Social Commentary

Book Review: Why Him? Why Her? by Helen Fisher


Note from Chase: this is the first article by Varoon Rajah, who runs our podcast series. Varoon’s launching this book review series, where he aims to review a new book each month related to dating, attraction, relationships, or psychology. Here’s Varoon...


Why Him? Why Her? is a book by Helen Fisher which ultimately suggests who you fall in love with (for GC readers – who men and women are attracted to) is powerfully influenced by who you are. Or, in other words, your personality is influenced from a very young age by your inherent temperament in addition to developed character traits. While it is commonly thought that your experiences in life shape who you are, what is not as clear to many is how a person’s inherent biology ultimately shapes them, as well as guides their choices and decisions well through their life – including the domain of relationships, love, and romance.

why him why her

Helen briefly discusses this distinction – personality based on experiences and character versus personality based on biology and temperament – early on in her book:

Your character traits stem from you experiences. Your childhood games; your parents’ interests and values; how people in your community express love and hate; what relatives and friends regard as polite, dangerous or exciting; how they worship; what they sing; when they laugh; what they do to make a living and relax – these and innumerable other cultural forces combine to build your unique set of character traits.

The balance of your personality is your temperament, all of the biological based tendencies you have inherited, traits that emerge early childhood to produce your consistent patterns of feeling, thinking and behaving… Temperament is the “I am,” the foundation of who you are. Curiosity; creativity; novelty seeking; compassion; cautiousness; competitiveness: to some degree, you inherit these and many other aspects of your disposition.

Fisher, Helen. (2009). Why Him? Why Her?: finding real love by understanding your personality type (pp. 3-4). New York, NY: Henry Holt and Company, LLC.

And thus, we all have an inherent disposition and behavior that shows up to others. You might imagine where and how this is useful with your woman life – knowing the nature of that cute girl you’re about to approach or just approached, that cute girl you just met at 2 AM in a nightclub, that cute girl you’re about to go on a date with, and maybe even that cute girl you’re already dating or in a long term relationship with – has absolutely massive implications as to how you show up to her, how she shows up to you, and how elements that you present to each other serve or don’t serve to bring you two into getting together.

And knowing this – knowing your target and who she is – can enable the seeking of girls most suitable to partner with you, as well as cater your own experience with her to manage her needs, attractions, and repulsions.

And with that, we dive into this exploration of where experience meets biology.

Mind Control: How Media Influence Your Thoughts and Feelings


In Mao Zedong’s communist China, in the late 1940s, a new approach to encourage ‘right-thinking’ emerged, termed xǐ năo, which means “wash brain”. This washing of the brain was designed to scrub out bad thoughts and ideas, freeing the now-cleansed brain to think about things ‘correctly’.

The term ‘brainwash’ entered the English vernacular in the early 1950s and became a dreaded boogeyman during the Cold War era. 1962’s The Manchurian Candidate made brainwashing the subject of a popular film, and in 1974 the United States’ own mind control program, dubbed MKUltra, came partly to light (though only after the CIA destroyed most of the project’s records a year earlier).

media influence

Chinese brainwashing and American reprogrammed assassins are interesting examples, but they’re just new takes on an age-old principle, one that’s been a central tenet of states, religions, rites of passage, and social groups of all shapes, colors, and sizes, since time immemorial.

That principle is at work in everything you see, read, listen to, or debate.

It’s even at work right now as you read this page.

That principle, of course, is that every message you let into your eyes or ears informs your worldview and alters your mental model ever so slightly... or sometimes so much.

And if you’re not careful about whom you let play switchboard operator in your brain, you may end up with a set of beliefs about the world that lead you all kinds of places you’d rather not go.

Why People Settle Down: The 3-Step Settling Curve


I recently was privy to a conversation between a handful of women in their early- to mid-thirties. They were for the most part quite attractive and confident, and their careers were solid and their paychecks healthy. The conversation went something like this:

Girl 1: I’m someone who thought she’d always be single her entire life and never get married. But I had to take care of my aging mother when my father was in the hospital, and I realized someday that will be me and it might really be nice to have someone around to look after me when I’m like that.

Girl 2: I never thought I’d want to get married either. I’m still not sure if marriage is what I want, but as I get older I think more and more it’d be nice to have a companion.

settle down

Girl 1: Exactly. But I’d never settle! I’d only get married if someone was truly the right match for me.

Girl 3: You should never accept someone who isn’t the right match for you. The right person will come along sooner or later; you just have to have the patience to wait for him.

Girl 2: That’s a beautiful way to put it.

Girl 1: Totally right.

You may hear something like this and think, “For a group of smart, educated, professionally successful women, they sure don’t seem to be able to think or communicate about love in any way that doesn’t rely on romcom tropes and tired clichés.”

And, you’d be right.

However, before you judge these gals silly for the naïveté of their talking points, I’d caution you to be aware that this is a common trap people fall into in societies that abandon educating their youths on life history... and men fall into it every bit as much as women.

Will Netflix and Chill Actually Get You Sex?


2015’s most popular humorous way to suggest a girl coming over to your place to hook up has been the phrase ‘Netflix and chill’, mostly used to joke about hooking up online, like so:

Netflix and chill


Netflix and chill

Netflix and chill

So, as we’re concerned on this site with what actually works, two questions then:

  1. Should you ever use ‘Netflix and chill’, or any other trendy line like this?

  2. How good are humorous/trendy lines at getting girls back to your place?

This post will answer both.

The 3 Sorts of Lady-Killer (and Which One You Are)


In my article “Tactics Tuesdays: Calling Her When Texts Don’t Pan Out”, commenter AnonDude asked the following:

I found that interesting and it would be great if you could write a post on different styles and goals of seduction, pros and cons of each, combinations of different styles and stuff like that.

lady killer

I thought this’d make for a fun article, so decided to write this one next.

