Abundance Mentality

BrotherBaner

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So I've been reading the site for a while now and I've actually seen some huge improvements. I spent a lot of time studying last semester and this semester I've been focusing on action. Already my results are exponential, mainly because they were non-existent before, but I'm still having one particular hang up that seems to be holding me back. Even though I keep getting girls numbers and some results, every time I meet a new girl I have this underlying desperation that I feel comes off maybe not immediately, but certainly before I can completely seal the deal. I've had more dates and make outs and have gotten more numbers in the past couple weeks than in my 20 years prior but whenever there is someone new in front of me all my subconscious mind can think is "God I hope this girl becomes my girlfriend and gives me affection and I don't have to keep going out there anymore". What's best for me is probably to continually get rejected until I reach the point where I can consistently get women, but in the back of my mind what I truly want is a relationship and regular affection. I can't completely close because I don't have enough experience to not get so hung up on each individual girl, and I can't get enough experience because I get hung up and can't close. It seems like an insurmountable catch 22. What do I do?
 

JaegerBeta92

Space Monkey
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Joined
Apr 9, 2016
Messages
35
BrotherBaner said:
So I've been reading the site for a while now and I've actually seen some huge improvements. I spent a lot of time studying last semester and this semester I've been focusing on action. Already my results are exponential, mainly because they were non-existent before, but I'm still having one particular hang up that seems to be holding me back. Even though I keep getting girls numbers and some results, every time I meet a new girl I have this underlying desperation that I feel comes off maybe not immediately, but certainly before I can completely seal the deal. I've had more dates and make outs and have gotten more numbers in the past couple weeks than in my 20 years prior but whenever there is someone new in front of me all my subconscious mind can think is "God I hope this girl becomes my girlfriend and gives me affection and I don't have to keep going out there anymore". What's best for me is probably to continually get rejected until I reach the point where I can consistently get women, but in the back of my mind what I truly want is a relationship and regular affection. I can't completely close because I don't have enough experience to not get so hung up on each individual girl, and I can't get enough experience because I get hung up and can't close. It seems like an insurmountable catch 22. What do I do?

this is a major sticking point for me as well too, is how to take action and be the hunter, pursue women without coming across as needy or desperate at the same time, i'm talking more like once you get her number and setting up dates, calling/texting her, etc.
 

Richard

Tribal Elder
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Joined
Mar 1, 2013
Messages
1,821
So I've been reading the site for a while now and I've actually seen some huge improvements. I spent a lot of time studying last semester and this semester I've been focusing on action. Already my results are exponential, mainly because they were non-existent before, but I'm still having one particular hang up that seems to be holding me back. Even though I keep getting girls numbers and some results, every time I meet a new girl I have this underlying desperation that I feel comes off maybe not immediately, but certainly before I can completely seal the deal. I've had more dates and make outs and have gotten more numbers in the past couple weeks than in my 20 years prior but whenever there is someone new in front of me all my subconscious mind can think is "God I hope this girl becomes my girlfriend and gives me affection and I don't have to keep going out there anymore". What's best for me is probably to continually get rejected until I reach the point where I can consistently get women, but in the back of my mind what I truly want is a relationship and regular affection. I can't completely close because I don't have enough experience to not get so hung up on each individual girl, and I can't get enough experience because I get hung up and can't close. It seems like an insurmountable catch 22. What do I do?

It's going to hurt to hear this but you're not ready for a relationship because as you just said; you want regular affection and you see a relationship as the way to get it. In other words, you're going into a relationship looking for somebody to complete you and that's unhealthy. Take an honest look at what I said, if you're bothered by it or you're hurt by it then it's probably true.

Good news is that you're already aware of this because you've sensed the desperation, the outcome dependence, etc. What you're really looking for is self-esteem and a sense of worth, something along the lines of "I know I'm valuable when a girls shows me affection." Before I press onward, reflect on what I've said and let me know what you think. If I'm getting warm (and I am) then I'll keep going.

