How to Take Girls Off Their “Scripts” | Girls Chase

How to Take Girls Off Their “Scripts”

Chase Amante

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Chase Amante's picture

girl off dating script
If a girl wants to hook up, and you do, that’s easy (well, easier). But what if she doesn’t want to hook up – how do you get her then?

I’m a fan of taking girls “off script.” It makes the courtship more personal and more rewarding for me.

If you want to know what this means, here’s all I mean by a script: every girl has a certain thing she’s on the lookout for at any given time.

For instance, her script may be:

  • I want to find a boyfriend
  • I want to find a husband
  • I want to find a guy to hook up with
  • I just want to make a new guy friend
  • I don’t want to meet anybody right now

Most of the time on Girls Chase, the other writers and I suggest you look for girls who are on the lookout for what you’re looking for. So if you want to hook up, you look for girls who are down for that. If you want a new girlfriend, you’ll have an easier time of it with a girl who’s gunning hard for a boyfriend, much of the time.

This makes life easier, and it’s a surer path to you and the girl you want together in bed or in a relationship.

However, it’s also possible to take a girl off her script and provide her with a different kind of experience. If you don’t enjoy the process of seduction and you just want a girl who wants what you want as fast as possible with as little work as possible, this article won’t be of interest to you (and you’ll want to focus on looking for girls who are looking for you).

If you’re a beginner, I recommend you get good at teasing out signs of interest and approach invitations from girls, and not worry about trying to get girls who aren’t that interested in you until you’ve got more experience (and lays and girlfriends) under your belt.

Yet if the idea of taking a girl who wants a boyfriend and hooking up with her fast, or taking a girl who just wants to hook up or doesn’t want to meet anybody and pulling her into a passionate new relationship with you intrigues you at all, then read on.

Comments

Yeti's picture

Hey, Chase. I checked out The Way of the Superior Man, per your suggestion in one of your previous articles. It's good stuff. Is there a suggested reading list somewhere on the site or forum? I tried the search function but didn't see any. If there isn't one, would you mind doing a quick list of influential books that were important for your personal development, or that you think may be helpful for those of us who are interested?

Also, great article. Can't wait to use this stuff... It's a bit down the road for me but I'll get there.

Thanks,
Yeti

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Yeti-

Glad to hear you liked it!

I have one article dedicated to recommended reading here:

And mention a selection of books I've read more recently near the end of this article too:

If you're not averse to the classics, I'd also point you toward Lubbock's List, a list of the 100 greatest books ever written, as of 1896 or so:

Plenty of great books have come out since then too, of course, but these are the tomes that've stood centuries or millennia, while countless other books have been forgotten. That says something. And each one of them I've read has been like immersing myself into a completely different culture. After a while, you realize 20th and 21st century American writing all has a certain tone, thrust, and similarity of message and thought pattern, different from other times, places, and historical epochs.

Chase

Anonymous's picture

Hey Chase,

I've noticed a positive change in your articles as of late. Especially compared to your earlier ones and what you wrote in your book. :)

However, some of your recent articles seem to be in direct conflict with some of your past material. This one is a perfect example. And here's why I think that: one of the cornerstones of your material the "lover" vs "provider" paradigm. As I understand, what previous articles of your suggest is that women are always looking for both "lovers" and "providers" as potential romantic partners. They give the lovers quick sex, whilst giving the providers relationships.

So here's the conflict: If this is true, then how does it make sense that women have a "script" or that they aren't looking for a certain type of relationship whatsoever? Are women with a script a kind which aren't open to mating with men who fit one or both of these personas? If so, then does it still make sense to always try to present a lover persona if looking for a relationship? Because if a women has a script and its "not looking for hook ups", and I present a lover persona when I actually want to be her provider, she would be more likely to screen me out even though in reality we both want the same thing. Moreover, you've even written an entire article on "disqualifying yourself as a boyfriend". But in this one, you suggest that its best to make clear what you actually want (even if that is to be her boyfriend).

What are your thoughts on all this?

Anonymous's picture

Hey anon,

I've had the same issues in the past.

One of chase's recent article discusses that different men have different values.

Depending on what you're seeking will determine the action and goals you will take.

