Relationships | Girls Chase

Relationships

The continuing and ongoing encounters and involvement you maintain with a woman once you've slept together and become intimate -- whether weeks or months or years -- or more.

How to Fix the "He's Not a Boyfriend" Frame

he's not a boyfriend
Girls will sleep with you, but they won’t date you… and you can’t figure out why. But there are 3 reasons this happens (and you can fix them all).

This article is targeted to upper-intermediate-to-advanced daters with retention problems.

For many of the readers of this website, the problem they have is acquisition, not retention. That is, they can hang onto a girl when they get her... it’s the ‘getting’ where they have difficulty. But there are some men in the opposite boat.

If you’re in the other boat, it’s no problem for you to get girls into bed. You bed new girls often enough, and are content with your sex life. The only issue is, it’d be nice if some of those girls stuck around to become girlfriends... but they don’t. They never stick around.

The common root of this problem is also the common root of their success: how utterly they disqualify themselves as boyfriends. Because they make it simple for women (“This guy is attractive, but he is not a boyfriend at all”), sex becomes much easier to get. She doesn’t have to ask herself if she risks losing a guy she’d like to keep by sleeping with him fast... because she doesn’t want to keep him.

Yet once she’s had her fun with a guy like this, it’s time to move on, because, well, she doesn’t want to keep him.

Today we’ll talk tactical fixes to the three (3) usual sources of the “he’s not a boyfriend” frame: value, attainability, and screening.

The "How Easy is She?" Post-Sex Dance

how easy is she
After sex with a new girl, the real exploration begins. How easy is this girl, anyway? But you’re not the only one with an agenda.

Women are like little detectives. They’re always sleuthing around, poking, prodding, testing, to find out the truth. What is the truth with this man? Who is he really? Is he actually the man he says he is? How does he actually feel about her? Has he changed? Have his feelings toward her changed?

Men, you may have noticed, are far less inquisitive. They figure they’ve got a bead on you, and from that point on they pretty much lose all interest in any further investigations. “Okay, I’ve got her figured out,” a guy says. And then it’s settled; he knows who this chick is. Men do this about women they date and sleep with, but they also do it with their male friends, with their bosses and colleagues, with their business partners, and the like. Once they have somebody figured out, he’s figured out. Any other details they might turn up are likely to be irrelevant.

Today we’re going to talk about a male-female interaction pattern that springs from this dichotomy: the “how easy is she?” post-sex dance.

This is a dance that takes place from immediately after the first time a guy and girl have sex, up to about the point where a woman converts to a regular sex partner of the guy’s. During this dance, the male tries to find out how easy to sleep with a female is, and the female tries to convince the male she’s not that easy.

It’s a fun little game, and a lot more cooperative than you might think, because the two often have similar agendas: the man wants to believe his woman is not that easy, and his woman is happy to help him conclude exactly this.

Hot/Crazy Girls are Easier than Hot/Sane Girls

crazy girls are easy
Why do guys so often end up with hot-but-crazy girls as their breakthrough girlfriends? Due to the hot/crazy discount.

Over my years in the dating niche, I’ve become aware of an interesting trend. Inexperienced men, time and again, after slaving away to do better with girls, end up with gorgeous-yet-crazy women. And often get quite attached to them, until they have a dramatic breakup at some point.

I’ve seen it happen again and again. It happened to me as well. Much of the time, it seems to be unavoidable: the less experienced guy finally ends up with this girl who is just so hot... but also, well, a little nuts.

Sure, there are experienced men who date crazy girls too. Some guys have certain issues that lead them to end up with crazy chicks time and again. Or sometimes you meet a ‘stealth crazy’ who was extra good at hiding the bats in her belfry (though you’ll still catch her fast if you know what to look for). But by and large, the “I’m dating this girl and she is so hot... but she’s also crazy” phenomenon is one you see primarily among a.) less experienced daters, and, to a somewhat lesser extent, b.) intermediate daters.

But here’s the interesting part of the pattern: the hot/crazy girlfriend is often a breakthrough girlfriend for a guy... she’s the first girl in her looks class a guy has managed to bed, let alone get into a relationship. After a guy breaks up with a hot/crazy girlfriend, he’ll typically go on to date similarly attractive women to his ex, except that these next girlfriends are sane (or saner, in any event).

Why should this be so? Why are hot/crazy girls so often the gateway drug to the hot girl castle?

Because hot/crazy girls are easier to have sex with and date than hot/sane girls.

Who Controls Your Woman, the Environment or You?

control your woman
Everything in a woman’s life wields some degree of control over her. The big question is, do you control your woman – or yield control to others?

College tells her feminism
Is what she must embrace.
Her boss says that it is “career”
What wins in the workplace.
Nightlife tells her status
While friends tell her “fun” too.
So who controls your woman
The environment, or you?

At some point, you will find yourself with a girl you like, and decide you want to hang onto her a while. You may not want to keep her forever. You might want a short relationship. Or perhaps you do want her forever.

The man sets the pace and trajectory of the relationship. The woman agrees with his direction and submits to it, or she will disagrees and rebels. If she rebels, she does so to force change to the pace and trajectory of the relationship, not to destroy the relationship or take control herself.

