Falling in Love, Part I: How to Quit Fearing Romance | Girls Chase

Falling in Love, Part I: How to Quit Fearing Romance

Chase Amante

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Chase Amante's picture

This one’s Part I of a 2-part special request for an old student of mine from Denmark.

We had the opportunity to catch up, about a week ago, after not having spoken in a while. One of the things we discussed was love at first sight; in particular, how frequently we experience it and whether it’s always been that way.

For me, love at first sight began as a spontaneous event that occurred maybe 2 to 4 times per year: I’d go around, most days nothing, but then, one day, some girl would pop out at me from the crowd, and she would be PERFECT. Even her flaws would be perfect. For whatever reason, I’d be crazy for her.

falling in love

Over time, I’ve trained myself to spot girls I’ll get this feeling for even more readily, and now sometimes I’ll run into multiple girls I’ll get this feeling for in the course of a week. It’s certainly much more common than 2 to 4 times a year for me now. There are other factors involved than training, of course, too (preferring to spend time in big metropolises with lots of beautiful, fashionable women makes this much easier).

For my alumnus, it’s gone in the reverse direction: he used to feel it now and then until he met his high school girlfriend, a love-at-first-sight coupling that ended when she tore his heart out and stomped it underfoot at 17. At 35 and dozens of lays and relationships under his belt, he’s never felt ‘in love’ with a girl since, and never experienced love at first sight again.

I asked him, and do you think she just raised your standards so high no other girl can meet them, or do you think she just hurt you so bad you haven’t let yourself feel anything since?

He told me it was the latter.

I gave him my thoughts on getting some emotional freedom, and on training oneself to experience love at first sight more often. But he asked me if I could write an article on the subject too.

So here, it is, split into two parts: Part I, on stripping yourself of fear of love and romance, and next time, Part II, on finding more of those girls that you are just crazy about.

Comments

Fox from GC Boards's picture

Hey Chase,

Perfect article as usual, and it covered a lot of what I'm feeling and going through right now.

The thing is I'm trying to give it a shot with this girl I've known since 8th grade, she's said she's going for a relationship, and she's down for all sorts of naughtiness.

The thing is I can't get hard with her. I've tried cock rings, meditation, gingko beloba, everything. It just doesn't work with her.

My doctor refuses to prescribe any pills because I am too young for them, which leaves me worried that I am going to lose this girl because I can't get hard enough for sex. Keep in mind that my penis still works on my own.

I think I have a mental block now where until I do have successful sex with her, I won't be able to have sex with her, which is just a bad catch 22.

I'm feeling hopeless Chase, and am considering dumping her tonight rather than watch her lose attraction for me because I can't get it up.

If it's any consolation, everytime we have gotten together, I have still given her orgasms with oral and fingers.

Feeling hopeless,

Fox

dr's picture

hey Fox

I would suggest you lay off porn for a while
Also might want to search for the e-book yourbrain on porn

To Chase

Great article, I have been having kind of this issue
Going for girls that are available instead of chasing ones that are harder
I have been ending up with a couple of girls over the years who are really into me, and want a relationship, while I dont want them, besides just for hanging out sleeping together. And often not even that if they get too clingy.
I'm inclined to think its my skills, but it might be more like you described in your article
I never, or atleast rarely had super attractive girls, just a couple, my
Ex included. So mostly I just assume its too hard, and the competiton too good for me to stand a chance

Anyways, thanks for still writing posts
I go to your website from time to time and am always happy to see posts you have written yourself

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Fox-

Sounds like good ol' performance anxiety. Check this out:

How to Get Turned On and Beat Performance Anxiety with New Girls

;)

Chase

JP's picture

I've been there Fox, it sucks. My advice is to take the focus OFF of sex. Lay there, relax, cuddle, watch movies and just be close to each other. Give each other a massage, take a bath..anything really where you can be physically and emotionally intimate but not feel the pressure to perform. Don't be afraid to tell her that you would prefer if you two waited to have sex for now. Explain that you would like to just spend some time getting more comfortable being close with her. In my experience where this has happened, EVERY single time I've gone this route and said these things, the woman (if she was quality) has understood, was patient and things quickly worked themselves out (sometimes immediately after opening up and having this talk)! Good luck man, I wish you the best from someone who has been there.

Rage's picture

Hey chase

Thanks for this article; it happens to be really good timing for me that you wrote this article and the one following at this particular time.

Some kind of crazy serendipity in it for me because this has been bugging the hell out of me.