-Richard
 

BrotherBaner

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Richard said:
So I've been reading the site for a while now and I've actually seen some huge improvements. I spent a lot of time studying last semester and this semester I've been focusing on action. Already my results are exponential, mainly because they were non-existent before, but I'm still having one particular hang up that seems to be holding me back. Even though I keep getting girls numbers and some results, every time I meet a new girl I have this underlying desperation that I feel comes off maybe not immediately, but certainly before I can completely seal the deal. I've had more dates and make outs and have gotten more numbers in the past couple weeks than in my 20 years prior but whenever there is someone new in front of me all my subconscious mind can think is "God I hope this girl becomes my girlfriend and gives me affection and I don't have to keep going out there anymore". What's best for me is probably to continually get rejected until I reach the point where I can consistently get women, but in the back of my mind what I truly want is a relationship and regular affection. I can't completely close because I don't have enough experience to not get so hung up on each individual girl, and I can't get enough experience because I get hung up and can't close. It seems like an insurmountable catch 22. What do I do?

It's going to hurt to hear this but you're not ready for a relationship because as you just said; you want regular affection and you see a relationship as the way to get it. In other words, you're going into a relationship looking for somebody to complete you and that's unhealthy. Take an honest look at what I said, if you're bothered by it or you're hurt by it then it's probably true.

Good news is that you're already aware of this because you've sensed the desperation, the outcome dependence, etc. What you're really looking for is self-esteem and a sense of worth, something along the lines of "I know I'm valuable when a girls shows me affection." Before I press onward, reflect on what I've said and let me know what you think. If I'm getting warm (and I am) then I'll keep going.

-Richard



That's dead on. Please continue
 

Richard

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That's dead on. Please continue

Awesome. So, what you're really after, then, is self-esteem and a sense of worth. You may already have these things because they often fluctuate from situation to situation so I'll say that you probably only lack these when it comes to social settings. Basically, you're unsure of your worth. Luckily, building up your self-esteem and sense of self-worth is relatively easy but does take some time.

First and foremost you need to get rid of those self-critical thoughts you have; anything along the lines of not being good enough, not feeling good enough or unworthy, any self-defeating thoughts or attitudes, etc. You're totally in control of your thoughts and you don't have to suffer from negative self-talk. So, first things first is kick those bitches to the curb!

Second, set a concrete goal in pick-up, with women, or about socializing in general; make it measurable and give yourself a time deadline. For instance, "I will approach 20 women by October 1st," or "I will lay 3 chicks by December 28, 2016" and then whenever you take steps towards that goal... celebrate! Pat yourself on the back at the little victories and you'll find yourself reaching your goal and the closer you get to your goal the more self-esteem you develop.

Third, celebrate everything. Every rejection you get from a woman, celebrate because you're one step closer to success. Celebrate the good and the bad on your way to your goal, and turn the bad things into positives.

Competence plays a very large role in your self-esteem and you become more competent at something by doing it and as you're doing it... celebrate the wins, losses, the good and the bad so you stay motivated along the way. To put things into perspective, some cultures celebrate with large festivities when somebody dies or to remember the dead (El Dio De Los Muertos) while other cultures mourn and grieve heavily over the loss of somebody; we typically see death as something bad (same with rejection) but it doesn't have to be bad if you don't want it to be is what I'm getting at.

-Richard
 

Raqimus

Tool-Bearing Hominid
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Joined
Jun 22, 2014
Messages
460
Richard said:
That's dead on. Please continue

Awesome. So, what you're really after, then, is self-esteem and a sense of worth. You may already have these things because they often fluctuate from situation to situation so I'll say that you probably only lack these when it comes to social settings. Basically, you're unsure of your worth. Luckily, building up your self-esteem and sense of self-worth is relatively easy but does take some time.

First and foremost you need to get rid of those self-critical thoughts you have; anything along the lines of not being good enough, not feeling good enough or unworthy, any self-defeating thoughts or attitudes, etc. You're totally in control of your thoughts and you don't have to suffer from negative self-talk. So, first things first is kick those bitches to the curb!

Second, set a concrete goal in pick-up, with women, or about socializing in general; make it measurable and give yourself a time deadline. For instance, "I will approach 20 women by October 1st," or "I will lay 3 chicks by December 28, 2016" and then whenever you take steps towards that goal... celebrate! Pat yourself on the back at the little victories and you'll find yourself reaching your goal and the closer you get to your goal the more self-esteem you develop.

