Relationships

The continuing and ongoing encounters and involvement you maintain with a woman once you've slept together and become intimate -- whether weeks or months or years -- or more.

Why I Quit Doing Friends with Benefits

quit fwb
Friends with benefits (FWB) is a fun, no-strings way to have sex. So why give it up? There are 6 good reasons to, including laziness, distraction, and getting stuck with the wrong girl.

A little while back, I wrote a couple of posts on friends with benefits (FWB):

I noted here that I don’t do friends with benefits anymore. Guys have asked why over the years and I’ve talked about it a bit, but haven’t really sat down to give it a full-on article on the subject.

This article will be similar in spirit to “Why I Quit Dating Girls Who Club, Party, or Drink.” It’s about why I opted to quit doing something that sounds like a fun time (wild party girls; no-strings casual sex). And it’s about the pros and cons.

But let’s start with the basics. What’s not to love about friends with benefits?

Hung Up on Her Sexual History? 3 Steps to Not Be

sexual history
It’s easy for guys to get hung up on a girlfriend’s sexual history. Yet you can get over this if you choose to. To do it, you’ll use 3 steps.

Whenever we start dating someone new, we’re bound to soon discover a few facts about who they once dated and the amount and kind of sex they enjoyed, whether we like it or not. A new girlfriend will often tell us about her past, or we’ll end up asking about it. Either way, sometimes the truth can hurt. A lot.

Learning that a partner once enjoyed threesomes, had five sex buddies on the go at once, or has slept with fifty guys... this can be a hard pill to swallow. Some men are able to just forget about it. Some don’t care. Others slip into a whirlpool of self-torment characterized by OCD-like repetitive thoughts and emotions which they find extremely hard to shift.

You may have heard of this form of anxiety-ridden obsession referred to as “retroactive jealousy” or “retrospective jealousy”. In men this tends to be an anxiety about a girlfriend’s sexual past. In women it tends to be an anxiety over who their man was once in love with. There are genetic and biological reasons for this, but in this post I’ll be focusing on the former.

Now, not all men are willing to date (let alone marry) a girl who’s “been around the block”, and this is a perfectly reasonable position to take. But what if you’ve bagged yourself a great girl who’s wonderful in every respect, except you are bothered by her promiscuous past? Should you ditch her because she once used to enjoy hooking up with guys just for sex? Or, in later years, would you regret passing up on the possible love of your life all because of her past?

These are all points worth considering, because there’s nothing stopping you from moving on if you feel you can’t handle a girlfriend’s past or that you shouldn’t have to learn about it in the first place. Many guys hold this view, and some studies have shown that the more promiscuous a woman is or has been in the past, the more likely it is she’ll cheat when she settles down.

However, if you happen to think she’s a great girl in every respect but are obsessing about her “number”, then it might be worth trying to regain control of your thoughts and emotions regarding this.

If you want to start overcoming retroactive jealousy rather than be tormented by it, keep reading; in this post I’ll show you the tools necessary to learn how to get over your girlfriend’s past. The first step is to research and discover what causes a retroactive jealousy disorder in the first place.

Is It Ever Okay to Date a Feminist?

date a feminist
Feminism has fast become a dominant ideology. When so many of the girls you meet have feminist leanings, should you ever actually date a feminist?

One of the more unusual phenomena we see in the West right now is that in many cases, men and women operate under divergent belief systems.

It’s quite odd, when you think about it. Most places, at most points in history, men and women operate under the same belief system, and agree on the same tenets. Usually that belief system is a religion, like Christianity, Judaism, Islam, Buddhism, Hinduism, or Shinto.

But in the absence of religion, other causes come to fill this space by inspiring a new form of religious belief or fervor. Any time something has an -ism attached to its name, it stands a reasonable chance of coming to occupy religious-level importance to people.

One such example is feminism.

Feminism has reached a degree in the West where non-believers are immediately ‘othered’ by the more hardcore adherents of the philosophy. It has its own truths, like the wage-gap and ‘rape culture’, that are immune to facts and statistics and have moved beyond scientific falsifiability. And it engenders a particularly combative relationship between the sexes.

The purpose of this site is not to either support or combat feminism; feminism comes and goes through history, and is a perpetual feature of advanced, wealthy, safe societies. The purpose of this site is to give you useful tools to make better life decisions.

And the one we’ll talk about today is this: should you ever date a girl who subscribes to feminism... or any other -ism diametrically opposed to your own beliefs?

5 Things that Make Rebound Sex so Good (Plus How to Get It)

rebound sex
Rebound sex is a surprisingly healthy way to get over breakups and exes. But what makes it work so well? And how do you get it? Here are 5 things that make it good.

I used to have a poor opinion of rebound sex.

That’s a hookup someone has soon after he exits an old relationship.

I’d see girls hook up with someone on the rebound... Or have a girl hook up with me on it. And in the back of my head I’d say, “Ugh. She completely lacks emotion control.”