I had been convinced that the couple of love at first sight instances I had had were probably false infatuation and inexperience and stuff. And had been working towards the goal of just working to sleep with more girls right now, escape my dry spell and better my skill. I'd been doing a little better gradually with girls and balancing with other parts of my life; and I had set a goal for myself that I want to get good at this skill and that if love at first sight is even real that I don't want to run into these girls into at the very least a few years or so down the road.

But fate doesn't work by your logical rules or align lol that well to them it seems.

I've run into a girl at my university who I had this spark and crazy love at first sight pull with; I feel as though I wouldn't have believed it or would have forgotten about it because of been meeting many other girls too regularly lately and been getting better and better (I'm going to get my lay for this quarter by the end of it, really feel so close).

But it happened in an elevator and after and my friend was there to witness the whole thing and saw the girls face and our conversation and how we walked off, and has read you article too and was fucking convince that this was that. It kind of bugged me and at the same time made some part of me feel happy because it validated things; he was kind of bummed too because he kept think then that the girl he's with now is sub par and he shouldn't get with a girl he doesn't have that spark with.

He told me that's the most attracted he's ever seen a girl be to anyone, even after sex, in his whole life; and that was before me nd her talked to each other at all.

My response in the days after was to work to mentally reprogram and tell myself that this was stupid and I was thinking about a girl that wasn't mine and to work to fuck other girls and go out more and focus on other things and forget this girl because I hadn't talked with her a whole lot in the few times we talked and it was stupid for me to reflect on this emotional shit.

But meeting other girls having a couple dates lined up, focusing and working harder on my projects, and even just yesterday getting a number from a Girl that is supposed to be and should have been objectively a bit more attractive in the face than her (but who I illogically don't feel the spark for like I did for the first girl) nothing really helped me from not having a small part of my mind on this girl wondering what if. I intentionally don't even describe her more here because t will just get me thinking about her more.

I wrote some more yesterday and came to realize or hypothesize that there must be some sort of purpose for this girl to show up in my life at this time in this way. I feel like my skill with women is so lacking to where it must be built to, and my other projects and work are at pivotal points right now that require so much effort and toil and sacrifice and such.

And yet, if a girl like this were to appear in my life at this point there would be some purpose to it and I must at the vet least work to aggressively pursue her if for no other reason than to fuck up with her and then mentally be at peace with it and go and fuck other girls after.

What I feel seems to be very different from the infatuation I felt in youth; this is something that seems to not go away te more I talk to girls. It's not a cant stop thinking about her but more just an inkling of a wonder of how this girls impact on my life might be destined to be different and significant more than any others to date. Again can describe her but really don't want to because of fear at pussy feelings setting in. I don't trust myself to not feel feelings like that; and despite not having past negative relationships it's fear O some kind that holds me back. Perhaps fear that it works out or is really good; fear of success more than fear of failure.

Any way just thought I'd share that. Can't wait for the next article.

The thing I wonder and ask is why now, why are you showing up in my life right now; I'm not supposed o run into you till years later when I've fucked 50 plus girls at least.

I'm doing so good with my life right now, my lifting my writing my learning and plans for future business and my progress with random girls is all progressing a bs better and I'm someone much stronger and better and further than I had ever been before in my life. I am much more than ever today.

And I wonder fuck but I'm at the height of my game why would I run into this chick that is in scary ways matching every thing I wrote down and unconsciously visioned for years now.

But maybe there is a role to play or set him comes out of it all. Tough to say; maybe she graduates net week and I never see her again or she has a boyfriend and it's the end of it or I just don't run into her ever again for whatever reason.

Or maybe some thing more somehow comes out of all this; and I'm not sure at that and will see with that I guess... Just should be up to me though to be aggressive and pursue wht I should whenever the opprunities present themselves in the future.

Rage

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Rage-

Yeah, it's a shame when you miss girls like this.

At the same time, it happens. Especially when you haven't reached that point where you start recognizing that feeling as soon as it hits and consciously trying to leap at it every time.

Girls like this will show up throughout your journey. They show up when you suck with girls, when you're intermediate, and when you're good. It's not really a timing thing so much as it is a "as you go through life, periodically you'll run into girls you just -click- with" thing.

Try not to beat yourself up too much. No more than is necessary to get yourself taking action the next time you run into a girl you get that spark with, anyway ;)

As for your friend, yeah, tough. Easy to fall into relationships, but not always easy to work your way back out of 'em.