Third, celebrate everything. Every rejection you get from a woman, celebrate because you're one step closer to success. Celebrate the good and the bad on your way to your goal, and turn the bad things into positives.

Competence plays a very large role in your self-esteem and you become more competent at something by doing it and as you're doing it... celebrate the wins, losses, the good and the bad so you stay motivated along the way. To put things into perspective, some cultures celebrate with large festivities when somebody dies or to remember the dead (El Dio De Los Muertos) while other cultures mourn and grieve heavily over the loss of somebody; we typically see death as something bad (same with rejection) but it doesn't have to be bad if you don't want it to be is what I'm getting at.

-Richard
I love you Richard, this has also helped me as well. :)
 

BrotherBaner

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Sep 28, 2016
Messages
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Richard said:
That's dead on. Please continue

Awesome. So, what you're really after, then, is self-esteem and a sense of worth. You may already have these things because they often fluctuate from situation to situation so I'll say that you probably only lack these when it comes to social settings. Basically, you're unsure of your worth. Luckily, building up your self-esteem and sense of self-worth is relatively easy but does take some time.

First and foremost you need to get rid of those self-critical thoughts you have; anything along the lines of not being good enough, not feeling good enough or unworthy, any self-defeating thoughts or attitudes, etc. You're totally in control of your thoughts and you don't have to suffer from negative self-talk. So, first things first is kick those bitches to the curb!

Second, set a concrete goal in pick-up, with women, or about socializing in general; make it measurable and give yourself a time deadline. For instance, "I will approach 20 women by October 1st," or "I will lay 3 chicks by December 28, 2016" and then whenever you take steps towards that goal... celebrate! Pat yourself on the back at the little victories and you'll find yourself reaching your goal and the closer you get to your goal the more self-esteem you develop.

Third, celebrate everything. Every rejection you get from a woman, celebrate because you're one step closer to success. Celebrate the good and the bad on your way to your goal, and turn the bad things into positives.

Competence plays a very large role in your self-esteem and you become more competent at something by doing it and as you're doing it... celebrate the wins, losses, the good and the bad so you stay motivated along the way. To put things into perspective, some cultures celebrate with large festivities when somebody dies or to remember the dead (El Dio De Los Muertos) while other cultures mourn and grieve heavily over the loss of somebody; we typically see death as something bad (same with rejection) but it doesn't have to be bad if you don't want it to be is what I'm getting at.

-Richard

Thanks for the advice. I've actually already been doing that so I know I'm on the right track. One issue I have though is that I can logically tell myself that rejections are good but my emotions don't listen to logic. I do bad with a girl and celebrate for taking one step closer to my goal, but yet there is still this sting that I can't get rid of no matter what, and every time I take a step forward it takes me a couple days to get back into it just because my brain refuses to listen to itself and starts developing approach anxiety all over again. Is that impossible to get rid of?
 

Richard

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Messages
1,821
Thanks for the advice. I've actually already been doing that so I know I'm on the right track. One issue I have though is that I can logically tell myself that rejections are good but my emotions don't listen to logic. I do bad with a girl and celebrate for taking one step closer to my goal, but yet there is still this sting that I can't get rid of no matter what, and every time I take a step forward it takes me a couple days to get back into it just because my brain refuses to listen to itself and starts developing approach anxiety all over again. Is that impossible to get rid of?

Is it possible to get rid of? Of course it is. I'm going to have fun with this one and take it in all kinds of directions! ;)

1) Emotion is fuel - depression and happiness are exactly the same; two halves of the same coin. Rejection and success are the same, etc. All emotions are are fuel, they're a source of energy to get your ass moving and they can be harnessed; if you imagine depression and happiness as a fruit then both of them will yield the same nutrition.

To put things into perspective, after my very first girlfriend cheated on me I felt emasculated, depressed, and I wanted to kill myself. I reached a point where I was tired of how I felt and I realized that the abundance of energy I had was all being wasted in the form of depression so instead I took all of that energy and emotion and channeled it into something productive and I dove head first into learning pick-up.

