Identity Crisis: Learning to Love Yourself

Hey Guys,

Back story:
Long time no talk, every once in awhile I get messages about members asking me how to do pick up if you're a "black guy". I normally scratch my head and the first thing I think about is the importance of fundamentals. Then I realized that wasn't going to suffice because many guys heads and emotions get in the way. They psych themselves out because they believe culturally they won't be accepted. That may be true, however many people aren't open minded. Some people may not like you for a number of reasons maybe they aren't in the mood to talk, your personality sucks, and your energy is off. Perhaps you come off as whiny and unconfident, and people hate dealing with people with a victim mentality. Here's the thing if you think you're worthless and people won't want to deal with you they'll pick up on it.

Respecting yourself and your boundaries: Treat everyone that you meet like they're your equal, and don't view yourself below or above them. If someone says something that sounds culturally insensitive to you, call them out on it. You don't have to say it in a mean or nasty way, just say "I would appreciate if you don't make jokes like that around me." If they continue especially at a social gathering such as a barbecue or party, just simply excuse yourself. Don't let people attempt to degrade and belittle you, especially women. Women respect strong and socially suave men, men who don't tolerate bad behavior from women. This means don't let a women call you out of your name, ever. At the same time don't be overly sensitive, a lot of times you deal with ignorant people. Depending on who it is or the circumstance, don't overreact. Overreacting can anyone look childish, besides no one is forcing you to tolerate abuse. There is always a door or should be a door to walk through to get away from the nonsense.

Communicate: If you don't understand why someone does something that you're not familiar with, ask. Strong men aren't afraid to communicate their desires with women. Black men are known to be very sexually aggressive, as a result women expect you to hit on them. Women are also very curious to find out which stereotypes are true. Women love sex and if you come off as a sexy guy, you move fast enough, and you're determined women will sleep with you. You can't be shy or scared, women hate weakness. Just make the move, someone will be interested if you keep trying. Remember seduction is about numbers, and you have keep approaching even if your tired.

Approach: Let's face it you can't approach every girl the same. Women in the west are different from the women in the east, you have to approach women in a way that culturally works. Believe it or not, you can't approach every black girl the same, some black girls are more conservative that other black girls. Same goes for white girls, some white girls are more conservative than others. Yes, you can have a sexy walk, style, smile etc . . . but sometimes your game needs to change. The biggest shocker to most black guys new to game is that the same lines and moves that worked on blacks, may not work on whites. To be honest, just cause a girl isn't into you doesn't mean she's racist. If you want advice on how to get a particular type of girl, ask the expert who's good with that particular type of girl. Let's go deeper, I'm not a clubber or heavy partier so I would be the wrong person to ask about party girls. Now if you're trying to get more quiet or reserved girls, I'm you're guy. Now just cause I'm a expert at a particular girl doesn't mean I stop approaching other girls or even other cultures.

Option city: Now if a black guy wants to strictly date white girls, go for it. If a black guy wants to date only Asians, not my business. However, I will say women will be more receptive of you if you throw out a line like this: Example time

Girl: Do you like white girls?
Dave: I love women of all colors haha, why?
Girl: I mean would you ever date one?
Dave: Depends if she's cool or not?
Girl: So you would be open to dating one?
Dave: I don't go by the color of a woman's skin, I go by how special she is and how much we connect. Especially when it comes to dating.

See the problem is when you shut off various groups of people, you shut of those women as well. When you don't interact with a certain type of person, you're not sure how to interact with their women. When any guy asks me how to get black women, I tell them have thick skin and be assertive. Black women just like their male counterparts are known for being aggressive. Now we all know stereotyping is bad, so when a girl asks you "Are you into *insert culture here* girls?" simply say "I am, but I'm always open to meeting new pretty women of any background."

The natural bad boy: In the end black guys have the "natural" bad boy card because the way their mostly portrayed in the media. This makes women want to see if it's true. They have rebellious stages and want to have a taste. You've more than likely see them, and if you haven't open your eyes more. Culture can work for or against you at times.

Choose your path: Now not every black guy is the same, we comes in different shades, shapes, and sizes. Some of us are more street than the other, and some of us are into books and science. Some of us may be into manga or video games and others are sports crazy and very athletic. The thing about is you have to find your interest and go after the girls you click with. Don't worry about the media, girls like black guys that think for themselves and act for themselves.

This has been a public service announcement,

Just Dave

This may have been more geared and written towards black guys however the same principles could be applied to any group of people in the context. Overall you must be able to cast away your doubt when approaching women.

Questions comments, or concerns?!

Great post Dave!

