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Ah, empathy. At its most basic level, “empathy” simply
means
“understanding where another person is coming from.” I worked in the
counseling field for a couple years, so I have been pretty well-trained
in how to have empathy for others, and even how to make
them feel understood even
when you can’t fully grasp what’s going on
for them.
That’s the good news: you don’t actually have to understand what someone’s experiencing in order to empathize with her. Men will appreciate this, as women so often talk about issues that we simply cannot grasp, to which we simply want to offer easy suggestions.
Let’s begin with a basic distinction, “fixing vs. understanding.” If you have female friends — which I surely hope you do — you will be familiar with a common complaint women have about their men:
“I don’t want him to fix it, I want him to understand.”
Comments
Drex, Nice work, was thinking
Drex,
Nice work, was thinking of doing this post myself because I'm a clinical psych major and use active listening, resonance, echoing and restating myself and it works wonders.
The only thing to watch out for (that you covered slightly but not explicitly) is not becoming an emotional rock, or an emotional dump; which is someone who a girl keeps around to shove that emotional weight off her shoulders and onto yours.
To beat that problem, you express understanding and empathy through explicit words (best in pick up), showing that you understand her without getting swept up in the emotions yourself.
Just wanted to make that bit explicit for other guys reading ;)
Fantastic article man, I love psychology!!! Obviously haha,
-Rich
Altough there is some solid
Altough there is some solid practical advice IMHO girls are not as unreasonable and unpractical as you described, they only care about different things.
When a girl has a problem she first wants to feel understood, before she can digest any advice. I think the problem comes from woman caring a lot about certain things men usually don't. For example:
Girl:-"She had the same dress as me!"
If a guy was to answer, "What's the problem? I would Hi five her and laugh about it"
He would come almost as rude and non understanding, showing empathy is more about showing that you understand the other person feels things through other veil, and that it's ok to feel strongly about different stuff.
If your dog died and you wanted to talk about it a person would listen, because it was important.
Girls want to feel like you care about their problems even if you would not have them. If you actually care, then the rest comes on it's own, if you are interested you will listen actively, and do some reflective listening without thinking about it.
Great writing style
Hi Drexel (interesting name by the way),
Great article, exactly what I wanted to learn.
Also I really like your writing style, your way of explaining is really easy to follow.
Greetings from Holland
Really Does Work
I do this all the time with my FwB. He is quite emotional (he's a ISFP, I am a INTJ) and requires a lot of validation about his feelings and ideas (which he doesn't receive at work most of the time). I'd argue that if you're already a somewhat sympathetic person that you NOT used step #3 unless absolutely necessary. It can be quite powerful, and if you don't lead into a better place soon after, then *both* of you with end up being frustrated and upset.
Anyway, this is great advice for dealing with female relatives or friends. Now if only science could get women to accept solutions to their problems!
Great Read.
Great article and very well written. I enjoyed the "technical jargon", I say more of that. Thanks Drexel, Cheers.
Answers so much
My wife and I are always going back and forth about understanding/not understanding how she feels. This article really breaks it down and gives me what I can use to make it easier. A lot of it sounds familiar because she said all these things, but I always thought it was just empty and meaningless "women talk". I guess I was wrong. Thanks!
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