Chase

Alluring Spy's picture

Hey chase,
I'm a heavy user of the categories page, specifically the fundamentals page and I've noticed that the page has been empty since you've upgraded the servers I think.
Is it a bug or is there something I should do to get the page to display it's contents?
Here's the page: http://www.girlschase.com/categories
Keep up the good work :)

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Spy-

Sorry about that, got lost in the transition when we upgraded site architecture.

Just fixed - check the page out now!

Incidentally, we'll probably be retooling categories sometime fairly soon, figuring out better fitting categories, eliminating some of the old ones, coming up with some new ones (e.g., a "sex" category, instead of continually lumping stuff about sex under "relationships"), and the like. Basically we want to nuke the old system where one article may be in four categories instead of one, and where existing categories don't fit many things so well.

Chase

Lawliet's picture

Hey Chase,

I noticed the pages don't have a next page button.

I haven't used the pages often before. Is that how it's suppose to work?

Lawliet

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Lawliet-

You mean the girlschase.com/pages/[page-name] from the navigation bar at top, right? Not the categories pages Alluring Spy was referring to?

Those pages don't have a "Next page" function because of how they're set up, no.

What we will probably do with the next version of the site is have them continue to load new content as you scroll down, however, akin to Tumblr / Pinterest. Don't have that capability with the site as it's set up currently, however.

Chase

Byron's picture

You mentioned a few months ago that you'd be coming out with a new video course this winter. Is that still on?

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Byron-

Yes it is, but it won't be done until March at the earliest. We're in the middle of the books for it right now, and once we've got those done we'll review 1800-question-or-so interview list (done), tidy up a bit more and revise, and then we'll shoot the videos (probably about 30 to 40 hours of it... I'll be in the studio a good 2 weeks). Probably won't be done the books until February sometime.

It is coming! And I'm working on it almost every day. It's just a monster course... :S

Chase

Lawliet's picture

Hey Chase,

Only one comment this time :) Sticky point. Would be happy to hear your insights!
Often times, we ask a girl out before getting her number.
But I'm worried by suggesting platonic events, they might not get the idea.
I had this happen with a freshman, who thought we were going out for friends (i think?)
She kept asking me why I was asking her about relationships.

"What say we go for lunch next week some time?"
"Let's study sometime next week?"

Then they come out thinking, it's a friendly lunch or study session.
What should we do?

Also, how should we figure out dating covert, where to date to avoid her friends?
Should we ask, "If we go x, will it be likely to see your friends? I prefer us to be secret"

Where to go on dates? I seem to be stuck with "Let's go for coffee" Need some more exciting invites (but not party date)
And where to go that has good logistics since I can't bring them home.

Washrooms tend to always have other people in them. Some even have a security camera at the door...the pains of no pad! Public sex...

Thanks bro,
Lawliet

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Lawliet-

If girls are coming out with you thinking it's full platonic, you need to make your intentions clearer during the initial interaction. Compliment them, tease them, bust on them, touch them, present a sexual vibe. If the vibe is right, they'll know even if it sounds harmless it isn't. If the vibe is not right, even if you tell them this is a super romantic sexy date they're going to try to finagle it into friendship anyway (if they even agree to come out).

Don't ask about her friends, just find somewhere in town her friends don't go. Ice cream shop, hot chocolate, bagel joint, kabob, park, window shopping in the shopping district or at the mall, arcade (preferably with more than just video games - go to a Dave & Buster's, for instance), beach, etc. Most cities have a million cafés, so go explore different ones and find ones you like that have a good date-like atmosphere and aren't too crowded. Tell her you're going to grab a bite if you don't want to say coffee, and just grab a snack. Lots of places you can go... just use your imagination.

Chase

Dale's picture

Severla women have thrown themselves at other men, and I did not know what to do (in some cases I knew the men were selected because they would not get interested). I realize now that this was because I wa snot going fast enough, but what should a guy do when it happens?
(The problem I had that relates to this article is using that to elevuate how attractive I was.)

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Dale-

It's unclear whether you mean women you are in a relationship with already, or women you're on a date with / flirting with, or women you just notice while you're out and about...?

If it's women you're in a relationship with, you can tell the girl behavior like that is inexcusable, but if you don't like your girlfriend chasing down other men it's better just to axe the relationship. She may rein it in around you if she knows you don't like it, but if she thought it was fine originally you can trust she'll probably continue to do it whenever you aren't around.