Chase recommended in the past to cultivate the lover's personality and to disqualify your boyfriend value in order to polarize sexuality and screen in girls who are looking for sex in order to improve your seduction skill set. This has few benefits: conversions are easier after you're hooking up with a girl regularly, you waste less time with girls who aren't looking to have any form of substantial relationship with you (sex, romantic relationship), and by nature of the prior points, you rapidly improve your skill set if you're deliberately practicing.

This does have its issues if you are not providing enough sexual value when you disqualify your other values (boyfriend, platonic, social values), or if your practice is sporadic.

I've also noticed a recent change in chases work which I've noticed has gotten more helpful for beginners and is more calibrated and "tight"with a balance towards different values and goals (which were mentioned only briefly in the past here and there, with a larger focus on lover qualities). Mind you, they still had various writers submit some very high quality posts on different life styles.

But getting back to the conflict.

Know what your goals and values are. Chase mentioned in this article that you can play on easy mode by being what girls are looking for. This should be something you do as a beginner. Stack the deck in your favor: seek girls who are interested in you and take the easy wins if that's what the girl wants (chase had an article in the past called what do girls want). If that is your goal to have more sex (than make it as easy as possible); if it's not a hit, than switch. Be a lover and test it out, be a boyfriend and test it out.

Eventually, you'll gain enough experience to see what a girl wants and if that's what you're seeking as well. Then you'll know to use the right action at the right time.

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Anon-

I think the point of confusion is the word “always.” I always avoid always (except when I fail to, in which case I’m always wrong!). Absolutes tend to lead you astray.

Girls look for lovers, and they look for providers. And they typically have their radars at least somewhat attuned. However, they can be in different “modes” or “scripts” where they’re looking for different things at different times.

Works the same way as us fellas do. I’m sure you’ve had times where you just really wanted to get laid and you were hard on the lookout for a bad girl to have good times with. Had you met a sweet, virginal girl at that point, you might’ve taken her number or some such, but not spent much time on her. She wasn’t the mission. Yet after you’d been single a while and torn through a bunch of girls, one day you woke up wanting a nice girlfriend to have something longer term with. Or if you hit a dry spell or had a nasty incident with a girl, you may even have found yourself longing for a sweet, virginal girl who’d never cause you problems like that.

At different points in our lives, under different conditions, we tend to want different things. Doesn’t mean we won’t be open to an especially good deal that comes our way, but not all people are open to all things at all times. There’s a certain element of catching her at the right time that comes into play, and if it isn’t the right time, you’ve got more work cut out for you.

I still recommend you disqualify yourself as a boyfriend, all things being equal! When you’re under scrutiny as a boyfriend prospect, her standards go up and your odds go down. Generally though I recommend newer guys not be too hardcore about this, since if you haven’t cultivated enough sexiness for her to want you as a lover, nuking your boyfriend value can make you look like a zero to her. No boyfriend value, no lover value – well, what are you?

Even then though, by “make your intentions absolutely clear”, I don’t (or didn’t) mean to suggest you should tell her you want a girlfriend. Instead, you want to tell her things like you really like her, stress what you like about her that’s different from other girls, etc. Same as with disqualifying yourself from boyfriend contention, if the goal is to qualify yourself instead, you want her to make that decision on her own (and say, “Wow, I really want Anon as my boyfriend”), rather than feel like you’re offering it to her on a platter (“Hey, wanna be my girlfriend?”).

That said, I think that’s probably a less-intuitive concept for a lot of folks. I’ll try to get up an article on it!

Chase

LoverBoy's picture

Hey there Chase,

Thank you for answering my last comment ?.

On scripts, how do you know which script a girl is operating on? I have pretty good intuitive feels so I sometimes see girls & I can sort of tell - esp from our EC - what they want - a new & interesting guy, a boyfriend, etc. and that I fit that role for them, or maybe i'm just their kind/type of guy (which could be caz these kinds of girls are my type too) - but how do you know if she's in boyfriend-hunting mode, curious/open-to-new-guys mode and/or hook-up mode, etc. like do girls just tell you they're looking for a friend/boyfriend/husband or do you ask them in a socially savvy manner?

Also perfect coincidence on the fad of "she wasn't that into you & then you got her & then she's super into you....& happens even more in relationships, etc." caz I've been thinking of this trend. So I know a girl & guy LTR couple where the girl said she thought the guy was loud & arrogant in the beginning & then she kind of came around & she got w/ him, etc. & now she's super into him & loves to tell this story.

