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Several times over the years, both on this site and in our newsletter, I’ve discussed compliments: both how to compliment, as well as when to do it, what compliments work best, and even a few nonverbal tricks to make your compliments more convincing.
Despite that, I notice most guys still don’t compliment much, and I suspect this is largely due to a few common fears around complimenting:
- “What if my compliment draws attention to my own undesirable traits?”
- “What if it sounds like I’m just trying to ingratiate myself?”
- “What if I inflate her ego too much?”
I’m not going to tell you those fears are preposterous, because those things do happen.
However, I will tell you those fears are most likely overblown.
And I’m also going to tell you that if you even have these fears at all, you have little to worry about when it comes to paying compliments.
Let’s tackle some of these concerns though, and address what’s behind them.
Comments
Right on the spot / Angry women
Hey Chase,
I was just thinking about this a couple days ago that relates directly to this article.
How do I come across not too strong, but not too less?
Too strong, and she feels uncomfortable - becomes reserved, "Why it feels off for her"
Too little, well, that's obvious. Auto rejection or doesn't even know or consider you.
I guess the first question prior to the above is how to recognize her discomfort is because you're too strong as opposed to her lack of interest.
In the midst of my thoughts, a scenario popped up:
I go up approach, and give a genuine compliment about her beauty who then proceeds to think, "Oh he wants me so badly! How cute!" "Sorry, I have a boyfriend, but thanks!"
Bait taken and escaped
Not exactly what I want
Side note: You mention about flirting verbally but having opposite nonverbal or vice versa to maintain intrigue. I guess this is the solution?
Re: Angry women
You had an article of pacing her reality earlier and that got me thinking...
A lot of articles have talked about angry women equates to horny women.
But then the question is, how do we talk to these women while they're closed off, puffing, and being aloof? Yes, they're horny, now what.
The example in your valentines day article is great, but in that scenario, there's a topic to rant about.
When she's closed off and angry...
Example
I approach her casually during day, and she's just angry and quiet to herself.
I try to make causal talk about where she's heading and she doesn't reply.
I say, "Having a bad day", which is the worse thing to say I found.
She goes "What's it to you?" or "Buzz off"
Showing interest here feels off (also rewarding bad behaviour)
Can potentially turn her response into flirty comment (insert clumsy damsel in distress witty reply by Lawliet). Other than that, I'm out of ideas. Move her? I wonder if bad mood will cause someone less likely to comply despite of interested. But if she's horny, she doesn't have to like you anyway (Why she has sex article)
Expressing interest and they give you zero reaction - ignores (because they're too busy pouting) doesn't look too good.
That's what I think, what do you think, Chase?
Thanks,
Lawliet
Calibration, Bored Look
Lawliet-
That's a question of calibration. And attainability.
There's no way to teach the full subtlty of calibration via text. Not that I know of. The field is the only teacher. That said, these articles may help...
On strength, firmness, frame control, and playfulness:
On attainability:
Opposing verbal and nonverbal can work for some situations. But you have to calibrate. The only place you learn calibration is out talking to girls. If you can't learn this inuitively (and I suspect this is your issue), you'll have to figure out a way to learn it mechanically. My suggestion for that would be to be active on the boards, write extensive field reports on your outings, and go back and seek to parse the details out as you do and pick up on little things you didn't pick up on the first time through.
If a girl tells you to get lost or buzz off, look at her like this until she cracks:
Chase
Changing gears from compliments to sexual / The look
To follow up my previous comment,
In my scenario of girl thinking, "Oh he wants me badly." in response to our interest
Is this when we calibrate, and go sexual because a possibility why she would think this is she sees herself higher value than us (he pedestals me!)?
My logic is this: if a girl saw Brat Pitt, she wouldn't think, "Oh he wants me so badly!" because his status is much higher than hers. She would probably think, "Oh he's interested! I better not screw this up!"
All of which is shown through social reactions.
Could this be one of the cues to switch gears?
