GIRLS CHASE MONTHLY SUBSCRIPTION
• Unlimited access to GirlsChase.com
Note from Chase: this is the first article by Varoon Rajah, who runs our podcast series. Varoon’s launching this book review series, where he aims to review a new book each month related to dating, attraction, relationships, or psychology. Here’s Varoon...
Why Him? Why Her? is a book by Helen Fisher which ultimately suggests who you fall in love with (for GC readers – who men and women are attracted to) is powerfully influenced by who you are. Or, in other words, your personality is influenced from a very young age by your inherent temperament in addition to developed character traits. While it is commonly thought that your experiences in life shape who you are, what is not as clear to many is how a person’s inherent biology ultimately shapes them, as well as guides their choices and decisions well through their life – including the domain of relationships, love, and romance.
Helen briefly discusses this distinction – personality based on experiences and character versus personality based on biology and temperament – early on in her book:
“Your character traits stem from you experiences. Your childhood games; your parents’ interests and values; how people in your community express love and hate; what relatives and friends regard as polite, dangerous or exciting; how they worship; what they sing; when they laugh; what they do to make a living and relax – these and innumerable other cultural forces combine to build your unique set of character traits.
The balance of your personality is your temperament, all of the biological based tendencies you have inherited, traits that emerge early childhood to produce your consistent patterns of feeling, thinking and behaving… Temperament is the “I am,” the foundation of who you are. Curiosity; creativity; novelty seeking; compassion; cautiousness; competitiveness: to some degree, you inherit these and many other aspects of your disposition.”
Fisher, Helen. (2009). Why Him? Why Her?: finding real love by understanding your personality type (pp. 3-4). New York, NY: Henry Holt and Company, LLC.
And thus, we all have an inherent disposition and behavior that shows up to others. You might imagine where and how this is useful with your woman life – knowing the nature of that cute girl you’re about to approach or just approached, that cute girl you just met at 2 AM in a nightclub, that cute girl you’re about to go on a date with, and maybe even that cute girl you’re already dating or in a long term relationship with – has absolutely massive implications as to how you show up to her, how she shows up to you, and how elements that you present to each other serve or don’t serve to bring you two into getting together.
And knowing this – knowing your target and who she is – can enable the seeking of girls most suitable to partner with you, as well as cater your own experience with her to manage her needs, attractions, and repulsions.
And with that, we dive into this exploration of where experience meets biology.
Comments
Hmm...
Hey Varoon,
Nice review! Very thorough and informative.
Anyway, I just read the GirlsChase's book review on the book Why Him/Why Her?
I want to share my thoughts and hear what you have to say... But before that, I found a test from the book here...
https://idigitalcitizen.files.wordpress.com/2009/08/text-and-instruction...
Anyway, I'm interested in your take on this, because Im not sure what to think of it.
The most interesting part to me is on the corresponding brain chemical of each type. I am definitely an Explorer/Negotiator which corresponds to dopamine and estrogen. This boggles me because I am convinced I am into feminine women, yet according to this I am attracted to Directors (who sound like dominants - no thanks).
The thing is I totally match the description. Yet, something doesn't add up right to me. In my relationships, I wear the pants. And I can't deny that a girl I'm seeing right now is a bit of a director, however I have totally encouraged her feminine side to great success and she is my little kitten. (Note she is definitely an explorer type as well, hence the chemistry according to the concept.)
So I'm wondering if femininity/masculinity is related to the Director/Negotiator spectrum... At first thought, it would make sense, but looking back on my relationships, it isn't quite so black and white...
I am also actively working on cultivating a lot of the traits of the director, so perhaps there is a bit of a transition?
Anyhow, if you've read this far thanks for the time and I hope to hear your thoughts!
J Wick -
J Wick -
Glad you enjoyed reading the piece, and also very good find on the personality test! She has that in her book, but this also makes it a lot easier for anyone else that wants to try it out.