If women you're flirting with / on a date with (I assume this is what you mean?), and they're ditching you to go throw themselves at other men, that means you're missing escalation windows. If you're seeing this behavior, it can mean the girl's grown frustrated at your lack of action combined with her sexual readiness, and she decides to go find another suitor, while taunting you for your inaction (it's revenge for you 'rejecting' her, is how she interprets it; auto-rejection: "Fine, he doesn't want me? Let's see how he feels when I shove my throat down this other guy's throat"). In that case, the best thing you can do is stay calm, go up and distract the guy, usually by introducing yourself to him, then switch back to her, get her attention again, and once the guy is gone, wait a few minutes then get her out of there and take her back home pronto, before she runs off again and grabs someone else.

Or, if you mean you're noticing other women talking to other men suddenly throw themselves at someone else, that just means they're sexually receptive, and whatever guy(s) they've been talking to wasn't/weren't getting the job done. Odds are, the new guy won't either; most men lack the killer instinct a horny woman needs, which is why she needs to be so dramatic to get guys to swing into action. When you see this, just swoop in, chat up the guy in a friendly way for a minute, then turn to the girl, get into a good conversation with her, and gradually box the other guy out with your body language. Move her around a bit, and pull her soon. You can scoop up a lot of girls this way from men who aren't paying attention to their signals or are just too nervous to try to capitalize on them.

Chase

Anonymous's picture

Hey Chase, got a bit of a weird situation here: I met this totally beautiful and intelligent woman a few months ago through my social circle and quickly found out that she was already in a stable relationship for many years. While I'm usually the edgy/bad boyish type who flirts around, I decided to "play it nice" this time since I know the guy as well and did not want to wreck their relationship, so I ended up playing the nice guy role of listening to her problems, downplaying my sexuality etc. I treated her as a good, platonic friend, basically. I also expressed interest in her best friend (whom I met a while ago but didn't grab her contact) and asked if she could set us up (this didn't happen eventually due to our scheduling conflict).

Anyway, little did I know that she would break up with her boyfriend of many years and now she's single again. She knows I'm the flirty type, but she has also seen the "nice guy" side of me since that was how I presented myself to her, and she knows that I'm into her best friend. What would be the smoothest way to turn this around given that I've accidentally put myself into the friendzone?

Mischief (not letting me use my name)'s picture

Hey Chase—

First of all, thank you for another illuminating article! I quite liked this one because it struck a particular chord within me: I have been engaged in the exact opposite behavior as per your advice—I absolutely do not want to "fall in love" at all costs. Maybe I can explain why—another way of looking at the concept of "space." I don't mean to fly in the face of your advice, but maybe I can offer some alternative value.

I don’t know about you, but the concept of ‘safe spaces’ makes me gag like I went back too far with my toothbrush. I find them puerile, patronizing, and the emotional equivalent of the SCID plastic bubble. —Chase

For all ritual process and for all deep knowing and controlling of energies of any kind, the issue of “sacred” space arises. Sacred space is the container of raw power— the “step-down transformer” that insulates and then channels the energies that are drawn into it. It is the reactor shield in the nuclear power plant. —Moore, Robert; Gillette, Doug (2013-10-01). King, Warrior, Magician, Lover: Rediscovering the Archetypes of the Mature Masculine (Kindle Locations 1565-1567). HarperCollins. Kindle Edition.

Obviously, each of us is in a different place in our lives with respect to experience with women. I'm willing to concede that I am probably underdeveloped emotionally for a man my age, and thus part of my mission is to overcome that deficiency—but how? Do I just keep throwing myself into the fray of the unknown repeatedly until enough growth happens? What do you do when overwhelmed: buckle up and keep charging (perhaps with a sufficient "wall" in place) in the hope of eventually outgrowing the burden, or retreat and recharge? Sometimes it's one and sometimes the other, but then how do you know when to do which? I think it goes without saying that charging without walls up is akin to a suicide mission.

Whether charging with walls up or retreating to recharge, a mental, emergency stop-gap (space) can be the only mechanism to avert total meltdown. No matter how mature one is, the flow of psychic energy still has to be regulated either consciously or subconsciously. In fact, the measure of maturity could probably tied proportionally to one's ability to regulate their own emotions. Either way, I believe the "safe space" or "sacred space" (whatever you want to call it) is the essential conduit to perform this task.

What do you think?

