She Always Needs to Think You’re in Control | Girls Chase

She Always Needs to Think You’re in Control

Chase Amante

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Chase Amante's picture

content="If a girl doesn’t think you’re in control, her attraction and respect for you suffer. Yet, you needn’t be the uptight in-control guy to show her this.">

That sounds like a power-mad, insecure, control-freak title for an article, doesn’t it?

“She always needs to think you’re in control.”

Pretty outdated, right?

Especially in a world in which more men consider ‘masculinity’ a bad thing than a good thing:

you're in control

In truth, we get plenty of guys who stumble upon Girls Chase articles (and mine in particular) who object to just this advice:

  • “Why does the guy have to do everything?”
  • “Why do I have to be in control?”
  • “Why can’t women just take the lead sometimes?”

But this article isn’t so much about WHY you must lead, nor much about HOW to lead.

If you want to know more about that subject, check these articles out:

Rather, this article is about keeping up appearances, and not giving a girl the impression that the guy she’s with is floating along, doesn’t have a clue, or is abdicating leadership of the courtship... whether to her, to Mother Nature, or to fate, luck, hope, or chance.

She always needs to think you are in control.

Because if she doesn’t, she ain’t hanging around.

Comments

Pete's picture

Thank you for this!

Just a question, though - wouldn't this example you showed us show that she's in control?

Her: Oh no, I sooo want to go, but my parents are in town this week! I have to spend time with them!

You: Ah, bummer :(

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Pete-

Good question. It’s a neutral withdrawal from a contest you likely won’t win.

It is a 'firm no' scenario, as in this article:

You're not going to convince her to change her plans over text (I mean, there's a chance you can, but it's gambling, and if you want to take that shot you don't so much need the advice in the article). And if you try to renegotiate then and there, you're chasing.

So instead you 'drop it and move on' in text format, essentially saying, "This isn't going anywhere; I'll withdraw for now."

Just a way to back out of a negative compliance situation gracefully without losing power by chasing, pleading, or acting defeated.

Chase

SZ's picture

Chase, regarding to the part when you don't sleep with a girl and remain in control.
Could you explain why I never got this girl?

I worked with this girl, moved fast got her number, and chilled at her house within a week. We talked, then I pulled her in for a kiss, and we kissed, then she said she was on the rag, I haven't heard this in a while and I totally forgot to try to fuck her while on the rag. anyway, we kept kissing, and I kept feeling on her and sucking her titties, and all of that. I never said anything about sex, but she did assume that I wanted it, I didn't say anything, and just kept kissing her because I genuinely enjoyed it.

We left on good terms, I didn't try to take her pants off, or force her to have sex, I never mentioned sex, we just kissed the whole night, which was like an hour.

After that she never responded to my invitations outside of work, and she would lie about chilling when I asked at work. I wasn't thirsty either, I asked casually if she wanted to hang here and there, then she said that she thought all I wanted to have was sex.

Point being is that I remained cool and kissed her because I was fine with that, she didn't reject my advances, all she said was she was on her period, and I left it alone.

What happened?

Author
Chase Amante's picture

SZ-

If she can tell (or suspects) that what you really want is sex, and you did not get it, her attraction for you is shot. You missed the escalation window.

The only time this is not the case is if you are clearly in the lead the entire time, and it’s clear to her that the date ended the way you wanted it to end, at the time you wanted it to end. If you’re not clearly in charge, she will assume you wanted sex, but just didn’t know how to get it or were too scared to go for it, and backward rationalize she didn’t want to give it to you.

Chase

Seppuku's picture

Hey SZ,

To what Chase wrote, I also want to add one thing. Sometimes, her mention of a "period" can be a test of your persistence and determination. Her period might be nearly over, or she might not have a period at all, and she just mentions this to see if you are going to insist or immediately give up.

If this is the case, you are just failing one of her tests.

So next time you hear "I have my period", it is worth insisting your way. You may want to venture a finger, and propose to put a towel, and keep insisting... it may still end well. If she is really adamant about her period after you insisted, then ok, the concern was legit, just let it go, and she will still appreciate your persistence.

Cheers,
Seppuku

Bad Frog's picture

Polarity builds attraction. So-called equality is a one-way ticket to the friend zone.

Fredo's picture

Had a situation recently where a girl at work who never really spoke to smiled at me twice. 2 weeks later she was at a after work event at a bar with other coworkers my bosses etc. She didn't rely pay attention to me, so when she walked by, I made a quick comment, we talked 3 minutes a little about martial arts. didn't seem interested in me, she left and sat with friends. Later in evening, I went over by her table and she blurted out "we can do martial arts together" It was unexpected. Later the group left for another bar and she asked me if I was going to this o
ther bar, and I said yes. All the time, there was this other guy with her, pretty good looking. At the other bar , I talked with her briefly, but for a variety of reasons, not wanting to compete with other guy in a after work setting in front of bosses , I basically weaseled out, figuring naively I had enough attraction to talk to her at work another time. In the end she left with the other guy, and on the way out touched my arm and said goodbye, nice meeting you. I figure she probably went home with this guy, but I myself am too self conscious to that in front of work people, but I guess t my company maybe its acceptable. . To much in my head. that being the case, 4 days later at work I ran into her and she smile and waved at me. The next day I casually asked if she wanted to hang out with my work group, she said no she had plans, and also didn't seem to interested or smiling like before. So is it fair to say, once a women offers herself to you and you don't take it and another guy (presumably does) , that your pretty much shortlisted, or is their anything I could do to turn this around, possibly by occasionally gamming /talking with her? Thanks

Seppuku's picture

Hey Fredo,

When she was smiling at you in the office, she was letting you know that she's open for an approach, and most likely available.

