounted to a "No." I do value her in my life, and would like to remain friends even if she isn't interested in pursuing a romantic relationship with me. Do you have any tips on how to navigate this situation, and, if so, what are some good first date ideas for good friends that have pretty much done all of the typical first date ideas together as friends? I'm thinking of asking her to go out and celebrate surviving another school year with me.

Thanks for the help, I really, really appreciate it!

~John

Author
Chase Amante's picture

John-

I'd just ask her out. You asked her out before, and she said "maybe," then "no," and it seems like your friendship strengthened after it, rather than weakened. So I wouldn't worry about the friendship getting broken.

At this point, if you really do highly value the friendship (and would continue with it even if she took on a new boyfriend, and you took on a new girlfriend), I'd go with, "Hey, you know what, you know I think you're great - I already asked you out before, but you said "no," but I'm starting to feel like you like me that way too. Am I totally off base here - should I be looking for someone else to date, or do you think you and I ought to give it a shot?" That's the safer path for the highest odds of keeping her in your life no matter what.

If you'd be heartbroken and probably stop spending so much time on her if she got a boyfriend, though, then you know it isn't really her friendship that you want - in that case, I'd just have her come over to my place one night for dinner and drinks, and kiss her and take her to bed. That's the higher probability of you actually sleeping with her and making her your lover, but also a higher probability chance that it blows up in your face and things get weird if you're too far into the friend zone and don't escalate perfectly.

You'll have to choose which one is the better fit for where you're at right now.

Chase

Nick's picture

Hey Chase,
Just got a labtop of my own, now i am starting on the html/css then onto php. I think I remember you saying that you would of had bigger businesses if you went with programming than writing, could you clarify on that exactly why that is? Would GirlsChase even exist if you were not a writer, how would GirlsChase be different if you were a programmer? Also, you said you had other businesses, are they like GirlsChase where you give out programs and dispense invaluable advice, if so I would love to check them out.

Also, over the months I have been reading your posts and you say things like keeping mystery in the relationship that are monogamous, how exactly do you do that without cheating?

What is a semi-monogamous relationship?

Also, a post on how *you* yourself have relationships nowadays,( like a template or a timeline would be fantastic), your personal opinions and beliefs on relationships and how you came to have those beliefs, why you will not remain exclusive to a girl for a long period of time, why you still practice getting girls into your home while in a relationship with a girl(how do girls fell about this by the way), how to manage rules and boundaries within relationships without being thought of weak/overbreaing,bossy,controlling, how to influence/inspire and change a womens mindset to one beneficial that will aid her in life in a relationship, I am trying to think of more things at the moment but can't, anyway a post on all of those too would be great for lots of people because I see lots of questions about relationships on the comment sections.

Also, how long will this website be up( I know you will get tired of it eventually, if so will you pass it on to someone else so it can stay up?), I am going to store your book on my computer and a few flash drives so I can always refresh, but I might start doing that for articles too if they will be gone(if I am allowed, am I?), your knowledge is too valuable.

Anyway thanks for being alive,
Nick

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Nick-

If I was more a programmer than a writer, Girls Chase would probably still exist, but it'd likely be a lot closer to it's original iteration, where it was just an infrequently (~once a month) updated blog with short articles. It might still be a site with a somewhat larger collection of articles selling an eBook had a I finished the book as my "farewell to PUA" swan song as it'd originally been intended to be, especially if I hadn't gone far into entrepreneurship by that point yet and didn't know what else I wanted to do then. The other businesses I've had have all been quite different from this one; they've included several real estate businesses, one focused on study abroad, a high-end paid social club, and some smaller Internet businesses. All but one of those are closed now, and only half of them ever made any money.

Maintaining mystery in a monogamous relationship pretty much requires you to be more sexually experienced with women, to know always that you have options, even if you aren't pursuing them right now (having women chasing after you helps, as does having cities or countries you'd very much like to move to or visit that have the kind of women that really excite you), and you always need to be a bit less invested in the relationship than she is (one partner is always more invested than the other - either a little or a lot; you don't want too great an imbalance, as that leads to her falling too far in love and becoming too dependent and also overly sensitive, and to you becoming bored and annoyed, but a little bit is good).

When I say "semi-monogamous," I'm referring to a relationship where the girl is monogamous to you and isn't completely sure whether you are to her or not.

