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With this article, I’m kicking off a new series called
“Why
Relationships Fall Apart” that I’ll make further installments in as the
weeks go by. The first in the WRFA series is on something I’ve deemed
‘game-personality disconnect’. A comment from a reader named ‘straw’ in
my article on “Why Women Misremember the Past”
describes this perfectly:
“Hi Chase.
As much as i dont have much problem with pick up and short term relations, I have found it impossible to maintain a longer relationship. It is almost as if suddenly my value dropped to zero. The pattern repeats itself all the time and its been going on for years now. At the beginning, women get crazy about me, the persue a relationship and after more or less 3-4 months there is a complete almost overnight shoft in the interest department.
Is it possible that I employ too much game at the beginning so they are attracted to someone im not? I may put on some game at the beginning which makes them pursue me hard and then the moment i get involved, usually after a couple of months, i show them i am involved and their interest drops, they start criticizing me, and its almost like eveything i do is SUDDENLY bad and wrong or ridiculous.
If yoy are in a relationship with somebody of course you show you care, what would be the point otherwise. Why does my value drop a couple of months after we enter the relationship?”
The problem straw has run into is that the way you attract and take women itself serves as a screening tool, drawing in the women who are most attracted to that ‘style’.
Just like you probably have your own preference for submissive girls or feisty girls, and girls of an opposing style bore you or drive you nuts, women have their preferences too – and if you lure in women looking for one thing by behaving like it, only to revert to something else later on, for her it’s kind of like buying a ticket to a metalcore concert because that’s her scene only to show up there and discover it’s jazz (or vice versa).
Comments
Great article! Game is a line
Great article! Game is a line, NOT a segment...
Friends with Benefits
Hello Chase
I just discovered this site after reading an old post about Friends with benefits and since it is so old I didn't think you would be keeping up with the comments. I hope this is not a bad thing to do but I thought I would re-post my question here for you.
My best friend married a wonderful woman and at the wedding I met her best friend. She was currently dating a man who was with her at the time and even with him present we really hit it off. Well, I didn't think much of it until my friend told me she was thinking of breaking up with him and that we looked like we had chemistry. He basically told me I should see if there was something there and since I agreed about the chemistry I bit.
We hung out a couple more times while they were still together as a group and after a subtle hint from her friend that I was interested she broke up with the guy (I am pretty sure the subtle hint did not cause this in any way, but thought it important you know that she knew about this).
We ended up hanging out as a group quite a bit after that at bars and restaurants and there was real chemistry between us. I found out later that she was freaking out because she thought they were trying to set us up and she said "I don't want to date him" & "I want to be single for awhile after being with the other guy for 2 and a half years".
Well on one of the nights that she had apparently said to them she was freaking out we ended up spending the night on our friends couch and made out/cuddled throughout the night.
Fast forward a bit. We spent time together alone, watching movies and making out at her place and she texts me one night that she doesn't want to mislead me because right now she is scared at the thought of getting into another relationship since she just broke up after a long one and she wants to keep hanging out but wanted me to know she wasn't ready for a relationship.
I was bummed but I shrugged it off. I said "I really like you but completely understand as I have been in the same situation before and get it." I told her I would keep inviting her to do stuff since she wanted to hang out still and that if it was too much I wouldn't be offended if she let me know.
Well, the next weekend we went out and ended up having sex at her place. I spent the night and the next morning we had breakfast out and went for a hike. We have now had sex for 3 weeks in a row and she invited me to an office party with people she works at. She introduced me as a friend and showed me a little bit of the affection I normally get but still it was something good in front of people she works with.
I am still hearing from my friend that she is afraid to do things that are too "couply" even though we do them together when they aren't around. I have heard good things also... She told her friend that she has a lot of fun with me when we hang out together.
Basically my question is this. Am I just participating in a Friends with Benefits situation or are we building up to something here. I don't want to be naive. I mean she straight up told me, but I feel like we have moved so far ahead, and people only need so much time after they break up right? If I am patient and we keep moving forward can this thing work out into something more? I see so much potential in this woman and I feel like I will stick it out forever if I just know that I am not wasting my time.
Any opinion you have would help.
Thank you!
Brilliant article Chase.
Brilliant article Chase.
It is a big issue for me, I seem to have 2 personalities, one the normal me which is around my family friends etc, then when I'm out cold approaching I change completely my body language my energy and even my accent. In a way it makes me feel empty as if I couldn't attract them with the real me. Is there a reason we change personalities around girls, and is there a way we can be more "ourself"
Split Personality: With Family vs. with Girls
Max-
On the one hand, yeah, pretty normal to behave differently with different people. You’ll tend to be one way with your Mom, and another way with your best guy pal. And another still with your boss.
On the other hand, it’s my belief that the closer you can get all these personalities to each other, the better you’re doing with presenting yourself properly. If you can hang out with your Mom, your boss, your best buddy, and some hot girl you’d like to date at the same time and not feel like you have to be a bunch of different people, you’re in a good place.
If I was you, I’d examine the difference between your two “selves” and look for where you need to bring them more in line. Are you, say, slouching over with family? That might be comfortable, but perhaps that’s actually the one where you need to improve - both the Book of the Samurai and Confucius’s Analects note that one should be sitting with impeccable posture even when one is completely alone and unobserved.
It may be the case you’re being your “better self” with girls, and you’d do well to bring that over into more familiar relationships and let these relations enjoy the best of you too.
Or it may be you’re trying too hard with women and acting like someone you’re not… in which case you need to stop and ask yourself if you’re behaving like the man you’d like to become (in which case, proceed!), or if you’re behaving like what you think women like, but is not what you want to be (in which case, full stop… women are congruence-detection pros, and you’ll almost always turn them off doing this, even if you think this is what you “have” to do; worse still, if you become successful, you’ll discover you attract women you don’t connect well with at all and end up wondering why you can never get the women you really want. This one’s bad if it doesn’t work, and worse if it does).
Chase
Romance gradually in a romance early culture
Hi Chase,
Thanks for the article! What advice would you give a "romance gradually" kind of guy like myself living in a culture (France) where the other guys seem to be mostly "romance early" (and the girls seem to expect this)? I could try to be a more passionate guy, but since it's not my personality, I'm worried it would be hard to sustain in an effective way.
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