Were very much in love.. What's wrong now??

jason12345

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Apr 13, 2014
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I've been going steady with this girl for the past 9 months now. I've known her for more than a year.
Initially it was just the fact that we enjoyed each others' company, the feeling that we could share anything with each other, and the fact that our bedroom chemistry was incredible.
But around 4 months ago (Dec), we fell in love with each other. Well I was in love with her before that, and I think she could sense it, but it was then that she confessed her love for me. She even hinted that she would love to spend her life with me. Needless to say, I was (we both were) in heaven. A month after that, in January, she had to move to a different city for work (temporarily). We kept meeting each other though, and the chemistry was always amazing.

Last month (March) we got into an argument over the phone. This was our first fight really, and she saw a side of me she had never seen. Honestly it was not so bad, I just shouted a bit, but I think it shocked her to see me that way. Immediately after the fight I went to see her, and I could have sworn everything went back to normal.
But soon she showed signs of distancing herself from me. Although she never admitted it, we were drifting apart. Where she used to call me 10 times a day to share every tiny detail of her life, now she wasn't even answering my calls. Where there was so much affection and mushiness in her voice, now there was no emotion. But we both were afraid to say that the relationship was about to end.

I am sorry to say that things dragged on this way for some time. We were speaking to each other almost every day, but there was no connection. Of late she had come to my city again for some work, and she visited me. Although she stayed at my place, we ended up not sleeping in the same bed. But we got around to talking in depth about the whole issue.

Now would be a good time to tell you some history about my girl. We're both hitting 30 in a couple of years. She has had 3-4 relationships prior to this, but she has never been in reciprocating love with someone before me. That is to say, the one guy who she loved never loved her back, and for other guys who loved her, she never had any feelings. Also, 2 of her boyfriends cheated on her while they were dating her. Suffice to say that this is the FIRST REAL RELATIONSHIP that she has ever had, with true feelings, no cheating, the whole works. Further, she was single (well she had a casual fling) for almost three years before she started dating me.

Anyway, since we spoke that day, she went back to her city and took a couple of days to think things over. When we spoke later, she expressed her desire to end the relationship saying that maybe I wasn't the person for her. That she wanted to end it might make sense because she had become something of a loner having spent so much time being single, and she has no idea how things go in a real relationship.

Heartbroken, I told her that she was making a mistake and to please be back to normal again. Don't cringe, I know maybe I should never have said it and should just have ended things, but after a few minutes she said "yes, let's go back to normal". I was surprised to be honest, but I got the feeling that the moment we were about to separate, she also felt that it was a mistake to let go of me.
I then said we should take a short vacation together, and she said yes. This was last week.

However, things haven't gone back to normal. Things are stiff between us, and although I am trying to be as affectionate as I can with her over the phone, she isn't showing much affection to me. I can feel that the love is still there from her side, hiding under a layer of doubt, perhaps? She's keeping herself extremely busy and doesn't have much time to talk to me these days. It feels like she's just mildly interested in the relationship and not giving it her full effort.

And from my side, well, I still love her like I have always. I feel like I can do anything to keep her in my life, to live my whole life with her, and all that.. You know how it goes..

I have been in 2 serious relationships before this and I've had casual ones with 3-4 girls, but this is the first time I've been in a situation like this. Is there absolutely anything I can do to get her to love me back the same way she did before? I know this girl is complicated and difficult because of her history and maybe some other things but she's totally worth it. So please can you help me get her to love me again?

Any pointers will be much appreciated. Thanks so much in advance. This means a lot to me.
 

Mr. oblivious

Tool-Bearing Hominid
Tool-Bearing Hominid
Joined
Apr 13, 2014
Messages
287
Im not expert so im not sure how accurate my advice might be:

I think when you had the fight with her over the phone you must have reminded or simulated her previous relationships which from what iv read weren't pleasant experiences.

Im assuming since you reminded her of her previous relationships she distanced herself from you because she didn't want another relationship like her previous ones.

Ill probably leave advice to the more experience members cause the advice im thinking of doesn't seem to solve anything good luck
 

jason12345

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Apr 13, 2014
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I appreciate your reply. Not very helpful, but appreciated nevertheless. Just to clarify, she's is absolutely sure that with me she doesn't have to worry about all those things that went wrong in her previous relationships. Because she knows I'm not that kind of a guy.

Update:
Today I spoke to her on the phone again. She said that she wasn't interested in the relationship anymore, and was too busy with work to give it any time and effort. She said she knew how much I loved her, and it was killing her that she couldn't give back to me similarly. Then I said let's just end it. We spoke for a few minutes emotionally, reminiscing on some old memories.

Suddenly she says.. "I'm stupid.. stupid.. stupid.. In the future if I date anyone I want to date someone like you..." then after a few silent moments she says "let's take a break and date again please" and then quickly.. "but don't count on me".
When I asked her to explain why she said why she wanted to date me after a break she said "because I think I'm making a really stupid decision here, and because I think that if I should be with anyone it should be with someone like you. But don't count on me because I'm a really confused girl.."


I didn't reply to that. I just told her.. it was nice being with you etc. etc. etc. and we should meet before we break-up properly. She agreed to visit my city as soon as she could get a break from work, and we hung up.

Now I'm stumped. I get the feeling that she doesn't really want to break-up, it's just the fact that the love has died down from her side considerably and she finds it unfair that she's not able to put in effort into the relationship. I thought that maybe some time apart from each other will make her realize how much she misses me, and bring back all the old feelings. But I'm not too optimistic at this point. I feel like I need to do SOMETHING to get her back in my life, get her back to loving me the way she had done.

What do you guys think from all this? Do I have a chance?
 

Whizzy

Cro-Magnon Man
Cro-Magnon Man
Joined
Jan 8, 2013
Messages
680
Simple, if you want to be with her then during this meetup give her mindblowing sex.

On the other hand if you dont, then simply let it go :)


She sounds like she is conflicted so would be open to you still, its up to you to decide whether you want to take the offer or not
 

jason12345

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Apr 13, 2014
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Thanks for the replies, everyone. The meetup has not happened yet.

Also, I haven't been talking to her much. She had called me once in response to a text message I had left her, but I couldn't talk much then. I haven't called her back and it's been a week since we spoke.

Basically it feels like we've broken up at this point. I feel terrible sometimes, not knowing what to do to take this relationship forward. At other times I'm like, "screw her, she doesn't deserve me anyway".
But I do want to be with her.

I'm really not bragging (no point as I'm just an anonymous person on this guys-only forum), but I'm the kinda guy who most girls would die to be with; I'm a stable, loving, caring, loyal guy, who likes to take his girl on exciting dates and trips, and is also absolutely amazing in bed. I play the guitar and am in shape. I'm artistic and smart, have a good job, and drive a sexy car.

So like I said, I can get pretty much any girl to be with me. But this was one girl who didn't seem to be impressed by any of it, she was just with me for the kind of connection we shared and the absolute joy of our companionship. Which is one of the reasons that I fell in love with her in the first place.

Now that I look back at it, maybe I've been quite a bit emotional and clingy especially after she started withdrawing from me, maybe that took most of the attraction away. I can't think of anything else I've done wrong in this relationship. I don't believe in "if it's meant to happen it'll happen", I believe that "if you want it you've to make it happen".

What do I do at this point? I feel lost.
 
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