Girlfriend called me feminine in front of friends.

Corsica

Space Monkey
space monkey
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Jun 6, 2013
Messages
24
My girlfriend is very nice and respectful to me when we are alone. However, last night for the first time we went out with some of her friends. For some reason she was being kind of mean most of the night. We went into a haunted house and her and some of the other girls were holding onto me because they were scared and I was leading the way through the thing. I was not getting scared and thought it was a little silly, but the girls were very scared. I can't remember what exactly was said, but she said some joke about how I'm feminine. I don't know where this came from because I don't think she really thinks that, but she was just trying to be funny. Anyway, because we were in the middle of a haunted house and with a bunch of friends I didn't mention it to her or get after her about it, but I did think it was disrespectful. I would never call her manly in front of a bunch of friends. And she had been a little rude and dismissive most of the night. But, then as we were leaving she was suddenly very warm and affectionate to me again.

Anyway, I'm wondering what is the best way to address this. Just brush it off as a bad joke and not worry about it? Bring up today that it was rude and not ok?

Thanks for your help.
 

Wick

Cro-Magnon Man
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Dec 25, 2012
Messages
1,083
Corsica,

This may seems weird but I think the problem here lies in dominance, as in who's leading the relationship.

I say this because I have been in similar situations where my girlfriend would become a different person around others. In those times she was definitely the one in charge of the relationship.

I would calmly let her know you don't deal with disrespect and you felt she crossed a line.

Take my advice with some salt as I don't have too much experience in monogamous relationships, but I think that there has to be a masculine-feminine dynamic in all relationships, even homosexual ones. Someone is wearing the pants.

There is a possibility that right now you are fulfilling the feminine role (as I had similarly done in the past) and she's got a little more control.

Years later I got back with that same girl as a new man. I was wearing the pants, and guess what it didn't work out. She struggled to gain control and could not and I realized I'm not into that. Now I'm with a very feminine woman and loving it.

Point being you may want to work on leading the relationship but there may be a cost, as it could rock the boat and shake up the dynamic that brought you together in the first place.

I hope you take this constructively and not as an attack on your masculinity! I have been in your boat, maybe even worse haha

Good luck
- J
 

Motiv

Tool-Bearing Hominid
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Joined
Dec 18, 2013
Messages
211
DrexelScott said:
She wanted her friends to see that she wears the pants in the relationship. She knocked you down to boost herself up for social approval. I've had this experience as well where the girl acts like someone else around her friends, best way I dealt with it was just to never agree to hang out with her social circle again. There were tears and drama over it, but whatever.

Only go where you're treated well.

Drexel, you're always an inspiration—short and sweet with no bullshit.

Corsica, if I were in your shoes, I would NEXT this girl immediately. You need to do some serious re-framing and fast... or cut this girl altogether.

-MP
 

daviddreamer

Tool-Bearing Hominid
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Jan 5, 2014
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173
My response is going to be a little different from the above posters....OP I think what happened was really not that serious and was just a joke and you should handle jokes better....You could of easily re-framed that situation at the moment. And the woman was happy and affectionate at the end of the night. So you did a good job. What happened to you doesn't sound like a big deal in my eyes. In fact, when the other girls were holding on to you through the haunted house it is quite possible that your girlfriend was just jealous that other women were touching you and she handled the situation by knocking your masculinity so the other women would let you go. Just my 2 cents.

Oh and don't bring it up now would sound silly and insecure at this point...
 

yaya

Space Monkey
space monkey
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Aug 4, 2014
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13
daviddreamer said:
My response is going to be a little different from the above posters....OP I think what happened was really not that serious and was just a joke and you should handle jokes better....You could of easily re-framed that situation at the moment. And the woman was happy and affectionate at the end of the night. So you did a good job. What happened to you doesn't sound like a big deal in my eyes. In fact, when the other girls were holding on to you through the haunted house it is quite possible that your girlfriend was just jealous that other women were touching you and she handled the situation by knocking your masculinity so the other women would let you go. Just my 2 cents.

Oh and don't bring it up now would sound silly and insecure at this point...
Obviously this^ (especially last sentence)


As if you'd break up with someone over this
 

Rhaegar

Tool-Bearing Hominid
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Apr 27, 2014
Messages
78
She was jealous that all these girls were touching you, wouldn't you be jealous if a bunch of guys were holding her?

And what do jealous and angry people do? They throw insults. It's your fault OP.

Just move on from this, she obviously doesn't think your feminine, a feminine guy wouldnt have a bunch of girls holding onto him.

You got to look at situations from the other persons perspective, not automatically assume she was trying to disrespect you.
 

Motiv

Tool-Bearing Hominid
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Dec 18, 2013
Messages
211
Rhaegar said:
She was jealous that all these girls were touching you, wouldn't you be jealous if a bunch of guys were holding her?

And what do jealous and angry people do? They throw insults. It's your fault OP.

Just move on from this, she obviously doesn't think your feminine, a feminine guy wouldnt have a bunch of girls holding onto him.

You got to look at situations from the other persons perspective, not automatically assume she was trying to disrespect you.

I think this is actually a very smart reply. People who throw insults almost always do so out of insecurity. This is something I've been learning to understand and thus better deal with in my current relationship. Now a days, I actually get a warm feeling of superiority whenever my gf starts hurling mean critique my way—it means I've gotten under her skin.

-MP
 
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