Noted on the post requests. Especially on managing boundaries without being controlling and influencing a girl for her benefit, those would make for some neat reads.

On how long GC will last, well - my vision for the business is to grow it large enough that I can fully processize everything in it, and run in a team of solid managers to keep the ship afloat, that way if I die in a freak free climbing accident or whatever craziness I'm doing years from now, the business hardly even notices; new great content from talented people continues to go up, customer service keeps running, the bills keep getting paid, and everybody's happy. I have a strong desire - maybe you could call it a need - to build self-sustaining systems that can run as I designed them without me; I've always liked strategy games for this reason (you build empires that do this), and I've always liked making the people around me self-reliant and self-supporting, too. It lets you step out, eventually, and not have the house fall down behind you.

If it turned out that I was a terrible business person (not outside the realm of possibilities; so far, my record is pretty spotty) and was never able to grow this business into anything significantly large enough to become truly self-sustaining without me, and I ended up with a much better avenue to make ends meet and chase down my dreams, and it no longer made sense to work on Girls Chase actively, I'd probably mothball active maintenance but still keep the site up - it'd still pay for itself for a long time even with no new content. I have trouble imagining that happening at this point, though.

And oh, by the way, Nick - it's "laptop", with a "p", because it sits atop your lap ;)

Chase

Anonymous's picture

Hey chase I hope your doing alright
I was wondering if you could write an article on empowering people in general. Basically an article which would tie in all the aspects of being a good conversationalist/ deep diving, being warm, having high value, inspiring people to reach their dreams and how to use this to build faster and stronger connections with all kinds of people. I would like it if you could explain how to show genuine interest in someone and make them feel accepted and understood without coming off as fake or a tryhard. Also how would you switch over from being a social ladder climber to being a high value person who builds people up?
Concerning dating younger women, how would you get past that stage where they are initially very cold to you? And could you explain how to get past that stage with other people?

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Anon-

Sure, I can do one on empowering - it's just gone on the list.

In the interval, some articles worth checking out that contain various elements of this:

On being someone who's high in social value, see:

The stage at the beginning when people are cold with you is the part of the interaction prior to the "hook point." This has largely to do with fundamentals - the better yours are, the warmer people will be across the board on first meeting you, and the easier it is to hook. See these:

Chase

Andrew 's picture

Hi Chase,
I have been reading your posts for about a year now and I have to say that I have made girlschase my single source of information for women.
I would like to ask if you would give some tips on dating older women in highschool. Currently I am a Sophomore and there is a Senior girl who i want to have a relationship with.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated,
Andrew

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Andrew-

I didn't have any experience dating in high school, so I can't give you a full picture, but I can tell you that just generally handling your fundamentals so that you stand out in a strongly positive, attractive, interesting way, and then putting yourself in places where girls will run into you, will get you interest. I had several girls two grades above me ask me out on dates in high school, including one very good looking and well-endowed senior girl who asked me to the prom when I was only a 10th grader (if I could go back and slap some sense into myself just to get old me to say "YES!" to these invitations, I would).

However, as far as actually going up to the girl of your choice rather than having her pursue you, that isn't something I have experience with in high school. I'm afraid any advice I might give you on pulling the trigger would be speculation; the best I can say is try to catch her eye first, and if not, well, you only live once - might as well bite the bullet and try. It's the things we don't do that we regret, not the ones we do do.

Chase

RJ's picture

Hey Chase, I definitely agree with your point at the end about a big enough age gap effecting how two relate to each other. This brings me to my dilemma, hopefully you could provide some insight on it.

I train athletes, and a recent client of mine is an 18 year old girl who just went off to college. Not the typical 18 year old you mentioned in the other article, all about her social status. This one is very mature for her age. I never really thought much of girls more than 5 years younger than me other than wanting to sleep with them, but I find this one is special after working with her for six months.

I personally, at the age of 28, am at that halfway point. Not quite fully settled in and still fun to go out with, but willing to settle down and well into my big plans for the future. I feel like I'm still young enough to relate to this girl, while looking somewhat like that established older man who knows what he has.

