When Talking to Girls, Make the Boring Exciting | Girls Chase

When Talking to Girls, Make the Boring Exciting

Chase Amante

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Chase Amante's picture

There was a quite wonderful article in the New York Times the other day about the use of storytelling and narratives.

In the piece, “What Happens When Baseball-Stats Nerds Run a Pro Team?”, the authors reveal their discovery that simply conveying bare factual information ultimately proved less inspiring – despite its accuracy – and that when they began to spin a narrative around the reasons for their actions, players took this more to heart, put their emotions into the game, and started winning.

There’s a great parallel here with talking to girls, too: because if all you’re doing is conveying facts, you’ll struggle to get buy-in, pleasure, excitement, and attention... even if your facts are the best facts in the business.

As you know all too well if you read this site regularly, emotions are a woman’s bread and butter: she doesn’t want to know your details.

She wants to feel something. Facts don’t do this for her. Stories do.

talking to girls

If you can make her feel those up and down emotions, that thrill, and that excitement, she is as good as yours.

Comments

Nomar's picture

Chase - great piece! And I'm only 32% saying that because you referenced Boston ;) #freebrady

This reminds me of another piece I read recently - I forget the author. I think the idea is that guys not only ask questions for facts - but then relate the facts to even more facts, like in your example above. Guy is thinking: "Okay - she's from the south? Hmm. What do I know about that? Well, Texas is a state there! I'll mention that!" That, as opposed to relating those facts to HER.

What questions do you find are the best to bring out good stories?

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Nomar-

Cool handle. And, right, men tend to string together facts... which doesn't make for the most captivating conversation for women!

Check out this article on getting women to tell you their stories:

More on getting women to tell you all about themselves here:

Chase

Tim Tobbler's picture

Hey man,

A concept you use in a lot of articles, that I don't think you've directly addressed, is what I like to call NOGM, No One Girl Matters. It's the idea that you shouldn't get truly attached to any one girl, as that brings up your compliance, down your value, and really just brings disappointment. There are billions of girls out there, so treat even the best of them just like anyone else. It's a good idea. But what about that one girl who truly breaks the scales?

I'm a student at a small college, and there's this girl, let's call her Lorena. Incredibly smart and dedicated, 4.0 GPA, passionate about what matters to her, the perfect amount of innocent, a little nerdy, and unbelievably gorgeous. As in so incredibly attractive that a number of my friends actually use her as a benchmark for beauty, considering her to be an easy 10. I can honestly say, and many of my peers would agree, that even at a college with thousands of girls to see every day, I haven't yet found one that doesn't look perfectly average next to Lorena. Even celebrities don’t really compare. Most of my friends would agree with all of this, it's not some silly crush, she's actually just beyond measure attractive, and she is constantly approached by guys, and is very used to turning them down.

In one class of mine, she sits a few seats away from me, and one day, I stay after class to talk to a TA about some particular topic I’m really interested in, and she hangs around just listening without saying a word. I assume she wants to say something to the TA and I’m holding her up, so I ask her, and she says she’s just interested in the conversation. Minutes later, she’s still listening quietly, and when I’m done she says something to the TA, then walks out and disappears. A socially-calibrated friend of mine who was in the room approaches me afterward and confidently tells me she’s definitely interested in me, and in that moment I almost had a small stroke. The problem is, what game could I use? She’s seen it all, and I’m almost shocked at my ability to talk to her like I would to anyone else. All the normal rules assume normal or even exceptional girls, but this girl just doesn’t fit in the rulebook. How do you engage a truly one-in-a-million girl? A girl who has men doting after her every day (and yet remarkably has not been corrupted by it). I have a week left until the end of the semester, and next semester she is transferring to an elite school. We both live nearby, so if I could start a relationship we could carry it through the summer, and I’m definitely interested in a relationship, not so much in sex just yet, but I have absolutely no idea what to do, and most of your guides assume typical girls.

Help?

Tim Tobbler's picture

So I spoke to her. We had two typical conversations (I wasn't able to pull off sex god, but I'm new at this. Bite me) and I learned a lot about her. She doesn't have wings, she doesn't have perfect skin (but it's pretty close) and she's not brilliant. She's definitely at least a 9, but she's not perfect. She's also clearly been affected by her looks. For example, a guy complimented her appearance, and she basically ignored it, which I can only guess is the result of years of conditioning to expect to receive all of her value from her looks. Moreover, she's insecure. She engages in a decent amount of grooming behavior, and she clearly has a strong psychological dependence on her appearance, even if she is still smart, cute and passionate.

