Why Do STEM-Educated Men Have a Harder Time Meeting Women? | Girls Chase

Why Do STEM-Educated Men Have a Harder Time Meeting Women?

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Halvor Jannike's picture

STEM meet girls
Men in STEM fields, despite their smarts, often don’t do well with girls. What’s the cause of this handicap – and what can you do about it?

STEM is an acronym for the academic disciplines of Science, Technology, Engineering, and Mathematics. It is a moderately strong stereotype that men educated in these fields are socially awkward nerds who struggle with women.

Why is this the case (that STEM men are so often nerdy and awkward and not good with girls), and what can be done about it?

The author has studied math, physics, and computer science and would like to give his thoughts on this issue.

The first thing to be said about this problem is that it IS to some extent true that STEM-educated guys have problems with socializing and women, and thus the corresponding “nerd” stereotype is rather common with students and workers in such fields.

Obviously not all STEM guys have problems, and for those who do have problems, they are rarely unsolvable. The challenges STEM guys face have several different causes, and some personality traits should be reviewed before we start discussing solutions.

Comments

CraigJames's picture

STEM guys also tend to have low emotional and social IQs. Hence they polarize people and can't read other people the way people with high emotional and social IQs can. Furthermore, STEM guys tend to have a chip on their shoulder so they constanty need to prove they're smarter than others. This obviously conflicts with being smooth.

All in all, if a guy is inherently a STEM kind of guy, it's almost asking too much to make him into a ladies man. It's never going to happen. He should just make money and pay his way to a hot woman.

loukas's picture

On the first part I disagree, strong intellectualization skills doesn't mean low EQ, but rather lower confidence in that kind of intelligence. That part on being smarter I totally agree on though, the opposite of smooth.
On the second part I also disagree, STEM guys as the purely devoted fellows they are, tend to get the girl they want in the end. Maybe not many, bit surely well hit.

ChrisJ's picture

I disagree, loukas. STEM guys DO NOT get the girl in the end.

Anonymous's picture

That's wrong thinking man. Almost everyone can change in any way. It's just a choice. You are probably limiting yourself with such beliefs.

Sarco's picture

Good read, yet seems mostly directed at the ones who are STEMs. I don't think you'll get most readers (who are not STEMs) to follow through it.
You could decorate your points with lively looking stories to attract another part of crowd.
Yet, good decent article, but it demands patience and time to comprehend ;)

Bond's picture

Nice post, Halvor.

Bond.

Mickey's picture

Do lawyers and accountants have the same problem?

.'s picture

To excel in STEM topics, and I believe this does include accounting and law, as Halvor mentioned above it is necessary to have an ability get into very detailed (monotonous) analysis/study. But this would be considered excruciatingly boring by most people who would never get turned on by any “nitty-gritty fine print” or “detailed technical specifications/theorems” analysis of any kind.

So I think the basic problem with the STEM people who fare poorly in love/sex life, is only that they haven’t yet learnt to expand their talent for detailed analysis into how to improve their fundamentals and game, and especially how to stir up and maintain good/sexy emotions in a potential partner(s).

But I believe STEMs have the best potential for great improvements, as Chase et al. has obviously already deeply analysed/experimented about this, as can be seen by articles like “deep dive”, “law of least effort”, "conversationalist" and so many others.

Anonymous's picture

I'm STEM (engineer) and was able to follow this article from beginning to end with little issue. I do agree that non-STEMS would have been bored to tears by the end of the first third of the article as it does take quite a bit of unbridled passion to be able to focus with such intensity at the smallest of details, a characteristic that would drive most people insane.

Skye Winfrey's picture

Well, I'm not in STEM and was keenly interested in this article! I'm biased, though, as someone with a formal research background who's also building an online course business for men in STEM who seek more success with women in dating. Ha!

Truly, though -- I appreciate the way this all was presented.

Xander's picture

Hi,
I'm STEM also. I have good social life, but when it comes to women a lot of them don't like me. I believe the main problem is they fell a little bit different vibe from me than they feel. Other fundamentals are good but vibe problem refuse them and because of they don't want anything with me. Also if they sense I'm STEM it makes things harder. Is there extra advices how to fix it?
Thanks,

Skye Winfrey's picture

Hi, Xander.

I don't know where your journey has taken you since you posted in 2016, but I'd still like to reply, in case this comment may be helpful to you or any other readers.

In your comment, you name that the women you date have a different vibe than you. Totally get that. In my mind, if the vibe isn't matching, much of the time it's just that there hasn't been enough of a bridge established yet between your vibe and her vibe. That's where communication and curiosity come into play. If you find yourself on an awkward date and the vibe isn't matching (and yet you're still interested), why not float a question by her that's designed to coax her out? Asking follow up questions can get to the lived quality of her subjective experience. Ask her something factual about herself, and be sure to follow up with the question "What was that experience like?" Bonus if you can work in the question, "What was that like **for you** to have that experience?" Often, if you go deep enough (and are willing to share yourself a little), you may find some commonground that puts you more on the same page, energetically, and create space for connection.

Hope this helps, and I wish you the best!

Warmly,
Skye Winfrey, Coach

Telomere's picture

I think your points about intelligence are pretty accurate, but I've gotten really mixed feedback about using proper grammar and a high vocabulary while speaking. A lot of people are put off by it, but some people love it. I would say that overall my interactions are much better when i dumb down my speaking, but the few people who don't find it off-putting usually find it a very attractive quality. How do you go about using intellectual conversation material and proper speech to an advantage? I've mostly gravitated away from using correct grammar because so many people see it as condescending, but the rare few (my last girlfriend included) love it. Is there anyway to use this without sending the wrong message to girls who dislike it?

Thanks!

Skye Winfrey's picture

It's a common issue -- holding the dialectic tension between speaking to people in a way that's accessible and speaking intelligently and with a better vocabulary. I think that speaking plainly will open up a broader pool of connections to you, but in that case you'll need to be willing to connect with people of various levels of development. More refined speech does narrow your dating pool, but if intelligence in a partner is a priority for you, the people you **do** connect with will be of a higher caliber.

Flames's picture

Not many people know this but my IQ is at least 130 and depending on the test can be as high as 150 (maybe more?) and most of what has been said in this article is spot on.

I've worked long and hard on my socialising for a good number of years (at least 20+) and have hit a point where I'm happy with both my emotional intelligence and practical intelligence.

Still I get bored with 90% of people, and at least 10% of those annoy me with their lack of intelligence. I'm actually a fairly headonistic guy, but again hedonists are rarely on a level I'm on. I can research a subject to death and move on quickly. I do everything I do to a high standard and it often leaves me incredibly frustrated with people.

However with age, and a lot of what I've learned here I manage to pick the wheat from the chaff. I keep (and cherish) the people who are right or wrongly worth something and have little time for the rest.

This is both a blessing and a burden and I realise that to live a complete life, sometime it's not 'intelligence' that makes someone worthy of your time but their heart and soul.

It's a balancing game IMO...

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