After all, if you have good control of your own emotions, what need is there for you to go and have rebound sex with someone fresh just to get over an ex?

Yet as time’s worn on, my opinion’s changed. The science has come in on rebounds too. And the verdict is that not only is a rebound not a bad thing... It is in fact useful to help you move on sooner.

Also, as I found once I’d used it myself a few times, finding someone to sleep with you after you’ve just left a relationship is perhaps one of the easiest ways to get laid this world has to offer. And that’s certainly nothing to sneeze at.

Why Did She Pick YOU as a Boyfriend?

what she wants in a boyfriend
What do girls look for in a boyfriend? Lots: relationship goal fit, value fit, relationship promise, even the first kiss, all matter.

A reader writes in:

Chase,

You are phenomenal. You and Corey Wayne... Do you know of him? Anyways, I want to look at things from a different perspective. I am dating literally a ten out of ten the most beautiful of all women. Let’s get down to brass tacks. What is it that makes a woman choose a man to be BOYFRIEND material? Especially when she is the best of the best. She must see him as an alpha male the one who sets the current of his own world. I am very curious. Because honestly... Yes she is the best but if she is going to be lame and want to move on(dump me, being I do not make her feel special.and slack on my part.. Or just in general) I am ready to move on and find the next sexiest woman. Let me know. I am interested. I want to know what separates us strong men from the rest. Btw, Thank you for your insights. I accredit you and your team to my success. Best!

It’s a deep and interesting question. And one that’s well worth thinking about.

I’ve recently had the chance to watch a great girl who’s hard on the boyfriend hunt cycle through a number of different options. She’s advertising her desire for a boyfriend like crazy, all while stressing that it’s a quality boyfriend she wants (and lamenting that she may well be alone forever... which usually in my experience means she’ll have a new boyfriend within another week or two).

So I think this is a fun one to tackle. Why does a girl pick the guy she picks to eventually be her man?

Why Not to Talk About Game with Women

talk about game
Lots of guys talk about game with girls. But how does this affect your relationships with them? And is it worthwhile to do?

I’ve noticed a difference over the years between my natural friends and my pick up artist friends. Well, more than one difference, but this one is the topic of this article.

The difference I want to talk about today is that my natural friends never talk about game with girls. My friends who’ve intensively studied dating often do.

This one little difference echoes through their relationships with women. It affects what they talk about with girls on dates. It affects what they talk about in their relationships. And it affects (or is a product of) their thoughts.

I’m going to tell you it’s not good to talk about game with girls in this piece. You might not like that. Maybe you want to be completely open with girlfriends. You’ll see why I recommend this as we go through the article though.

And I think by the end of it, you’ll agree.

Her Raw Material or Your Relationship Skills: Which Matters More?

relationship skillsOne of the more interesting questions in relationship management is this one:

The raw material of the person you’re working with, or your relationship management abilities: which matters more?

Stated differently, are you better off dating girls you know make excellent relationship candidates, or are you better off practicing excellent relationship management yourself?

Of course, you know my advice to you will be: “Do both!”

In my opinion, both these two guys:

  1. The guy who picks a girl who’s a terrible fit for a relationship, yet reasons he’ll be able to ‘change’ her or ‘handle’ her; and

  2. The guy who picks a girl who’s an incredible fit for a relationship, then proceeds to do everything wrong from a relationship management standpoint

... are equally screwed.

However, there are some wrinkles to this that are worth understanding.

Why You Always Date the Wrong Person

There are two types of people in the world, romantically-speaking:

  • Those who always date the right person, and
  • Those who always date the wrong person

The people who always date the right person are fairly consistently happy, contented, and have wonderful views of the opposite sex. They think dating is grand, and they’re still friends with their exes. Or at least they think warmly of them.

The people who always date the wrong person are fairly consistently ticked off, resentful, or disappointed, and often have scathing views of the opposite sex. They think dating is a grind, and they’re confused and unhappy, or even mortal enemies with their exes... when they’re not trying to get their exes back again, that is.

date the wrong person

This article is about why people fall into one of these camps or the other: why some people always date the right person, and why others always date the wrong one.

If She Does Not Meet Your Needs, Fix It, Tell Her, or Cut Bait

I see a lot of guys in relationships where they just aren’t getting their needs met:

she doesn't meet your needs

... and I always say to myself, “That seems silly, why don’t they just either fix the situation or get out?”

It seems straightforward enough: if she does not meet your needs, then you either

  • Fix the situation,
  • Make HER fix the situation, or
  • Replace her

Yet, human emotion is not so simple, and once a guy’s is invested in a girl, it’s often hard to pull himself away, even if the situation is not ideal.

So, that in mind, I want to take a look at how men end up in these unsatisfactory positions... and I want to give you some advice on what to do, should you find yourself stuck in a similar pit of tar, unable to get free and sinking ever downward.