Am I too old to start?

I'm white, british, middle class, university educated and in my early-mid 40's. From reading the forums I guess that makes me a bit older than most of the guys on this site, and therefore most of the guys living this kind of lifestyle.

I've been married nearly 10 years and recently discovered my wife has had an affair, it may not be the only time but this is the only one she has confessed to.

I love this woman, and for various reasons (some financial, some emotional) wish to stay married to her, but I recently came to the conclusion that I need sex outside of my marriage. This has not happened to date and so I don't yet know if this is likely to be a one off just for catharsis, or a regular thing.

I know some people will find it hard not to voice their opinion on me (some may question why I want to stay in this relationship when I have been wronged, others may call me out as a douchebag for wanting to cheat), and whilst I don't deny anyone their right to judge me on that, it's not what I am here for - I am looking for advice / tips on how someone my age might start to get some action that doesn't rock the boat with my marriage.

About me
As mentioned I'm approaching mid 40's, but could probably pass for late 30's both in looks and mindset / personality
6'0" tall, and 12 stone and not in bad shape. I think I'm a bit skinny, due to a large frame. I am working on bulking out a bit with weights - although I do struggle to keep the weight on.
I live in the UK and own my own business (employing about 100 people) in a mainly working class city not far from Birmingham
Not particularly good looking and I certainly don't turn heads - perhaps on a really good day based on looks alone I might make a 6 or 7. However, before getting married I managed to attract and lay a small number of good looking women, 8, 9, 10's, but I suspect that most half decent looking guys with a bit of self confidence could have achieved the same just through luck alone (right place right time kind of thing)

Things I have in my favour
I am physically in good condition for my age and I dress well, in a shirt, jacket, trousers and shoes kind of way as opposed to a jeans, t-shirt and trainers kind of way. Think Paul Smith not Superdry.
I am not shy around women, except if trying to approach someone who appears aloof or out of my league at which point I just don't even try.
If I'm not in a pickup situation I can hold court, crack jokes and make pretty good banter.
I can maintain a conversation and don't normally struggle for things to say - At 40 something I have plenty of life experience and anecdotes to draw on
My inner game is so-so - I don't fear rejection, but I do tend to overanalyse why it happened.
My office is close to the local university
I work about 30 miles away from home and would be unlikely to get caught out having coffee etc with a date

Challenges I face
I can't easily do internet dating - for fear of being recognised I used a photo of a celebrity who I resemble more than a bit. I was recently called out on this by a girl on OK Cupid
I can't do tinder as it links to my Facebook and I worry about it being traceable, plus as tinder is primarily about the photo I'd then have to suddenly start having new and strange profile pictures popping up on my facebook and friends and family would find that very odd. I tried making a fake FB profile and straight away FB started suggesting a whole load of people who I might know. I did know them, so I got scared and didn't go any further.
I don't get to know many suitable girls socially, except through work (ie my employees, and although I wouldn't rule it out I would need to be really careful how I went about this)
I can't bring girls home, so would need to have a their place only policy or go to a hotel (too sleazy?)
I can't do night game (it would seem strange if I suddenly started going out to pubs and bars)
I don't have any wingmen (all my pals are married etc)
I've been out of the game for a long time so all my reference points are 80's and 90's not current - I am working to address this, but damn it's hard work listening to the likes of Drake, Kendrick Lamar etc!!

I'm looking to meet girls 20- 35, and I'm almost certainly trying to punch a little above my weight. So, in terms of meeting places I see the local university as being the best in terms of male to female ratio and also nicer looking, educated girls who might be prepared to hold a conversation with an older guy, but feel I might be battling overwhelming odds in terms of my age vs their age. I've managed to strike up a couple of conversations with girls I would rate, but not managed to close the deal yet in terms of getting a date organised.

As far as internet dating is concerned I've followed some of the guidance on this site, but feel a lot of it is not appropriate for someone my age. I made a profile for POF and OKCupid that was quite jokey, and not at all serious. I've only had it up for a week, and messaged about 100 girls (I know I need to hit on a lot more to find out if the profile is any good). I have tried a couple of openers mainly along the lines of "Hey, I hear girls who like x and x are good at / bad at blah blah, is this true?", with no response for the most part. Perhaps a 20-25 year old guy behaving like a joker is ok, but at 40 does it just come across as weird / try hard?

The help I am looking for
Am I too old for this?
Should I be looking elsewhere other than the university?
Any good suggestions as to where / how to initiate conversation?
Any other advice / tips / critique welcome.

NB If I did get caught misbehaving it would be unlikely to be the end of my marriage, but it would make life pretty awkward for a while.

I think Sepakku is in his 50s. NJ is in his mid 30s. Marty is 40 something. I'm not too far from you myself and there are others I'm sure. So yes you can get started late. As to how you're gonna do that with a wife I can't say exactly. As to whom you're attracting I don't think you realize you're probably getting more looks from women than you think. So handle your fundamentals and once you do that your wife may actually want you back so to speak.

~Yhaceed

@ Slay

Lol. Always the short answer (not a bad thing).

Hey Mr G,

No you're not too old.