-M

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Mischief-

My fault for not qualifying that statement. I didn't mean to knock the concept of safe spaces as originally intended; I meant it more to knock the co-opted political correctness meaning of the term.

"Safe space" has been repurposed by the politically correct the same way "gender" is used to mean "subjective internal sex" and "rape" is used to mean "we had sex but then I regretted it."

Girls Chase is a "safe space" in terms of the original meaning of the term. Thoughtful dissent is welcomed here, but except for a few articles we won't permit people from venting emotions in the comment sections since that contributes nothing and detracts much. Much in the same way you wouldn't allow people to stand in the back of a classroom teaching something they did not agree with and continually shout over the professor something to the tune of "Nope, you got it all wrong! You're wrong! You don't know what you're talking about!" without offering a well-reasoned alternative or a balanced critique of the professor's lesson.

You do certainly need "safe spaces" (in the original meaning of the term) to learn from and recover in. Then go out into the real world and deal with unprotected reality.

The beef I have is with the politically correct safe spaces, where not only is hostility barred, but any critique, no matter how measured, is considered to be hostility; where dissent is silenced and debate banned. Those places where you either follow your Newspeak dictionary to the letter or they do everything in their power to unperson you... that's what I was referring to.

So, apologies for the blanket dismissal of what is (outside of the politically correct realm) actually a healthy thing!

Chase

Homie's picture

Hope you won't mind answering a question for me man
A girl sat next to me, so many seats but yea... so I opened her. she gets off, asks me twice when I get off. Stands there, asks yo you want my number? I get off at her stop and she apologizes dang.
Get that number, She sends me "Sorry my english is bad and I didn't get what your questions were and answer all of them wrong. Don't mind me!" So being an asshole, bust balls if she's fishing compliment. She's saying Don't mind me and showing her vulnerability... yea? What would you do here?
I thought of saying "It's not that bad" but that sounds so like that nice guy. ya know?
I thought of teasing...but hmmm...man any rules you follow besides bust balls when fishing that helps a lot. peace!

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Homie-

Most people are sensitive about their abilities to speak another language; if you're going to remark at all, compliment:

"Your English is perfect."
"Well, I had no trouble understanding YOU :) You speak well enough."

Only time you can get more playful is when her English really is quite good and she'll be able to read your tone and know you're joshing her.

Otherwise, you want to focus on encouraging her to continue speaking with you in English, and not tease her or tell her she's just okay or not bad, which can discourage her and make her not want to talk to you anymore.

Chase

NoBrainer's picture

Hey Chase,

Want your opinion.
There are minority of people who are sometimes high achievers, sometimes just average, but still magnetic personalities who share one interesting characteristic. I don't know whether this could be called "realistic optimism", but it's something I would call "Always on top" mindset.
It's about people who no matter what consider situations as beneficial. They don't get into trouble deliberately, they seek to make things as awesome as they can, but once they fail and even if they fail hard and have tears rolling through their faces, once rainy days pass they don't dwell on them with the sense of "I am the loser", but "Heck, that was crazy, I bet I'm one in a million who ever experienced this, this will be a nice story to tell for years to come".
It's about people who see opportunities and lessons rather than problems. They just don't get all that pessimistic about anything ("It doesn't matter anyway, I may die today and after a few months nobody will care, but heck it was good journey." they might say) and even if they do get sad - it's so temporary that you can know for sure that soon they will come out of it stronger and sharper.
It's so fascinating to have some of such people around, because mood never gets broken. Even in situations where ordinary folk would paint as a loss they say "Okay, I was close to figuring out how to push through this issue and now after this I have way better knowledge on the areas I will tackle next. This situation saved me hours of research, let's see what we can do next." and then.. They do that next damn thing.
I am amazed how some people manage to walk out of any situation with "Heck, I won" attitude and the longer you communicate with them, the more it seems that they are not pretending, because they do get sad, but just for a while to recompose themselves.
It seems to work like self fulfilling prophecy for them. But again, I'm not talking about folks who "solve" problems with alcohol or self delusion. I'm talking about composed realistic intensely living souls who are not that common to meet unless you are in their circles, but even then there are more normal people than those magnetic ones.

Maybe this is worth and article or maybe I'm just fooling myself because there are no such people I describe and I just fail to see their "sad sides"?
Oh well... Your article on "How to be cool" seems to describe them really well already.