You won’t have women tell you, “We’re doing it my way now.” Well, not usually. Instead, she acts up, pressures you, whines, pouts, complains, and does everything she can to get you to change. She does not want to lead. She wants to influence the leader. Influencing, rather than directly leading, is how women control.

We talk about control in this article. Not control in the sense of unwilling control. Nothing here we’ll discuss will be anything against anyone’s will. The kind of control we will discuss here is leadership, influence, attraction, seduction, security, comfort, and power. It is about who wields the greater control over the mind of an individual. Will it be you, her partner? Or will it be the many other forces in the environment that wish her to do as they will – and not as you do?

"I Hate You" and Other Fiesty Behaviors

I hate you
When a woman tells you she hates you, it’s not a bad sign. And when you trigger behavior like this, you know you’re doing something right.

“I hate you.”

“I hate you so much.”

I first began to hear this frequently when I started to play around with non-monogamy back in the beginning of 2015. I had just ended my last (to date) monogamous relationship and entered into a FWB arrangement with a total nymphomaniac. Details aside, she loved my cock and was totally devoted to me for the next six months. However, once in a while, we’d be hanging out and she’d stare me down with dark eyes and a frowning face, and say “I hate you” to me. Multiple times. At the time, I was speechless, and my typical response was just “...okay,” and then we’d get back to what we were doing.

Fast forward to 2017 – I’ve been running non-monogamous relationships for two and a half years. Having acquired a ton of knowledge since then, I’m actually a bit surprised when I don’t hear this. Instead, I hear this or some form of it – either verbally or non verbally – with every single girl I’m seeing.

  • “I hate you,” said directly to my face, multiple times

  • Passive-aggressive style non-verbal behaviors – like a girl inviting me over to hang out but then giving me a silent treatment of sorts, being intentionally distant while I’m with her; this includes refusing to kiss or have sex (at first) but still hanging out

  • Neediness from women about wanting to know exactly where she stands, expressed directly or indirectly – a girl will openly seek information (through indirect frames) about how I feel about her and whether or not I’m seeing other girls (and how I feel about them)

  • A girl suddenly changing her behavior to be extra nice, sweet, and affectionate toward me – this includes randomly volunteering massages or taking me out to dinner to a swanky place on her tab

Quite frequently, these behaviors continue long after a girl introduces these behaviors – especially well after we’ve had the relationship talk and I have told her that I will not commit to an exclusive relationship.

In fact, one girlfriend tells me “I hate you” literally every thirty minutes, if not more often, every time I see her, and she also texts me this on Snapchat from time to time. Her voice is always stern, her face frowning, and she’s very in my face about it.

“I hate you so much.”

When Your Relationship is Comfy but You Still aren't Happy

comfy relationship unhappy
You have a girlfriend, and she’s great. But she still is not enough. What do you when the relationship is comfortable but unsatisfactory?

Over the years, I’ve discussed with you the danger of ‘falling into relationships’. That is, you’re not ready for a relationship, you don’t want a relationship... yet you settle into one with her anyway.

It could be this girl you date is less than your ideal. Or it might’ve been you weren’t ready for something settled with anyone yet. You needed to explore more; to get laid more, date more, and build up that inner book of mate comparisons people use before they decide to satisfice with a mate.

If your mate is not quality at all, the matter is straightforward: just break up with her. Go be single again. Get your freedom back. And next time, make a wiser choice.

But what do you do if your mate is okay, the relationship is comfortable, and you aren’t sure how able you’ll be to find replacement mates once single... or even whether you’ll be able to find anyone as good as your current gal is?

Then you, my friend, are in a pickle.

Tactics Tuesdays: How to Screen Out * Diggers

screen * diggers
An * digger is a girl who picks which guy to date via one single quality: his muscles, or skin color, or wallet, or military status, or more.

In my article on how to avoid divorce rape, I discussed wife screening. In particular, I talked about how to screen out gold diggers, social climbers, and husband hunters. A reader didn’t like this, and took a mocking tone toward the act of screening out undesirables:

Really good article. Especially that pick the right wife part.

Do you plan on writing an article on screening out muscle* diggers?

There are some evil women out there who dig muscular men. They want to look at your muscles, touch it, ask you to hug them, to lift something etc.

“What’s the problem?” you might ask.

The problem is that those women don’t like you for you like yo mamma does. They don’t give you ego validation. If you were skinny, they wouldn’t even look at you.

What advice would you give to muscular guys?

Would you tell them to slouch, hide their muscles, wear oversized clothes, get fat asap?

You might think that I’m just jealous of those guys and trying to sabotage them... you might think that I’m in auto-rejection by calling those women evil, superficial when I realize that I’ll only ever be able to jerk off to their Instagram photos at best. I’m not.

__

* you can substitute this with fashion, popularity, credentials, nice haircut, tatoos etc.