I strongly relate with the section "Respecting yourself and your boundaries". When I moved over from the West coast to the East coast, I wasn't aware of the concept of race. To me, people were people. But I learned the lesson of racism the hard way and I struggled with ideas of being worthless or unwanted when I was in high school and the first year and a half of college. It wasn't until I started working to improve myself that I realized just how much value I have and how blind I was to it by false beliefs that developed over the years. I know fundamentals don't solve all problems, but they help a ton. Even before I dress the way that I dress now, I followed along similar guidelines to Abigail Van Buren's quote, “The best index to a person's character is (a) how he treats people who can’t do him any good, and (b) how he treats people who can't fight back.” A strong and positive self-image is key to not only being a great seducer, but being successful in life in general. People will take note of your energy and draw to you and feed off that energy. When push comes to shove, when all that you know has passed and has long since been forgotten, you can stand firmly planted on your two feet and say with confidence and conviction that "Everything will be alright. As long as I have you (the self, who we are at our very core), I'll be alright. I'll never be alone. I'll know that if no one wants me, I will want me. I love you no matter what anyone else says." Being a light for your self allows you to be a light for those around you. You feel great about who you are and want others to feel that same feeling. At least, that is what I feel now. I remember what it is like to be self-loathing and down and depressed; I don't want anyone to ever feel that way because I never want to feel that way again. Learning yourself does take time but when you finally get "it", there is this click and realization and you feel freed and life is viewed from a whole different perspective. There must be a constant shutting down and reframing of negative thoughts and mentalities. Replacing them with positive and uplifting ones. Smile even when you have no reason to be happy, just smile. Think happy thoughts and wish other people happiness as well. When you give value to others and wish for the best for others, those same things come back to you. "You will reap what you sow." "You get what you give." Changing such mentalities rarely change in weeks or months, it takes time and effort, but the rewards are worth it for those of you who deal with such things. Some days you just want to give up and fall back into what you know and are comfortable with; negative mindsets and thoughts of hopelessness. Don't listen to the lies, keep fighting. You win the battle as soon as you realize that you choose the life you want to live. You think the thoughts you want to think. You believe what you want to believe. We have the power of CHOICE! We choose to give meaning to things. We choose to believe we are not good enough, we choose to believe "because I am white, black, asian, latino, middle eastern, arab, spanish, etc." Choose the thoughts you want to think. Choose to see life through a new perspective. You may not have a choice in what others do, but you have a choice in what YOU do, say, think, look.

Watch this video: Will Smith’s secrets to success

“You don’t set out to build a wall. You don’t say I’m going to build the biggest, baddest, greatest wall that’s ever been built. You don’t start there. You say, ‘I’m going to lay this brick as perfectly as a brick can be laid.’ And you do that every single day. And soon you have a wall.” - Will Smith

Again, great post! I worked on communicate today. Just gave a girl a compliment. That was it, I know, but I know that is better than sitting and doing nothing.

Take care,

TheWiseFool said:

Great post Dave!

You believe what you want to believe. We have the power of CHOICE! We choose to give meaning to things. We choose to believe we are not good enough, we choose to believe "because I am white, black, asian, latino, middle eastern, arab, spanish, etc." Choose the thoughts you want to think. Choose to see life through a new perspective. You may not have a choice in what others do, but you have a choice in what YOU do, say, think, look.

Watch this video: Will Smith’s secrets to success

“You don’t set out to build a wall. You don’t say I’m going to build the biggest, baddest, greatest wall that’s ever been built. You don’t start there. You say, ‘I’m going to lay this brick as perfectly as a brick can be laid.’ And you do that every single day. And soon you have a wall.” - Will Smith

Again, great post! I worked on communicate today. Just gave a girl a compliment. That was it, I know, but I know that is better than sitting and doing nothing.

Take care,

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Thanks TWF,

I've always admired Will Smith and what he brings to the table.

Your above points are also very true for anyone that wants to achieve success in other areas of life not just women. Many people will tell you can't do things because they feel like you don't fit the image. Many truly successful people did things that people thought were unconventional and insane, but it worked. However, what truly made these people successful was the fact that they didn't give up and kept going back to the drawing board.

“You don’t set out to build a wall. You don’t say I’m going to build the biggest, baddest, greatest wall that’s ever been built. You don’t start there. You say, ‘I’m going to lay this brick as perfectly as a brick can be laid.’ And you do that every single day. And soon you have a wall.”

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I love this quote. That's my goal for each day. Make every day a perfect brick.

And as a white guy, I have little experience on this. I will say this one thing that I have noticed. In the North a girl has no problem hooking up with black (or any other minority) guys. I've never seen a girl care a ton about that. But when I went to college in the South, it seemed to change. Two southern girls have told me straight up that they would never date a black guy because of how people and their families would see them. When I heard that, I was shocked.

And it isn't just girls. There seems to be a general acceptance of some casual racism in the South. It wasn't even necessarily southern people, my roommate from up North threw around the N word when he came down a lot more. No idea why. Again, this is general, I'm not saying everyone is.

It bothers me, because I've been bullied and I know what it feels like to be teased about something you can't change. But I have no idea about the racism that people face because I have rarely been in that situation. But I wanted to add my two cents and say this is a great post on loving yourself no matter what your race is.