Author
Chase Amante's picture

NoBrainer-

It is a legitimate mindset, you're right; more to the point, it's a way of interpreting events. If you start playing around with retraining your brain to think this way, you'll notice you'll actually encounter resistance... it's like you have two brains - one is all doom and gloom and mediocrity and the other's all silver lining and pull-yourself-up-by-the-bootstraps.

Here's the article totally devoted to installing this mindset, and the tools I used to make it my own default:

How to Overcome Depression

This article's also on similar paradigm shifts, but the real brain tech is in the depression one:

How Victim Mentality Can Stifle Your Life – and Luck with Women

Chase

Sub-Zero's picture

Chase, I have been reading your articles about relationships and stumbled across the commitment points article.

You say this,

"If you want to have a long-term, one-man-one-woman relationship, I really, firmly, deeply believe at this point that the only way to really make it work is if the woman still believes subconsciously that you still see other women, but just keep it very much on the down-low. Otherwise, she knows she has you by the balls, and attraction takes a nosedive. There are two ways you could do this, I suppose: the easy way – actually just go and see other women, but keep it very much on the down-low; and the less easy way – meet enough women that you can at least feel like you still retain some options, then play it a little mysterious so your woman is never 100% certain that she has you faithfully hers.
Whether you want to be a bachelor for life, traveling the world seducing beautiful women everywhere you go, or whether you’d really just like to buy a home somewhere and settle in with a pretty girl you like a lot, I will say this: avoid real commitment like the plague. It’s advice that’s going to fall on deaf ears 99% of the time; a man can say this to himself over and over again, until he meets a girl who’s more incredible than any he’s been with before, and he starts to fear losing her. Then, suddenly – voila, commitment point!

So don’t commit 100%. Ever. Be the rugged, hard-living, macho guy who’s a bit of a loner and whom no one seems to understand; let other men out there be the sensitive, attentive nice guys who promise undying fealty and faithfulness.

Real men know nothing lasts forever, and don’t try to force things or lock women down with commitment. And women – they positively love this."

I agree with you, I just want to know..... how do we do this and not have her want to do the same, and still keep her in a faithful, 100% committed relationship with us?

Thanks

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Sub-Zero-

Focus on offering yourself to her conditionally. Most men offer themselves unconditionally, which is when the commitment point is passed: "I'll be with you forever. No matter what." "I'll do anything for you." "I will always love you."

The strong man does this instead: "So long as you keep yourself attractive and continue to treat me right and make me happy, I'm yours." The commitment point is still not passed here, because he hasn't really committed - he's left her in a state of uncertainty. She can't relax or let herself go, because if she does, he'll exit.

Give yourself conditionally, instead of unconditionally. It commands far more of her respect, and gets you far more of what you want.

Chase

Sub-Zero's picture

Can you be a playboy forever? Or would an older man have to settle down?

Can he keep pimpin pass 100+?

If he is somewhat a regular guy of course.

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Sub-Zero-

Theoretically, absolutely.

Realistically, no one does. Not even the guys who say they'll do it forever (e.g., George Clooney).

Pretty much all men will go through periods of singledom followed by settled periods, and cycle through these.

The difference between skilled men and unskilled men is that the periods of singledom feature more legs in the air and panties on the floor, and the settled periods feature higher caliber girlfriends and more rewarding relationships.

I can't say I know any man off the top of my head who's stayed a playboy forever. It just gets old. You get tired of taking new women (or being lonely, if you aren't so skilled) and want to focus on another area of your life. By the same coin, most men after they've been settled for a while come to long for the freedom of the bachelorhood once more.

EDIT: just noticed you said "sleep with multiple women forever." If he's a somewhat regular guy, he can to a certain age... maybe 35 or 40? Beyond that, he needs to have developed himself into someone exceptional in some way, even if just in personality, or he'll be hard pressed.

To be taking new women past 70 or so, let alone multiple women, you more or less have to be exceptional, from everything I've seen... most men don't have the drive anymore. I've heard of men in old folks homes who are the resident studs and go around boning all the women there, while the rest of the old cotters sit in rocking chairs and watch soap operas or drool into their drool cups, but again, those are going to be exceptional, high drive men.

Chase

Anonymous's picture

yo brah, thanks for advice on public sex. What positions won't tire us out but also gets her off like yo 8 min orgasm article? What bout when we can't lay down and have to stand like in a washroom or sth?

Peace dawg!

Lawliet's picture

Hey Chase,

1. When she says no, but doesn't walk away, then what?
Do we ignore it and continue?

2. What type of objection should we ignore and continue escalating
3. What type should we address it logically?

4. Apart of kissing neck to turn her before sex, what other light things can we do to turn her on more until she peaks and we can turn her copulation area?