Am I right on how this girl and other younger women will view me should I display that level of confidence? Also, she has a boyfriend who is only a year older than her, but I don't see that lasting as they are both in college and from what I've heard about him, he seems like a guy she will eventually grow out of. So any other advice you could give me relating to that as well would be greatly appreciated. Thanks for all the help you've provided us with on here!

Author
Chase Amante's picture

RJ-

You are correct in how you'll likely be viewed, unless she's around girlfriends her age... in which case, they may tell her, "No way, he's 10 years older than you... that's creepy!" It really depends on her circle of friends. Because girls in high school and university are only used to being around males who are at most 3 years older than they are, anything much more than that seems REALLY old and weird (once they get out of school and into the real world, this perception changes very fast, but until then, they're fighting the social norms of school life).

Something else worth considering - an 18-year-old who's just starting college isn't anywhere close to where she'll want to settle down, unless she is very conservative in her upbringing. Even if she meets an amazing man, she doesn't have the dating experience yet to know she's found a great catch, and she's going to get an itch after a while to get back out there and see what else is in the dating pool. She'll also get a lot of pressure from friends telling her she's too young for that, and she's got plenty of time to worry about relationships.

You might have a difficult time getting a college-bound 18-year-old who's likely to want to embark on a career after school to commit to a settled, serious relationship for any long-ish amount of time.

Chase

Sick Biatch's picture

Most women I know (all of us are in our fertile years and most of us have hot bods and average faces) only want to date men 5 years older than us at the utmost limit (most say they prefer men their own age though)

For me I'd date someone 20 years older than me like the guy who works out at the gym who keeps looking at me every morning. He is so fit and has the hardest sexiest muscles in the gym. He lifts more than the younger guys and he really does it for me. He keeps looking but wont come over to me. He puffs his chest out and walks around like he owns the place. It makes me wet. His grey hairs make me wet. His hair is receding at the top but despite that his muscles and broad shoulders make me drool for him.

Another thing is I've heard him teasing the younger guys and girls and that drives me wild. Furthermore he owns a Merc AMG and which girl doesn't see a great car as a man who's made it.

Here's the important message to you sexy grandpa's, buy a hot luxury car and give the girl the sexiest stare ever. She will melt. Dont forget to come over and talk to us because I dont know a girl in my group of friends who's ever approached a guy. We think that looks desperate.

However, most of us will only see you as short term flings. It's because our intuition tells us your sperm will not provide the best child (it's recently been proven in scientific tests most older men have more children with ADHD and other mental disorders) so the same way you sense older women who are less than fertile, we seem to have an innate ability to do the same. Our alternative is to sleep with the young alpha male, have his baby and take your funds to raise them.

Chase you rock making so many men the sexy dominant men we so much desire.

Jimbo's picture

Desire for short-term relation for females is based on the assumption that the male is fit / has good genes/sperm. So your non-desire of having a long-term relation with him is probably more rationally based, most likely you sensing you won't be able to relate to him too much in a relationship.

Anonymous's picture

It's 1966. Don is 40 years old, worth a few million dollars (back when that was real money), owns a luxurious condo in Manhattan, is debonair, handsome and charming with women. He's reaching the pinnacle of his career as one of New York's most successful ad men. His beautiful, elegant French wife Megan is about 25, his former secretary and an aspiring actress.

Chu Kem's picture

Sometimes women of a certain age aren’t what attract some men. Some want younger women, for a variety of different reasons. If you’re one of those people that want to date younger, you’re going to need to take on some tips that are going to help you move forward. Not everything is so simple when you don’t know what you’re doing.

Tre Holliday's picture

Take two men. High status younger man, High status old man.
Sorry but the young male gets first pick of women his age, he has the status, the looks AND the SOCIAL CONDITIONING to blow the older man out of the water, hes more relevant, and like cooler and hip
also I find (at 22 mind you) that when i'm hanging out with older men I am always offered the lead mainly because im very strong, , (i'm past my prime the thinking goes, however im very reassuring and adding value that every one is great in their own way, which is true regardless of status), I want to say that for very tall or very muscular men. when two meet its like watching a informal dance of taking direction, a balance and every thing is taken with a grain of salt.
my cousin is a very accomplished athlete, he gets 10x more tail then all of his older friends (same status bracket).
High status older man versus high status younger man, the latter wins, think some young musicians and athletes, although there is a general preconceived notion that older men have more money, a mystique
young men win when everything is similar.

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