Her "we can do martial arts together" was also an invitation to act.

These signs of attraction from a woman are usually very short lived and should be acted upon immediately. Eventually she went with the guy who took action and led her.

Conclusion, this is over now. If she is fucking the other guy, she is no longer available - that's the way women work. If she is not fucking him, or no longer, she already views you as another guy who don't act.

Your best course of action now is to move on, and not try anything with her for at least a few months. If you try to act now, you will be needy and chasey and it will kill off whatever chance left, if any. Don't chase her, don't pursue her, let her go for now and focus on other girls. If you manage to do that, stars *may* align again after a few months (or may never again).

We all went through these good lessons: the price of not acting fast enough, and the short lived nature of attraction. Remember it the next time!

I hope this helps.

Cheers,
Seppuku

Jason Young's picture

Rejections come with the rewards of taking risks; regrets & the friend zone are the alternatives to taking risks.

Seppuku's picture

Hey Chase,

Yes, this is what it's all about. Another great article!

I want to add that it remains true also in the post seduction phases.

If you end up in a relationship with her, she still needs to feel that you're in control... with an additional difficulty. Because of her need to secure the man and the relationship, she will try all she can to control the man. If he lets her achieve that - most of the time being unaware of the dynamic at play - he is no longer in control, and her attraction will tank.

In an LTR, staying in control, against her attempts to control you, is key to the stability of the relationship. It is probably causing a lot of unions to fail. It certainly costed me my marriage back in my day.

The issue is that most men are unaware of the dynamic at play. For this too, GirlsChase was really an eye opener.

Thanks Chase!
Cheers,
Seppuku

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Absolutely, Seppuku!

I suppose you might say this was essentially the courtship version of this piece for relationships:

A Failed Relationship is a Failure of Leadership

From what I can gather, seems to be one of the primary contributory causes to breakups and divorces (reasons like “money problems” or “just wasn’t happy anymore” or “we grew apart” just describe the symptoms instead of the cause).

With how you’ve been doing on the boards, I’m pretty confident that your next crack at something long-term won’t suffer the same issue.

Chase

Seppuku's picture

Chase,

Yes, hopefully better next time. First, remaining in control, and second, not letting her fully control you. There would be a third - never showing your weaknesses - because women are attracted into a man's strength and put off by his weaknesses.

Ultimately this is why we should be learning seduction: to be able to secure relationships with more favorable terms. Only by becoming experts in women mindsets can we hope to achieve this.

Cheers,
Seppuku

Adversity's picture

Nice article.
Yeah, in most situations it's quite of a piece of cake (which as much hard as you are squeamish - if you're not that scared and vanilla - it won't take much to handle it), but what if you get into situations where you just don't see you can win?

1. You get approached by a physically stronger guy (or gang of guys) who threaten you to "leave HER alone", because they want her and you risk to be punched if you don't comply.
2. Similar to 1st one, but the boyfriend appears out of nowhere (you may have not known he exists) and is aggressive towards you (happened to you in Mongolia, right?)
3. You get into environment where she knows things better (like having Chinese girlfriend in China and knowing little to nothing about how to behave in these cultural settings and terrible at their language?).
4. You and your girl get attacked by an angry dog and you don't seem to able to do anything about it...
5. You get crushed in your business and suddenly you have nothing.

list can go on, but how can you stay in control and keep her attracted when you have no other option, but to surrender?

T's picture

6. You are standing in a line of fire.
7. You are in front of a death squad.
8. Your aeroplane has a flow demolition.

You got the point? :-)

I think there is huge difference between the attack of a angry dog and an snafued approach or conversation with a girl. Sometimes there are situations that are out of your control. And in the case of the dog: do you really think that in such a case she thinks about attraction?
There are also articles about such things e.g.:
http://www.girlschase.com/content/how-be-street-smart-handle-life-threat...
or/and
http://www.girlschase.com/content/when-its-worth-fighting

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Adversity-

Sometimes there's a way to stay in control, sometimes not. Obviously, if 10 guys are pointing guns at you saying give us your wallet or you're dead, there's no way you stay in control. So it depends on the scenario.

As to your scenarios:

  1. Address the girl, not the men ("Whoa, what's the deal with these guys? Uh, maybe you and I should clear out of here"). As in this article: "How to Stop a Cockblock (Without Breaking a Sweat)." Of course, if they physically engage with you, then you'll have to decide if the girl and your pride is worth the fight, or if the risk of you getting beaten or going to jail or accidentally killing the guy if you knock him out and he hits his head wrong is worth it.