Same I noticed w/ my opinions of people, like no homo, but for example - don't know if you watch the NBA - but at first I thought Steph Curry was the man & I thought Klay Thompson was kinda a try-hard, wanting to be cool, tool-sort lol but then I saw Klay more & more & I read an article about him & his bulldog & their relationship where I saw he's genuine & simple-cool (so i got to know him a bit) & my whole opinion flipped on him & the more & more I see him, the more & more I like him/think he's awesome. Actually I think Steph is not as awesome anymore. Same thing when I see a girl & I'm not that into her at first but then I see more & more of her w/o talking to her much but learning more about her from mannerisms, behaviors, etc. (how sweet she is, or how genuine, etc.) & my opinion flips where it feels like I like them more than i would have had i normally started just liking them a bit. Is it some psychology thing where not liking someone at first & then flipping that makes the feeling exacerbate?

In fact, some - not all tho - of my friends, like the ones I liked from the beginning a lot seemed to be the biggest awesome-to-fade & dull out friendships, whereas other guys who I wasn't so warm to at first, I ended up flipping to thinking they're more awesome & such, & our friendships grew stronger. It's like if I think highly-to-very-highly of someone to start, they can only go down from there in my high-value/opinion of them as I get to know them more, like a flame slowly burning out v. the opposite thing of a spark igniting into a flame (quickly tho like the thing you mentioned above^, not like a friends-and-then-wait-months-then-get-the-girl thing lol)

Do you think this kind of LTR (where she's not that into you at first/your not her type but then you get her) is the best or is love-at-first-sight still the best kind? I have no experience in both kind-of extreme relationships, but would like to hear your opinion on the them, or even just the best model for a LTR?

Last thing, where do you get all these pysch studies, esp on women, from? Could you point me to the site(s).

Thanks, appreciate the work you do as always - Loverboy

LoverBoy's picture

Just read another comment you left - "Expectations really are king. If her reality doesn’t match up to what you hoped it was going in, your emotions will naturally fall off."

- Great stuff man, i think this is why. Do you think it's better to kind of engineer the seduction, esp for relationships, so she has lower expectations of me & how can I do that? Personally, I don't fit many conventions/stereotypes (combination of race, looks, presence, idk most girls aren't used to seeing guys who come across like me) which is why many girls are usually intrigued w/ me off the bat. Do you think that helps me in them not being able to set too-high or too-pre-set expectations for me caz they don't have mental associations of who they think that I am?

Also is expectations partially why relationships w/ bad boys are better in a way, caz you once said, expectations are lower on both sides?

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Loverboy-

Figuring out what mode/script she's in is a fairly simple process, but it's a little involved to explain. I actually go into it pretty deep in my upcoming course, so if you don't mind waiting for that I've got a lot of detail on figuring out just what a girl's after and calibrating yourself to deliver it!

In my general opinion, whether you want the girl who starts off crazy about you or the one who starts off, "Well, I'm not so sure about him," is down to what kind of relationship you want. I like skeptical women who don't date much and really put men under a microscope, so I like girls who don't get crazy about guys. I've had multiple girlfriends who'd gone for long periods without dating, and who at times told me they really wanted to be single forever (and I mean, take it with a grain of salt - she's going to date somebody eventually). But I like rational women who are less subject to the whims of their emotions.

I think most guys need the affection and validation that comes with a girl who digs them from the start. You don't get the same feeling of growth in the relationship as she comes around and feels more and more attached to you, but you also don't have to deal with the level of harshness during rockier times / arguments you do with a girl who started off skeptical.

Yes, if you're an outside-the-box choice as mate, that helps erase expectations going in. It's not so much low expectations as it is she doesn't know what to expect. So you set the expectations yourself as you go. That's always best in my opinion: the closer you can get to zero expectations, the more the relationship succeeds on its own merits, rather than on how it compares to other relationships or her ideal relationship.

If the bad boy can make the transition to "good boyfriend", he seems like he's at an advantage, all things being equal. That's probably due to setting the bar low, then hurdling over it. Of course, things are never all equal, so how big a role lower expectations play is hard to say. A bad boy who's a crappy boyfriend will still have an unhappy girlfriend no matter what.

Chase

τ's picture

well of all your writings I love how "don't hurt a girl" keepa coming up as a reminder and a driver, they are so sweet, even when they try to beat the shit out of us, they stiĺl have a reason. And besides how else are you going to keep your frame?
Non verbal usually, but that's how it goes I guess.