Lawliet

Lawliet's picture

5. During escalation, she keeps giggling. Combined with objections, now what?

Whoops, just noticed I said only one comment! Sorry.

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Lawliet-

On #1, you really need your intuition. Your comments read like you don't really have intuition to go off of (just an observation), so in your case I'd say hearing "no" means "automatic hard stop". Just do a freeze out and get her to start pursuing you, or leave if she's really disinterested.

Ignoring objections is also intuitive. So for you, my advice is address every objection. Address emotionally or deflect first, but if she raises the same objection 3 or more times, then stop and logically address it. If she's giggling, she's not into it, and you're probably being too aggressive for her head space. Back up, dial it down, and slowly build the tension.

As for foreplay, that's a big article in and of itself... though maybe I'll get that one up soon ;)

Chase

Kisser's picture

hello Chase, superb advice! may I ask for advice on kissing?

Your recent article on kissing got me searching for other articles too and found
Your spontaneous transition... how does it look like? I interpret as pulling her in, then quick peck on the lips without pause, staring into her eyes for seconds, or anything, just go in.
But then you say "Not a fast kiss rushed kiss. Before you touch her lips, she should be trembling with anticipation" Do you mean duration of kiss or how fast transition from no kissing to touching her lips? cuz... pulling her in quickly, then a short peck straight on the lips without pausing sounds rushed to me.. dunno,

Cheers!

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Kisser-

The spontaneous kiss... well, it should be fast enough that it's still spontaneous, but slow enough that it doesn't seem like you're spastically grabbing her and kiss-ambushing her.

Here's an example: turn and look at her, droop your eyelids, smile seductively, then grab her chin and kiss her. She's got that 1 second warning - enough time for her to have her adrenaline kick in and for her to wonder, "Will he or won't he?"

Think of it like "go for the kill --> pause and stare a moment --> then, finish her."

Chase

Lawliet's picture

Hey bro,

Finally caught up with your articles, and wow, you made me realize I had some negative feelings of repression inside that I haven't noticed before.

I guess back in my teenagers, I also was a loner and eventually it led me into deep depression for not getting what I wanted. Initially, how I got out of that was "Fuck the world" mentality, which was exactly what you laid out here but that hindered me in improving myself so I dumped it. Still do what I want mentality, but without the bitterness.

Our past experiences seem to always have an astounding effect on us, with remnants poking out every now and then. Nothing we can do about the past, except change the present and the future!

Thanks for the advice on defy against specific case, but not the whole arena!
Lawliet

Anonymouz's picture

I'm replying to the comments you left me chase on backwards rationalization. The comments were, dating more girls and should I be worried.

I'm being a man and being honest after reading the answer to my question of "should I worry", I was sad and felt really really bad. Not to sound like a wuss, but I really loves this girl, and I'm said that she has so manyou red flags. All for this just happened and I didn't even think about it.

On the first article with dating more girls. We're not in a relationship, relationship. We are basically lovers, haven't put the title on and have talked About me not being ready to settle down.

I told her that I wanted to sleep with other girls and didn't want to hurt her. She cried and said I'm the only one who she wants and she doesn't want me to leave and she says I can fuck other girls, but I can't be have them as fwb. (Does that sound a realistic idea?) What's your opinion? How can I even do this?

On the second comment, "should I worry"

I'm honestly in a tight spot, all of this just happened, I never thought I'd fall in love, but I feel hard for her because of how she is, and the good things that I have told you.

I knew you were gonna say what you were gonna say without holding punches, but I seriously need help.

I want to have a life with her, but I will always be paranoid and feel bad about these red flags, and I also am afraid of ruining the chances that we could work out for the better.

Anyway my questions are:

1. I know you said she's a mixed bag and she has too many red flags, but the thing is Chase I am not at your skill level, I don't know how easy it will be for me to find a girl that meets your criteria. I don't have your experience or skill set to get girls like that consistently. I don't know if I'll ever reach that level to even get those girls like that.
My question is, what girls can people with my skill level date that would be good relationship partners? I'm more on the average side of picking up girls, I can get to a high skill level with time, but as of now I am not there yet.

2. If I was to end things with her, how would that be done? We love each other too much, and I have told her that the red flags she has bothers me, but I know you can't get stop talking to a girl because of that reason or she'll hate you. It's too late too fade from her life because we have been together for a year and have always been together and talked every day, our bond is deep. We talked about having a life together and having kids.