Now, this might not necessarily be as practical an article, since, as you’ll see, you are what you are and you like what you like and you don’t have much, if any, conscious control over that.

Nevertheless, this may still be useful for you: we’ll be looking at what you want, why you do what you do, and what things you ought to be focused on (and what things not).

Let’s talk about what the 3 sorts of lady-killer are... and figure out which one you are.

The Truth About Taking Drugs and Hooking Up with Women


drugsI had snorted two grams of cocaine in thirty seconds. Twenty minutes later I collapsed in the middle of the theme park.

My body convulsed as first responders rushed me to the infirmary. My heart was beating over 170 beats a minute. I only weighed 107 pounds and I had not slept in over forty-eight hours.

All this just to impress a girl.

I have been sober for years now, but I have lots of experiences with both drugs and women.

I have seen many guys try various drugs to try and get with girls – from selling pot to meet girls, to taking Molly at a rave with hopes of meeting a girl at the end of the night.

So here is my tell-all about the world of drugs and women.

The Truth About Big Muscles and Getting Laid


When I was seventeen I overdosed on cocaine. I weighed 107 pounds and was 5'9" - needless to say, I was skinny. It's been eight years since that event and I now weigh 165 pounds and am around 7-8% body fat. I have been asked to be a fitness model and to competitively powerlift. My journey from being a skinny kid to a muscular bro was motivated almost entirely by my goal of bedding more women.

muscles get laid

And although putting on a lot of muscle didn't give me the results I had fantasized about, the journey helped transform my character and turned me into a guy who does in fact bed a lot of women. I'm writing this post because there are a lot of misconceptions about how being muscular helps you with women, so here is the truth about how being muscular will help you get laid.

Everything I Know About Race and Dating Girls


My friend had just told me that he saw the girl I liked with another guy.

“I don’t get it man! I know that she likes me.”

“Bro, it’s because of this,” he said, pointing to his dark skin.

I responded saying, “What are you talking about man?”

“It’s because you’re black bro; girls like her only date white guys.”

race and dating

Until that point I had not looked at dating through a racial lens. But after that day I started to become more “aware” of race and dating. I started “seeing” that white guys had it easier when it came to getting girls. It didn’t matter that I had dated many different races of girls before. It didn’t matter that I ended up dating the girl that we were talking about. That conversation had given me the ultimate excuse: that if a girl didn’t like me, it was because of my race.

It took me years to get away from that particular train of thought. It still creeps in from time to time, but as soon as I catch myself thinking like that now I cut that line of reasoning. So I will go ahead and answer the question that is on a lot of your minds right now.

Does race matter when it comes to dating? Yes.

Does it matter as much as people think it matters? No.

In this post, I will answer common questions I get from guys about race and dating; some advice for getting over racial insecurities and some stories from my journey.

Modern Marriage, Part 1: Why the Heck Do Guys Get Married?


Gentlemen, welcome to Part 1 of this 6-part series on modern marriage (and yes, divorce).

I want to come at this article series with a completely unbiased flavor... because I honest to god think that monogamy can work, even in our contemporary society where the divorce rate exceeds 50%.

why men get married

While I am certainly a fair bit opinionated and will use a few choice words for things I feel strongly about, and will tell you exactly how I feel about each and every little thing marriage-related, you’re going to get nil of the ever-so-prevalent relationship hate that you find on most seduction blogs.

I’ve striven to leave this series as free of my own clutter or baggage as possible (we all have some), to bring you a straight-to-the-point look at the institution of matrimony in the 21st century.

Let’s go.

Egomania, the Blindness You Were Born Into


We are all infected.

The Walking Dead is one of the most popular TV-series in the world right now. It is a show about survivors of a zombie apocalypse and their struggle to stay alive... at least on the surface. However, underneath all the blood and gore is actually a show about egos and the stress we feel when things in life don’t go as planned (as usually is the case). One of the strongest themes underlying the show is growth of egomaniacal characters in their quest to “survive”.

egomania

The show brings up questions that draw a fine line between what it takes to survive and what it means to go too far. The show is just a fiction, but part of its appeal is that it reflects a lot of people’s concerns and struggles with the question of “what is really necessary?” and “what is egomaniacal?”

One of the main concepts of the show is “we are all infected”, which we can translate roughly to: we are all one mistake or slip away from becoming someone else’s nightmare. If we give up, quit, become a burden, choose an easy path to “survival”, we become the problem for the few left who haven’t.

Are we takers? Or do we walk the line?

Well, for those of you who don’t watch the show, don’t worry, I only bring it up because the topic of this article is egomania, and the famous line “we are all infected” is a good starting point for discussing it.

The number one problem beginners and intermediate guys have with seduction is that they believe they are immune to egomania and don’t need to address it. You think you couldn’t possibly be a bad guy and so never consider that it’s quite possible you are.

Beginners complain and whinge and cry about how THEY are special, about how THEY are the exception to every rule, because they are overwhelmed and surprised by the sheer aggressiveness of reality and how HARD it bitch slaps them into taking responsibility onto their shoulders.

Guys will resort to anything to avoid real improvement:

  • Ask a girl they only sort of like to marry them
  • Abandon responsibilities as a decent dad and become a drunk
  • Avoid women entirely and resort to a porn oasis to get by

Our mistakes often aren’t THAT drastic, normally it is a bit of cynicism here, a few nasty edged decisions there, and an indulgence on occasion that screws over someone you don’t know now and then.

You figure, “Hey? What is the harm?” and you get into the habit of sucking, until one day a responsibility is too big, and BAM, you become the bad guy you swore you never would be.

Egomania is a real thing and you START OFF infected.

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