Author
Chase Amante's picture

τ-

Well, what we do here is train guys to be powerful with women.

A lot of men here are coming from positions like you are, where they're used to girls being the powerful ones, and they get hurt by girls who are irresponsible wielders of their power.

But at some point, if you're doing the stuff we teach you here, the dynamic flips, and now you hold the power over the girls you meet while they feel good or feel hurt by you. Often there's a transition period where you start wielding all this power, and it feels good, and you don't realize now all of a sudden you're having this effect on the girls you meet, where girls are going off and crying over you or beating themselves up over you or whatnot.

So just like the martial arts instructor who tells you over and over again to be careful and not go overboard and use no more force than necessary in your attack, you may think at the start, "Yeah, sure, whatever; like anybody's going to get hurt by me." But as the months tick by and the practice goes in, at some point you become a powerful dude with great ability to hurt people if you're not careful.

That's why the message is there. The more of this stuff you use and the better at it you get, the less women affect you, but the more you affect them.

Chase

SanDiego's picture

Hey Chase, a lot of women I hear seem to say "confidence" is the most attractive trait in a guy. Also when I google what's most attractive to women, "confidence" seems to be the most frequent answer. Can you write an article on this buzzword of "confidence" - like what does it look like to women, what does it feel like to women, how does a guy get it, what does the word confidence really mean in this situation caz it's so vague, etc.
In Mark Manson's book Models (Not sure if you read it), he said a man w/ "true confidence" to a woman is like a woman w/ perfect body/face to a man or something like that. You think confidence is that attractive to a women? How many men do you think are really confident?

SanDiego's picture

Hey Chase, thinking more on why I'm not so confident in general, for me it it's because I don't value myself. I do for others rather than do what I want more. It's like deeper down I don't feel like I matter that much. I was thinking if I started to do waht I want, it becomes a feedback thing of I am showing myself that I do matter? Thus I'd be more confident in general, not just w/ women. Caz I tried this a couple times over the last few days & when I asked myself what I wanted in specific situations & did it, I felt a lot better, better about myself, like my posture & walk got better, I had more life, I felt more like myself. I try to get others to like me too much it seems

Author
Chase Amante's picture

SanDiego-

Yes, I'd agree with Mark. Real/true confidence is the single greatest attraction factor, bar none. You can overcome a whole heck of a lot of shortcomings with great confidence. That's how you get disabled guys who get hot girls and things like that. A powerful / attractive / wealthy / high status guy isn't going to go for a disabled girl, so men often can't understand this. A beautiful girl going for a disabled guy because he's confident is not so rare, on the other hand.

I can do an article on "confidence", sure. I have this one up now:

Does Confidence = Success? Actually... No.

... but that's more a refutation of "all confidence is created equal" and an explanation of how to get real confidence than it is an explanation of why girls like confidence. So another one is forthcoming!

Chase

Pizzamade's picture

What's up Chase, reading a comment above on LTR, & realized from reading Girls Chase for a long-time that I have an expectation of being perfect in a relationship (only picking up chicks for casual dating rn ;) , and don't do LTRs caz haven't found an awesome enough girl yet)

also think i have fear of intimacy issues and gonna read ur article for that too haha, you're the man, you have everything covered

but I was thinking how I have this image/this expectation of always being perfect in a relationship - like perfectly strong & perfectly confident & perfectly on & always perfectly in control of my life, like for the regular pretty girl who's nice, cool & w/ a solid job, over the course of a LTR, isn't it too much bro? Like being perfect is almost unrelatable, like not i'm not human enough in a feel sense i think

I was thinking when I did a relationship, more about showing her different sides to me, like sometimes i'm an edgy guy or sometimes i'm a deep and thoughtful guy, and sometimes i'm a lovey-passionate-romantic guy, but lots of time i'm a sexual dawg ;) :)

but then also what about showing parts of me sucking at life, not just vulnerability but that i lose too sometimes, I'm human, i got those lame parts of me too & i have poor days too

what's ur take mate?

and saw in your master anything article you mentioned you running a model for relationships unlike any you had seen, any chance sharing it or is it somewhere on girls chase archive?

also read that you were working on a relationship book for this year - are you still working on it and when would it come out?

would definitely be down for it, and I feel like many other fellow clueless LTR guys would be too haha

looking forward to your reply bro!