I remember trying switching to sexual. The girl was aloof and texting despite of my previous opening so I thought, eh let's see what happens. So I let out my sexy voice about her legs after a innocuous question leading to it (threat cutting). Apparently, she just looked at me, had a 3 sec stare without saying a word and then back to her phone. I guess it doesn't help if she isn't interested
Re: The look
Now we know about the look. Even my friends who don't know pickup but are naturally good with girls know about getting "the look".
Is the look simply girl looking at us for 5 seconds plus, holding their gaze or is there something else to differentiates it from simply seeing what's up with this guy's outfit/hat/messy hair / huh I didn't notice this guy there?
I have girls look me up and down, then I approach and get shot down.
Girls who hold gaze with me, but I know are friends with me only.
Then the ones who look at me the moment we are within vicinity of 5 metre radius of each other and just keep staring whenever we pass by, glaring at me sometimes.
Then the ones who look at me while I'm not looking, and continue to stare at me as I casually turn and say hi, but these ones are hot with me right off the bat (instant number grab possible) and is more extreme cases of the look, yes?
Conclusion: The look is the same stare men give off as they see hot women. It's just staring and not doing anything. Women do it too! Surprise! But having a "Go trump!" shirt could allure stares...and some bonus glares sure and I'll bet my dollar she ain't interested in the man underneath.
Interesting. Just shows nothing is certain completely (either that or I'm not recognizing the look from a regular stare).
Side note: I can remember more cases of getting stares when I was early freshman in my baggy hoodie days and haven't come across this site yet. Still trying to figure out what changed and led to less. Funny thing was i had more pimples back then! Maybe I look older with facial hair which I don't shave and looks wild? Can't be the pimples can it ;D
Lawliet
Questions
nice one chase...keep em coming
two questions, if higher status can be uninterested, can lower status mean still interested????
second, I want to daygame but feel loitering when out only to pick up, how does your day game plan look??
and more practical outline for under radar & her chasing game please?!!! I worry about auto rejection without compliment as she chase. thanks.
Status, Day Game, and Chasing
Anon-
If a girl views you as lower status than herself, it is possible for her to go for you, but compliments require more finesse. The lower status man who uses compliments tends to go for the pitbull approach, where he just hangs onto her and piles the compliments on while aggressively trying to move her and get her to invest. She fends him off, shrugs him off, deflects him, but if he hangs around and keeps at it at some point maybe she goes, “Oh, okay, let’s go hook up.” This is the ‘low status but ballsy’ approach.
The other route you can go if she sees you as low status is to go build preselection or social proof and turn her ideas about you around. Then you get to come back in higher status.
I discuss some of my approach to day game here:
Our other authors have written more on it in these articles:
Under-the-radar, check out this article by Jerome:
On what do when she’s chasing, some details here:
There’s also a full chapter on it in my ebook.
And if you still need more, my new course will have an entire module (about 4 hours of video + a book) on how to get girls chasing you and how to run the courtship with girls who are in pursuit. We shoot the video in 2 weeks. So stay tuned!
Chase
Terrible at getting attached
How attractive is it when you say that "I'm terrible at getting into deep connections with people, there are always people I like, but I never get attached that much so that it was too hard to let people go or go away myself. Free choice always stays my priority.".
Because it's the trait I really have.
How You Frame It
Attachment-
Well, when you frame it that way, it sounds like it’s a problem you have.
But were you to say, “I don’t know, I love people, but most of the girls I meet just aren’t able to get past my armor. I don’t know what it is, or what they’re not doing. I really wish I could meet a girl I really connected with, but it just seems like the average woman is not up to the task,” now suddenly you are a Byronic hero with flaws and problems who’s just set her the ultimate challenge: get under the skin of this inscrutable man. And she’ll salivate.
It’s all in how you frame things.
Chase
I HAVE THE POWER!!!!!
Chase, I really want to get good at this, I really want to get good with women. Idk what's wrong with me, but lately I have been having crazy urges, I think about all the girls I have had sex with, I think about girls I see that are sexy and picture them naked, then me fucking them, I'm not giving a fuck when I'm in the club about rejecting, I'm in the mindset of, " I will find me a girl tonight!" I'm experiencing everything that you have read in your previous articles, it's amazing, I just have to do day game and get my approaches up. When doing club game I still have a hard time getting dates, so I have a hard time getting laid from that, I only get laid from girls that I worked with.