  2. Happened to me plenty of times. You turn to the girl, say, "Are you guys together?" and if she says 'yes' you tell him he's a lucky man, make a little small talk with them, and get out. If she says 'no', you say, "Okay, want to go sit over there?" and get her away from him. When the guy pretends to be her boyfriend to cockblock, and then it doesn't work, and then she ditches him, that sends 99% of these guys into full on tail-between-their-legs mode.

  3. Make her your guide. "I don't know where X is so you'll have to show me." "What's that? It looks tasty. Can you order some of that for us?" "Hey, I need help finding X. Can you see where this is for me?" "Give me a few language lessons."

  4. Well, if it outright bites/mauls/attacks you, I guess kick it / grab it? I've never had a dog do anything other than bark at me angrily. In which case I just talk to it a bit. A few times I've had dogs run right up to me angrily, and pushed whoever was with me behind me, squared up with the dog, stared at it, and growled. Stops the dog from coming closer. Once it stops I tell it, "Go away, poochie!" then break eye contact and slowly walk away, keeping myself between the dog and anyone else I'm with.

  5. Business failure: well yeah, that sucks. If she was only with you for the money (assuming you were making money), she's gone. But if she was with you for you, so long as the failure doesn't totally crush you and destroy you, you're fine. I've dealt with business failures and other major setbacks with girlfriends and never had them jump ship.

Surrender is a state of mind.

Even in front of the firing squad or with your head in the guillotine, like T mentions, you can preserve your dignity and meet your fate with honor - and that's as attractive as anything else in the world.

Chase

Tennant's picture

Why do girls avoid or " dance around " certain questions , topics , or confrontation such as "hey do you usually exercise " or " hey what type of music do you like " etc . Can't really explain well but it always seem like they're avoiding certain questions when they're compliant the rest of the time. ( questions usually aren't personal so it confuses me more )

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Tennant-

Yeah, seems funny on the surface, huh? I dropped those questions long ago because 1.) girls don’t answer them well so often, and 2.) the questions never help the courtship anyway, at least not the way I run things.

My experience is if she dances around it it’s because her answer, were she to give it, is not impressive. If she tells you she only gets to the gym once a month she looks like a sloth. If she tells you she listens to whatever’s on the Top 40 she sounds like an airhead. Considering most girls only get to the gym once a month and listen to whatever’s on the Top 40, well, you get the idea!

Chase

Tennant's picture

Ah that actually clears things up, I thought it was something on my side that was the problem , but what would be the problem during compliance topics such as asking them if they " want to go " hiking / visit a scenic area / etc. ( something more intimate )" because sometimes I can tell they're trying to dodge the question / push me to go somewhere else to do that with someone and I'm not sure if it's the problem is that they don't want to do any of that with me or that it's just a slight resistance due to uncertainty on her side. ---- I appreciate all you guys do on this site and am in debt for the impact you guys have had on my life.

Lawliet's picture

Hey Chase,

I always had this in the back of my mind but never consciously realize it.
Have to keep it cool and always handle whatever comes along (or at least look like it) is what I think it was, so I'm glad you wrote this!

I remember a girl who was already giving me the looks, and we were late and stuck on the bus waiting to reach the terminal. She asks me, "Why do you look so calm?" as she freaks out and complains aloud about the bus driver (approach invitation). I just look her in the eye and said in a slow sexy voice, "I can handle it. ;)"

Felt great! Need more of this happening in my life, opportunities to show women and conquer them while seeming "opportunity just happened" and wasn't contrived; it was natural! Stuck at "open, responds well? chat a bit more and banter, number close." Just wasn't that exciting as looking at the cute and silly doll with a "I know something you don't know" grin haha!

Re: Under the radar and a "social out"
Just curious, if we take the co-worker (work environment, under the radar, use excuse like "friend party") example and put it in a general daygame/nightgame, how would it look like?

I remember in your article about general game: it's sticking out our necks instead of fooling around and making it seem "well I was just kidding. didn't really get rejected. Can't remember exactly which one it was. Followed by the hiding the banana article on this (either direct or indirect).

There's much more I'm getting at here with the interrelated concept and implementation, and I'm sure it can have its own article but an example on my mind now is: Would we implement a social polite invite excuse that's socially contrived for the intention of "if she reject us, we can play it the other way to save face" in your aforementioned example and apply it in cold approach?

Lawliet

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Lawliet-

Day game and night game are much more “direct” environments, so you won’t ordinarily try to use a social invite to get a girl out. You just look like you’re too frightened to ask her out directly. In ambiguous situations like school or work, discretion is typically better advised and more appreciated. In cold approach, she knows why you walked up to her, and it’s not because you just have to invite her to this party your friend’s throwing.

Chase

Nomad's picture

What do you think about when lovers let their sweetheart to read their messages, share passwords and similar stuff? Do you think it's ever worth it?
I see couples doing it A LOT and I'm not the one who is happy with this stuff, what's your opinion on it? Isn't it that privacy should be respected?

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Nomad-

I’m not down with that, no. I think it’s just goofy.

Basically just a way for people who don’t trust each other to feel moderately safer their partner is not cheating on them.

Chase

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