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Pizzamade-

Sure, of course, you will screw up in your relationships. I’m pretty darn good at relationships at this point and I still screw up at them all the time anyway. That’s why God invented drama. So girls can let you know when you’re screwing up ;)

If you look around, a lot of the relationship articles on here are firefighting pieces. What do you do when this horrible thing happens? That’s because no matter how good you are, stuff still goes awry. In my case, the problem is girls end up feeling too ignored and eventually blow up to get more time from me (after the subtle hints don’t work). Even though I know I that’s an issue, I can never fully fix it because it’s just an inherent part of my personality. Everyone close gets sidelined in my life sooner or later, no matter how fond of them I am. I always would like to spend more time on people but just don’t have the time.

No point trying to calculate it out too much for some planned future über relationship, where you will be one guy one day and one guy the next. Too much work to maintain, and relationships make you lazy – even if you try it for a week or two, it won’t last. You’ll just do you regardless.

My relationship model I still haven’t released (same for the book). Might still put those out at some point in the future – I won’t do an article on the model, most likely, it’d have to be a book or a course. We will have to see where Girls Chase is in 2017 and if it’s pulling in enough revenues that I can step back from the day-to-day and work on products more / if there’s potential for something like this and demand for it and it’s a good use of my time to put it out there. I think it’d be worthwhile if I could get the bandwidth for it.

Chase

SZ's picture

I have recently gotten scolded because my girl and I split the check all of the time lol.

I've been dating this girl for 2 years and we have been splitting the bill.

I told my mother in a regular conversation kind of way that we always split the bill, it was just something that got brought up for a sec, and I didn't want to bring it up, it just came up.

she told me that I should pay, and all of that stuff, and she couldn't believe it.

I will just tell you that I got scolded.

Other girls have also said if the guy doesn't pay.

he must be broke or cheap.

this makes me wonder, I know you said once you have been sleeping with a girl that you can pay for her if you want, but I'm fine where we are at.

1.do the rules change in a relationship when it comes to going out on dates?

do I have to pay for anything if I don't want to?

will it mess it up?

2.can you give me quick tips on not paying for dates for future girls?

I know you made an article about not paying for dates, but I haven't seen anything on not paying even if the girl tries to make you do it. Like how do you combat her and come out victorious after she tries to make you pay, but you don't, how do you refuse and still get laid?

3.I remember you said it's OK to pay for cheap things like ice cream, pizza, but do we and should we pay for that stuff?

p.s. can men get the 2year drop feeling as well?

Author
Chase Amante's picture

SZ-

Yeah, I’d just never talk to women about your habits paying for other women. The only time you can do it is if your frame on it is so unshakeable that you look at them like they’re crazy if they tell you they need to pay. i.e., you can just look at a girl and go, “You’re crazy. Girls pay for me. Why would I pay for a girl? It doesn’t make sense.” (I do have that conversation sometimes, but I legitimately don’t see a reason why I would pay for a girl. Cultural norms? I guess I’m just spoiled, girls usually buy my stuff for me)

Rules change in a relationship, sure. If you’re both working and not living together, you should be splitting on dates. You both have incomes; you’re not competing as a provider. If you make a lot more money and you want to take care of her, you can make it 70/30, or you pay for the movie tickets and she buys the soda and popcorn, etc.

If a girl is trying to make you pay, you’re usually already screwed. Girls who like you won’t try to arm-bar you into paying for them. I’ve been on one date I can think of where I had a girl make me pay – we ordered and then she said she didn’t have any money with her. So I paid, gave her her food, she tried to act nice, and I just said hey, I’ve got to run, and I left. If I had a similar situation today I’d just cancel the order and say, “It seems like we’re operating from totally different cultural paradigms, so I’d rather nip this one in the bud before we turn into enemies or whatever,” then leave. See the gold digger article I just put up; some girls feel devalued if men don’t spend on them. If she’s like this, we just have incompatible thoughts about romance.

As for what to pay for and what not to, think about it like this: if it’s nothing for you, and you can pay for it without making it a big deal, without changing facial expressions, and without needing to even call attention to it (and if she thanks you, you just wave it off), then you can do it. Otherwise, don’t do it. Avoid anything where she can tell you’re doing what you don’t want to do; only do things she can tell you want to do.

And men can indeed get the 2-year drop. Men may even be the triggers for it a lot of the time. Seems to be both parties affect each other mutually to create the drop.

Chase

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