Yhaceed said:

I think Sepakku is in his 50s.

Click to expand...

I'm almost 48 LOL.

I started as a total beginner at age 45, out of a divorce after 15 years. I think older age actually makes it *easier* to learn all this stuff. You're much more confident, and you already have some life achievements, therefore making you high value. As owner of your own business with 100 people, you also have status for you. All three are huge positives, more important than your appearance.

Don't worry about what you look like. There are always things you can do to improve your appearance (what we call here fundamentals). It's always good to work on yourself (muscles, and keeping fit). And you can work on your dressing style to find something unique that make you stand out. That will help, but your confidence, high value and status will be your strengths anyway.

Quick pointers:
* read about the concept of frame (if you don't already know it)
* read about the touch escalation ladder
* learn Chase's "slow smile"
* don't let your body language give you away, and keep her guessing (does he like me?)
* avoid formal dinners, wining and dining, white knight stuff which are *counterproductive*
* sexy beats funny any time
* and it's about making *her* talk, not you.

About frame, you must already using "the boss frame" in your business. That's a good frame to start. Act like her boss. Much much more efficient than acting like her white knight.

POF is a waste of time. If I remember, they use a matching algorithm putting priority on women you age. And they forbid contact if age difference is bigger than 15 years. You will want to aim for the 23 - 30 years old segment. Try Badoo or Tinder. And it's all about the pictures (your opener matters very little I think). So if it doesn't work, try other pictures. I open with "I'm Seppuku. How are you?" Nothing fancy. And yes, avoid the funny stuff.

Seppuku
PS. For approaching, start with low pressure environments - library, bus, coffee shop. Relaxed and receptive people.

@ Seppuku,


Sorry I guess I got you mixed up with someone else in similar thread.

@Yhaceed,

no worries. The other older guy I'm aware of here, is Sophisticated Gent, who is in his mid 50s I think. But he stopped posting about a year ago. Got busy with professional life I believe.

Cheers,
Seppuku

Seppuku said:

Hey Mr G,

No you're not too old.

Yhaceed said:

I think Sepakku is in his 50s.

Click to expand...

I'm almost 48 LOL.

I started as a total beginner at age 45, out of a divorce after 15 years. I think older age actually makes it *easier* to learn all this stuff. You're much more confident, and you already have some life achievements, therefore making you high value. As owner of your own business with 100 people, you also have status for you. All three are huge positives, more important than your appearance.

Don't worry about what you look like. There are always things you can do to improve your appearance (what we call here fundamentals). It's always good to work on yourself (muscles, and keeping fit). And you can work on your dressing style to find something unique that make you stand out. That will help, but your confidence, high value and status will be your strengths anyway.

Quick pointers:
* read about the concept of frame (if you don't already know it)
* read about the touch escalation ladder
* learn Chase's "slow smile"
* don't let your body language give you away, and keep her guessing (does he like me?)
* avoid formal dinners, wining and dining, white knight stuff which are *counterproductive*
* sexy beats funny any time
* and it's about making *her* talk, not you.

About frame, you must already using "the boss frame" in your business. That's a good frame to start. Act like her boss. Much much more efficient than acting like her white knight.

POF is a waste of time. If I remember, they use a matching algorithm putting priority on women you age. And they forbid contact if age difference is bigger than 15 years. You will want to aim for the 23 - 30 years old segment. Try Badoo or Tinder. And it's all about the pictures (your opener matters very little I think). So if it doesn't work, try other pictures. I open with "I'm Seppuku. How are you?" Nothing fancy. And yes, avoid the funny stuff.

Seppuku
PS. For approaching, start with low pressure environments - library, bus, coffee shop. Relaxed and receptive people.

Click to expand...

Seppuku
Thanks for the pep talk, this all sounds like sound advice, I'm already putting some of it into practice but will definitly heed the rest.

Managing the Affair while being married is kinda like learning to drive a race car on city streets. It might actually give you the impetus to cut the cord and endure the pain because you realize something better is out there.

If you decide you want to step outside your marriage, I'd recommend insulating yourself against the shitstorm that will occur when you do get caught. And you will be caught. Count on it.

Consult with a lawyer and get an estimate on what it is going to cost in child support and legal costs and asset division. Do it now while SHE is the bad guy. Perhaps your legal counsel can advise you on whether a post nuptial agreement can be implemented to shield your exposure. I think that is a UK thing...I don't know. But prepare for the worst.


As for the age thing Seppuku is correct in all his assertions. A 40 year old man with a career is in fine shape to attract females. You have demonstrated your value already.

You r very courageous to say and voice your personal life and feelings. That is a quality most people donot have.
I appreciate it and will post to you if I get some ideas. I am 33 years myself. If people can start at 45 and 50. I dont see any problem.

a common question asked

I don't have any advice on getting a new GF, but I can give you a good source on your relationship with your wife. I consider girlschase the best source I have found on relationships outside of marriage; but recommend Athol Kay's 'Married Men's Guide to Sex Life Primer' as the best book on troubled marriages. (I have recommended girlschase to men on his forum for men getting back into dating.)