Now, onto your question - you're a DOPAMINE/Estrogen guy, and it matches the description as you said. And you're also with a DOPAMINE/Testosterone girl, but you wear the pants. That's great because Director women are not necessarily Dominant women. Femininity and Masculinity are not related to the Director or Negotiator - think of these as separate concepts. A Director is a traditionally masculine psychology, whereas a Negotiator is a traditionally feminine psychology. However, men are still men, and women are still women - so Negotiator men can still be very Dominant men, and Director women can still be very Feminine women. The key is that the styles of expression are different among Directors versus Negotiators.
There is a distinction between Dominance within a relationship and Femininity. In my own experience, Director women WANT to be feminine, and they WANT to be dominated - but their style of thinking and communication is more masculine than feminine - very direct, logical, blunt, and pragmatic, as examples. And in psychology, it could be argued that a Director is more traditionally masculine - ambitious, driven, career focused, as examples. So she does find herself in situations where she is the leader of her group, or in her career, and she's looked up to by men and finds herself in a familiar position of being on the top. However, the kind of man this woman is really looking for is someone that can bring her down to earth and make her feel like a woman - through Dominance, but also bringing forth the authenticity and passion of the Negotiator.
In my experience, I've found that Dominant women tend to be Builders most of all, but I've met Dominant women of all types.
It's up to you as to what side of yourself you want to embrace. Keep in mind that all humans have the four chemicals - Dopamine, Serotonin, Testosterone, Estrogen - but Helen argues that we are all hard wired for two of those chemicals to be dominant in our psychology. It really brings up the question of Nature vs Nurture - can you truly change your disposition by willpower and choice alone? Personally, I am finding more happiness embracing what I already am and finding girls that can keep up.
Thanks for the reply
Thanks for clearing that up. I had a feeling that, like you said, the difference was in expression of feminine/masculine traits and not the determining factor for them.
Turns out I had my girl take the test and she's Explorer/Negoitor (Directir coming in close third).
This subject really has my mind gears turning and in a discussion with Darius (who runs sexystyleforjoe.com) he mentioned that he's seen certain studies that show physical traits are the deciding factor in finding desirable mates. Maybe there is some overlap, and this subject is really an interesting and seemly very undecided area of study.
I'm glad that practicing game isn't as complicated as figuring out why it works!
J Wick -
J Wick -
Oh yeah, man - physical attraction is a huge deciding factor in finding desirable mates. This is one of the reasons that many of the authors and articles on GirlsChase keep pushing for increasing your fundamentals and attractiveness as a man before working on anything else, and even as you get more advanced - so that the girls you approach see you as a sexy guy right off the bat and makes the pick up easier and faster because of that "love at first sight" effect among other things.
In my view there is another important arena at play - what to do when and after that physical attraction is already there and you want to connect with a girl - deep diving,etc. - perhaps to advance the pickup and have it go faster and spike her attraction and feelings to you, or as something to play in your favor when she's not sold on your looks alone. Another area is how to manage a relationship with the girl you're with - maybe you've slept with her once or twice and you want to create a casual relationship or non-exclusive relationship, or you're looking for a serious girlfriend and want to pick the best one for you. This is where these psychological components become relevant - how your personality mixes with the girl's personality, and how you can strategize behavior and the relationship around that.
Too Long; Didn't Read
While this article has insight, it's just WAY too long. If this was an article discussing a major concept in pick up, I'd consider reading. But judging from the title, this topic doesn't warrant such a long article.
Also, in the future, summarize. Don't just copy and paste quote after quote. Summarize the author's points and make it an easier read.
Hi JasonF,
Hi JasonF,
Appreciate your feedback on the piece, even though you didn't read it. You might not agree, but I think that psychology and personality matching is a major concept in pick up - at the end of the day you're connecting with and leading your girl, and if you know her right off the bat the process can be much smoother and easier and more fun, because you're calibrating the pick up to the girl as opposed to treating every single woman with the same approach and hoping it sticks. Of course we do want to find a process that works well for us across the spectrum, but for me it's become even more fun as I've crafted and tested different approaches to different kinds of women.
feedback
Just don't get that much into quoting, more tell in your words and if you feel it gets long - better to split it into series of 2-3 articles, then launch one piece that will look like this and scare some folks.
Psychology matters, keep up good work, dude.
Leave a Comment