As for my attempts with her, we've had two in-depth conversations, and the confidence vibe went great, but I wasn't able to do sexual. At this point, I'd say our conversations put me somewhere between boyfriend territory and friend territory, so I need to push towards lover for our next conversation, though I'm not entirely sure how to do that. I've also noticed something really interesting about how she responds to conversations with other guys (noting I haven't had enough interaction with her and other guys together to know for sure): they tend to act either off-putting or overvaluing toward her, and she doesn't really respond to either of these cases. I'm guessing she's subconsciously very used to receiving complements and being put on a pedestal, and has learned that this does not make someone lover material. I, on the other hand, have taken opportunities when they present themselves to tease her a little. I tend to struggle with constructive teasing vs. destructive teasing and being judgemental, in that my teases tend to put girls down just a little, but in this case I think it may actually be helping me maintain the dominant position, even if it sacrifices good feelings. Basically, slightly insulting teasing, like giving her a look that says "You really did that?" when she talks about a personal failure, seems to keep her off the pedestal, and either my equal or just below. I assume that if I were to start giving her complements about her looks, or maybe even just one, then I would instantly and irrevocably be routed into that same mental box in which she keeps all her other "guy friends," so I'm definitely not going to do that.

She craves value from sources other than her looks, apparently, so that can be a good in. If I can figure out a way of tossing her enough credit related to something she does well other than looking gorgeous to cause good feelings, that could get the gears rolling. I also need to figure out how I'm going to up the sexual factor going forward. I only have one or two more opportunities to meet her and secure a date and/or number before the semester finishes at the end of this week, and I obviously can't suddenly start acting like a James Bond because of the incongruity with my previously-established personality as smart, hard-working and maybe a little cocky. Now that we've had a few conversations though, it's really easy to talk to her, I just need to figure out how to get us into a more sexual space.

As you can probably tell, I've read a lot of your articles, and I reread the ones that I find are very helpful. I see why the sex-first approach works, and though I'm rather inexperienced, I find it very easy to discuss sexual experiences, feelings and preferences, leaving that as a good way to open up the sexual side. I'm a quick learner, but I hope I can learn what I need to plan a date with this girl in the next two days. Any advice greatly appreciated.

Tim

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Tim-

Hope you made some moves before semester-end, man.

The best place for timely / specific-girl help is our forum:

http://www.girlschase.com/boards

Lots of sharp guys on there and they’re often willing to lend a helping hand.

That said, do be aware when you’re falling into this:

Can't Stop Thinking About Her? Here's Why You Need to Meet More Girls

… and spending tons of time trying to profile some girl and maneuver yourself with her when you haven’t even asked her out yet. Don’t put carts before horses; worry about all that stuff on the date. Do this first:

How to Ask a Girl Out and Always Get a "Yes"

You can worry about sexuality, etc., once she’s on a date with you.

Chase

AM's picture

This single website has helped me so much in the past two years. Not only Chase, each author here has done such awesome work. You people have flipped my life around.

This article is one example of the little things that you guys put under the lens and closely examine which flips small switches inside many minds, which changes entire perspectives!

Keep up the awesome work!
Cheers.

Lawliet's picture

Hey Chase,

Thanks for this article.
It came in perfect timing as I'm trying to shed rust off.
As I read it, I realized times when I and her were enjoying ourselves, a story was there... somewhere, unaware by myself, but it was there!

Hopefully I can at least go out and practice one whole day in a week.
Since work is usually too tiring and I'm not ready for nightgame yet, I've set a day out of the week dedicated for this. I need it!

But at this rate, I would probably be 30 before I reach the level I want to be at (high caliber gf in short time). Any advice or suggestion, goal setting that would quicken the pace for this would be great!


However, you can control the flow of your conversations so much more than this.

I'm curious now what else is there, it would be a good refresher to get rid of rust!

Re: Artistic element
Speaking of conversational skill, I've been thinking hard recently, sort of an insightful discovery.

Having an artistic feature to "What do you do?"
I noticed many seducers on the site have an interesting thing to say to "What do you do" and it helps paint a lover or high value man image in her head.

Ex. You say "I'm a writer" or "I'm a traveller" instead of office job you had at the time
Of course, some baiting before giving the exact specific thing.

Just curious, what did you say instead prior to writing a book for Amazon?
Or was fibbing an option? (Hook up)

Or for colt, it could be the rap he does.
For William, his comedian hobby

These "artistic feature" help paint the lover image, disqualify bf, and keeps it high value. More examples would be "I'm a photographer", a magician, a musician, a diamond in the rough, a vagabond, a orphaned underdog con artist! (maybe not the last one).
Apparently, all of you who are successful with women have that elements.

I'm curious what Alek says, and what Richardus says to what do you do, or if they circumvent it completely as she never asks. But if she doesn't know anything about you, will that cause any problems on the way to bed?

Question is whether this feature is important, a list of the possibilities of hobbies that give a good lover artist image and adapting one for to answer that drastic "what do you do" question in a way that boosts attraction and not provider value.

Thanks,
Lawliet

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Lawliet-

If I had anything faster than what I teach on this site, I would teach it on this site ;)

For a refresher on conversation control, I'd suggest you start here:

Couldn't tell you what other guys say to 'what do you do'... natural buddies of mine usually just crack jokes about it:

Her: What do you do?

Him: I work at a gym.

Her: Oh. Are you a personal trainer?

Him: No, I mop up all the sweat people leave on the equipment. [laughs] No, I'm just kidding. I work in the IT department.

... which is fine to say if you're not remotely a boyfriend candidate. Won't get you into any trouble.

Chase

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