Mockery aside, he has a point: there really ARE * diggers... and you often will want to screen them out. (I’ll likely do a second article sometime soon about the weird recent Western trend of not screening wives and girlfriends more specifically, too)

In today’s article, we’ll talk about why to screen, in case you haven’t been burned by women before and you aren’t convinced a woman would ever use a man. But then we’ll talk practical solutions. Since, obviously, totally concealing your best qualities (e.g., getting fat ASAP) will usually be counterproductive.

5 Social Media Signs She Thinks Her Boyfriend is a Chump

social media boyfriend
If she’s calling him loyal on social media, she thinks her boyfriend’s a chump. See all 5 ways to tell social media champs from chumps.

Social media is, like celebrity gossip, a waste of time.

But like celebrity gossip, it’s also a direct view into human psychology at its most brutal and honest – if you can see past the Snapchat filters and fake love.

With this article, I hope to show you how seemingly empty entertainment, like social media, can actually grant insight into how women use public displays of affection to signal their own value as a mate and, inadvertently, shame their boyfriends.

The Lifestyle, Part 2: Finding Sex Partners on Craigslist

how to find sex partners on craigslist
Craigslist is a great resource for those living The Lifestyle – swinging, sex parties, and more. There are 6 worthwhile categories on CL, and each needs its own approach.

This is Part 2 of my series on “The Lifestyle”, on sex parties, orgies, swinging, and polyamory. You can read Part 1 of the series here: “The Lifestyle, Part 1: How to Get Into Sex Parties, Swinging, and Polyamory.” In today’s article, we’ll talk about how to find new partners on Craigslist.

An author named Esther Perel has become really famous for turning public discourse on infidelity and the nature of human sexuality on its head.

She has focused on the question: Why do good people cheat?

Esther – along with many other historians and thinkers – has posited that human beings were never designed to be monogamous. While designed to be in groups, we are primates who are constantly shifting in sexual desires and sexual partners. She adds that monogamy has served more as power structure and agrarian vestige than anything else.

Those societies that held chastity as a sacred virtue often had stricter discipline and enjoyed economic and military conquest. Moreover, young women from various fiefdoms and kingdoms were married off to princes and kings of other fiefdoms and kingdoms in order to form alliances and unions.

In the agrarian age, marriage was a sensible safeguard to produce a family that could help a mother and father till land, and produce goods that would bolster future generations.

Thus, monogamy has always had a sensible function in the human dynamic. But it has never been about love. Perel argues that the combining of monogamy with love was a way to justify a seemingly strange practice.

But biologically speaking, it’s rather unreasonable to say that you do not deeply care about someone or even love them if you don’t have a desire to sleep with only them for 50+ years.

And this tension generates the conundrum that a lot of good people face: their biology versus their vows. Perel argues that ultimately, biology has the stronger pull. And so that is why good people end up engaging in infidelity.

And it is also from this tension that The Lifestyle of sexual liberation was born. Perel posits one central question of her own: What if, in love, we could explore different orientations of sexual partners, situations, and desires while still maintaining a strong bond and commitment?

And it’s exactly these different orientations of love and sexual gratification that Perel explores.

In the last post, I explored “The Lifestyle” from the perspective of public events.

And now, we look at it from the private side of things. But before I dive into The Lifestyle on the private side, I want to highlight a juxtaposition that Perel outlines. She argues that in every romantic pairing (especially traditional male-female), there is always one person who is afraid of losing their partner and being alone. And there’s always one person who is afraid of losing themselves in the relationship. It’s often the person who is afraid of losing him or herself that has the stronger pull toward a more sexually liberal situation.

For any guys who are currently in, or have been in, a serious relationship: have you ever felt this way? I would imagine many have.

So a lot of couples are constantly asking how to make sure that both partners are satisfied in a pair dynamic.

And thus, that is why Perel argues that it’s ultimately healthy to explore sexuality beyond just a pair in a relationship. So in this post, I’ll go through the different orientations you are likely to see, and how to get involved in these myriad Lifestyle situations.

The next post will be dedicated to handling emotional hiccups, jealousy, and some additional resources about The Lifestyle.

Why Can't You Find a Loyal Woman?

find a loyal woman
To men, women can seem disloyal… Or at least, not nearly as loyal as men. What’s it take to find a loyal lady anyway?

One of the most discombobulating romantic statements I hear from men goes like this:

I just want to find a girl that’s loyal.

It’s not discombobulating because women can’t be loyal. Plenty of men throughout history, down through to today, have had women deeply loyal to them.

The statement discombobulates, rather, because you cannot ‘find’ loyal women. Any more than you can dig deep into a diamond mine in search of engagement rings, or wander into the African savanna on the lookout for trained circus lions. You may find diamonds in the diamond mine, but you won’t find rings; you might find lions in the savanna, but they won’t be trained. So it is with women.

Some women are more inclined toward loyalty than others, it’s true. But women by nature are opportunistic. They are romantic guns-for-hire, ready to serve whoever makes the best offer... and eminently practical when the lord they’d hoped to sign on with is unable or unwilling to give them the agreement they need.

“I want to find a loyal woman” is a foundational misunderstanding of female psychology. It projects male values onto female prospects.

But women aren’t men. And the way they think about loyalty, treat it, and uphold or enforce it is very, very different.