3. I'm getting older Chase and I'm pretty much stuck with cold approach unfortunately. I'll admit I am not confident about finding love with cold approach or finding the girl that fits your criteria for the perfect girlfriend. I don't even cold approach to be honest and just feel I won't succeed with it.

4. How do I just break things off with so many feelings involved? It's kinda hard to end something with someone when you have a deep emotional connection with them. I don't know how to do it.

5. I said I was getting older and I think it would be hard for me to find a woman who just wants kids and not mind being married at an older age. Hell, it's hard to find any women now that hasn't been married or has kids.

6. I didn't even know virgins existed in their late 20's. Where am I supposed to find a girl that meets your criteria anyway?

7. The good things I told you makes me want to stay, I am pretty much her life. Anytime she's not working she spends on me, I am her everything really. I'm her life out of work.

8. Almost every single girl that I know in their 20's has a tattoo somewhere, it is a big trend thing I see, but every girl I interact with has a damn tattoo, where can I find girls without tats?

9. Is there anyway I can keep this girl around as a lover if we break things off?

Thanks chase

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Anonymouz-

Well, if she’s given you express permission, your conscience is clear. Just stick to one night stands and don’t see women multiple times if you agreed to her frame (sex yes, FWB no).

In general, what women are REALLY afraid of is that you’ll find another girlfriend and lower your commitment to them, not so much that you’ll stick your dipstick in another gal’s oil tank.

However, it’s important you treat her like a full-on legitimate girlfriend and don’t ever let on or hint about other girls you’re sleeping with. Don’t take women from your social circle that she knows. Don’t take women she’ll interact with. Don’t add women you’re sleeping with to your social media profiles if you have them and this girl’s on them too. Just keep their circles and your girlfriend’s circles completely divorced. As soon as you start overlapping them, that’s when the drama starts.

Skill-level wise, well, I guess be realistic. I can’t tell you what to do, but I will say most guys even without cold approach go through a dramatic breakup thinking they’ll never meet another girl like that again, but then 3 months to a year later you see them and they’re head over heels in love with the next girl and you ask them what happened, you thought they said they’d be lonely and mourning forever. I guess there are some guys who give up and go live in the mountains after they lose that one special girl, but very few of them.

If you’re not cold approaching and not going to, then don’t consider that in your mental calculations… that option’s out. You’ll have to figure out what your odds are without it. Some guys can get really good doing social circle alone, but they’re typically doing this as well: The Natural Mindset: Taking More Pleasure from Hook Ups.

Re: my criteria… you’re your own man, brother. Choose your own criteria. You just asked me about mine. Remember though, if you’re not willing or able to put the work in to get the skill set down to develop yourself (whether through cold approach, social circle, or just being a really sociable, friendly guy), that’s like the guy who won’t put the time in to develop his skills in business - you don’t get to be as choosy about partners or positions. I never said anything about virgins though (however, you can find virgins in their late 20s or early 30s… it’s rare though. Highly religious Southerners or women from East Asia, both of which who have elevated education and career above romance, typically, yet avoided players and had only boyfriends who never pushed them too hard for sex). Tats is about the women you approach and the area you’re in. Some demographics and some locations have way more than others. Try different parts of town… places you normally wouldn’t go. Explore.

Don’t think about keeping her around if you break it off; you usually won’t succeed, and that thinking makes you needy. If it ends, it’s over. If you can’t stand to have it end, well… she’s the one up in the relationship, and you’ll have to do whatever she wants you to do to stay in it. The one ready to walk, when push comes to shove, is the one wearing the pants.

Chase

Michal's picture

Hello,

I must say this resonated with me to a degree and made me think about some stuff.

But I wanted to challenge certain thing - defying the person that hurt you. I was thinking that finding a girl better than her would be kinda like "Look, here I prove to you that I can do better", which is not really my kind of game. The one that hurt me, she does not care, just like you mentioned in the next paragraph. And I feel like I made the mistakes, so why would I want to prove to her that I "made it"? So why would I do that? She might change her mind about me and view me differently. The only thing that I would want is for her to know how much it hurt me and realize that. But just like you said, they dont care. They dont have to. To them, everything was reasonable.

I understand that is more about reframing the pain and using it as a motivation tool but it seems like, from that point, that you do things just to prove her something.

Regards,
Michal

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