I'm just in the mode now where I want this, I really want to get better, the approaching I just fucking me up though. when I was younger I never had to do that, I never had to talk much, but now I gotta learn, I want this, I feel I should be sleeping with many girls, I believe I can do it and I will!
1. I want to sleep with one girl a week, is this possible for a beginner? am I aiming too high, I want to get as many lays as possible since I'm almost 30. I want to be able to find many attractive women, but I don't see enough, I need to see more.
2. What can I do to get all of the basics down pat? I have read too many articles so I have a lot of information, but I feel I should just start with basic raw fundamentals. What can I work on that is basic for a beginner and help me get laid the fastest? What's the fastest way I can becoming Sexier? I want to make this as easy as possible, and also to make girls want to approach me as well.
3. I think you answered this before, but I don't think I remember what article it was, but I want to start day game, I really do, I can get close to the girls, but nothing comes out my mouth, I just get close and do nothing, no idea what to say. I freeze, and I'm like damn, I can't talk, or they are with their family or some bf from no where comes, and that makes me not want to do it. Anyway I want to be able to do day game and approach more.
4. How do I develop a good talk game? I'm the strong silent type, so talking isn't really my strength until I get more comfortable, I want to spit good game to these girls, I want to have a good mouthpiece, I want to be able to make women wet with my words. I can talk to girls, but i get stuck a lot, sometimes it's hard for me to talk.
How can I do this? How do I learn to do this as a beginner and a gut who doesn't talk much, or like to talk much?
5. I'm at the point right now where I just want to sleep with girls, I don't want to do any dates, I don't want to wait days of weeks, I don't want to waste time, I'm striving for first date sex only, I don't want to hit any road blocks, I want to get as good as I can.
How can I do this as a beginner? what can I work on now?
6. Is it possible for me to lay a good amount? I want to be at 100. I'm almost 30, but as you said in the articles, that once or 33, 34 or so, you need to have etc. Don't mean to harp on this, but I am not playing with time any more, it is going by fast, and I won't let it pass me by.
7. It's gotten to the point where I'm thinking of making social media profiles, online dating, etc. just to get more women. Like facebook, instagram, snap chat, pof, tinder, you name it. Should I even do this? I'm trying to have as many opportunities as I can.
Just want to get it all out of the way.
I appreciate everything.
I will be a master at this!!!!!!
To Begin
SZ-
Complete the Newbie Assignment:
Newbie Assignment
No tricks, no cheats, don’t skip of any of the assignments. If you fail a day, go out the next day and do it right. Chronicle your assignment in a journal on the Journals Board:
Journals
Once you’ve finished that, if you’re still unsure what to do, post on the General Board with this subject line: “Newbie Assignment: Finished. Now What?” But I bet you won’t need help to figure out what comes next at that point.
Chase
Beginning
Hey Chase.
In my case, i don't have many places to go out because i'm on foot and barely have money to pay for transport regularly. And since there's not many foot traffic around here, opportunities to approach are few, so that kinda intimidates me to start, say, approaching at least 6 girls a day and saying hi to them.
I also feel uncomfortable maintaining eye contact, specially with women.
So today i sat down and decided to start doing something but personalize it a bit: first three days (including today) - hold eye contact with at least 6 people, 3 of which must be attractive women.
Next three days: 3 Indirect approaches per day (i.e.: asking if they know where x place is located).
Next three days: 3 Direct or indirect direct approaches and *optional* - push the interaction and try to get a number/date.
And for the rest of the days until the end of the month, make at least 20 approaches.
I completed my first day of the first task, it felt really uncomfortable holding eye contact with the women in particular but i feel a sort of relief for having done it :)
Pedestal
I super confused I thought we wern’t supposed to compliment because it would be putting them on a pedestal...
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