Just Dave,

This is a fantastic post, and I think the core message seems that in the end if you believe you will not be culturally accepted, you're simply sabotaging yourself. Psyching yourself out before even doing the process and you're basically living a self fulfilling prophecy, where you believe you fail and then act in ways that will ensure the failure, further exacerbating your victim mentality. And people don't like victims or those that believe they aren't worth anything, unless you run across a "rescuer" persona.

To be honest, as a brown guy I do deal with this in myself frequently - a sense that women whom I like will reject me for what I look like. Yet, I've been told over and over by these same women otherwise, and have surprised myself with what I've sometimes accomplished. That's where this really rings in:

Just_Dave said:

Girl: Do you like white girls?
Dave: I love women of all colors haha, why?
Girl: I mean would you ever date one?
Dave: Depends if she's cool or not?
Girl: So you would be open to dating one?
Dave: I don't go by the color of a woman's skin, I go by how special she is and how much we connect. Especially when it comes to dating.

Click to expand...

Women seem to LOVE to hear for when, as a man, you look for something deeper than just what she looks like physically, especially if she's of a certain race and ethnicity.

Just_Dave said:

Don't worry about the media, girls like black guys that think for themselves and act for themselves.

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I wouldn't say this is limited to just black guys...certainly this is attractive for any kind of guy.

Thank you JD.

@Veri

Veri said:

And as a white guy, I have little experience on this. I will say this one thing that I have noticed. In the North a girl has no problem hooking up with black (or any other minority) guys. I've never seen a girl care a ton about that. But when I went to college in the South, it seemed to change. Two southern girls have told me straight up that they would never date a black guy because of how people and their families would see them. When I heard that, I was shocked.

And it isn't just girls. There seems to be a general acceptance of some casual racism in the South. It wasn't even necessarily southern people, my roommate from up North threw around the N word when he came down a lot more. No idea why. Again, this is general, I'm not saying everyone is.

It bothers me, because I've been bullied and I know what it feels like to be teased about something you can't change. But I have no idea about the racism that people face because I have rarely been in that situation. But I wanted to add my two cents and say this is a great post on loving yourself no matter what your race is.

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I'm not really surprised to be honest, and it makes sense from a cultural standpoint. A lot of people may genuinely have good feelings of certain groups of people but because of upbringing they may experience some taboo feeling. People are heavily influenced by their friends and family and do what they feel they have too to blend in. The line about the two white girls in the quoted section is what my statement relates too. Women in particular are more influenced by what their friends and family thinks. The good news is like you said not everyone in the south is like this, just a selected few.

@Ozzo

Ozzo said:

Women seem to LOVE to hear for when, as a man, you look for something deeper than just what she looks like physically, especially if she's of a certain race and ethnicity.

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Definitely Ozzo, I feel I miss out on so many girls by limiting myself to dating just a selective few groups of women. When you tell women that you don't like a particular or you wouldn't date a particular group, she'll wonder if you'd ever date her. This will cause them to go into auto rejection. This is why I tell girls I enjoy having fun and going adventures with various types of people. This way you learn to better understand and accept people

You guys might laugh at this but I have actually felt a bit of prejudice myself being white. I work at a resort in the Midwest and they hire internationals to work during the summer from all types of countries (Britain, Colombia, Brazil, Australia, New Zealand, Ukraine.) I have noticed particularly in Latina women that quite a few of them regard the white male from the U.S. as an overtly aggressive and arrogant man whore. While girls in the U.S. would think my actions were just up front and confident, they may think otherwise. Looking at their culture it seems to me that their men are much more tame and complacent. I may be wrong but that is my general observation. It really shows that in the art of seduction one really has to take in the consideration of culture.


P.S. I'm damn proud to be an American male.

Hahaha Casanovelis you're not alone. I used to intern at a jail (for the state attorney's office), and I was in an elevator with an African American prisoner and a guard. Somehow the talk got to politics and the prisoner turns to me and says, "No offense, but your people are ruining the country" and the guard nods and says, "Yeah I have no idea what we're gonna do when Obama can't run". I had no idea what to say and I was trying so hard not to laugh, so I just sorta nodded. Not really any serious discrimination or racism there, but its a hilarious story.

Verisimilitude said:

Hahaha Casanovelis you're not alone. I used to intern at a jail (for the state attorney's office), and I was in an elevator with an African American prisoner and a guard. Somehow the talk got to politics and the prisoner turns to me and says, "No offense, but your people are ruining the country" and the guard nods and says, "Yeah I have no idea what we're gonna do when Obama can't run". I had no idea what to say and I was trying so hard not to laugh, so I just sorta nodded. Not really any serious discrimination or racism there, but its a hilarious story.

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Sounds like just ignorance. I'm not really familiar with how American men are portrayed in Latina culture but I always sensed attraction but a huge apprehension. I am definitely going to be more aware this year and sensitive to the subject.

People really need to understand:
1.) How our currency is issued.
2.) Unfettered Capitalism.
3.) Usury.
4.) Competition in the geopolitical theater for resources.