The biting, stinging, bitter feelings I had became my source of energy in learning pick-up.

2) Feel the fear and do it anyway. As a psychology major I've looked into a lot of different styles of therapy and the behaviorist perspective is all about taking action and changing behaviors from destructive ones into healthier ones; anyway, their emphasis is on taking action. Regardless of how you feel or what emotion you're having... you have the option of saying fuck it and continuing to take action anyway. Basically, "She rejected me, so what...? I'm going to keep approaching."

3) Mindful Cognitions - As a psych major I'm very much a humanist at heart and I also have a lot of talent and interest in cognitive therapy/ cognitive theory and I would probably tackle this problem by taking control of my thoughts, first. My assumption is that when a girl rejects you then you have automatic thoughts (destructive thoughts) which trigger an emotional reaction and it takes you a few days to finally regain control of those thoughts.

Basically:

"Girls Rejects You + Negative Thoughts = Lack of Action, Lack of Self-Esteem = Reinforcement of Negative Thoughts = Lack of Action," and so on and so forth. You're psyching yourself out because when a girl rejects you, you get into your head. The solution then is to remain conscious of what's going on in your head and after a rejection takes place consciously direct your thoughts, or... the approach I take is to accept whatever thoughts I have without letting them define me, or judging myself based on them.

Tying it all together the simple answer is to just accept your responsibility and your freedom of choice - at all times you have the choice to feel rejected or to keep moving, to be responsible for your success, be responsible for approaching, etc. If you're psyching yourself out it's because you've chosen to not be responsible for your thoughts, if a girl's rejection means that much to you it's only because you've made a choice about it, and so on so forth.

You are your choices; choose to keep moving or choose to let things hold you back.

By the way, I recently discovered that my girlfriend had been cheating on me and at first my emotions were all over and despite my logic I couldn't get them to calm down either. The truth of the matter was that I only felt so out of control because I didn't want to be responsible for my emotions and my lack of responsibility meant that my thoughts got all fucked up but when I decided to assume responsibility for myself and how I felt the shift was made almost instantly. It sounds so simple but it works tremendously. So, let's hear your decision; what decisions are you ready to make and what are you ready to be responsible for?

-Richard
 

BrotherBaner

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Take responsibility for my emotions and accept that I'm in control of them. So just say fuck the negative ones and keep going regardless. I like the action approach of going forward regardless of how I feel because my mindset is not real just something I made up that the outside world doesn't even know exists if I dont show it.
 

Bboy100

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Hey BrotherBaner,

Everything Richard said is spot on. Self-esteem, and extinguishing negative self-talk is definitely crucial developing the ability to sustain rejection. There's one other very practical thing I'd like to add:

You're probably placing all your eggs in one basket...namely, the basket of getting validation, emotional and social support from random women you chat up on the street. This is extremely unhealthy because unless she's already a long-term girlfriend, there's no stability. A girl could give you affection one day, then it'll be gone the next. I started my journey doing the same exact thing (relying on women for all my social needs). As a result, I would get depressed for a full week after one failed date. The solution is to find a social network of friends who you can lean on for support. And I don't mean just "acquaintances" or "people you hang out with on weekends". I mean good friends. People you feel safe you can share the intimate, uncomfortable parts of your life and who you are with. People you can open up to and be your true, vulnerable self to. Don't confuse "vulnerability" with "complaining about your problems" (although from time to time, it can be that too!). I just mean people you're comfortable dropping your social mask and being yourself around without fear of judgement. Once you have those friends, you now have a " home base" of acceptance and support. Then all of us sudden, rejection from a stranger won't matter as much. Cause now, you have lets say, 60-70% of your social needs already met. That's a whole lot better than 0%.

I'd like to reiterate that by doing this, you're still relying on external factors for validation. So unless you get your internal monologue, self-esteem etc. in check, this is still won't solve your problem. I would recommend working on both those things at the same time, as they actually feed off one another (you'll get more self-esteem as you make more friends, and by improving your self esteem, you'll create better, more meaningful friendships).
 
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